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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just wondering.......

70 replies

Lexi123 · 01/03/2018 21:25

Hi, just looking for a bit of perspective or just wondering if I’m being petty. I’ve been in a relationship for the last 18 months with a really nice man. He is eight years younger, but it honestly isn’t a problem or so I thought. We connect on so many levels but recently there are a few things that have started to bother me. For example the majority of the time we always go halves (which I don’t disagree with) but sometimes it would be nice to be treated. We recently went away for a weekend and had a long day out, he fell asleep so I ordered a snack from room service. On checking out the next day he said “ oh, I paid for your food” it was £8. I apologised and offered to pay immediately but he said “ no don’t worry, it’s fine” I sensed it wasn’t really. I’m a single mum and I rent privately which kills me and I know that’s not his responsibility but I have to watch every penny. He also doesn’t drive (and has no intention to)so I feel as though I’m picking him up and dropping him home all the time which again I don’t mind but sometimes feel like I’m a mum to him too! My ex husband was more the type who would pay for dinner/drinks/ cabs and treat me but I sometimes feel like the age gap is apparent in these situations and I’m not sure if I’m bring unreasonable or just used to the security of my old life. I feel embarrassed about how to broach these things but for the last few months I can’t ignore the unsettled feelings about the future. Maybe we just have different lives and expectations! Am I BU?

OP posts:

Cambionome · 02/03/2018 10:29

Have you actually talked about this, op?

For what it's worth, I was just about to say YABU until I realised he was 34 and earning twice as much as you! However, maybe
give him a chance (one). Sit down and have a - calm - conversation about how you feel. If he doesn't listen/understand start thinking seriously about ending it.

MarthasGinYard · 02/03/2018 12:08

He's reminding you that he spent 8 quid on you

Where do you see this going really

AnnaleeP · 02/03/2018 12:17

What is he telling you by his actions?

He resents spending money on you (no Christmas presents), thinks you should pay for him (no petrol money) and is tight (the £8 snack).

I'd sit him down, explain it all and give him one chance to pull his head out of his arse. If he doesn't, bin him off.

Corblimeyguv · 02/03/2018 12:30

Hi OP, some of this is familiar with my ex bf. He would have pulled a stunt like the £8 job whilst I would merrily stump up other expenses without complaint and on a much lower salary.

That wasn’t the reason we split in itself- we just weren’t quite right for each other- but I realised that I had had enough when we went out for what turned out to be stupidly expensive meal with his work, all the other employees paid for their partners, I reached for my wallet and he made a show of saying “no, it’s okay” in front of everyone and then paying, but then on the way home he asked for his money back. It wasn’t the money so much, but the way he did it!

Not sure if this is the same with you, but because my ex bf’s salary was higher and he had far fewer outgoings than me, he had no understanding of how stressful money was for me. Yet he could be quite tight with it!

Perhaps he just needs to be made aware of all the things you do for him.

tinkywinky2018 · 02/03/2018 12:33

I think that’s just it, at my age I want to be treated as a woman and it sometimes doesn’t feel like that

Does being treated like a woman mean having things paid for by a man?

falang · 02/03/2018 13:03

OP he's not a nice person because a nice person wouldn't behave like he does.

Dysania · 02/03/2018 13:15

OP generosity is an important personality trait for me because I am a generous person. I do t just mean money but time, effort and thoughtfulness.
For a generous person to be with a stinger person it's difficult and you feel taken for granted. I think that you are both different personality types.
It's not age so much. Have a chat with him about these issues but if things don't change I can't see a happy future.

SnowBusinessLikeSlowBusiness · 02/03/2018 13:17

but is OP generous? Calling him names because he doesn't pay for her is hardly fair when she is not just not paying for him but expecting freebies!

InfiniteSheldon · 02/03/2018 13:29

Tell him the £8 snack was your Christmas present and give him a bill for petrol and parking. I think you've picked a bad one here time to cut him lose

gamerchick · 02/03/2018 13:30

I think it boils down to if you like him then have a proper conversation with him about money. Start with the reminding you about the 8 quid he spent on you and educate him on the costs of running a car. None drivers sometimes don’t have it on their radar.

Or cut your losses and let him loose.

MaggieS41 · 02/03/2018 13:59

Don’t let the charm and nice conversations fool you. After 18 months if you don’t feel comfortable broaching the subject of the more taking than giving then I think you should reevaluate your relationship. I’m 6 years senior to my dh and similar age to you and he would never treat me like this. And didn’t have much ‘relationship’ experience. It’s who he is. Personally I’d end it. Don’t be afraid of being single - you’re still young enough to find a partner who has the same values!

To the comment about living in 2018 not 1918 - that doesn’t mean you can’t treat your girlfriend. I hate such stupid ‘misogynistic’ like comments coming from females. Have some respect!! She bloody drives him around and probably spent more on him than he has on her!! The Christmas farce just proves his immaturity and at age 30s I don’t think he’ll change much!

Good luck! You deserve more.

GeorgeW78 · 02/03/2018 14:16

Perhaps he's still caught up in the split everything culture from uni days but if he's 30+ he should have grown up by now. You say you feel like his mum at times driving him around etc, he could be feeling the same. I bet his Mum still puts his name in cards when sending them to older relatives so maybe he was expecting you to put his name in your card to your children! He's acting like a kid (or a cheeky shit) but you're facilitating that. You need a grown up conversation now, don't put it off. If it continues once you've had the chat you won't be able tell yourself it's only because it hasn't occurred to him.

Rosielily · 02/03/2018 15:07

When you went away on the £8 snack weekend who paid? Who organised that? Was that for a special occasion? I'm just intrigued about the dynamics in this relationship and how much you each bring to the table. I don't mean in a materialistic way, but more in an emotional, loving, partnership way, if that makes sense?

Original poster

Lexi123 · 02/03/2018 16:30

In response to previous posters no I don’t think you need to have a man make you feel like a woman but at times I do think it’s reasonable to be wooed once in a while. Also, I can’t recall where in my post I’ve called him names!? To the more reasonable comments, we paid half each for the weekend away and split meals/ drinks as usual. I do think he may still be stuck in his ways from uni as I said before I just don’t think it occurs to him but I will bring it up and see what he says.

OP posts:

MarthasGinYard · 02/03/2018 20:06

So where do you see this going Op?

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 02/03/2018 20:09

I find men who can't drive a real turn off

Helpimfalling · 02/03/2018 20:21

On a new note who the hell shows up to a kids house on there birthday without bringing so much as a card even if I had not much money at all I'd make sure I took a bloody card

This id be seriously hurt over

Rosiie · 02/03/2018 20:36

It would be a huge turn off for me if we constantly had to go halves on everything. OP, if he was the one who ordered snack from the room service and on checking out you saw it, would you mention the £8?

InfiniteSheldon · 03/03/2018 07:53

You are making excuses for him, at 34 University should be a distant memory. Not getting you a Christmas present, kids don't get birthday presents or even cards he's not a nice man he's rude, tight and doesn't value you.

doze931 · 03/03/2018 08:04

My husband lost his driving licence 3weeks into our relationship. He was 19 and i was 18. He paid my car insurance of £1500 the first yr we were together as i was doing all the driving and collecting him etc. We were living together by the following yr and had a joint account

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