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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About boyfriend working when I visit him?

74 replies

issy196 · 02/03/2018 11:27

I've been in a long distance relationship for a little while now (though my boyfriend is finally moving back to the UK in six months!) and I really do mean long distance - he's in Singapore and I'm here in miserable old England. Not that I'm bitter about the constant warm weather they have...

Anyway, we make the distance work but the incredibly expensive flights and 14 hour long flights mean that we generally only get to see each other a few times a year. I'm visiting him this month and staying for 2.5 weeks. We've booked a week away together, but apart from this, he's working most of the time I'm there.

I don't want to force him to take all his days off now just because I'm visiting, and he needs to save some so that we can go away again in a few months, but AIBU to be somewhat annoyed that I'm travelling halfway round the world and he'll be at work from 9-6 each day? I thought he'd booked an extra 3 days off but speaking to him last night, it's only 1. He also usually goes to the gym either before or after work for around 2 hours, again I don't want to stop him from doing this but what about me?

Overall, I'd be on my own for 6 days. Originally I wasn't too fussed as I have some friends from uni who live there so I planned to meet up with them, but by some strange coincidence they're all out of the country whilst I'm there. Singapore itself is really small and there's not that much to do - most of the attractions there I have already been too, or will be going to with him in the evenings/weekends. I really do need to do some revision for upcoming exams, but am I travelling halfway round the world to study stuff which I could learn at home?

He is living with his parents at the moment, both of whom are retired so are home all day, which makes me feel a bit uncomfortable just hanging out around the house. They're lovely but the culture is very different to here and basically, I don't think I could spend the whole day with them. Trying not to sound arrogant, but the typical British style of 'do whatever the guest wants' doesn't really hold over there - it's very much their house (fair enough) and there are all these different 'rules' which I don't really know/understand, so I'm always worried about doing something wrong. Last time I was there, my boyfriend's mum complained to him because I left the lid of my suitcase open one day Blush

Really not sure what to do here. I'd accepted the fact he has to work some of the time, but 6 days is quite a lot more than I expected. I feel like I signed up for this as I said he could work some of the days I'm there, but I'm dreading the thought of spending 6 long days alone. Last time I was there, he worked for one day and I spent the most of that day aimlessly walking around, incredibly bored!

OP posts:
Plipplops · 02/03/2018 12:12

I'd agree to go for 2 weeks instead of 2.5?

FluffyWuffy100 · 02/03/2018 12:17

Work - ok

Gym for TWO hours every day - not ok

Original poster
issy196 · 02/03/2018 12:21

Yeah going to leave the work situation and raise the gym issue instead. That’s compromise, right?

I’d go with him but I’m desperately trying to get rid of a recurring injury, so really should rest for a few more weeks, unfortunately.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 02/03/2018 12:22

Perhaps he goes the gym for two hours to get away from his Parents? I agree that if you can't go along, he should ditch it, or cut it down.

I can understand him not wanting to take the time off now, if they are being generous over the move to the UK and in July. Unexpected stuff can come up.

If it can't be changed, then you need to think positively about what time you do have together.

Have you discussed each others expectations once living together?

S0ph1a · 02/03/2018 12:25

He's really not making any changes to his life at all, is he?!

He's telling you who he is, loudly and clearly. He doesn't think you're worth skipping the gym for, maybe working a shorter day, or anything like that. And this is in the 'romantic' phase of your relationship. If he's like this now, he will be worse later

This.

greengrass1234 · 02/03/2018 12:29

He's taken three weeks off in the first six months of the year. He may only have two left for the rest of the year?

I think it'd be unreasonable to expect him to completely stop exercising for three weeks tbh so like a pp why don't you go too or exercise together somewhere else?

If he lives with his parents that must suck. Could you not rent an Airbnb together while you're there? At least you'll have evening's alone

And the posters saying 'youre not a priority! He's telling you who he is! Take heed!' Well yes he's telling her he's a bloke who lives in Singapore with a full time job and a finite amount of annual leave. Should he just take unauthorised time off?! Mumsnet is mad

Long distance relationships are rubbish and this is why I wouldn't do it

greengrass1234 · 02/03/2018 12:31

And if he's working in a senior high stress finance job or something it's not like he can piss off home early for two weeks just because his girlfriend is staying. 🙄🙄🙄 Ridiculous

liminality · 02/03/2018 12:37

You have six days to fill in SIngapore. An amazing city filled with incredible tourist opportunities. Go look at them.
Do some one day tours. Catch a train to the sky garden. Take photos. Sit in a cafe and write postcards to your family I am quite in awe that you can't entertain yourself for a few days in a world-famous travel destination.

CascadaClassic · 02/03/2018 12:39

Totally agree greengrass1234

Gym is important. It's not as if he's ditched her to go drinking with his friends. Also, presumably the fact that he's the type of guy who spends 2 hours a day in the gym is part of the reason she's attracted to him.

teaiseverything · 02/03/2018 12:41

Without knowing his role within finance it's hard to comment but I'd imagine if he's out in Singapore, he's in a pretty high-pressured position.

