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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's way too early for this?

54 replies

WhatWouldStevieNicksDo · 01/03/2018 09:24

NC just in case, and will try to keep it brief without leading to drip feed.

DP and I together 18 months, living together for 6. I'm 31, no kids, and he (39) has DS10 from previous relationship, split 7 years ago.

And the short version is, he doesn't seem to want any meaningful physical contact with me. He's very loving in so many other ways, but I'm always the one to initiate a hug, for example (although to be honest I've given up now). I can't remember the last time he kissed me (other than a forehead kiss on his way out the door) and if I ever try to kiss him on the lips, he'll give me his cheek.

We have sex about once every 2 weeks - usually initiated by him because there's no way I'm going to try and initiate sex with someone who won't even kiss me. When we go to bed he immediately has his back turned to me because he sleeps on his left side - no spooning, no snuggles... and in the mornings he'll greet me by sort of brushing his hand across my shoulder.

I thought maybe he just wasn't a physical person (thinking Love Languages, maybe physical contact was low) but then I watch him and DSS and he's like a f*$#ing barnacle with his son, constantly with one hand on him, rubbing his back, pulling his legs up onto his on the couch, stroking his hair...

It's been like this for a while now – what's weird is that when we first got together he seemed super-sexed - lots of naughty texting and pictures etc. But as soon as we were 'together' together, it all disappeared. We never talk about sex, so it feels particularly scary to bring all this up with him, but I'm honestly going a bit nuts.

I don't want to have to ask him to be affectionate with me – I want him to want to be.

I've never known so little physicality in a relationship, and I can't figure it out. Is it me? Am I just not attractive to him? And how in the world do I bring this stuff up with him without sounding whiny?

Or should I not - is this just never going to work?

OP posts:
ScreamingLevitation · 01/03/2018 09:33

If the sex/intimacy has gone to shit 18 months in then I'd be tempted to cut my losses.

You don't feel able to talk about it. You aren't happy. You'll end up either dumping him, cheating on him, or just being miserable for the rest of your lives together.

Idontdowindows · 01/03/2018 09:35

After 18 months? Not worth it, sorry. Especially if he dropped the affection the moment he had you locked in.

No kids, so cut your losses and find someone compatible!

KC225 · 01/03/2018 09:48

Why his previous relationship end?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 01/03/2018 09:51

I'd cut my losses, too. You won't even get a kiss on the cheek in a few years' time.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/03/2018 09:52

Don’t analyse the fuck out of it, you won’t change it. Leave. It will NOT get better.

I know it seems like a longtime & you have dreams for the future, but 18 months is a blip in a lifetime. Cut your losses and don’t look back.

Original poster
WhatWouldStevieNicksDo · 01/03/2018 10:06

Wow, pretty unanimous, then...

Not even worth raising it with him? Just leave?

KC225 - he and DS's mum split when she cheated on him.

OP posts:
natureshaped · 01/03/2018 10:12

Yep sorry it's a leave and don't look back situation. As you say- you want him to want to, if he only shows you affection when you ask he clearly doesn't want to and you will know that. It will always be in the back of your mind

ScreamingLevitation · 01/03/2018 10:14

Normally I'd be all for talk it out, talk it over... Long term relationships simply require good communication skills.

But it sounds like this guy has never been physically affectionate with you (you describe lots of sex early on, not lots of cuddling etc). It almost sounds like he doesnt know how to be affectionate with a woman. And he isn't someone you feel you can talk to. I don't know - maybe it's you who needs to learn how to open her mouth and say "I love you and I want this relationship to work, but I am not happy because there is no physical affection and it makes me feel lonely, which is ridiculous when I'm lying in bed with the man I love, so what's going on? Is there a way that you can change it, or do you just not feel that way about me?" Or maybe it's him, and you'd be better off with someone else, or single.

NotTellingYouThat · 01/03/2018 10:14

I would try and raise it with him, just so I can say I at least tried. But I wouldn't wait around if it didn't change. Life is too short to feel how you are feeling.

Idontdowindows · 01/03/2018 10:15

he and DS's mum split when she cheated on him.

Gosh. I wonder why she cheated on him....

mimibunz · 01/03/2018 10:15

It you truly care for this man, then try to have a conversation. I'm at a point in my life where I'm not highly-sexed at all. I'm completely in love with my DH, and him with me, but sex is not and has never been a high priority for me in our relationship. I would hope that he would discuss with me before dumping me over it.

MrsElvis · 01/03/2018 10:17

Yes raise it so if it doesn't work at least you know you tried everything

Original poster
WhatWouldStevieNicksDo · 01/03/2018 10:22

I don't know - maybe it's you who needs to learn how to open her mouth

Screaming, this definitely landed with me – I'm not great at asking for what I need in general, and when the stakes feel high (like in a relationship that matters to me), I get even more hesitant about it.

I imagine bringing it up with him and I get this knotty tight feeling right under my ribcage – I'm scared of making things uncomfortable between us (especially since we both work from home so we're together a LOT. When things get uncomfortable they feel really potent!)

