to think it's way too early for this?

[WhatWouldStevieNicksDo]

NC just in case, and will try to keep it brief without leading to drip feed.

DP and I together 18 months, living together for 6. I'm 31, no kids, and he (39) has DS10 from previous relationship, split 7 years ago.

And the short version is, he doesn't seem to want any meaningful physical contact with me. He's very loving in so many other ways, but I'm always the one to initiate a hug, for example (although to be honest I've given up now). I can't remember the last time he kissed me (other than a forehead kiss on his way out the door) and if I ever try to kiss him on the lips, he'll give me his cheek.

We have sex about once every 2 weeks - usually initiated by him because there's no way I'm going to try and initiate sex with someone who won't even kiss me. When we go to bed he immediately has his back turned to me because he sleeps on his left side - no spooning, no snuggles... and in the mornings he'll greet me by sort of brushing his hand across my shoulder.

I thought maybe he just wasn't a physical person (thinking Love Languages, maybe physical contact was low) but then I watch him and DSS and he's like a f*$#ing barnacle with his son, constantly with one hand on him, rubbing his back, pulling his legs up onto his on the couch, stroking his hair...

It's been like this for a while now – what's weird is that when we first got together he seemed super-sexed - lots of naughty texting and pictures etc. But as soon as we were 'together' together, it all disappeared. We never talk about sex, so it feels particularly scary to bring all this up with him, but I'm honestly going a bit nuts.

I don't want to have to ask him to be affectionate with me – I want him to want to be.

I've never known so little physicality in a relationship, and I can't figure it out. Is it me? Am I just not attractive to him? And how in the world do I bring this stuff up with him without sounding whiny?

Or should I not - is this just never going to work?

Sorry I see in your OP that you said you do (or did) initiate physical contact with him, I still think you need to try talking to him about this though, dont just walk away.

I agree with everyone else, it's only 18 months, that should still be the honeymoon period. If he is so physically distant now it is not a good sign. I think most relationships become less intensely physical over time and so starting from such a low level does not bode well for the future.

Either he is not a physical person or he is just not that into you. Whichever it is, talking is unlikely to change it. You could stay and just accept him as he is but I would be concerned about the long term impact this could have on you. You would probably become increasingly isolated, lonely and frustrated until you just couldn't stand it any longer or worse still, just settled for that life.

You are still young. You haven't spent a lifetime building a history with this man so you don't have to accept it as part of the aging process or settle. You have plenty of time to start again with someone with whom you are more in synch with physically.

If you do decide to communicate, put it in terms of asking him to be more affectionate. If you say " why don't you " or " you never " he might get defensive, which will make it bigger than it needs to be.

So, is there any chance that he wants to be affectionate with you and for some reason has a block about it? Cos that’s the only way it can change in any meaningful way. If he doesn’t actually want to be affectionate with you then you’re on a hiding to nothing.

This is the thing, GottaDoIt - I don't know which it is, so it feels like I at least need to try to talk to him about it.

I've wondered if maybe it's just that we're together so much (both working from home, I only moved to this area 6 months ago when I moved in with him so I'm still finding my feet), the mystery and excitement is gone for him? I used to be constantly up to stuff, busy, with friends, and since I moved I'm spending much more time at home because I haven't found my feet yet. Maybe I've got boring... or maybe I'm trying to blame myself because at least I'm 'fixable' and it gives me some hope? I don't know...

Of course you should talk about it and not start packing your bags if you haven't even mention the issues troubling you. Maybe his ex didn't like affection and he simply doesn't realise? You can always leave later.

No I don’t think it’s that you’re together too much. Being together too much doesn’t make someone turn away from a kiss.

And the fact that’s you’re blaming yourself just shows how this relationship will go if this doesn’t get resolved.

I think it's pretty harsh to tell someone to "just leave" as if it's that easy....

Op I think you should talk to him, I really do.

My dp was a lot like this. He didn't realise how much it affected me until I spoke to him. He's not much of a "talker" and I am.

I will be straight with you, things aren't great, I often do wonder if things are forced, ours was more of a sex issue though.

Actions speak louder than words.
Never a truer phrase.

Give it a bit of time, talk to him, then you will know where you stand once and for all and if you do decide to leave then you will know that you tried your hardest to salvage the relationship.

I'm presuming as you moved away that you have sacrificed a lot. Be sure what you really want before giving up.

If you talk to him and he ‘makes a effort’ to be intimate, how long do you think that will last? Months, years. Eventually he’ll stop making the effort and by that stage you could have children and feel stuck with him.