With regards to the gym, some people need it as part of their day. They go nuts without it. He sounds a bit like that. Maybe a compromise and go for an hour instead of two?

ForgivenessIsDivine · 02/03/2018 12:43

I would suggest there is little point in your being there and using your holidays if he is at work... Tricky as you could suggest you fly back ealier but that would seem a nail in the coffin of your relationship... Could you take a trip locally? Maybe fly to Penang for a few days? Difficult to have this conversation over a distance but I would say you are not comfortable hanging around his parents house waiting for him to get home and would like to make other plans.

(Perhaps he genuinelying thought you would be occupied with your friends so it is probably worth putting that in there to soften the discussion. .)

AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/03/2018 12:43

greengrass he has more leave he can take, he’s choosing not to.

Issy he sound less into you, than you are into him. Be careful you’re not wasting your time on him. It’s very selfish of him not to take all the leave he has available to him when you’re there, especially when he’s leaving you at his parents house all day. It’s also very telling that he does not want you anywhere near his work. You know some if his colleagues and his Boss invited you, so why does he not want you there? Do you really want a lifetime of his batshit mother? You’re going there to see him & basically having to beg him to stay home from work, take you into his office and not spend hours at the gym everyday. AsK yourself WTAF you’re doing...and be honest with yourself.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 02/03/2018 12:44

What?? Genuinely. .. not genuinelying

Viviennemary · 02/03/2018 12:46

He has already taken a week off which I think is fairly reasonable. These very long distance relationships can only work if you're both on the same wavelength. I'd think I'd call it a day OP. It's not really going anywhere. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

sadsparticus · 02/03/2018 12:48

If he can time more time off, and he's choosing not to, then he's just not that into you, sorry.

After the end of my marriage I'm actually seeing "he's just not that into you" in relationships all over the place when others are spending ages agonising over the details Sad

GwenStaceyRocks · 02/03/2018 12:49

Can you change the dates so you are only there when he is on holiday? I wouldn't waste holiday time spending 6 days with my bf's parents. And if I were your bf's parents I would be wondering why you were hanging around for another 6 days when he is at work and you've already exhausted the tourist sites.

2rebecca · 02/03/2018 12:51

I think you should have booked in to a hotel rather than staying with his family if you're going for a prolonged stay. I'd expect him to reduce the gym sessions but you'd feel more relaxed in a hotel.

Chugalug · 02/03/2018 12:51

Have you already paid for this trip?

ForgivenessIsDivine · 02/03/2018 12:54

I like the idea of booking and AirBnB for the week and of accompanying him to the gym.

AlpacaLypse · 02/03/2018 12:59

Are your flights set in stone? Maybe break the journey up and have a stopover for a few nights somewhere on the way and be a lone tourist? India?

PrincessScarlett · 02/03/2018 13:00

I'd definitely only go for the period of time you can see your boyfriend otherwise it's a complete waste of time/holiday for you. You can't expect him to take more time off work as surely he'll have no holiday left.

Original poster
issy196 · 02/03/2018 13:01

Thanks everyone for the advice. As you can probably tell from what I’ve said and the split opinions, its really difficult for me as I know he’s very dedicated to his job and I don’t want to be a hassle for him, but I also know he could realistically take another day or two off with no real consequences, particularly as his current leave only has to last until the start of September. I’d never want to stand in the way of his career, especially since I feel very strongly about my own career. Luckily he’s in a senior enough position now to be able to leave at 6 or 7ish.

In hindsight, I should really have gone for just two weeks but it would cost me £100 to change my flights now and I’d rather just stay out a few more days than pay it. Plus, it really would cause a huge problem between us and I know it would upset him.

Forgiveness - we are actually going to Penang together! Just thought it was funny that you’d choose Penang as an example, must be a nice place then :)

Also, I just spoke to him briefly about the gym, it actually went very well and he said that he thought I wanted the extra time to study (is he crazy?! No thanks) so I guess that was an honest mistake. Should I just be happy with that or do I risk asking if he could just take one more day off? My flight leaves Singapore on a Saturday afternoon, it would be great if he could have the Friday off so we could spend some time together then.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 02/03/2018 13:01

Everyone else has said all sides, but the ‘last time I was on my own for one day and incredibly bored’ sounds ridiculous. A single day solo in Singapore should not be ‘I was just wandering around aimlessly’ (not an exact quote) and makes it sound rather like you need constant entertainment. But not from his parents.

Sparkletastic · 02/03/2018 13:02

I'd change my flights and not stay as long. If he goes to the gym for 2 hours every day when you are there I'd bin him off and cut your losses.

LetsGoBitches · 02/03/2018 13:04

Sounds like your relationship is a recurring injury actually. Sorry to be blunt.

Singapore is a lovely place, and I’m sure you can find lots of things to do.

Why not bring your boyfriends parents out?

Also, YES to visiting the office and reestablishing relationships there.

I think you know deep down what’s going on with your man.

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