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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just wondering.......

70 replies

Lexi123 · 01/03/2018 21:25

Hi, just looking for a bit of perspective or just wondering if I’m being petty. I’ve been in a relationship for the last 18 months with a really nice man. He is eight years younger, but it honestly isn’t a problem or so I thought. We connect on so many levels but recently there are a few things that have started to bother me. For example the majority of the time we always go halves (which I don’t disagree with) but sometimes it would be nice to be treated. We recently went away for a weekend and had a long day out, he fell asleep so I ordered a snack from room service. On checking out the next day he said “ oh, I paid for your food” it was £8. I apologised and offered to pay immediately but he said “ no don’t worry, it’s fine” I sensed it wasn’t really. I’m a single mum and I rent privately which kills me and I know that’s not his responsibility but I have to watch every penny. He also doesn’t drive (and has no intention to)so I feel as though I’m picking him up and dropping him home all the time which again I don’t mind but sometimes feel like I’m a mum to him too! My ex husband was more the type who would pay for dinner/drinks/ cabs and treat me but I sometimes feel like the age gap is apparent in these situations and I’m not sure if I’m bring unreasonable or just used to the security of my old life. I feel embarrassed about how to broach these things but for the last few months I can’t ignore the unsettled feelings about the future. Maybe we just have different lives and expectations! Am I BU?

OP posts:

Whatshallidonowpeople · 01/03/2018 21:39

Do you ever "treat" him? If not then you are bu expecting him to treat you. But stop picking him up and dropping him off, get him to make his own arrangements.

Original poster

Lexi123 · 01/03/2018 22:32

In fairness yes I have. I booked theatre tickets for his birthday for a show he wanted to see and a hotel in London for after. I’m not expecting him to subsidise me but maybe I’m old fashioned in the way that after 18 months it would be nice to feel like you’re being taken out. As I say, maybe it’s a different outlook.

OP posts:

fairypuff · 01/03/2018 22:35

So the theatre tickets were a birthday present so not just a treat, like paying for room service? YABU. It's 2018 not 1918. We campaigned for equal rights, and, for the most part, we got them.

OnlyAbigail · 01/03/2018 22:37

I'd be pissed off about constantly having to pick him up and drive him around!

canttake · 01/03/2018 22:37

He sounds very careful with money, possibly stingy, only you can really tell. But after 18 months I'd expect more give and take, and less "you owe me 50p".

The "Mum" feeling isn't good either. Does he drive? Pay for petrol?

Aprilmightmemynewname · 01/03/2018 22:39

You need a taxi sign + a meter for your car. And use it..
Tf (tight fucker) (him not you)

canttake · 01/03/2018 22:39

Sorry I didn't mean to ask does he drive, I meant does he thank you/recognise that, but got distracted.

mummymummums · 01/03/2018 22:40

Does he earn more than you? Or have lower outgoings? If he has more disposable income, then yes, I'd think it not unreasonable for him to be less strict on the splitting of costs all the time. I'd say the same to you if you were financially more comfy for him, so it's not a sexist thing.
And definitely stop picking him up - he's an adult! I'd understand it occasionally on the way somewhere but he needs to take responsibility for his own travel.

cariadlet · 01/03/2018 22:51

I think it's only right that you go halves. I've been with my dp for about 20 years. We'll each treat the other when it's a birthday eg if we go out for a meal. Other than that we always goes halves. It would seem old-fashioned and a bit weird for dp to pay for me for no particular reason.

On the other hand, making such a big deal about paying for "your food" seems really petty.

AlexaAmbidextra · 02/03/2018 05:08

If he insists on going halves for everything I'd be charging him 50% of the petrol costs for driving him around.

BubbaLips · 02/03/2018 05:18

my friend new partner has recently moved in with her and gives her half gas and elecricity but only pays for food he eats so he gives her £33. as he says he only eats £13 worth of food if they get a takeaway delivered he only pays what he eats half the chip ect... its toi the stage now it is cringworthy if we all go out for a meal ect. he studys the bill and only pays his share down to the last penny.

