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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About boyfriend working when I visit him?

74 replies

issy196 · 02/03/2018 11:27

I've been in a long distance relationship for a little while now (though my boyfriend is finally moving back to the UK in six months!) and I really do mean long distance - he's in Singapore and I'm here in miserable old England. Not that I'm bitter about the constant warm weather they have...

Anyway, we make the distance work but the incredibly expensive flights and 14 hour long flights mean that we generally only get to see each other a few times a year. I'm visiting him this month and staying for 2.5 weeks. We've booked a week away together, but apart from this, he's working most of the time I'm there.

I don't want to force him to take all his days off now just because I'm visiting, and he needs to save some so that we can go away again in a few months, but AIBU to be somewhat annoyed that I'm travelling halfway round the world and he'll be at work from 9-6 each day? I thought he'd booked an extra 3 days off but speaking to him last night, it's only 1. He also usually goes to the gym either before or after work for around 2 hours, again I don't want to stop him from doing this but what about me?

Overall, I'd be on my own for 6 days. Originally I wasn't too fussed as I have some friends from uni who live there so I planned to meet up with them, but by some strange coincidence they're all out of the country whilst I'm there. Singapore itself is really small and there's not that much to do - most of the attractions there I have already been too, or will be going to with him in the evenings/weekends. I really do need to do some revision for upcoming exams, but am I travelling halfway round the world to study stuff which I could learn at home?

He is living with his parents at the moment, both of whom are retired so are home all day, which makes me feel a bit uncomfortable just hanging out around the house. They're lovely but the culture is very different to here and basically, I don't think I could spend the whole day with them. Trying not to sound arrogant, but the typical British style of 'do whatever the guest wants' doesn't really hold over there - it's very much their house (fair enough) and there are all these different 'rules' which I don't really know/understand, so I'm always worried about doing something wrong. Last time I was there, my boyfriend's mum complained to him because I left the lid of my suitcase open one day

Really not sure what to do here. I'd accepted the fact he has to work some of the time, but 6 days is quite a lot more than I expected. I feel like I signed up for this as I said he could work some of the days I'm there, but I'm dreading the thought of spending 6 long days alone. Last time I was there, he worked for one day and I spent the most of that day aimlessly walking around, incredibly bored!

OP posts:

Original poster

issy196 · 02/03/2018 13:07

Would it be rude to look at hotels/AirBnBs etc now? We are away for the one week and also have another 3 nights booked into a hotel in Singapore, but the more people talk about the more I’m dreading staying with his parents. They are genuinely nice people (maybe my posts didn’t show this enough) but the culture is just so different and that’s the problem.

OP posts:

kubex · 02/03/2018 13:08

I actually think you're being very unreasonable!

So he has to work for 6 days while you are there? If you wanted to spend every day with him, you should have booked your trip around his work. Although why on earth you can't entertain yourself for 6 days in a city like Singapore is beyond me!

As for the gym, expecting someone to not exercise for almost 3 weeks is unfair. You could maybe suggest he goes before work, instead of after but to ask him not to go at all is unacceptable.

Instead of complaining about your boyfriends parents, maybe you should use this time to make an effort and get to know them and their culture better. They are inviting you to stay in their house for almost 3 weeks - you sound massively ungrateful and really hard work!

IWouldLikeToKnow · 02/03/2018 13:14

To all those saying it's not going anywhere/he's not changing anything for her/he's not that into her -did she not say in the OP that he's moving to the UK - I can only assume that he's moving there for her.

Garmadonsmum · 02/03/2018 13:15

Have you posted about him before? If he's the one I'm thinking of I'm sure everyone told you to ltb then!

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 02/03/2018 13:17

Is it not a good idea to keep some daily reality in the relationship so you don't end up with it going wrong when you aren't just having holidays together and nothing else?

TatianaLarina · 02/03/2018 13:19

Maybe he cut down on the gym hours while you’re there - 2 hours is a bit excessive.

How long as this been LD? And how long will it continue to be LD? Do you have an end dat?

Unless he’s looking to work elsewhere or you’re prepared to relocate to Singapore is this relationship going to work long term?

MyKingdomForBrie · 02/03/2018 13:22

Are there pools or things where you could go and lounge in the sun with a book? That’s what I’d do..

PrincessScarlett · 02/03/2018 13:23

Although you say he could take another couple of days off without consequence, he might not want to use up all his annual leave on you so he has nothing left for anything else that may crop up before September. He's already taking 6 days this time and 2 weeks with you later on. Unfortunately this is why long term relationships suck. You'll have him with you permanently in 6 months time so I think you just need to focus on that.

2rebecca · 02/03/2018 13:27

Why did you ever want to stay with his parents for that long? As an adult it seems strange to me. Teenagers go and stay with their boyfriend's parents but I would want more privacy and it would never have occurred to me to ask to stay in his parents' house. If you have money to stay in a hotel why didn't you just book one in the first place?

