To ask how you know its safe to let your child go to friends houses

[bobstersmum]

Ds is 5 and in reception. He has been asking about having a few of his friends over for tea (one at a time) I have not made any plans yet but got to thinking if he was invited to another friends house, how would I know it was safe there? As only early days getting to know other parents and its only brief conversations at that. One of his close friends have a huge boisterous dog of the bull terrier variety so for me that's a no already, but aside from that, am I being over protective? How do you know, I can demand to know who lives there and inspect the house can I? I really want my little boy to make some good friends but am aware if I ask his friends over they may do the same and I will be in the position of having to decide if I'm going to let him?
For the record I mean safe in every aspect, safe from harm, safe from abuse, everything really!

So far all play dates with school friends have always been mums too for the first couple/few. We chat, girls play, then I/they know what the house etc is like before leaving children unattended.

I wouldn't leave my child unless I'd been in the home and properly met the parents/family and I'd always expect other parents to want to come to mine first too.

I guess in Reception class it was not unusual for parents to stick around for a bit the first time kids came over, if for no other reason then to get to know one another a bit. Though it actually never occurred to me to worry about safety at other people's houses.

I agree with some suggestions here to invite people over with their kids if you want to know them better. You can always ask who lives with them and if they have any dogs/sabretooth tigers etc.

I completely understand your feelings as I'm quite an anxious parent myself. I would get to know the parents before allowing any of my children round their house. I very much prefer to host the playdates and so far I have seen the other mums are only too happy dropping and running so I must have one of those faces people trust! 😄
Go with your gut feeling. I know I fall in the overprotective category but we see so many horrors these days that it's hard not to worry. You have my total empathy! X

My kids are older now but I'm pretty sure for the first couple of years at primary when they got invited to others houses I did too and vice versa. When they were 7 and older they would go without me (same with birthday parties). So you would have met and been to the houses of most of their friends already. Not that it's something I would have even thought about to be honest. You sound anxious!

At that age I always stayed and other mums/dads stayed when they brought their children over. This meant I only invited people over if I liked or thought I would like the parents. Now he's a bit older (8), I drop him off, or he goes back with them straight from school, but I would definitely expect to be invited in for wine tea on pick up and would always offer the same. But I have an easy life and have time to do this.

I let our older boy go for a sleepover when he was 13 to a home I knew nothing about (I spoke to the dad but that's it). He walked home on his own at 2am - apparently the dad had kicked them all out and they'd been roaming around London

When DD was asking me if she could go to a particular child's house, their class TA actually overheard and shook her head to me. She obviously couldn't elaborate but over the years it has become obvious that the child's parents have a drug problem.

I was so grateful to that TA!

Maybe get your child to ask you in-front of the TA and watch out for a look of horror on her face!

I struggle with this too. There's so many things that families differ on that can affect safety like whether they let their children play in the street unsupervised (and if so how far do they roam), if they have dogs, if there will be other adults coming and going that you don't know, and so on. And that's before you start wondering how well you actually know the parent beyond their playground/five minute chat/school pick up personality.

Ahhhh thank you for the replies. I can see I'm not being too silly in worrying about these things. I have 3 children but ds is the oldest so it's all new to me this type of thing! I do tend to over think, but I definitely do not let my anxiety stop my children living their lives to the full. I suppose he might not even get an invite for a long time yet but I wanted to get some insight into what is the done thing.

I used to invite a lot of friends over - you then get a chance to chat to the mums or dads when they pick their kids up.

I think you can get a good idea just by chatting to the parents in the school playground. One of my daughter's friends (also 5) has two older brothers who are 15 and 17. The dad told me one day that the parents had gone out, left the 15 year old to babysit and the 5 year old said he'd hit her. The dad's response was, 'well, she probably was winding him up.' like it was normal! My daughter won't be going there... But to be fair, I don't think they would actually invite anyone over anyway.

No one has ever asked who lives in our house or to inspect our house before their child came round, tbh if they did I would try an go back on the invite.

most people are nice

no Beyond they are not, trust me

No, dullandold you're quite wrong on that, the vast majority of people are perfectly nice, even if the ones you know by some odd quirk of fate aren't you must recognise that by and large they really are.

Are you really suggesting that over 50% of the world's population are nasty people?

I think it's perfectly OK to accompany a 5 year old and get to know the parent who is hosting. They will probably want to do the same as you.
It's not that there's a particular fear, but I've sent my DC (in year 5) on a swim outing with the full suncream, sun hat, cover up glasses etc and DC arrived home with very bad blistered sunburn and a pathetic don't care shrug instead of apology.
Some parents just can't be bothered supervising their own kids, let alone yours and are inviting your DC to occupy theirs so that they can take it easy. I wasn't happy about sending DC with that parent because I knew they were quite idle, but was talked down when I stressed the importance of suncare and mocked for being overprotective as if I was making a fuss about nothing. I still regret not standing my ground.
5 is still quite young, it's not being over protective to keep a close eye on them. Yes they need their freedom, they need to socialise and have fun but you need to satisfied that the person in charge is trust worthy.

