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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

About boyfriend working when I visit him?

74 replies

issy196 · 02/03/2018 11:27

I've been in a long distance relationship for a little while now (though my boyfriend is finally moving back to the UK in six months!) and I really do mean long distance - he's in Singapore and I'm here in miserable old England. Not that I'm bitter about the constant warm weather they have...

Anyway, we make the distance work but the incredibly expensive flights and 14 hour long flights mean that we generally only get to see each other a few times a year. I'm visiting him this month and staying for 2.5 weeks. We've booked a week away together, but apart from this, he's working most of the time I'm there.

I don't want to force him to take all his days off now just because I'm visiting, and he needs to save some so that we can go away again in a few months, but AIBU to be somewhat annoyed that I'm travelling halfway round the world and he'll be at work from 9-6 each day? I thought he'd booked an extra 3 days off but speaking to him last night, it's only 1. He also usually goes to the gym either before or after work for around 2 hours, again I don't want to stop him from doing this but what about me?

Overall, I'd be on my own for 6 days. Originally I wasn't too fussed as I have some friends from uni who live there so I planned to meet up with them, but by some strange coincidence they're all out of the country whilst I'm there. Singapore itself is really small and there's not that much to do - most of the attractions there I have already been too, or will be going to with him in the evenings/weekends. I really do need to do some revision for upcoming exams, but am I travelling halfway round the world to study stuff which I could learn at home?

He is living with his parents at the moment, both of whom are retired so are home all day, which makes me feel a bit uncomfortable just hanging out around the house. They're lovely but the culture is very different to here and basically, I don't think I could spend the whole day with them. Trying not to sound arrogant, but the typical British style of 'do whatever the guest wants' doesn't really hold over there - it's very much their house (fair enough) and there are all these different 'rules' which I don't really know/understand, so I'm always worried about doing something wrong. Last time I was there, my boyfriend's mum complained to him because I left the lid of my suitcase open one day Blush

Really not sure what to do here. I'd accepted the fact he has to work some of the time, but 6 days is quite a lot more than I expected. I feel like I signed up for this as I said he could work some of the days I'm there, but I'm dreading the thought of spending 6 long days alone. Last time I was there, he worked for one day and I spent the most of that day aimlessly walking around, incredibly bored!

OP posts:
outofmydepth45 · 02/03/2018 11:29

Does he has any holidays left?

If he goes to the gym instead of to you then he's not a keeper !

WTFIsThisVirus · 02/03/2018 11:30

How much holiday does he get per year, though? You see each other 3 times a year. If he books over a week off each time, he's going to run out of leave. He might need it for other things. I personally always try to leave some for errands or if DS is too ill for nursery, or just if I want a day off for myself

LagunaBubbles · 02/03/2018 11:35

Why has this been arranged if he can't or won't take time off work?

teaiseverything · 02/03/2018 11:37

What does he do for a living?

issy196 · 02/03/2018 11:39

I’m not 100% sure how much leave he actually gets, but I know he has to take 2 weeks (10 days) off in one go for regulatory reasons, and then he says he normally takes another 1.5 weeks which gives him enough ‘spare’ for random days off/birthdays/unexpected incidents etc. He works public holidays so gets TOIL for that.

He’s taking the 2 weeks off when we go away in July (holiday combined with friends wedding abroad). The company he works for are being really fair with holidays when he moves here, he gets a lot of time off to move and I think they give him a little extra holiday once he’s here for the remainder of the year.

I really don’t want to be the insufferable girlfriend who demands he does nothing but pay attention to me, but I’m really worried about spending six days on my own over there.

Would it be unreasonable to suggest he takes another 1-2 days off, then I can entertain myself for the remainder? He has enough leave to do this, though I’m not sure if he’d want to. One of the days is a bank holiday, he could apply to have it off (wouldn’t come out of his leave) but then wouldn’t get the lieu time for later on in the year.

OP posts:
ifancyachinese · 02/03/2018 11:41

If def be asking him to take some more time off. I've been to Singapore and love it but you're right there isn't endless amounts of things to do.
As pp said if he goes to the gym also on the days he is working for 2 hours after you've flown half way across the world to see him he is taking the mick out of you!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 02/03/2018 11:41

I'd murder him if he went to the gym as usual when you'd travelled all that way to see him!

issy196 · 02/03/2018 11:43

Laguna - I thought we had agreed he would take an extra couple of days off and I’d just find something to do on my own for 3 days, but I guess that wasn’t really agreed. Plus, this is the only time I have available to visit him and I’d rather go and at least be able to spend some time with him than none at all.

