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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does anyone understand why I find this comment so irritating??!!!!!

68 replies

Fengshui · 02/03/2018 13:11

I am having a hard time articulating it to myself.

I am 45, and left home at 18. Went to uni, worked part time throughout uni and then worked full time since. Met DH 15 years ago. We both worked full time- he earned slightly more than me, but the distance has lessened and he is now less than me due to him working very part time due to various issues such as illness etc. We have a DC with SEN and share those responsibilities fully.

Because of these issues I knew that I would be the main breadwinner in a few years and needed to prepare for that.

So 2 years ago I undertook post graduate studies designed to improve my chances at work. Classes were held in evenings and at weekends several times a year. Based on this a few weeks ago I got a promotion at work and a pay rise, and yesterday got the results of my finals to say I have passed.

My parents called this morning to ask if we were home and I told them about my passing the exams. Naturally, they are happy, but my mum said; ''

'Oh, please give [DH's name] the most sincere thanks from your father and I for the support he gave you while you studied. We really wish to thank him for everything he does for you. Just think....now when you go out, you can buy him dinner!'

Um.... firstly, our money is joint, and I now earn most of it. Secondly, it just sort of implies a paternalistic view.... that I was at one stage passed from the parental care of my parents to the paternalistic care of DH, and they have to thank him for that' and thirdly it seems to fail to recognise the fact that I support my family very well myself and no-one asks DH to 'thank' me for that.

This has really very very deeply annoyed me and while I know I am overreacting I want to know if my thoughts about what all that implies are legitimate!!!!

Partly a source of the irritation is that my DM was quite abusive- physically and emotionally- when I was growing up. She had a drinking problem among other things and I got out of home as fast as I possibly could. Our relationship now is fairly decent, but to be fair she manages to wind me up without even trying, so this may just be another example of that!

OP posts:
PaperdollCartoon · 02/03/2018 13:33

Yeh it’s this still surprisingly pervasive view that if a woman is successsful it must be because her husband facilitates it. Women are ‘lucky’ to have partners who are actually partners, and men are disadvanged by working partners. It is patronising and offensive.

Congrats on all your hard work, you sound brilliant. I hope you enjoy your promotion - I’m sure you’ll kick arse Smile

ParadiseCity · 02/03/2018 13:33

Congratulations to you for doing so well!

And maybe congrats to your DH for marrying someone so awesome.

Tainbri · 02/03/2018 13:34

Congratulations! Out of interest has your mum ever studied or had a career? Agree with PP that whilst I'm sure she is pleased deep down she seems to have a very old fashioned attitude

Original poster
Fengshui · 02/03/2018 13:35

Redsky my parents are always amazed that my DH shares the cooking for the DCs. (he does 3 days, I do 4 because I love cooking up a storm at the weekends).

It's funny though- when I was growing up, My mother did late afternoon-evening nightshifts and my dad cooked and did bedtimes etc. They sometimes comment how strange other people thought that was.... it's like there is a disconnect with what they experienced and what they expect of our home set up!

People are funny....

OP posts:
Original poster
Fengshui · 02/03/2018 13:36

She did Tainbri she was a nurse and very very good at it!

OP posts:
ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 02/03/2018 13:42

My parents are the same, "aren't you LUCKY dh does so much with the kids","aren't you LUCKY dh LET'S you go away for the weekend"...Angry it's insulting to us both!

Mouthfulofquiz · 02/03/2018 13:42

Firstly well done OP.
Secondly though, my in laws thanked me for my support of DH when he passed his big exams. I put a lot of work in behind the scenes to facilitate it and I was pleased for that to have been recognised by someone (as well as DH obviously!)
Maybe they didn't mean it as you took it?

Topseyt · 02/03/2018 13:42

I would find it very patronising. I might even be tempted to tell them that in no uncertain terms, but I can be hot headed when something like that gets my goat.

Strugglingtodomybest · 02/03/2018 13:44

Congratulations! And yes, very patronising. It sounds like our mothers were separated at birth. I'm also not allowed to mention any negative emotions and if I do then I'm being over-sensitive. My DM was also full of praise when I first met DH and she heard that he'd been to ASDA to buy food for both of us. I think her exact words were, "isn't he amazing?".