Original poster

issy196 · 02/03/2018 13:31

To answer a couple of questions in one go - I haven’t posted about him before and he is moving here in September. Ultimately it’s for the relationship but it is also benefitting his career. We have been together almost three years, long distance for about the last 15 months.

Maybe I am being ridiculous given how touristy Singapore is, but I’ve spent a fair amount of time there over the last five years. I studied and lived there for 4 months. I love the country and could visit gardens by the bay over and over again, but there’s only so many times I want to see the other things. Almost everything I could do is something I have done at least once before. Would you all really want to go on the London eye eight times?

OP posts:

Somersetter · 02/03/2018 13:38

6 days on your own isn't such a hardship, especially in such a beautiful place. Sunbathe, swim, wander round, enjoy all the lovely food.

From his point of view, he'll get to see you every day, have a holiday with you, and go to work 6 days out of, what, 17? 18? Honestly sounds good to me.

NotSoSprightly · 02/03/2018 13:39

If this isn't a good reason to take his holiday, then what is?!

GeorgeW78 · 02/03/2018 13:41

You say his parents are lovely so spend time with them just not in their home! You could ask them to show you around (even if you've seen it before). The relationship might be easier out of their home iykwim, you might get to see somewhere tourists don't normally go or at least a story behind it that could make it more interesting. They might appreciate a trip out and to get to know you out of their home. You could start with half a day and then go off on your own so it's not too much. If it works out plan something for the following week for a whole day.
It's worth remembering they've probably got all kinds of feelings going on as their son is moving from their home to half way round the world so spending time with them might make them feel comforted that you'll visit etc.

Mrsmadevans · 02/03/2018 13:49

I think yabu , he is taking a week off to be with you. Also he is entitled to keep himself fit and well. I don't see why don't you go to the gym with him? Sorry my dear but you did ask. I hope you have a wonderful time with him and his family.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/03/2018 13:51

I think asking him to cut back on the gym was a good compromise. It's not always easy to get time off work, especially at the last minute (you said you fly out Saturday).

I know you feel 'awkward' (for lack of a better word) around his parents BUT if you foresee this relationship progressing to marriage/living together permanently perhaps this 6 days would be a good chance to spend time and engage with his parents and 'get to know them' with a view to them being a permanent part of your future life. To, as Sir David Attenborough says, 'observe them in their native habitat'.

I know your bf is moving to the UK and they live in Singapore, but things change. And you never know what may happen OR how much influence they might have on your married/living together life.

TatianaLarina · 02/03/2018 13:57

I would make a book list of all the things I wanted to read but hadnt had time. List of films/documentaries/tv series to catch up on.

I wouldn’t personally choose to stay in bf parents’ house - I’d find somewhere with a pool and swim every day.

BackforGood · 02/03/2018 14:12

I don't think 6 days out of 2.5 weeks is much to entertain yourself, particularly as you said you need to be studying. It will be lovely and warm. I'd take a few books to read and yes, revisit places. Sounds like a nice balance in fact. As he is at work, and already got 2 weeks booked in July, of course he can't really justify having all the time off, but he'll be there evenings and nighttime, and obviously spend the other 10 days or so with you.

mollied · 02/03/2018 14:17

I don't see the problem if someone came to visit me I would still have to work and I still would work. My brother lives in Australia and has 2 kids out there when I go over he takes no time off at all as he needs all his holiday to take the kids away (fine) I just find ways to entertain myself. I don't think you can expect him to completely stop his life just because you are going for 2.5 weeks he's already taking time off.

bunbunny · 02/03/2018 14:26

And definitely go into the office to see people even if you don't see him there - it will be something different to break up those 6 days!

BitOfFun · 02/03/2018 14:27

It does rather sound like you are reluctant to make any demands of him at all for fear of being seen as unreasonable. It’s no way to live- you have to be able to be open and honest about your expectations. Are you scared he would break up with you if you caused him to change his plans? Beware of sticking with an unsatisfying relationship because of the old “sunken costs” fallacy: he’s not the only man in the world.

sonjadog · 02/03/2018 14:27

I think you need to have an honest and open conversation with him about all the questions you have. These are the kinds of questions that will show you who he is and what kind of future you have together. You can’t have a long term relationship where you are always second guessing what you should do.

S0ph1a · 02/03/2018 14:48

Getting to know his family is good advice as they may be coming to stay with you for several months each year. That’s what happens in many Chinese and Malaysian families I know. The wife is expected to look after them, even if it’s his parents.

One MIL I know spend 6 months each year with one child in The UK and the other 6 months on USA with the other. She’s hardly ever in her home country.

greengrass1234 · 02/03/2018 16:02

Good luck op
FWIW I think you're both doing the best you can. Enjoy the time you have together now and look forward to the annual leave he can take later this year when he moves to London!

Beeziekn33ze · 03/03/2018 11:13

Not much difference between 2 weeks and 2.5 weeks really. Are you getting your revision out of the way?
If he's in a high stress financial job the stress is unlikely to decrease as his status increases.
You sound high maintenance if you can't entertain yourself in Singapore.

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