Teaiseverything - he works in finance

OP posts:
Nesssie · 02/03/2018 11:43

You're going for 2.5 weeks and will be alone for 6days? That doesn't seem bad imo.
Him going to the gym is a bit U seeing as you have come all the way out there to spend time, but I don't think you can be upset about him working.
I'd just take some books/revision and enjoy being in the sun rather than this awful weather!

teaiseverything · 02/03/2018 11:45

Eeeek ok. Might it be that he's in a position whereby it's difficult to take time off at certain times of year, has a team to manage etc? Just throwing it out there.

starfishmummy · 02/03/2018 11:47

So be has two weeks off with yoh in the summer and another week hes taking wben you go to stay tbjs month. Mahbe thats all the leave he can get at the moment?

starfishmummy · 02/03/2018 11:47

Oops i can spell really!!

hidinginthenightgarden · 02/03/2018 11:49

Days wouldn't bother me but him going to the gym for 2 hours really would and I would make sure he knew that!

issy196 · 02/03/2018 11:49

I did suggest he takes me to see his office - slightly jokingly but would actually quite like to go, though he’s definitely not keen!

I did used to work for the same company as him, I did the equivalent role but in the UK. I used to speak to the people in his team daily, before you all think I’m just really weird! His boss did say I should visit the office when I was there last time - think he wants to put me to work!!

OP posts:
slothface · 02/03/2018 11:51

If there's no way he can take extra days off, could you shorten your trip to 2 weeks instead of 2.5?

issy196 · 02/03/2018 11:52

Okay, maybe I am being unreasonable about taking extra days off. It’s just annoying me to know that he could take another day or two and I’m certain he said he would. But ultimately, if he wants to save them (for whatever stupid reason, last time it was to watch a UK football match that aired in the middle of the night over there...) then that’s up to him.

Will definitely try to get him to ditch the gym though

OP posts:
ItIsReallyW1ndy · 02/03/2018 11:56

Why are you not staying in a hotel or Air&b or is that to save money ? Instead of him going to gym each evening why can't you do some exercise together ? I know you have probably seen these all before, but there are great photo and people watching opportunities at the gardens by the bay, walk along the river, little India, little China, the Arab quarter, the botanical gardens, shopping. Does he spend more time with you when he is away from his parents ? If he is still living at home there may be some expectation for him to carry on as normal. Where is this relationship going in 1, 5 years time what are you hoping for ?

exexpat · 02/03/2018 11:56

Six working days alone in 2.5 weeks doesn't sound that bad, but I would be pissed off if I didn't take priority over the gym. No one needs to go to the gym for two hours a day.

SeaCabbage · 02/03/2018 12:01

You could certainly talk to him about whether he could take even one day more day off with you. Preferably more. If you talk to him about having six days on your own surely he will see that that really isn't on. An definitely ask him not to go to the gym while you are there! That would be sooooooooo rude.

Personally I would change my flight and come home early!

TalkinBoutWhat · 02/03/2018 12:02

He's really not making any changes to his life at all, is he?!

He's telling you who he is, loudly and clearly. He doesn't think you're worth skipping the gym for, maybe working a shorter day, or anything like that. And this is in the 'romantic' phase of your relationship. If he's like this now, he will be worse later.

Take heed!

AdalindSchade · 02/03/2018 12:10

You don't sound like a priority for him. Sorry

notanurse2017 · 02/03/2018 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StaplesCorner · 02/03/2018 12:11

He's going to the gym. You've flown to Singapore and he goes to the gym. Massive. Red. Flag.

As Talkin says above He doesn't think you're worth skipping the gym for

You need to talk.

MichaelBendfaster · 02/03/2018 12:11

Instead of him going to gym each evening why can't you do some exercise together ?

This is a good idea.

But I don't think I could cope with staying with his parents. His mum complained because you left the lid of your suitcase open one day? Hmm I hope he told her kindly but firmly that she was being a bit silly she said with understatement.

And more seriously, as the poster above says ,it is a bit worrying if he thinks this is how he can treat you; not changing anything about his life or daily routine when you've paid and travelled to see him.

MichaelBendfaster · 02/03/2018 12:12

Sorry, I was referring to Talkins post.