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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think that my mums ring should be mine?

78 replies

Jjoarich234 · 26/02/2018 14:35

My mum passed away after a short illness when I was 14.
I’m now 32.
Last time my Aunty visited (from Australia)
She showed me a ring she was wearing and said “remember this it was your mums”
It was my mums wedding ring from my dad,it’s not worth anything but just sentimental.
Aibu to think that ring should have been mine?
It’s too late to say anything now but it makes me sad.
As soon as I seen the ring it brought memories of my mum flooding back.
Obviously I was 14 and didn’t even think about the ring,not that I got the chance as my Aunt went through her belongings.

OP posts:
ShowMeTheElf · 26/02/2018 14:38

Next time you see her just ask if you can have it when she doesn't want it any more. It will then come to you in due course.
Would you be wearing it if it had become yours when you were 14 or would it be sitting in a box somewhere?

Wetwashing00 · 26/02/2018 14:38

Did your mum leave you anything?
Could you dad maybe ask her if she would pass it to you?

Original poster
Jjoarich234 · 26/02/2018 14:40

No nothing.
Mum didn’t have a will and wasn’t really anything to leave.
I have a old outfit of hers that she always liked to wear on a weekend night out.

OP posts:
DietCokeGirrrrrl · 26/02/2018 14:41

Did your mum leave it to your aunt in her will? If so then I don't think you should be upset, as your mum's wishes were honoured.

To be honest, I would be happy knowing that someone who had loved and cherished my mum had had years of pleasure from a piece of her jewellery. I totally understand you feeling bittersweet about the memories, but I would try to focus on the positive aspect of how nice it is for your aunt to have something to remember her sister by.

DietCokeGirrrrrl · 26/02/2018 14:41

(Sorry, cross posted)

Trinity66 · 26/02/2018 14:43

I would do what ShowMeTheElf suggested, your aunt may just decide to give it to you there and then but if not maybe she would will it you atleast?

HollyBayTree · 26/02/2018 14:45

It's a bit muddled - if she took your mums wedding ring, your dad must have given her permission, unless they were parted? In which case who gave her permission to go through your mums things?

If you feel able to ask for it, then do bring it up, but if it was given in good faith to your aunt, you cant really ask for a gift back.

Clawdy · 26/02/2018 14:45

You are right, it should be yours, it's not just a piece of costume jewellery, it's special. As said above, if you are able to, see if your dad could sort it. Failing that, I would say to her "Would it be possible for me to have Mum' s ring? It would be so lovely to have something she had worn......."

OlennasWimple · 26/02/2018 14:46

Your aunty was your mum's sister, presumably? In which case, I can understand why she also wanted a keepsake when your mum died. She probably only thought of you as a 14 yo who wouldn't be interested in a wedding ring, not as the adult you would become to whom that stuff could be important.

If you feel that strongly about it, you should speak to your aunty and ask her for the ring (or maybe for any other jewelry / small items that she might still have?)

Flowers
mirime · 26/02/2018 14:49

@HollyBayTree

If you feel able to ask for it, then do bring it up, but if it was given in good faith to your aunt, you cant really ask for a gift back.

Though it wouldn't be unreasonable to mention that you would like it one day. If I was the Aunt I'd give the OP the ring immediately if she did that. But then I'd probably have offered it to her when she turned 18.

Original poster
Jjoarich234 · 26/02/2018 14:50

My mum and dad split when I was 11/12 but mum kept the ring and just wore the ring on another finger.
When my mum died my gran and Aunt took charge of funeral etc.
I didn’t get a look in with anything,to see what I wanted to keep of hers.
Just made me sad my aunt seen my mum once every few years yet got to decide what she wanted.

OP posts:
Roseandmabelshouse · 26/02/2018 14:52

There is no shame in asking. If you don't she might just hand it on to someone else who has no connection to your mum.

I have some Jewelly I would like my children to have. You have made me think about writing down these wishes.

Clawdy · 26/02/2018 14:53

Jjoarich there is no question, that ring should be yours.

DietCokeGirrrrrl · 26/02/2018 14:54

It's a real shame your mum didn't have a will, it's such an important thing to do to avoid sadnesses like this. Hope you're ok OP and that there is a happy ending here - maybe your aunt will leave it to you or gift it to you one day?

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2018 14:55

As there was no will, all belongings should have gone to the closest family member, which is you. Your aunt is a bitch and stole the ring.

dreamingalwaysdreaming · 26/02/2018 14:56

there's no moral question that it should be yours, I'm not sure what your Auntie was thinking except that perhaps you were too young for it then and she wanted something to remember you mum by, but long experience has taught me that if you ask, and it's not coughed up with goodwill, to leave it there.

You can't particularly hold onto people with things, sometimes it helps as a trigger to memory but there are other ways to do that too.

MrsElvis · 26/02/2018 14:56

You should definitely have the ring! From your dad to your mother, you're the absolute best person to have received this ring. I'd ask for it now, doesn't matter how long it's been. Someone should have been thinking of you

InvisibleUnicorn · 26/02/2018 14:57

That's sad.

My mother left me her mother's ring (both died very young). My teenage daughter wears it rather than me as it's tiny. It's of huge sentimental value and I would have been extremely upset if anyone else had taken it.

Original poster
Jjoarich234 · 26/02/2018 14:58

My aunt 100% wouldn’t give me it now anyway.
I feel awkward even mentioning it.
If anything it’s made me want to write a will for myself.

OP posts:
MidnightVelvetthe7th · 26/02/2018 14:59

This is more about you being excluded from the aftermath of your mum's death. Your aunt sorted her belongings, your aunt & gran took charge of the funeral. It seems as though nobody consulted you or thought to ask you what you wanted & now you are resentful & the focus of it is the ring.

If you have the relationship with your aunt that allows it, maybe ask her why you were excluded from the practicalities of the aftermath & not allowed to have a choice of anything to keep for yourself.

Do you know your mum's favourite gemstone, maybe buy yourself a ring in remembrance of her.

Trinity66 · 26/02/2018 15:01

My aunt 100% wouldn’t give me it now anyway.
I feel awkward even mentioning it.
If anything it’s made me want to write a will for myself.

Why do you think she wouldn't? It's a pity, it should have been kept for you really. Is your GM still alive? If so could you talk to her and see if she'd speak to your aunt about it?

Original poster
Jjoarich234 · 26/02/2018 15:02

I hold a lot of anger regarding my mums death etc.
Wasn’t told she was dying,my aunt and gran said she was going to be ok (even tho now I know she was brought home to die)
I regret not spending more time with her

OP posts:
KC225 · 26/02/2018 15:03

Is your Grandmother still alive? Is there anyway, she can approach your Aunt to ask her to return the ring to you - now you are of an age where you would appreciate and cherish something precious to your Mum. It may be easier if another relative does it

Original poster
Jjoarich234 · 26/02/2018 15:04

Gran is alive but she has late stage dementia

OP posts:
brieandcrackers · 26/02/2018 15:05

Agree the ring should be yours but understand it's a tricky situation.

Is there any way you could suggest she leaves it to you in her will? That way she may not view it as you taking it off her but it going to a loving home after she's gone (save it going to any children/relatives she has who may see it as just another piece of jewellery).