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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does anyone understand why I find this comment so irritating??!!!!!

68 replies

Fengshui · 02/03/2018 13:11

I am having a hard time articulating it to myself.

I am 45, and left home at 18. Went to uni, worked part time throughout uni and then worked full time since. Met DH 15 years ago. We both worked full time- he earned slightly more than me, but the distance has lessened and he is now less than me due to him working very part time due to various issues such as illness etc. We have a DC with SEN and share those responsibilities fully.

Because of these issues I knew that I would be the main breadwinner in a few years and needed to prepare for that.

So 2 years ago I undertook post graduate studies designed to improve my chances at work. Classes were held in evenings and at weekends several times a year. Based on this a few weeks ago I got a promotion at work and a pay rise, and yesterday got the results of my finals to say I have passed.

My parents called this morning to ask if we were home and I told them about my passing the exams. Naturally, they are happy, but my mum said; ''

'Oh, please give [DH's name] the most sincere thanks from your father and I for the support he gave you while you studied. We really wish to thank him for everything he does for you. Just think....now when you go out, you can buy him dinner!'

Um.... firstly, our money is joint, and I now earn most of it. Secondly, it just sort of implies a paternalistic view.... that I was at one stage passed from the parental care of my parents to the paternalistic care of DH, and they have to thank him for that' and thirdly it seems to fail to recognise the fact that I support my family very well myself and no-one asks DH to 'thank' me for that.

This has really very very deeply annoyed me and while I know I am overreacting I want to know if my thoughts about what all that implies are legitimate!!!!

Partly a source of the irritation is that my DM was quite abusive- physically and emotionally- when I was growing up. She had a drinking problem among other things and I got out of home as fast as I possibly could. Our relationship now is fairly decent, but to be fair she manages to wind me up without even trying, so this may just be another example of that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fengshui · 02/03/2018 13:12

That was a long brain fart. Grin

OP posts:
Enuffsenuffsenuff · 02/03/2018 13:13

I would be irritated too. You worked hard and have done well, and that commend suggests that somehow it should still be your DH who gets the credit!

Partypopper123 · 02/03/2018 13:14

Deeply annoying, it's crediting your husband for the fact you've passed your exam!
Well done in your exam anyway - congratulations!'

flumpybear · 02/03/2018 13:15

Parents!
My mum didn't address my letters as'Dr' after getting my PhD as it'll no doubt upset my husband .... he was actually just very proud of me and didn't give a hoot he didn't

loveulotslikejellytots · 02/03/2018 13:15

I would be annoyed too. It wouldn't have killed her to just say "Well done you!" would it? Will it do any good telling her that though?

Original poster
Fengshui · 02/03/2018 13:16

What's ironic is that both my parents would describe themselves as feminists but whenever I have to travel abroad for work there is a comment about how 'lucky' I am that DH steps up to the plate at home.

My mother often accuses me of being 'oversensitive' and 'defensive' so I am trying to figure out if I am!

OP posts:
redcarbluecar · 02/03/2018 13:18

Yes, annoying! Well done on your achievement.

Original poster
Fengshui · 02/03/2018 13:18

Oh she did say lots of 'well done' etc, but it felt qualified.

I have a wonderful wonderful DH, and there is a bit of astonishment on the part of the parentals I think that I managed to find a partner. They thought I was too ambitious and career oriented. (Once upon a time maybe- now my ambitions are solely centred around doing the best for my family).

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 02/03/2018 13:19

yep, very annoying and patronising. I think they meant well, but even so...

ChasedByBees · 02/03/2018 13:22

Very very patronising!

Bluelady · 02/03/2018 13:22

It's a generation thing. She can't really be blamed for having a 1950s view of the world.

Congratulations, it can't have been easy.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 02/03/2018 13:22

That would have really irritated me. And the feminist thing would irritate me - feminism is as feminism does, tell her!

Original poster
Fengshui · 02/03/2018 13:22

PATRONISING!!!

That's the word.

Writing it out helped me. And I am glad to know that my reaction is at least understood!

No, it would not help to bring it up with her or to respond. She gets angry if I question her and says things like; 'Oh you were always chippy like that'.

OP posts:
MrsEricBana · 02/03/2018 13:22

You are not being oversensitive at all. You can be officially bloody annoyed! Congratulations anyway you've done really well.

Original poster
Fengshui · 02/03/2018 13:24

Thanks so much everyone. And thanks for the congratulations. :) I feel very proud of myself!!

OP posts:
CatkinToadflax · 02/03/2018 13:25

I get where you're coming from OP. My dear old dad simply can't comprehend how my DH knows how to cook or why he ever learnt, and is baffled that DH and I share all our responsibilities pretty evenly. My brother (in his 40s) was single until recently and my dad was always saying how DB "needs a wife to look after him". Confused Anyone would think we were still living in Victorian times....

MyKingdomForBrie · 02/03/2018 13:25

Deeply annoying but sounds like you’d be pissing in the wind to try and take her up on it so just smile and nod and don’t react.

My mother in law always puts my DH achievements down to the support he has from me which I think is hilarious but luckily he finds it funny too!

LakieLady · 02/03/2018 13:25

I'm sure she meant well, but I would have been annoyed too. Let's face it, the fact that you have a supportive partner is down to your excellent choice and judgment!

It's a very old fashioned attitude.

Connebert · 02/03/2018 13:28

Somebody does have to hold the fort, though, otherwise studying can‘t be done.

Original poster
Fengshui · 02/03/2018 13:30

Great. Now I am feeling less annoyed and leaning towards the 'amused' side of responses. That is a VERY good thing, otherwise I'd stew and argue with her inside my head.

Thanks

Thank you. :)

OP posts:
Janel85 · 02/03/2018 13:32

Very annoying! Well done you

RedSkyAtNight · 02/03/2018 13:32

Yes it would irritate me too - but agree with others that it's a generation thing that men must be praised for doing anything with their children.
My parents constantly mention how amazing my brother is because he used to take his daughter to nursery every day (she's 7 now, and they are still going on about it). I took my DC to nursery every day as well, but apparently that isn't even worth a mention in passing.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 02/03/2018 13:32

I'd have been annoyed too.

It's like the many posters who claim their spouses couldn't work without them Hmm

Original poster
Fengshui · 02/03/2018 13:32

True Connebert. It was certainly something DH and I discussed alot before I embarked. We thought the short term difficulties would be worth it..... hopefully yes!!!! It means too that DH can now take even a further step back from his work which will be a really good thing.

OP posts:
OverinaFlash · 02/03/2018 13:33

Not financially, but in terms of all other domestic and social responsibilities, I supported DH throughout his professional exams, and continue to support him in a job that is often time consuming, and mentally consuming. I also have a full time job. Noone has ever thanked me apart from DH. YDNBU.