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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think that my mums ring should be mine?

78 replies

Jjoarich234 · 26/02/2018 14:35

My mum passed away after a short illness when I was 14.
I’m now 32.
Last time my Aunty visited (from Australia)
She showed me a ring she was wearing and said “remember this it was your mums”
It was my mums wedding ring from my dad,it’s not worth anything but just sentimental.
Aibu to think that ring should have been mine?
It’s too late to say anything now but it makes me sad.
As soon as I seen the ring it brought memories of my mum flooding back.
Obviously I was 14 and didn’t even think about the ring,not that I got the chance as my Aunt went through her belongings.

OP posts:
MyRelationshipIsWeird · 26/02/2018 15:56

I agree it should be yours but after all this time it’s a tricky one. The ideas here are good, about asking her to leave it to you.

I have my mum’s engagement ring but I passed onto my aunty some of the things I knew I wouldn’t wear or pass on, as she is much more sentimental than I am. She also got a non-valuable ring that I remember my mum wearing a lot in the 70s/80s but I’m sure she will leave it all for me, presuming she goes first!

Lucked · 26/02/2018 15:58

And for what it’s worth they were very wrong not to tell you it had taken it, you were practically a young women not a young child.

Guest1987 · 26/02/2018 15:59

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I lost my gran recently and found out she had always intended on giving me her rings, but my aunt attempted to keep them for herself until another aunt told her to let her be buried with them.

Whilst I'm happy my gran was buried with them, I never got a say and didnt find out until a few hours after the ceremony, and we actually had fond memories chatting about our wedding rings together.

You're right, if anything, it makes you consider writing your own will.

CoffeeOrSleep · 26/02/2018 16:00

It's not right that you don't have it. IF you dont think she'll give it to you now, do you think you can get her to agree to make sure you get it when she dies?

Send her an email saying that you would are particularly missing your mum at the moment (do you have DCs? Mention how sad you feel she didnt get to see you be a mother and meet your kids etc), and wondered about her wedding ring your father gave her (make sure you describe it as the wedding ring you father gave her, reinforce that it's not just a piece of jewellry your mum liked). Say that while you won't ask her to give it up if she's still wearing it to remind herself of her sister, will she make sure it's written in her will to come to you, or if she decides to stop wearing it, give it to you rather than someone who didn't know your Mum.

I might even go as far as to put something like if you had been a few years older, then it would have been you sorting out her things and funeral, so would have always worn it - but only you will know if your Aunt will react badly to that.

mollied · 26/02/2018 16:00

This honestly makes me a little sad reading this. I would tell your aunt how it makes you feel that she has it and you didn't get anything of your mums. I my mums only daughter and I know that if that situation had happened to me I would have got to keep what I wanted of my mums my aunt wouldn't have taken it for herself.

fantasmasgoria1 · 26/02/2018 16:02

Definitely the ring should be yours.

dreamingalwaysdreaming · 26/02/2018 16:07

it makes me sad but more because op needs more counselling, rather than it being about the actual item - I suppose it'd be nice if one of my DC wants my wedding ring, it's not valuable, it's worn now, it was bought when we were skint, but at the same time I'd rather they remembered me, happy times, fun times, anecdotes, the memories are what matter.

Stuff really is just stuff - yes your aunt is at best, not thinking straight, but you need to put energy into your life, into moving forward and being happy, that's surely what any mum would want?

You have my sympathies op, it's so hard to be without a mum throughout life.

logicalmum · 26/02/2018 16:11

Strange that your aunt made a thing about showing you the ring. Why do that. If i was the aunt i'd have said, "remember this, it was your mums but i think you should have it." How bloody insensitive, you lost your mum at 14 for goodness sake.

Dungeondragon15 · 26/02/2018 16:14

I'm really sorry this has happened. I think that as you were your mother's next of kin it should have gone to you, but I doubt your aunt or grandmother appreciated that. You could ask for it back as she had no right to take it but it depends on whether you want a row. It is possible your mother told her she could have it.

notsusan · 26/02/2018 16:21

there is no question that the ring should be yours, op.

I had an aunt that behaved in a similarly controlling way when my dad died (sequestering all his possessions, trying to decide what my half- siblings and I could have, writing the list of 'speakers' at his funeral without including me etc etc)

A year or so after he died I told her quite calmly and rationally how angry all that made me and how unfair she'd been - how would she feel had it been her mother/ father? She did apologise.

If I'm completely honest, I still hold it against my aunt and it will always colour the way I think of her, but I felt SO much better for having told her how her actions had affected me.