DS2 is in Reception & having a friend over after school today. I wasn't expecting the parent to come, but the mum has texted today to say she will stay. Would have picked a different day if I'd thought of that - feel like the cleaning/tidying I do for dc friends isn't up to scrutiny of their parents!
I guess it's having older dc, I assume that at this point in the year, having chatted to parents at school gates & parties they would be ok to play independently. Or maybe I didn't pass the test...

"Shall we exchange bellowing rights?" was my litmus test for parents of DD's friends. A cheerful agreement means that host will keep them safe from each other. I blotted my copybook with one child: they'd been in the dressing up box and when friend's mum arrived the friend had lost all her school uniform

I may and try to find out about a dog as this can be an issue (own experience with a generally lovely dog who wasn't keen on unknown people) but otherwise I let DD go.

I also let her go if the dad picked the girls up and the mum wasn't at home (I always inquired about car seat and dropped one of or handed it over in the mornings if I did drop off at school).

I ensured I spoke to the parents before and knew where they live. I also preferred organised one than the "oh, can DD come with us after school today" bombs at the gate in the morning.

Quick look around when you take them,little chat,swap phone numbers,you'll know by then if you think it's ok.Have his friends round first,this gives you the opportunity to offer a tea/coffee and interrogate the parent!
Most are fine though.

You aren’t being overprotective. If a teacher let a pair of random mums do an activity with a reception class, that teacher would be fired immediately. I never understand why safeguarding is so heavily required at school, but at home you’re supposed to drop your kid at a random strangers house. It is dangerous even if they are “nice”. Kids are often used to their own environment but not others.

I think you have to go by instinct. There is a family who both my dds are very friendly with, and I didn't ever let them playdate alone. It was slightly easier in that the first time they came to use the parents stayed and had a cup of tea (and stayed and stayed and stayed )

But when they were invited over there, I stayed too.
It turns out I was right to be concerned and was very glad I hadn't left them.

But I also know a man who I knew well for 15 years, adn would have tristed him no problems, and he has now served a 9 year jail sentence, and is on the sex offenders register - hueg shock.

So, go by instinct but in the end it is all about trust.

It is hard. Think you just have to base it on whether the parent seems nice and the children are well cares for and hope for the best.

Agree this is why reception parties/going on school trips are good, you can suss out the other kids and their parents in advance of any playdates. I let my reception aged DD go on play dates if I have spoken to the parents a few times. She is quite sensible, knows the pants rule etc. Having read this thread I feel a bit cavalier!

Hi Op - i get it. My oldest is 5 and just starting the whole playdate without parents thing.
I thought it was a good idea to get ahead of it and have a few of her friend to ours after school, and told the parents that they could come too. I was a little shocked that none of them took me up on it.
I barely know them, they've never been in my house before and they were happy for me to pick their kid up from school and take them home for a few hours. Each to their own i suppose, but I worry that it will be awkward if there's a reciprocal offer and i'm not expected to come too, at least for the first time.
It may seem overprotective, but when you're looking for childcare you check the place out, check staff have DBS, ofsted etc, get a feel for the place and generally ensure your child is as safe as can be. Yet as soon as they go to school there's an assumption you just let anyone take care of them at a playdate with no idea who they are except a couple of quick chats in the playground - and if you want any more than that you're being rude?
Its tricky but i'm going to err on the side of caution. I have enough friends who got abused by random neighbours, or the dad or older brother of a friend to be so relaxed about dropping them off at any old tom,dick or harry's house. If that makes me pessimistic, so be it.

OP I think your concerns are perfectly reasonable - I was just the same when my eldest was that kind of age. With your younger DC it will get easier.

I always used to get in first, then would invite the mum in for a cuppa so I could get to know her a bit... then when your DC gets invited back, you will probably get invited in too. If not you can always ask if you can pop in with them for five minutes because 'they're a bit nervous of anything new' (as in blame it on DC and hope they don't say anything ).

I think my children didn't go to other children's houses without me until they were about 6/7 (Year 2). You can always go and have a cup of tea with the mum and get to know her that way. I've made lots of friends by doing this and now I have no worries about my children going to their friend's houses.

Fromnowhere, Thank you! That's exactly what I was thinking, it seems so strange that we should just be ok dropping our children with virtual strangers, why? Just because they've got a child too? It's a bit of a minefield isn't it really!