Does anyone understand why I find this comment so irritating??!!!!!

[Fengshui]

I am having a hard time articulating it to myself.

I am 45, and left home at 18. Went to uni, worked part time throughout uni and then worked full time since. Met DH 15 years ago. We both worked full time- he earned slightly more than me, but the distance has lessened and he is now less than me due to him working very part time due to various issues such as illness etc. We have a DC with SEN and share those responsibilities fully.

Because of these issues I knew that I would be the main breadwinner in a few years and needed to prepare for that.

So 2 years ago I undertook post graduate studies designed to improve my chances at work. Classes were held in evenings and at weekends several times a year. Based on this a few weeks ago I got a promotion at work and a pay rise, and yesterday got the results of my finals to say I have passed.

My parents called this morning to ask if we were home and I told them about my passing the exams. Naturally, they are happy, but my mum said; ''

'Oh, please give [DH's name] the most sincere thanks from your father and I for the support he gave you while you studied. We really wish to thank him for everything he does for you. Just think....now when you go out, you can buy him dinner!'

Um.... firstly, our money is joint, and I now earn most of it. Secondly, it just sort of implies a paternalistic view.... that I was at one stage passed from the parental care of my parents to the paternalistic care of DH, and they have to thank him for that' and thirdly it seems to fail to recognise the fact that I support my family very well myself and no-one asks DH to 'thank' me for that.

This has really very very deeply annoyed me and while I know I am overreacting I want to know if my thoughts about what all that implies are legitimate!!!!

Partly a source of the irritation is that my DM was quite abusive- physically and emotionally- when I was growing up. She had a drinking problem among other things and I got out of home as fast as I possibly could. Our relationship now is fairly decent, but to be fair she manages to wind me up without even trying, so this may just be another example of that!

Oh, please give [DH's name] the most sincere thanks from your father and I for the support he gave you while you studied. We really wish to thank him for everything he does for you

I don't see what's wrong with this at all. Why should the people quietly supporting us in the background not get any recognition?

CoNgRaTuLaTiOnS 🍾🥂🎂🎉🎊🎁🎈

It’s hugely patronising, but you’re not going to change her.

Just 🙄🙄🙄.

I swear my eyes will pop right over the top one of these days, but I decided that it’s just not worth ‘putting my mum straight’ when she comes out with this tripe. I’ve tried over the years, but it achieves absolutely nothing other than bad feeling & her ‘being so upset’ 🙄😫🙄

I’m sorry to hear about your DH 💐

Parents !

Previous OPs have spotted it, if you unpick her comment I think it translates as meaning that she feels that she could have achieved more with a more supportive husband. So your real achievement in her eyes is getting a supportive husband. And as somebody who had kids with a selfish entitled arse, she is half right.

Some parents are incapable of giving their children the credit for anything though. My MIL is like that, lots of praise for me & BIL and the offspring of random people she knows, but little or none for her own dc.

Depends. If they never say it the other way around then yes! My MIL sent me a card when my DH got a post grad qualification to thank me for my support. I took it as her recognising that these things often are a family endeavour. But I can see if it’s used as a put down that it would be annoying.

Arrgghh that would have wound me up too.

My mum is thinks DH is "just amazing" because he does the vacuuming and loads the DW

She also thanks him for "putting up with" me which pisses me right off.

Huge congratulations

This would annoy me deeply too. But you know what she's like, so don't let her comments wound you too deeply. Reflect on all YOU'VE achieved and then tell yourself her opinion doesn't matter.

And congratulations!

I get it.
People cheerlead men for doing what women are expected to do.

You have every right to be annoyed, it’s just like @RedSkyAtNight stated it’s a generation thing, some people of that generation think men are amazing for doing any type of childcare. Me and my husband went out with my Aunt and her partner for lunch as I was feeding the baby my husband took our three year old for a wee, when he arrived back at the table he got a blanket of praise ‘well done’ ‘good job’ I was really annoyed all he did was what he should do! Just like your husband!

Finny
Op also said, My mother often accuses me of being ‘oversensitive’ and ‘defensive’ so I am trying to figure out if I am! To which I answered That’s what people say to manipulate you. What I meant by this is calling people defensive and oversensitive is a tactic employed by people when they wish to silence their interlocutor. I wasn’t referring to the one comment but the general comments as presented by the op.

This is a discussion forum. Apart from the one question she posed, op is trying to find out if she is defensive and oversensitive. I gave my view on the information presented. Yours may differ.

Very patronising!!

If she says you are being defensive if you call her out on it-I think your best line of defence is possibly through your DH.

Explain how they make you feel and get him to praise you up to them.

Ah some people just don't know when to shut up do
they?

She probably thought she was saying something nice & positive OP.

Try not to be annoyed. Life is short. Your relationship is better now. You can't change how she behaves just how you react to it.

And huge congratulations to you! It's no mean feat studying and working and having kids!

Congratulations OP! How are you going to celebrate?

I agree with mummyoflittledragon when she said, You are not being defensive or oversensitive. That’s what people say to manipulate you. Another thing manipulators say when they feel you are leaving them behind in some way (such as achieving something they haven't) is to claim they were only joking when you call them out. They don't like it when you're on to them because they don't want to face their own vulnerability - it scares them.

I don't think it's a generational thing. This feels like a jealousy issue. Some mothers are jealous of their daughters' achievements. This isn't a new thing: this kind of jealousy has been going on for centuries.

I am going to take DH out for a really good dinner (once I can lock a babysitter in!).

It does mean that this year we can have a holiday also- last two years i have usually had workshops and exams in the summer so we have not been anywhere and then before that it was hard to take our eldest away. So this year.... 10 days, probably somewhere in France, self catering. I've been talking / dreaming saving for it for months and months!

I always need to check and re-check my reactions to DM, which is why I asked the question in the first place. We do get on better now, but I still see things through the prism of how we interacted with each other historically. There are some things I can't ever forgive her for from my childhood, although I try and just get on with things and be adult about it. Not always successfully!

It is pretty patronising towards both of you & implies that neither of you could cope without a pat on the head and "good boy!" type approval from them

btw - I spent the last few years doing an MA on top of a full time job. I didn't even tell my parents for the first couple of years as I knew they wouldn't really accept/respect it. When I passed, and told them, I got a verbal well done, but not a card or anything like that.

I wan't expecting a parade, but it would be nice to think of my parents as my biggest supporters, not my strongest critics.

Yes can see why you are annoyed - however you are not going to change her as others have said. Although it's easier said than done, I would try to focus firstly on what you have overcome early on, and your more recent great achievement and be proud of yourself. At the end of the day, does it matter that much what other people think? The important thing is you and your DH know how it's bbeen achieved and if it works for you just ignore others. Well done on your success