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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say dd needs to stay at school

96 replies

Wishfulmakeupping · 01/03/2018 17:04

foundation class trip walking to the local shops, teachers not told me just heard from another parent who has been asked to help get them there. they have to cross a known busy road - no traffic lights there.
its a big class of 32, I don't feel comfortable I think I'm going to say they'll have to leave her behind - aibu?

OP posts:
Thistlebelle · 01/03/2018 17:57

YABU

Cabininthewoods69 · 01/03/2018 17:58

This is the most ridiculous post yet. So if she stays behind and her whole class goes won't it make her stand out and then no one will play with her at play time. Over parenting can damage a child massively and effects social skills. Plus who is going to stay with her at school

arethereanyleftatall · 01/03/2018 17:58

I'm surprised they didn't tell you. We always get emailed plus a paper letter for consent, plus 'can anyone help?'.
We will still have plenty of parents who will say 'but you never told me.'
I was always a bit worried for stuff like this, so always volunteered.

ittakes2 · 01/03/2018 17:58

I help on these sorts of trips. To cross, the adults form a barrier with their hands held wide between the cars and the children. Ie there is an adult on each carriage way ie two carriage ways, two adults. It’s very safe - the cars have all stopped before the children cross the road and the adults don’t leave their role as barriers until the last child is safely across.

category12 · 01/03/2018 18:00

There was probably a general permissions letter at the beginning of the year.

AppleKatie · 01/03/2018 18:01

Yabu

The teachers will have been on this trip before and they will be well used to handling DC. If they thought there was something special about your DD that made it dangerous for her to attend this trip they wouldn’t be taking her.

zzzzz · 01/03/2018 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quartz2208 · 01/03/2018 18:05

Yes there is a girl in DD year whose Mum reminds me of you - she wont go on school trips unless the mum is there, constantly worrying and fretting and going in.

it has a little bit set her apart as being different. Also because her mum was always getting involved in friendships she has not learnt how to deal with them herself and is behind socially because of it.

Reception is about social learning you need to let her figure it out herself

MarieMorgan · 01/03/2018 18:07

Agree with smashed mug. It's all very well saying all will be fine as risk assessment done etc. But I was horrified when I was a parent helper on walk in to town. One of the parents had hold of a little boys hand and he was on the road side. She was chatting away to someone in front and he was walking up and down the gutter with massive lorries going past. I was too far back to do anything but may heart was in my mouth. The teacher in charge told helpers to keep children away from road side but never once looked back to see if this was actually happening. Changed my view completely about safety on trips and my husband or me always volunteer to help now.

Elmosmum · 01/03/2018 18:08

Why don't you volunteer as a class helper for the trip?

Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 01/03/2018 18:29

Someone asked what the meeting tomo was about as they had assumed it was about this trip which it is not.
However the constant blase attitude of the teacher about dd problems settling in show me there’s a big difference in expectations. I would have hoped by now the school would have been more proactive in creating an inclusive environment and buddying dd up for example.
Secondly as I’ve said I have a working knowledge of the issues associated with that particular road if their risk assessment seems it safe to take 32 kids across it when there’s been so many accidents recently then I question the effectiveness of the assessment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 01/03/2018 18:29

I will be volunteering as a helper definitely if I had known about it in the first place I would have immediately

OP posts:
Woodfordhound · 01/03/2018 18:33

I think you’re all being a little harsh.
OP, I think you’d be wrong to stop her going but I know how easy it is to get caught up in the stress and worry over your child’s safety. My oldest child is 11 but when she was 4/5 and started school I got myself in a panic every time another parent offered to take her home for a play date. I literally had a panic attack one afternoon worrying if she’d be safe walking back from school to her friend’s house. The mum was normal, sensible, reliable and her house was a 7minute walk from school.
But I’d been a SAH and it had been just DD and me until she was 4 and we’d never really been apart. Nobody else had looked after her ever so the whole prospect was literally gut wrenching for me.

Of course, I was being ridiculous but it didn’t feel that way at the time. At the time I couldn’t understand why any parents ever let go of their precious bundles. I just needed time. Good luck OP and I hope your DD settles soon

Dermymc · 01/03/2018 21:41

It's your expectations that are out of whack, not the teacher.

I would wager a bet that some of your dds settling issues are linked to your reactions to things like this. Not directly but a slight anxiety will rub off on her and may cause her to feel uncomfortable making friends. Removing her from a class activity is going to make her seem even more different.

