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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bullying? What bullying?

58 replies

Ladiesfirst · 02/03/2018 16:00

Aibu to be a bit shocked that a school Mum approached me at a party last weekend to tell me her son was really upset that my son didn’t want to play with him at school? And that she had been to see the teachers about it?! I said I was sorry that he was upset but expected this sort of friends today not tomorrow stuff to be fairly normal at school and also that it’s npt the sort of stuff my son would ever talk to me about. The Mum has since complained to my nanny and the school again that my son is teasing him and excluding him from the ‘popular’ crowd at school? I spoke to my DS last weekend and said this boy was sad he wasn’t playing with him and maybe he could try to make a special effort to include him this week. Yesterday I asked how things are going and he listed his normal group of friends and not the child in question. He also said repeatedly that nothing had happened. I spoke to school and they said they were watching and my son was find and they think the mother is exaggerating.

I actually caught a glimpse of her in the school today which is unusual as we typically just drop them at the door and I wondered if it’s yet more complaints?!

I know this is all daft but I feel like I am being singled out here? I couldn’t sleep last night worrying that my son might be being horrible? ! What would you do in my shoes if you next say the child’s Mum?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladiesfirst · 02/03/2018 16:02

Sorry forgot to mention the kids have both just turned 4!

OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 02/03/2018 16:02

How old is your son? Sorry, this does somewhat have a bearing on advice/how to handle.

SenoritaViva · 02/03/2018 16:03

Only 4. Ignore this woman and let the school handle it.

Nomad86 · 02/03/2018 16:05

The school are obviously keeping an eye on things and will step in if there's ant sign of bullying. If the mum approaches you, you simply say "I believe the school are monitoring the situation. I don't any more about it so you're best off speaking to the teacher if you have any concerns". Leave it at that, don't get into an argument.

MavisPike · 02/03/2018 16:06

is he her first child at school ?

Original poster
Ladiesfirst · 02/03/2018 16:07

Yes and mine. Normally I am quite sensible but am in new territory here!

OP posts:
Hellsbellscockleshells · 02/03/2018 16:10

Your right OP kids are in and out of favour at this age. You did right speaking to your son and agree with previous advice. She sounds overly invested.

user1474652148 · 02/03/2018 16:11

We had someone like this at school and she made everyone’s life a compete misery.
Distance yourself and as post says above just tell her you have been reassured all is fine at school.
She will either learn quickly that you can’t micro manage friendships or she will quickly isolate herself and her son.
Either way keep being nice but distant no matter what she does, and allow the school to deal with her, they will be used to it.
Your ds is fine stop worrying, this is your first experience of playground politics, not pleasant

BewareOfDragons · 02/03/2018 16:11

4?

I think the other mum needs to calm down. I'm sure the school will tell her that.

SenoritaViva · 02/03/2018 16:12

You may wish to give his teacher your version and just say if you can support your son/the school to let you know. They'll appreciate you being open, honest and supportive.

rascallyrascal · 02/03/2018 16:13

I thought you were going to say they were 8 or 9!! At 4 of course they will chop and change friends!! Don't worry. I think other mum is being a little overprotective!!

Enuffsenuffsenuff · 02/03/2018 16:13

I would be worried that my child was growing up to become an excluder. Children don't have to done anything actively cruel to exclude others - it can be as little as failing to actively ask them to play, or never picking them for an activity.

It sounds like you've already spoken to your son but this could be a really good opportunity to have a more general chat about being an 'includer' - that is, the child who always looks out for others. There is a really good article about it here:

www.lisamccrohan.com/2014/09/raising-girls-who-are-includers-instead-of-mean-girls/

(It's about girls but that doesn't matter!)

I'm sure your son isn't a bully, and it sounds like you are doing the right thing. The problem is that kids can behave in subconscious ways which alienate other kids without even realising. But for the child being excluded, it's terribly hard.

MavisPike · 02/03/2018 16:16

ha knew it !
you have your answer then
ignore her

OnlyAbigail · 02/03/2018 16:17

I'd start just ignoring the mum as she is the type that will fall out with you at some point anyway over normal kids' behaviour.

We had similar with a mum from my DD's year when she was at primary school. The school could never find any evidence of DD being horrible to her DD, but this mum would phone me or send snotty texts if my DD even breathed in the wrong direction near her DD. I spent ages trying to pacify her and to stay on good terms but in the end she fell out with me majorly and made a huge deal about it. She then moved onto other parents and fell out with them too!

