To ask how you know its safe to let your child go to friends houses

[bobstersmum]

Ds is 5 and in reception. He has been asking about having a few of his friends over for tea (one at a time) I have not made any plans yet but got to thinking if he was invited to another friends house, how would I know it was safe there? As only early days getting to know other parents and its only brief conversations at that. One of his close friends have a huge boisterous dog of the bull terrier variety so for me that's a no already, but aside from that, am I being over protective? How do you know, I can demand to know who lives there and inspect the house can I? I really want my little boy to make some good friends but am aware if I ask his friends over they may do the same and I will be in the position of having to decide if I'm going to let him?
For the record I mean safe in every aspect, safe from harm, safe from abuse, everything really!

Well, you'll be dropping him off, won't you? And spotting any giant gaping holes in the floor? You'll have observed whether the friend looks neglected and harmed or not at school? Why would you assume that the home of a child who makes it to school every day looking ok would pose some kind of massive threat to your child? Why do you think you can spot abusers on sight? Why don't you just plan to stay with your child the first time if you're really so worried?

Short answer, yes, you are being overprotective.

You can't really know it is safe to be honest. If you think about it, anything could happen but it's unlikely that anything would. You have to weigh up pros and cons and think realistically. I was nervous the first time I let my DS go to a sleepover but he enjoyed it and liked having a bit of freedom from me.
At five though he's still young so if you're going to worry too much then it might be better to just say no until another time.

You are not going to know though. But you can't go through life like that. Only way is to get to know the parents if you're worried.

Invite their dc to yours and offer to drop them afterwards. You'll get a general 'feel' for the parents and the child homelife which is the best you can do really.

Be glad you don't live in USA where you have to ask if they have guns...are they locked up... is the ammo stored separately...

You can become the mom who invites all the others over. ime, very few parents try to reciprocate so it's not hard to avoid if you prefer to be the host.

Invite the children to your house first and ask their DP/DA (adult not duck's arse) to come along for a chat and a cuppa.
Then you can interrogate/check they're cleared to work with children/Google them get a feel for who they are prior to the invite being reciprocated.

Visit family with you first until you feel confident. He is too young to go alone. You cannot know unless you have got to know the family first

How will other parents know that your house is safe?

Are you quite an anxious person generally?

You don't.

The best you can do is go with him the first time and/or try to get a feel for what the house/family is like.

Entrusting your children to the care of others is a tough part of parenting, but one you will have to deal with eventually. IME, there will always be a degree of niggling doubt, however old they are. However many times I arrange lift-shares with other people to get them to activities, send them on sleepovers, send them on trips with the school, let them meet up or go into town with their friends (mine are almost teenagers), there is always that 'what if ... what if ... what if...' feeling until they are home again.

At 5 I would only do a drop off if I’d been to the house myself or knew the parent really well already. As a consequence, and given presence of DC2, I ended up hosting a lot. Couldn’t be bothered with all that. Plus, easier to keep an eye on shenanigans (if which there were many) in my own home.

Just go with him the first time or so and befriend his friend's mum, get to know them a bit...

It will be fine. It is hard.

You don't.

(but most people are nice)

" most people are nice"

no Beyond they are not, trust me.

Get to know them a bit and ask them for a coffee/ tea. You will get an idea. If he gets invited to somewhere you have no knowledge of it’s quite difficult. My ds went to a school friend’s birthday party and it sounded horrendous, almost completely unsupervised and potentially unsafe. I was more careful after that.

Haha yes reading my post I do sound like an overprotective freak! I am quite an anxious person yes. I think I'm looking for reassurance that it's OK to let him go hypothetically really!

my children went round to someone's house and there was a dead rat under the carpet...:)

You can’t know for sure but if you stay for a bit the first time you’ll be able to get a some info about who’s there and what the house looks like and chat to the parent/s.
Other than that just make sure that your child knows how to keep themselves safe and what is and isn’t ok.

"no Beyond they are not, trust me"

Nope - I will go through life with the view that most people ARE nice.

(I'm 53, and they have been on the whole)

I will not teach my children to live their lives in fear.

Ds is only four but I'm going to all of his play dates with him still. And he won't go to play dates until I've hung out at their house for a while.

We live in the States. People have a different attitude towards dog safety where we live and I need to know for myself that there are either no guns in the house or that they are properly secured, I'm not taking someone's word for it.

@DullAndOld
Most people are nice, they really are. If that's not your experience, I'd really examine your life. And I mean that sincerely.

Trailed I don't need to examine my life thank you.
No, most people are not 'nice' (whatever that anodyne word means) they are just good at pretending.

You aren't an overprotective freak! I don't let my DC's ride in other people's cars unless I know them well and I know there is a proper car seat for them, and I don't let them visit houses until I know the parents reasonably well. If I've not been to the house before I would always drop DC off so I can see where they will be. I think it's perfectly within the realms of common sense to worry about dogs, and guns (Christ on a plane, Electric!).

I think it's useful to spend as much time as you can getting to know the other parents at school - chat in the playground, go to school events. You can always be the one to host and invite the parent for a cuppa, or at that age if your child is invited to a new house, it is perfectly acceptable to ask if you can pop in too as dc might be a bit nervous first time (it quickly gets less acceptable, so seize the opportunity now). Also, accept all the party invitations you can - at 5 a lot of parents stay so you can get to know them and also get to know the kids a bit. On the whole though, remember that your child having friends is a really good thing and the vast majority of people are lovely.

I dont think its unreasonable to want to know if other parents are safe to leave your child with. I always want to know about their dog, there are some people I dont trust to be responsible with their dog around kids.

If this is your personality, then you won’t change your view- regardless of what people say. To be blunt- your child is at more risk from family than from other people regarding accidental death, injury or abuse. At that age, I would allow and Di allow play dates, start of with them being short, about an hour, and then build up to a longer one. But if you’re already uncomfortable then that probably wouldn’t work for you. Can you do a few Park dates/play centres to get to know the other parents?