InfiniteSheldon · 02/03/2018 05:36

I really don't get the going halves thing we just take it in turns. I generally pay for food eaten at home he generally pays when we are out but if we need groceries he'll pay if he picks them up and I'll pick up the odd check. We only go halves on big things. Asking for £8 when you are doing all the driving is taking the piss. If this is an issue still at eighteen months i would move on he's tight and a bit of a user.

falang · 02/03/2018 05:43

Yanbu OP. I wouldn't like the always going halves thing especially as you are running him around in your car with your petrol. He sounds like a right Scrooge. Get rid.

squiglet111 · 02/03/2018 06:42

Does he earn a lot? Being 8 years younger could mean he doesn't earn as much as your ex-husband earnt and may not be able to afford to treat. My husband is 5 years younger than me and when we met he was in a low salary job and had rent and bills to pay so couldn't afford to treat. Do you know how much he earns etc?

HuskyMcClusky · 02/03/2018 06:45

The ‘I paid for your food’ thing is pathetic. I’d be turned off by that alone.

The running around after him etc. would seal the deal. He sounds immature and not very generous.

Brigante9 · 02/03/2018 06:52

Ask for half the petrol/MOT/service costs.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 02/03/2018 06:55

I’m with you OP, YANBU

SnowiestMountain · 02/03/2018 06:58

YANBU OP. Does he earn a lot less than you though or is he quite young? Is the age difference something like 30 & 22 or more like 48 & 40?

If he's younger, while not an excuse it might be a bit easier to understand but if not so much then he needs to buck his ideas up a bit.

Rosielily · 02/03/2018 07:11

By being his taxi driver You ARE being a mum to him too. Who makes the running in this relationship most of the time. Why can't he use public transport to visit you. Do you have to take your child with you when you're driving him around? Who organised the long weekend away?

Hopeful16 · 02/03/2018 07:16

We opened a joint account to make payments when we were out easier. We each put an equal amount in but it saved awkward moments when the bill arrived about whose "turn" it was. Could this be a solution?

DarthNigel · 02/03/2018 07:25

Hmm my dp is notoriously tight...I didn't expect him to 'treat me' but the constant, 'you owe me 27 p' did get a bit waring. Because I'm generous of nature I would often pay for tickets or get him little gifts and overtime I became a bit resentful that those things weren't reciprocated. I know I didn't have to do that, so it was my own fault-he certainly wasn't asking me to.But that's kind of part of my personality and it was quite hard for me to understand and accept that it just wasn't his-and that it shouldn't be taken personally.
I've stopped doing that as much and after a conversation and some subliminal training he stopped constantly needing to work everything out to the exact penny.
He still isn't as free with money as I'd like him to be-for example if we need to buy something we always have to talk about it, go and look at it, go back and look around again, then go and buy it-even on fairly small items-and that drives me mental as sometimes it's nice to be spontaneous...that said I'm sure he sees me as being overly frivolous-hopefully we balance each other out.
Think you just need a chat with your man there op... and yes stop the driving a little bit (or charge him the petrol and play him at his own game )

Angrybird345 · 02/03/2018 07:29

He sounds quite miserly and making comments about the £8 is a bit. I trolling, like saying you owe him. I’d think about walking away. Stop the lifts and see how he gets on then

acquiesce · 02/03/2018 07:29

I agree with going halves but I can’t STAND right behaviour like ‘I paid for your food’ he seems like the sort of person to hold you to it if he nipped to the shops and picked up a bottle of milk for you.
Start charging for petrol. Two can play that game!

acquiesce · 02/03/2018 07:30

That was meant to say tight behaviour

Pinkvoid · 02/03/2018 08:21

My DP and I don’t go halves but we take things in turns instead. It may not always work out to be a fair deal but we don’t sweat the small stuff because it reaaaalllyyy doesn’t matter.

Also I wouldn’t be taxiing him around, you need to stop that.

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