Any advice on how / when to bring it up gently but meaningfully?

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/03/2018 10:22

he and DS's mum split when she cheated on him

...I can’t think why she might have done that...

Of course she was wrong to cheat on him, she should have left first and then met someone new, but she had a small child and I can see how some affection from another man was hard to resist.

Don’t get yourself into the situation he was in.

YES, it’s a JUST LEAVE situation.

Minibunz. Your situation is nothing like the op’s. You need to see what you can do about your ‘not highly sexed state’, go and see your GP etc. It’s unfair to expect a spouse to live in a sexless marriage if you’re not at least trying to sort it out.

ScreamingLevitation · 01/03/2018 10:25

I'm scared of making things uncomfortable between us

They already are.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/03/2018 10:27

IMO you can’t ‘talk this out’. You can’t make someone something they’re not. Yes, you could ask/demand/teach/train him into kissing you or holding your hand or whatever, but you’d always ways know it wasn’t coming naturally from his desire to kiss you, touch you, be close to you. Why would you choose to live the rest of your life this way?

bittern79 · 01/03/2018 10:31

You should be able to talk to the person you're living with! Write him a letter if you don't want to talk to him. But if he's playful and physical with his ds, then he obviously CAN be. I have no idea why he's not with you. You'll have to talk to him...

But you're only 18 months in. This is still your honeymoon period.... It really shouldn't be that hard. You're not happy. Talk to him then cut your losses.

Don't hang around being miserable and not having your needs met for ever.

Zaphodsotherhead · 01/03/2018 10:31

My OH is like this. Cuddles his dog, lots of pats and strokes and hugs. Me? He won't touch unless it's for sex. And I TOLD him when we got together, that was one of the reasons a previous marriage failed, because there was no physical contact except for sex, he agreed that was wrong.

I've tried raising it, and he just can't see it. CANNOT.

Cut your losses. Talking about it will help for five minutes, then he will slip back, because it's how he is.

expatinscotland · 01/03/2018 10:34

'Wow, pretty unanimous, then...

Not even worth raising it with him? Just leave?'

Yep. You're already chasing your own tail here. If you have to ask someone to be affectionate with you, you're fundamentally incompatible. No amount of chats are going to change this. He is telling you who he is. It's up to you to listen. It's not that he's not capable, he is with his son, but he's not with you. Again, when people tell you who they are, listen.

Move out/find another place to live. Then tell him it's not working for yo and bail.

Sounds like a dead in the water relationship.

You deserve someone who's into you.

TheNoodlesIncident · 01/03/2018 10:35

Surely if OP mentions it, it will be the scenario OP dreads - getting the physical affection ONLY because she has asked for it, not because DP wants to supply it? I would worry that he had only stepped it up because she brought up the subject. In which case, it might just taper off again, as it doesn't come naturally.

It's like getting a fabulous birthday surprise - great if your partner arranged it because they wanted to make you happy, less so if they only did it because you hinted you wanted something...

TonTonMacoute · 01/03/2018 10:35

It sounds more like some sort of bizarre punishment than a relationship, to be honest.

You have to have it out with him, and if he won’t (or can’t) change his behaviour then you need to end it. Either that, or go on feeling rejected and unhappy.

Original poster
WhatWouldStevieNicksDo · 01/03/2018 10:37

But if he's playful and physical with his ds, then he obviously CAN be.

Yep, that's what confuses me. It's not like he's not affectionate with people he loves. It's rough because I sometimes find myself feeling jealous of his DS, which is a horrible feeling!

On weekends when DS is here they'll be curled up together on the couch and I'll be at the other end of the sofa on my own - sometimes I have to leave the room because I'm just overwhelmed by it.

OP posts:
bittern79 · 01/03/2018 10:42

So you HAVE to talk to him about it! Surely he can't think he's behaving normally??

upsideup · 01/03/2018 10:47

Do you ever do these things to him? You say you never initiate sex, Never? Maybe he feels like you dont want to do it with him, having to be the one to always do it? Do you try and kiss and cuddle him, Or do you just expect him to do it all the time?
People are being really harsh advising you to just get out, if you care about him then you need to talk to him, he may feel the same way as you or he might just be a slightly less physical person but be willing to change for you if you tell him how you feel.

GottadoitGottadoit · 01/03/2018 10:49

So, is there any chance that he wants to be affectionate with you and for some reason has a block about it? Cos that’s the only way it can change in any meaningful way. If he doesn’t actually want to be affectionate with you then you’re on a hiding to nothing, and yes. You will bend up cheating or leaving him anyway, so cut your losses.

Don’t worry about making things uncomfortable. I’m afraid whether you talk about this or not, if you’re leaving they’ll get uncomfortable for a bit anyway.

It’s the sort of thing to bring up on neutral territory IMO, maybe go out for. a meal. That way, you’re sat facing each other and unlike talking at home he can’t avoid you.

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