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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just wondering.......

70 replies

Lexi123 · 01/03/2018 21:25

Hi, just looking for a bit of perspective or just wondering if I’m being petty. I’ve been in a relationship for the last 18 months with a really nice man. He is eight years younger, but it honestly isn’t a problem or so I thought. We connect on so many levels but recently there are a few things that have started to bother me. For example the majority of the time we always go halves (which I don’t disagree with) but sometimes it would be nice to be treated. We recently went away for a weekend and had a long day out, he fell asleep so I ordered a snack from room service. On checking out the next day he said “ oh, I paid for your food” it was £8. I apologised and offered to pay immediately but he said “ no don’t worry, it’s fine” I sensed it wasn’t really. I’m a single mum and I rent privately which kills me and I know that’s not his responsibility but I have to watch every penny. He also doesn’t drive (and has no intention to)so I feel as though I’m picking him up and dropping him home all the time which again I don’t mind but sometimes feel like I’m a mum to him too! My ex husband was more the type who would pay for dinner/drinks/ cabs and treat me but I sometimes feel like the age gap is apparent in these situations and I’m not sure if I’m bring unreasonable or just used to the security of my old life. I feel embarrassed about how to broach these things but for the last few months I can’t ignore the unsettled feelings about the future. Maybe we just have different lives and expectations! Am I BU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lexi123 · 02/03/2018 08:35

Thank you all for your replies it’s interesting to see people’s opinions. To put you in the picture he earns almost double what I earn. I do want to point out he doesn’t offer petrol money either. I think this is what irks me!! I’m early forties and he is early thirties and up until now it hasn’t bothered me in the slightest but I probably should have mentioned that I’m his first “serious” relationship and maybe he just hasn’t had the experience of certain situations.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lexi123 · 02/03/2018 08:37

Also,the giving lifts thing isn’t so much about expecting money, more I feel like his mum! And it is a bit off putting 😬

OP posts:

MarthasGinYard · 02/03/2018 08:38

Ugh the driving thing would have pushed me over the edge by now.

MarthasGinYard · 02/03/2018 08:40

Pointing out the 8 pounds

That's Grim

Especially as I'm assuming you've drive As usual

canttake · 02/03/2018 08:43

Sounds like you're done - he's not likely to change, if anything he'll get worse. Especially bad since he earns more, gets free lifts, and doesn't have a child to look after.

Original poster

Lexi123 · 02/03/2018 08:45

Yes the £8 thing was a bit much, bearing in mind that if we got out and I drive I often pay the parking charges. I honestly have never been in a relationship where things like this have been a problem. I suppose when I was married it was “our” money so you don’t notice these things and I’m just not used to it. I’m 43 and he is 34 just for those who asked.

OP posts:

TathitiPete · 02/03/2018 08:45

Be ready next time OP

him: I paid for your food.
you: I paid for the petrol to drive us here.

Rosielily · 02/03/2018 08:48

He's taking you for a ride (and not in the same way as you are!!). He earns double your income and you struggle financially even without acting as a taxi driver for him. He seems to be getting rather a lot out of this relationship. What about you?

Original poster

Lexi123 · 02/03/2018 08:48

I’ve got 3 children so a really busy household (all teenagers) and that’s why I feel like he is another one with the lifts here and there! I will certainly stop doing that as much.

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MarthasGinYard · 02/03/2018 08:50

I'd find it all a massive turn off

Original poster

Lexi123 · 02/03/2018 08:51

To be fair to him these are just the negatives. He is kind and we have great conversations together. We get on brilliantly. I think the fact he doesn’t have a great deal of experience in relationships and the fact he doesn’t have children probably are our main differences. He certainly played the field at uni so he isn’t completely naive! I think I just like it to feel equal.

OP posts:

Annechristmas · 02/03/2018 08:53

I don't think there's anything wrong going halves.

The pointing out the £8 would have annoyed me considering that he's quite happy for you to give him lifts. If I were you I'd need to get some petrol when he's in the car and see if he offers to contribute.

SpriteGirl · 02/03/2018 08:53

This isn’t inexpensive, he isn’t that young. Just tight and selfish.

RandomMess · 02/03/2018 08:53

Every time you drive you tell him to pay the parking!! Or start telling him to get a cab to and from yours as you feel like his Mum otherwise...

thatgirlthere · 02/03/2018 08:55

"Oh I paid for your food"????? Gross. So unattractive. I would LTB.

But that's just me. I was a travelling spouse and now a SAHM so I haven't worked or paid for anything for years.

Sutre · 02/03/2018 08:56

He's so tight! I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like this. He actually brought the £8 snack to your attention it's just cringey. Before DH and I were married I was always generous with him as he was with me. 18 months in I wouldn't be expecting to split the bill- maybe one get it one time another another time but I imagine he won't do this as it might not work out exactly "fair". Stop with the lifts as well or start charging him petrol money.

ilovesooty · 02/03/2018 08:58

Sort out the driving situation so that he pays his way.

The being treated aspect is unreasonable in my opinion. You're both independent adults.

isitfridayyet1 · 02/03/2018 09:02

I have to disagree with the going halves thing that most of the previous posters have said. You've explained that you have three children and high rent charges, you also offer your partner lifts very often yet your partner doesn't want to pay more than half on social activities and evenings out? He sounds very stingy! he should understand as you have less disposable income, it may be difficult for you to match him with equal payments for things and therefore at least offer to pay for stuff sometimes!

Charley50 · 02/03/2018 09:21

Yep he's tight. Which is a character trait. Can you tell him how it affects you emotionally and financially, and see if he'll change?

junebirthdaygirl · 02/03/2018 09:22

Do you go out with him and his friiends? Who pays then? Do you know his family and get invited to family occasions? Does he ever cook for you? Has he bought you presents or popped in with flowers or even a chocolate bar?
Just trying to gauge how generous in general he is..with his time as well as his money?

Charley50 · 02/03/2018 09:23

And if he won't, consider getting rid.

UrgentExitRequired · 02/03/2018 10:08

34 is old enough to know better. I am all for equality but I think it is nice to be treated and i do believe that women should be wooed (and vice versa). Unless he is really struggling for money, I think asking for £8 back is very tight of him, n not sure how he isn't embarrassed by this behaviour. I would not be in a relationship with him.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 02/03/2018 10:09

I don't think the age gap matters, but really, I don't think he has enough life experience, for you. If you occasionally feel like his Mother, move on, find a man who makes you feel like a woman, all of the time !

Original poster

Lexi123 · 02/03/2018 10:18

I think that’s just it, at my age I want to be treated as a woman and it sometimes doesn’t feel like that. At Christmas we had a wobble but I still gave him his presents. He didn’t get me anything and said” oh we were going through a rough patch I felt silly buying you anything” I don’t give to receive but it bothered me. He also didn’t get my kids a card for their birthdays but came round for cake lol! It’s not the receiving of things but the fact he doesn’t think to do it at all!

OP posts:

Original poster

Lexi123 · 02/03/2018 10:22

He is a nice person so I know it’s not deliberate but it’s obvious things just don’t seem to occur to him. As a previous poster put I think it’s the life experience so I feel mean thinking these things.

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