How do you know that your dd isn't settling well? Has the teacher told you?

TeenTimesTwo · 01/03/2018 21:51

If I were a teacher, I wouldn't want an over anxious Mum helping on a school trip. I would be concerned they were either checking up on me, or would only attend to their own child, and not the group as a whole.

Whenever I helped on school trips for my DD's class I always requested for her not to be in my group.

TeenTimesTwo · 01/03/2018 21:56

This is one way to cross a road with a class of children.

  • Lead adult stops at curb.
  • Children line up in 6s instead of the pairs they were walking on.
  • When ready to cross, two other adults walk into the road at an appropriate time, face the traffic and stop it with arms outstretched.
  • Lead adult walks across with children following and any spare adults on the outside. End teacher follows on behind.
  • The 2 adults in the road give a cheery wave to the stopped traffic as they leave the road last.
Longdistance · 01/03/2018 22:09

YABU

The way this works is, teachers and helpers walk along road. The one leading waits to cross. In my experience cars stop to let them cross. They let ALL of the 30 odd dc and teachers cross.

Ever trip is looked into safety wise by teachers. They inspect routes, the place they are going to. They don’t just decide ‘yay, let’s go out here for the day’.

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 · 01/03/2018 22:39

Oh ffs this is the first of many school trips and I'm afraid you'll just have to swallow your fears and grin and bare it.
It gets easier if that is any consolation.

greenlynx · 01/03/2018 23:57

OP, I completely understand your point. It's a big class, they are very young, the weather is terrible and they are going to cross the road with no traffic lights. In my DD's primary the consent form was always send beforehand and they were asking for parents helpers. A helper got group of children and the amount varied depending on children needs: usually 1 to 4, 1 to 2 if they needed more attention.
Could you volunteer for this particular trip? It might help both of you : your DD will feel more relaxed and you might learn to trust schol more afterwards. Do you have concerns about your DD behaviour to certain things? Have a chat with her teacher about this. They could pair her with particular sensible child/ experienced TA/ in to smaller group? Could you meet them casually by the end of the trip and walk to school? It depends on where you are, of course.
It's absolutely fine raising your concerns about roads with head or teacher, because of your job you have a special inside knowledge so you could sort of help them with risk assessment.
Leaving her at school is not a good option but you could always book a dental check up or GP appointment at the time of the trip. I would probably have a chat with head ( without mentioning trip) , think about it, then if I don't feel that this school is good place for my child - "book" this dental appointment and apply to another school. If you want her to stay you need work with them, communicate with them and learn to trust their judgement.

Woodfordhound · 02/03/2018 08:50

Although I have to say that I would question the risk assessment of any primary school thinking it was acceptable to take a class of Reception children out in this weather.
Are they really planning to do it today?

Letseatgrandma · 02/03/2018 08:56

I will be volunteering as a helper definitely if I had known about it in the first place I would have immediately

As a teacher running trips, there is no way I would want you coming to help having read your posts, and guess this teacher feels the same way (as she has asked another parent but not you!).

Your daughter is having problems fitting in but you want to exclude her and not let her go on a school trip?! I feel very sorry for her.

SmashedMug · 02/03/2018 09:11

As a teacher running trips, there is no way I would want you coming to help having read your posts, and guess this teacher feels the same way (as she has asked another parent but not you!).

You sound lovely.

OP, there are teachers out there who actually try and understand anxious parents and who will take steps to reassure you or will let you come as a parent helper. Unfortunately, you do get some who seem to actively dislike parents who ever have concerns or problems but fingers crossed yours is one of the nicer ones.

Ffsnothingworks · 02/03/2018 09:11

I work in a reception class, and the children are really, really good at pulling at the heartstrings when it comes to saying goodbye, then being completely happy all day.

I am wondering how you know that your child is playing on their own all day? If it is just your dd saying so, I would take it with a pinch of salt. Two minutes playing on their own, can feel like a lifetime to a four year old, and teachers, TAs and Midday staff will have things in place to encourage friendships at playtime.

MiaowTheCat · 02/03/2018 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeenTimesTwo · 02/03/2018 09:26

Smashed The thing is, teachers need parent helpers who will help. And help constructively with all the children not just their own. An anxious parent is far more likely than a confident parent to just focus on their own child.

If the teacher considered it was in the DCs best interests to ask the OP along to help, I'm sure they would have.

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