I try and laugh...

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/03/2018 13:45

You are not being defensive or oversensitive. That’s what people say to manipulate you. The emotional abuse is still under there somewhere, isn’t it? Its good you rub along ok. But don’t they just know which buttons to press!

DetectiveDog · 02/03/2018 13:46

YANBU that would really wind me up too! Congratulations on your achievements!

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/03/2018 13:47

Mouthful
I’m sure you did tons behind the scene and your inlaws sound lovely. If ops parents didn’t mean it that way, my question would be, why didn’t they say it directly to their son in law as they did with you?

ifancyachinese · 02/03/2018 13:48

Yep that would annoy me

ForlornWanderer · 02/03/2018 13:51

I think they may have gone a bit far with it, but the general sentiment isn't too bad... When I did my post-grad degree, I genuinely couldn't have done it without my DH doing more than his fair share around the house, taking the kids out for days at a time at the weekends so I could study.
That said, the buying dinner comment would piss me right off!
In any case OP, try not to take it to heart, and congratulations, I know what a slog it is! Star

Original poster
Fengshui · 02/03/2018 13:55

Oh I would be lost without DH. He's been as keen and as interested in my studies as I (more so, actually. Was a bit of a means to an end for me) and has happily sat through hours of soft play hell at weekends.

Yes the dinner thing was a bit bizarre. It may have been a clumsily-expressed 'take him out to dinner as a treat'' sort of thing, but I was already in defensive-mode.

That's not a bad idea actually. :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Fengshui · 02/03/2018 13:56

Do you know... the biggest thrill is I get weekends and evenings back! (Barring unavoidable overtime).

OP posts:
newtlover · 02/03/2018 13:59

congratulations OP
you are not BU, however I doubt it was said to wind you up, people of that generation often just have a very traditional view, you just reminded me that when I was planning a second overseas volunteering trip, my DM said 'but what about DP? won't he mind?'- we had NO dependent children and absolutely no reason for him to 'mind' it was just as if I was somehow slacking by not being there for a few weeks.
As you said, it reflects the idea that you passed from their care into his. The idea that is expressed at marriage in the custom of 'giving away' women and women taking their husbands' names. But oh, no, that's just a charming quaint tradition with no real meaning in it at all. Not.

mollied · 02/03/2018 13:59

So irritating! but congrats on the promotion

Finnyhaddock · 02/03/2018 14:00

Mummy-how on earth do you take it that the OP has been emotionally abused?
Are you looking for another bun fight?

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/03/2018 14:03

Finny
Reread the op, she said her mother was physically and emotionally abusive. You sound rather aggressive and I’m certainly not looking for a silly fight. Confused

SleepySheepy · 02/03/2018 14:04

Huge congratulations OP. I studied in the evenings and weekends as well as having a full time job, most of which as a single mother for 3 years. I met my DH whilst I was studying so he kind of had to accept what I was doing lol. I now earn nearly double what he does.

I too would have felt patronised, but you've done amazingly so just be proud of yourself and ignore them. And enjoy your evenings again! It's such a lovely feeling to get that time back!

Slightlygreyhair · 02/03/2018 14:04

Her problem is she’s jealous and is trying consciously or subconsciously to take away from you. It’s such a shame she did it, but try not to let it cloud your happiness at your achievement.

My mum is not great either, and my DH is much better. Better in life to have it that way round, I think, than great parents and a not-so-good life partner.

You’re not a little girl any more, and she can only get to you as much as you let her.

Finnyhaddock · 02/03/2018 14:06

She ‘was’ but their relationship is better now. I hardly think her mother is ‘manipulating’ her by her current comments.
Anyway OP congratulations and enjoy your success.

liz70 · 02/03/2018 14:07

Oh, but OP, surely your DH is the very, "Wind Beneath Your Wings"? YABVVVVVVVU. Shame on you.

Wink
SuburbanRhonda · 02/03/2018 14:10

'Oh, please give [DH's name] the most sincere thanks from your father and I for the support he gave you while you studied. We really wish to thank him for everything he does for you.

I’d be so tempted to phone them back and say, “I passed on your thanks to DH. He didn’t know what you meant and said in his opinion my achievement is entirely down to my hard work and nothing else.”

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