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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU and Mean?

93 replies

SoonToBecomeAMrs · 25/02/2018 20:16

NC as I have family who are MNers...

I've reluctantly agreed 4 weeks ago that DP's brother could stay with us for 9 weeks whilst he had work in the area. DP and I agreed on some conditions such as he has to pay his way, we aren't to be giving him lifts (public transport is good here) and he doesn't stay any longer than the 9 weeks.

Every Friday BIL goes home to see his GF an hour away via train straight from work and comes back Sunday night. The first Sunday he asked for a lift home from the train station because there's no buses. DP went and got him, I told DP that he should tell his DB that he needs to get an earlier train to make sure he can get a bus from the station to here.

He's had a lift from FIL the past 2 weeks but today BIL has done exactly the same. Got the latest train and asked for a lift claiming no buses. So now me and DP have argued because I don't think he should go to get him. I've actually found a bus but it means waiting half an hour, which I think he should do.

AIBU and a bitch here? It was a condition we made and I feel DB is trying to take the mick. Surely it isn't hard to get the train a bit earlier so he makes the bus?

OP posts:

Rachie1973 · 25/02/2018 21:25

SoonToBecomeAMrs

He didn't lose his job, he quit his trade because he didn't like it. His debt is due to getting pay day loans to bet on footy and go on holiday. Stupid debt in my eyes.

Wow, you're a little ray of judgemental spite aren't you?

Its a lift.... he's not asking for a kidney.

Just mean.

AboutAGallonofDietCoke · 25/02/2018 21:29

Why isn't he staying with his girlfriend? I would you guys sound a nightmare 😂

pastabest · 25/02/2018 21:34

I get it.

You are doing him a huge favour already, not many people would want their BIL living with them for two months. You set some ground rules as part of this favour to minimise the original favour leading to further favours and making further encroachments on your family life (I know as a family we like to chill out together on a Sunday night before being back to business as usual on Monday) and BIL isn't sticking to them.

Yes picking him up is the 'nice' thing to do if you are a bit of a doormat, or if it's a one off, or if there is any reasonable expectation that the favour will one day be reciprocated.

SharronNeedles · 25/02/2018 21:35

Yes you are mean.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 25/02/2018 21:36

Do your DP’s family like you? Would you treat your own family like this?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 25/02/2018 21:39

Wow, you're a little ray of judgemental spite aren't you?

Yeah, cos when people do stupid things, then need us to help bail them out, we never, ever, ever stop to think why the fuck they think we need to bear any responsibility for their own actions!

I mean, I know this is one of those Only in MN things, but normal people, out here in the Real World, do have opinions on the behaviours of others. It is perfectly normal and not necessarily spiteful!

Oh! And you do see the irony, the hypocrisy, of that comment, don't you?

strawberrysparkle · 25/02/2018 21:40

Yabu - what's wrong with a lift?! He's family.

OverwhelminglyCrap · 25/02/2018 21:49

My BIL makes a LOT of stupid decisions and is utterly shite with money - but despite all of that he wouldn't have had to ask for a lift because we would have offered.

It's the decent thing to do. You are just being VERY petty.

SmurfOrTerf · 25/02/2018 21:51

YANBU
I too remember your last thread
BIL is a twat

HTH

TheHolidayArmadillo · 25/02/2018 22:32

I don't understand why you're getting such a hard time OP.

It's not "just a lift" - it's someone not taking responsibility for their own actions and expecting others to pick up their slack. From the posts, the brother has had 4 weeks to figure out, as a grown up, how to make his way from his girlfriend's back to the OP's house and he hasn't done that because he expects someone else will bail him out. That gets old really quickly.

I live in a 2 bed flat with DH and 2DC. If my sister needed to move in with us for a bit we would want to help but it would be a huge inconvenience and I could easily see things becoming strained, even with a good relationship.

There's also the side issue of the evening being disrupted by the DH having to go out to collect his brother when a lot of people could just have nice plans of getting in their PJs and chilling out without having to go back out again.

FWIW, we rent from a housing association and we have a clause in our tenancy agreement about non-tenants effectively moving in. 9 weeks isn't exactly having family to stay over.

Redlipstickismyarmour · 25/02/2018 23:06

Whilst you would not BU if it was you, he’s asking your DH. It might be irritating (I would find it so), but is it worth putting extra pressure on your DH who is stuck in the middle?
For the sake of marital harmony all round, I would leave your DH to the decision and Work around it as best you can for the next 6 weeks. It’s not the end of the world moving dinner by 40 mins (and you can always find out train times from BIL in advance).
The money is a different matter.......

MrsElvis · 25/02/2018 23:11

If I was a guest in a small 2 bed for over 2 months I'd do everything I could to not be any trouble. So I wouldn't be asking for favours and I'd certainly wait 30 mins for that bus you found

HildaZelda · 26/02/2018 00:02

YANBU OP, but I do think that you're either incredibly brave or else incredibly foolish. I wouldn't have my BIL in the house for 9 minutes, never mind 9 weeks.
Best of luck. I think you're going to need it.

drumandthebass · 26/02/2018 09:47

YABU - it's the odd lift to help his brother out. Wouldn't you do the same for your family or best friend?

DeathStare · 26/02/2018 09:59

On the face of it, it looks like you are being unreasonable - especially seeing as it's your DP that is giving the lift not you. Though I also don't think your DP would be at all unreasonable to say "Sorry not until I've finished my dinner" (or whatever) to his brother.

However I get the feeling this isn't really about the lift. It sounds more like it's about the fact he's pushing at the boundaries you set. Is this something that has happened frequently in the past?

Original poster

SoonToBecomeAMrs · 26/02/2018 19:16

I think you're right, BIL is a taker. People have tried their best to help him but he does nothing to help himself. He's been bailed out a few times by different family members numerous times.

It was a huge deal for me letting him stay here as I hate anyone being in my personal space (family or not). He isn't paying his way and now expected a lift (not the first time) just seems to be taking the piss especially when there are earlier trains and buses.

OP posts:

wineandroses1 · 08/06/2018 14:18

Not sure why so many people posting are calling you mean and spiteful. Clearly this is a case of BIL showing that though he agreed to the conditions when Op and her DP said he could stay, he isn't paying what was agreed, he doesn't see why he should make his own way home and doesn't give a shit who he inconveniences. A lift may seem like a small thing but in this case it was predictable that he would ask (hence the condition) and it's one more demonstration of him taking the piss. I get why the Op is cheesed off. But it is up to her DP to say no. If he doesn't, well more fool him, he can carry on picking up his brother and try not to moan to the Op about it.

ShatnersWig · 08/06/2018 14:38

@wineandroses1 Why did you resurrect a zombie thread from February?

Anyway, for everyone else to save them posting

ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE

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