In that situation again I'd immediately just distance myself from 'that' type of mum and ignore them when possible. If they have an issue they can go to the school and let the school sort it.

LoniceraJaponica · 02/03/2018 16:19

"She sounds overly invested."

I don't agree. As the parent of a child who has regularly been "excluded" from a group of "friends" (albeit at secondary school) I would cut the mum some slack. How do you know that the little boy isn't going home crying because no-one would play with him?

I would never have approached the mum under the circumstances, but asked school to keep an eye on the situation.

I think you are doing the right thing by making sure your son doesn't exclude other children. Just keep reinforcing the idea that including everyone is a kind thing to do.

SnowBusinessLikeSlowBusiness · 02/03/2018 16:19

People really overuse the word bullying.

Namechangetempissue · 02/03/2018 16:24

FOUR?! There is a "popular crowd" at 4?! It sounds like the school is handling the situation, but at 4 I wouldn't be in the slightest concerned. We ALL have friends we are closer with and it is natural to gravitate towards them. As long as there is no nastiness and your son isn't making horrible comments or physically hurting the other child then he can choose to play with his friends if he likes. Primary school continuously pushed my daughter to play with another girl she really didn't like -she is very polite and kind and would never say anything or be mean but it was crap for her and she used to cry at home as she couldn't be herself and play with who she wanted and what she wanted. In the end I insisted they stop pushing this and it got better. The other child made friends naturally and was also much happier.
Leave it to school to sort out

Trampire · 02/03/2018 16:26

I agree Snowbusiness.

All through Primary I've had experiences of parents and children shouting 'bullying' to just one snigger or funny look.

Now in Secondary my dd has witnessed people going to the Head of the whole year (completely by passing the home tutor) over a slight turn of phrase or a friend wanting to spent a small amount of time with someone new.

Bullying is horrendously awful. Things like this aren't bullying to me. Some of it is just having a bad day.

Original poster
Ladiesfirst · 02/03/2018 16:28

I do feel a bit sorry for her but I haven’t approached anyone on this except the school. She moved here last year and we have been invited over once. She said she had no friends and was shocked no one had invited her in a play date. I don’t get too bothered by this as me and dh work full time have a baby and two elderly parents who need care at the weekends so life is fairly chaotic. I don’t have time to worry about making friends as I am here for life and assume it will happen over time and have met lots of fun kid people through school. . I am slightly worried that she may actually be upset that I have not reciprocated with a play date as I simply haven’t had a free day to do it and had offered this last weekend to try and resolve their differences last week. Now I think I should just smile and use the ‘ schools dealing with it line’ . I am also conscious that my son who is a big noisy popular boy who mightn’t just get some of the subtlies of the playground but generally he is a really amiable fun child. The school think socially he is doing very well and floats between lots of groups happily. But of course I am very keen to ensure he is on the right path in his behaviour. My DH is very dismissive of this but i hate conflict of any kind!!!

OP posts:
Trampire · 02/03/2018 16:28

Just to add, none of my children have had these things accused of them. They've just witnessed it.

blackteasplease · 02/03/2018 16:29

There is definitely no popular crowd at 4, I agree.

I don't think she can possibly have reason to complain about your son at that age and from what you have said.

She's right to keep in touch with the school if her son is unhappy and not feeling included but daft to blame it on another 4yo. The school can keep reminding all the kids to include people and help her son to make.friends but it doesn't sound liek bullying or your son's fault

Trampire · 02/03/2018 16:31

OP, we never did playdates at 4. Very rarely when older. The odd sleepover. I just never found much time to relax enough to do it. My dcs have never had any social problems because of this. They're much older now.

It sounds like this parent is over anxious and is almost looking for issues. Yes, hopefully she's in dialogue with the school.

Original poster
Ladiesfirst · 02/03/2018 16:34

Yes the school have been doing that and to be fair 7 of the class started together when they turned three so have spent 5 terms together so this is the little group who are ‘popular’ maybe that’s the working word.

OP posts:
MacaroniPenguin · 02/03/2018 16:56

It's really common throughout infants and beyond to have unequal friendships - this mum may have heard from her son that they are best friends. You're doing fine, keep encouraging your son to be kind and don't engage too closely or entertain the micromanaging.

However you should return the playdate.

wakemeupbefore · 02/03/2018 17:28

They can be pretty cruel - unintentionally - at 4, have witnessed it many-a-time. Talk to your son about not excluding anyone as such behaviour does start early.