I think you should do the same.

Dungeondragon15 · 26/02/2018 16:28

I think that you should speak to your aunt OP and see if your mother did tell her to have the ring. It seems a bit unlikely though if you didn't get anything. At least she will know that you think her actions were wrong. Perhaps now that time has passed she will be more reasonable and hand it over.

BadTasteFlump · 26/02/2018 16:35

I feel for you Op - I also lost a parent at a young age and don't really have anything of theirs to remember them by due to various crappy reasons.

I understand it's a hard subject to bring up with your Aunt, particularly if you don't have a great relationship with her, but would it be easier to write her a letter? Just to say that you have always felt sad that you have nothing personal to remember your mum by - and that ring is really important to you, so would she consider passing it on to you.

She may say no but then at least you know you tried Flowers

Clawdy · 26/02/2018 16:52

Did someone say it's not fair to begrudge her the ring? I'd say it is very fair. I love my sister and would treasure some thing she owned but I would not dream of keeping her wedding ring instead of giving it to her daughter.

bimbobaggins · 26/02/2018 16:53

Are you certain that your mum never gave the ring to her sister.?
If not then why don’t you ask for it back you can approach it sensitively that it would have sentimental value to you.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 26/02/2018 17:00

How sad Op...my mum and dad died when i was 26...i have my mums eternity ring and wear it all the time....we buried my mum and dad with their wedding rings on...so i got the eternity ring and my sister got mums engagement ring..

moreginrequired · 26/02/2018 21:20

The fact that your aunt is in Australia hopefully lends itself to being able to write or email her to talk about your mums possessions in a way that you can check/rewrite etc to make sure that your wording us kind and not confrontational so that hopefully you can get a positive outcome: a better version of something like this ...

Dear Auntie,

Seeing you when you were home was lovely, it has been such a long time. It brought to light so many memories of mum that I had hidden away and tried not to think about, it seemed bittersweet. I know so little of what went on about when she died and so little of my mum, I would love if you could tell me some more of who and what she was as a person, not just as my mum.

I was also wondering do you have anything else that was mum's any paperwork/letters or photos? Id love to know some more.

I also wanted to ask if you might consider leaving me my mothers wedding ring in your will. I hadnt thought about her wearing it until I saw you but it would be something comforting and sentimental (which I am sure it is to you too) that I would really like to have at some point as it was mums.

All my best

Jjoarich

Whatshallidonowpeople · 26/02/2018 21:31

As there was no will, all belongings should have gone to the closest family member, which is you. Your aunt is a bitch and stole the ring.

It would go to her husband. Perhaps he gave it to the aunt

Mammalamb · 26/02/2018 21:50

All these folk saying “ask politely” and hinting and asking for it to be left in the aunties will. Really??? How would you feel if it was your mothers ring? Your aunts had no right to it. I would ask her for it and tell her that she had no right to it in the first place.

Bluelady · 26/02/2018 21:58

I'd be gutted if someone else had my mum's wedding ring and am genuinely shocked your aunt hasn't given it to you. It's yours by right.

stoplickingthetelly · 26/02/2018 22:04

It should definitely be yours. My nan died when I was only a few weeks old. My grandad kept her ring for years then passed it on to my mum. My mum saved it for me and it's now my wedding ring. My grandad and mum were both so pleased that I wanted it. It feels more special than just buying a ring from a shop. Even though I didn't know my nan it has real sentimental value and I feel honoured to have inherited it. Think you should speak to your aunt and explain how you feel.

cherish123 · 26/02/2018 22:06

Strange your dad did not keep it for you. It should have been yours but probably too late to get it back.

ChasedByBees · 26/02/2018 22:08

I would ask for it back now. It’s very sad that she didn’t give it to you straight away.

mimibunz · 26/02/2018 22:11

Absolutely no shame in asking and hopefully she will understand. This happened to me when my SIL wanted her DD to have my mum’s ring.

Dungeondragon15 · 27/02/2018 08:47

All these folk saying “ask politely” and hinting and asking for it to be left in the aunties will. Really??? How would you feel if it was your mothers ring? Your aunts had no right to it. I would ask her for it and tell her that she had no right to it in the first place.

In reality it will be impossible to get it off the Aunt if she doesn't want to hand it over considering that she is on the other side of the country. I think it worth asking nicely as she may be more reasonable than she obviously was when OP's mother died and will hand it over. She might even have pointed if out to OP in the first place because she feels a bit guilty and wants to see what OP thinks.

Dungeondragon15 · 27/02/2018 08:47

country world!

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