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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bullying? What bullying?

58 replies

Ladiesfirst · 02/03/2018 16:00

Aibu to be a bit shocked that a school Mum approached me at a party last weekend to tell me her son was really upset that my son didn’t want to play with him at school? And that she had been to see the teachers about it?! I said I was sorry that he was upset but expected this sort of friends today not tomorrow stuff to be fairly normal at school and also that it’s npt the sort of stuff my son would ever talk to me about. The Mum has since complained to my nanny and the school again that my son is teasing him and excluding him from the ‘popular’ crowd at school? I spoke to my DS last weekend and said this boy was sad he wasn’t playing with him and maybe he could try to make a special effort to include him this week. Yesterday I asked how things are going and he listed his normal group of friends and not the child in question. He also said repeatedly that nothing had happened. I spoke to school and they said they were watching and my son was find and they think the mother is exaggerating.

I actually caught a glimpse of her in the school today which is unusual as we typically just drop them at the door and I wondered if it’s yet more complaints?!

I know this is all daft but I feel like I am being singled out here? I couldn’t sleep last night worrying that my son might be being horrible? ! What would you do in my shoes if you next say the child’s Mum?!

OP posts:
SnowBusinessLikeSlowBusiness · 02/03/2018 18:44

No, four year olds cannot be cruel, at all.

EllieMe · 02/03/2018 18:50

The school aren't concerned and neither should you be, OP. The woman is off her trolley.

You can't make kids play together when they have different interests and personalities. She's trying to force a friendship where none exists.

wakemeupbefore · 02/03/2018 19:04

One thing is not playing with someone; getting others to not play with that person is an entirely different matter altogether. Cruelty is defined on the receiving end so if a 4yr old is constantly excluded from games by another 4yr old, that is cruel indeed.
Hmm.

5plusMeAndHim · 02/03/2018 19:08

so if they have just turned 4, they are nursery age?

papayasareyum · 02/03/2018 19:17

OP, there are nutcases like this in every school. They’re never ever happy. They have to micro manage every detail of their poor kids lives.
They’re the ones you see at least two or three times a week having a chat with the teacher about some new perceived slight or other. Their child is obviously a perfect cherub. (and usually their pfb)
They’re nuts. A pain in the ass.
Ignore ignore ignore or do the grey rock treatment!

wakemeupbefore · 02/03/2018 19:19

Ignore ignore ignore or do the grey rock treatment!

Or do the 'mindful' thing and teach your son that excluding others is a mean thing to do. You'll never know when it'll be your DC on the receiving end... Happens to all.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/03/2018 19:27

You can't force a child to play with another child.
If shes going to bounce up to the school everytime another child says to her ds. "I'm not playing with you. I'm not your friend".
She might as well camp out there, because. She'll never be away from the place.
She seriously needs to chill

Mumdimsum · 02/03/2018 20:09

Sorry I am going to disagree with a lot of people on this. My daughter had a few friendship issues in preschool (rising 3). Started in the October, all the falling out of favour etc, all pretty normal stuff. Then escalated to being ignored, singled out and hissed at (by a three year old). I then by the January mentioned it to a teacher because the girl in question growled and grabbed my daughters arm in front of me at drop off. I asked whether it was a problem to the school and they said that my daughter wasn't stretching the truth and that yes it needed to be addressed. The school have since been brilliant and so has the mother of the girl in question. I don't think the little girl was
/is a bully or really understood the impact of her actions as she was only three! I think she was also learning about socialisation etc. However, the impact it had on my daughter was very negative and it was really upsetting for both DH and I. Anyway it's all been sorted and they play nicely together and show each other respect etc. But that's only because the mother and school addressed the girl's behaviour like I also had to address resilience with my daughter. I would cut this mother some slack yes she isn't going about it in the best way but I don't think this justifies ignoring her concerns.

Dipitydoda · 02/03/2018 20:32

I’m going to go against the grain here. Her DS might be v sensitive, he might be going home crying every night saying he had no one to play with and to him and his parents the hurt of exclusion is very real. The mother is trying to sort this out. If you think she isn’t handling this in the best way she might struggle socially. Cut her some slack she’s trying to do the best for her son. It sounds like social interactions come easy to you and your family, please don’t forget those who struggle. Maybe show your DS the importance of including all of those in his community. They don’t have to be best friends but it’s good to stop people hurting. Invite them for a play date.

LoniceraJaponica · 02/03/2018 20:44

I agree Dipitydoda. I mentioned this earlier.