I've wondered if maybe it's just that we're together so much

Myself and himself have been together for 30 years, both retired and around each other more than we thought humanly possible and we shag more than you do.

Communicate! Bring it up with him what he likes in bed, or what you like! IT's the most important thing, if nothing changes after this then consider do you want to be left in a relationship that makes you feel unloved and insecure - which the answer is probably no!

You def need to talk to him about it and explain how you feel

I'm presuming as you moved away that you have sacrificed a lot.

Ooft. Just had some tears spring to my eyes.

Yup. And for some reasons too 'outing' to share, there's no 'back' to go to. So the thought of ending this relationship feels pretty big right now.

Was the whole thing a bit of whirlwind romance that has now petered out? Was it pretty intense early on?

As you've said, if you have to ask someone to act like they're 'into' you then it's finished. On the other hand; say you did talk to him about how you're feeling - what happens if he changes for a few weeks then goes back to shunning you?

VladmirsPoutine I guess at that point I'd at least feel like I'd tried.

I really do love him - he's the most wonderful man. I don't think it's as conscious as 'shunning', necessarily. It's just hard to read what's going on from the inside with all these emotions swirling about.

This is what is known as 'walking on egg-shells' - trying to not upset the situation. Do you know how much of a mind fuck that is? Presumably you do otherwise you wouldn't be posting. But if you need to know one way or the other then have a talk.

The only thing is be prepared to leave at some point. I don't doubt that he might act like a love stuck teen for about 3/4 weeks but then you'll be just back here again, this time with heart-break.

You can't throw your entire lot with someone like this for life. Many relationships go through ups and downs but this doesn't sound like it's a down. It sounds incompatible. But I don't know that, none of us do.

If for peace of mind of wanting to know that you tried then do so, but you must at some point be willing and ready to drop him and walk away from it all.

Talk to him. Tell him you need more affection in the relationship and see how he reacts. There's obviously something going on his mind as he shows affection with his son.

I wonder if it's something to do with his ex wife cheating on him?

At least try to get to the bottom of it before packing your bags.

I'm in a similar situation only in a way worse because we've been married ten years, have two children and haven't had sex for four years.

I sat my husband down. Talked to him. Told him that I couldn't carry on. He assured me he loves me but I said I don't see it, don't feel it and need change.

He used to be affectionate but we've had some heavy stuff happen and life got in the way.

He's improved slightly and is trying but we are so out of the habit now.

The thing that hit home for him was me saying I no longer even wanted sex with him because I feel so unloved and that he needs to woo me all over again.

Only you can decide if your relationship has a future. Don't stay out of fear but don't leave in haste either.

I did ask a similar question about my OH back along. He pulls away if I try to hold his hand and physically recoiled when I went to kiss him. I challenged him and he didn't even realise he was doing it.

He didn't improve. The advice was unanimously to leave him. But, as I don't live with him, I kept up the relationship but pulled back a significant degree. He's now more of a FWB than a partner. He still doesn't realise. And he still cuddles the dog and won't even sit next to me to watch TV.

You can't fix it, OP. It's not who he is. Tactile relationships are for children and animals, not partners, apparently.

My DH isn't a romantic but he is very loving. My exP wasn't loving or affectionate towards me. I'm embarrassed to say I cheated on him. And whilst I deeply regret being unfaithful, I am glad we separated because I simply did not get what I needed from the relationship.

Get a golden retriever and you'll have all the snuggles and affection you can handle. Some people just aren't "huggy" types.

I had a period in my life where I got annoyed when DH was affectionate. Kids small, climbing all over me and I was simply touched out, so DH trying to snuggle too was just too much. I am very happy he didn't 'just leave' as advised here.

G500 but presumably, in the period before you had kids you'd both been physically affectionate? So he knew you were capable of it, just 'off' it for a bit?

We are talking about men who NEVER touch unless sex is on the cards.

We are talking about men who NEVER touch unless sex is on the cards.

Just to be clear, it's not 'never', with DP - it's just very rare he'll initiate and when he does it's very much like the kind of hug / kiss he'd give his mum. Quick, perfunctory. And if I try to turn it into something more meaningful, he doesn't respond. Very different to how he is with his son, where it's clear he really wants to show affection.

Sorry WhatWould I think I might have been projecting a touch! My OH will kiss on leaving, but with bodies so far apart that our lips just about meet. He'll have sex. But no cuddles afterwards, just leaping out to clean up (he's an obsessive clean freak). So I think I might have transposed your situation onto mine.

Zaphodsotherhead it's ok - your description there isn't far off!

I guess I'm just a bit wary of the word 'never', as I know there are people out there with much more extreme situations than mine...