To ask how you know its safe to let your child go to friends houses

[bobstersmum]

Ds is 5 and in reception. He has been asking about having a few of his friends over for tea (one at a time) I have not made any plans yet but got to thinking if he was invited to another friends house, how would I know it was safe there? As only early days getting to know other parents and its only brief conversations at that. One of his close friends have a huge boisterous dog of the bull terrier variety so for me that's a no already, but aside from that, am I being over protective? How do you know, I can demand to know who lives there and inspect the house can I? I really want my little boy to make some good friends but am aware if I ask his friends over they may do the same and I will be in the position of having to decide if I'm going to let him?
For the record I mean safe in every aspect, safe from harm, safe from abuse, everything really!

If he's going to play with friends, then presumably his friends are alive and have not been killed or maimed in horrific accidens in their own home?

You consider the likelihood of the parents being awful and the balance of probabilities. You look at the child and see how they behave and are presented and make an assessment of what home is probably like. You chat to the parent/s in the playground and at school events and get a feel for them. And if you aren't comfortable with him playing over until year 1-2 that's ok, but you will need to invite kids to yours plenty to make sure he has friends

There are kids in my kids class who are still alive but I wouldn’t let my child go to their house. One has a parent who is in and out of jail for drug dealing. Others are allowed to play gta/Call of Duty etc at infant age. It’s not overprotective to want to know what kind of people you are leaving to care for your child. Obviously there’s no 100% guarantee of safety but if you pop in for coffee and one of the parents is smoking weed in the house/older siblings are battering the younger ones without consequence/a dog is growling and snapping at everyone then you can make your excuses and leave.

I would feel uneasy about my 5 year old going to a friends house on his own, I usually invite friends plus mums and other mums so far have done the same. I agree with pp’s that the majority of people are nice but it’s hard to tell the ones they aren’t. One of my friends husbands recently was convicted of raping their young child. I genuinely thought he seemed like a nice, slightly quirky guy.

Is not being killed or maimed the measure for what we want for our kids when they are at their friends houses?

There are a lot of reception kids who wouldn’t want to be left on the first visit at least so I don’t think it’s unusual to stay.

We're quite lucky in that we've lived in the same small town for a while so know a lot of the kids parents through toddler groups, nursery, meeting up in the park, play dates etc. Also at least half of the kids have at least one parent who is a teacher or healthcare professional which means there will have been checks. If I didn't know the parents fairly well, I'd probably do the first (few if necessary) as play dates then let my DC go on their own. DC1 can be a bit highly strung anyway so it is better for me to be there for that reason too.

Obviously you will never, ever, bee able to be 100% sure. My DS is now 7 and has only ever been to one other child's house. I invited 3 mums and their kids over during the summer: it was one boy in particular that DS wanted to play with, but his DM was a bit quiet so I invited a few more to make it less awkward (because at the time her DS, youngest in the class, was only 5 and I knew she wouldn't want to leave him as she didn't know me that well). DMs had a cuppa and a natter and the kids went crazy in the garden. Then I fed them and sent them home. Maybe you could do something similar during the Easter break? It was a good way for me to get to know the DMs and 3 of them have become good friends. Don't blame you about the dog, though. Too many stories about lovely dogs suddenly going mad.

You can never be 100% sure. I would go with looking at how well cared for the child is that mine was going to visit. Are they clean, fed, collected from school with some sort of routine and roughly on time. How do the parents speak to them, are there kind words. You can certainly ask about siblings in a general way so as to guess who'd be at home.

Then when you drop off you stop for 5 mins, maybe accept the offer of a cup of tea and just satisfy yourself that it is a normal house.

As for the dog thing - I'd speak to the parents about how the dog is with kids and tell them you are nervous as you don't have a dog. I am sure they would reassure you - after all the dog hasn't eaten their kid yet!

I wouldn’t let mine go to anybody’s house that I hadn’t already been to. We had a fantastic play date on Saturday afternoon with both DS’s and the other children at the same school/nursery. Now I’ve been I wouldn’t mind sending him alone but would never ever let him go somewhere I hadn’t seen with my own eyes!

I do spend a lot of time in other people’s houses though. The things I’ve seen

I can't remember ever seeing a news story about a child dying/being injured on a play date before!

I think you're being very overprotective.

It's not like this is America where you'd have to ask if the family had guns!

I was abused by my father as a child. No one had any idea. I know how hard it is to spot abusers and the sad fact is that even if you spent a lot of time with their parents you still wouldn’t know whether they’re a risk or not. And there are obviously other risks too - a friend of mine let’s her toddler son play very roughly with their little dog and I’d never let my little ones be alone around that dog (he looks so stressed when it happens, it’s a matter of time before he snaps).

I’m going to try and focus on teaching my boys to tell me the truth about things that happen, about unacceptable behaviour from adults, about not trusting people when they’re asked to keep secrets from me or their dad, teaching them the proper names for their anatomy etc. I can’t be with them all the time forever, so I have to do what I can to keep them safe when they’re apart from me without scaring them. It’s going to be a hard balance to strike i am sure.

It’s not unusual for parents to accompany their child on a play date. I asked a little girl over when dd was in reception and the girls mother asked me if she could come too as her dd was anxious. The mother then invited me to come over on the first playdate at her house. Knowing what I know now, I suspect it was actually the mother, who was anxious. But that’s fine. I suggest you use the excuse your ds wants you to accompany your ds the first time and ask if it’s ok. After all he is your child and you get to decide.

I think it depends what you're worried about, and agree with fancy that it's not possible to know if people are child abusers because you've been to their house and they seem like nice people.

With the dog, I just explain to the parents that DD is scared of dogs (she's ok now but wasn't then). Without exception they've been understanding and said they'll keep the dog in a separate room and it's been fine.