SnowBusinessLikeSlowBusiness · 02/03/2018 22:01

However, the impact it had on my daughter was very negative and it was really upsetting for both DH and I

Because you made such a fuss about toddlers behaving like toddlers!

Donotbequotingmeinbold · 02/03/2018 22:30

I wouldn't invite her for a playdate. Don't invite trouble into your life.

Original poster
Ladiesfirst · 03/03/2018 00:07

Well I am talking to my son about being inclusive and the school think he is fine. I naturally think the worst as I am sort of old fashioned like that ie of my own son. But what I am upset about is that she has no concern for me or my child. If her son is sensitive then he needs to learn too, she needs to teach him and as much as I ask DS school
Etc to be inclusive I can’t make the world right for the boy in question. If I found social interaction so easy I wouldn’t be best asking for advice!! There is no been any hitting etc or exclusion. Based on what I know this is all perceived not real. Someone posted earlier that this little boy needs one best friend and I think that’s true but my Ds does not want to be it. Personally I want to step back and let the school do their job and ignore her. I don’t want her in my home either and will hope this all goes quiet.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 03/03/2018 08:26

I'm in 2 minds about this. I've been that mum trying to help my DD1 (now nearly 9) build friendships and I used to try to arrange play dates for her. But they used to fizzle out and the other girl would accuse her of 'following her around'. She hardly ever gets invited to parties now, only one in year 3. But I've backed off because I wasn't helping her by persevering.

She has two friends at school, but they have little sisters who are friends with DD2, who gets invited to parties and play dates regularly, and is definitely one of the 'popular' children. It's not something you can make happen.

DD1 finally has a genuine best friend, though, a girl she met at Brownies not at school.

So I really feel for this other mum, it's not nice to say things like 'she's off her trolley'. Ok she's going about it the wrong way, but it's hard when you have a DC who is unhappy at school and keeps says that no one will play with her.

LoniceraJaponica · 03/03/2018 08:39

"If her son is sensitive then he needs to learn too, she needs to teach him and as much as I ask DS school"

As a parent of a sensitive child I can assure you that you can't change their personality to become confident and popular Hmm

I agree with Lizzie48 that saying that the mum is off her trolley is unkind.

EllieMe · 03/03/2018 08:48

So I really feel for this other mum, it's not nice to say things like 'she's off her trolley'.

It's not nice her complaining to the teacher about a 5 year old kid who's doing nothing wrong. She's an adult, she needs to act like one.

Gendarme · 03/03/2018 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzie48 · 03/03/2018 08:58

I was also that sensitive child growing up. I was bullied and had great difficulties making friends. My one best friend left with her family when we were both 7 years old and I never had that kind of friendship again.

I think people who have never struggled with friendships really don't understand what it's like to be excluded and alone. My DD2 doesn't (she'll be 6 next week). I've pulled her up when she says unkind things about other children in her class.

And yes, exclusion type bullying can definitely happen at 4 and 5 years old. Teachers very often don't see it.

I did say the other mum was going about it the wrong way. But what I am saying is to cut her some slack.

wakemeupbefore · 03/03/2018 09:31

Bullies are raised, either by default because family dynamics, or by inaction at times when certain behavioural traits first emerge.
Good on you for taking it seriously and guiding your son towards kind behaviour towards others.
As said above, you can't make children play together, nor can you make them be friends, but you can teach them not to deliberatly set out to exclude.

LoniceraJaponica · 03/03/2018 09:34

"I think people who have never struggled with friendships really don't understand what it's like to be excluded and alone."

This ^^ with bells on.

Birdsgottafly · 03/03/2018 09:53

I agree with people that are saying it needs to be addressed and you should be speaking to your Son (as should everyone) about not excluding others, or influencing others against someone.

Watch "The secret life of four year olds", this is the age were new issues can be addressed because it is a new development age.

Whilst you can't and shouldn't force friendships, you can teach kindnesses. This is vitally important for boys and it needs to start at this age.

EllieMe · 03/03/2018 13:03

OP's DS isn't excluding or encouraging others to exclude. Some posters have imaginations as vivid as the other child's mother. The school are observing and say he's fine.

SnowBusinessLikeSlowBusiness · 03/03/2018 14:11

"I think people who have never struggled with friendships really don't understand what it's like to be excluded and alone

This is a small child choosing not to play with another small child. That's all, stop projecting your own adult insecurities and issues on to perfectly normal child interaction.

LoniceraJaponica · 03/03/2018 14:20

You have just proved Lizziee48's point SnowBusiness Hmm

SnowBusinessLikeSlowBusiness · 03/03/2018 14:22

No I haven't.