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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and Mean?

93 replies

SoonToBecomeAMrs · 25/02/2018 20:16

NC as I have family who are MNers...

I've reluctantly agreed 4 weeks ago that DP's brother could stay with us for 9 weeks whilst he had work in the area. DP and I agreed on some conditions such as he has to pay his way, we aren't to be giving him lifts (public transport is good here) and he doesn't stay any longer than the 9 weeks.

Every Friday BIL goes home to see his GF an hour away via train straight from work and comes back Sunday night. The first Sunday he asked for a lift home from the train station because there's no buses. DP went and got him, I told DP that he should tell his DB that he needs to get an earlier train to make sure he can get a bus from the station to here.

He's had a lift from FIL the past 2 weeks but today BIL has done exactly the same. Got the latest train and asked for a lift claiming no buses. So now me and DP have argued because I don't think he should go to get him. I've actually found a bus but it means waiting half an hour, which I think he should do.

AIBU and a bitch here? It was a condition we made and I feel DB is trying to take the mick. Surely it isn't hard to get the train a bit earlier so he makes the bus?

OP posts:
Snowysky20009 · 25/02/2018 20:44

How far away is the station? Personally I can't see the problem anabolic I think you are putting obstacles in the way Confused

MadMags · 25/02/2018 20:44

You’re being ridiculous. Rearranging one meal once a week is hardly the world’s biggest inconvenience.

Gaelach · 25/02/2018 20:45

I suppose everyone's idea of 'helping someone get back on their feet' is different.

Snowysky20009 · 25/02/2018 20:45

Anabolic* don't know where that came from!

mrsfuzzyboots · 25/02/2018 20:49

If your DP wants to give his DB a lift then that’s his perogative. If he doesn’t then that’s up to him to say so. I don’t see how this affects you and what you’re hoping to achieve by getting angry at your DP.

Yes it’s not always easy to have a house guest staying for a prolonged period of time, particularly if you’re short on space. But you agreed, however reluctantly, and it’s very unfair to now be angry at your DP who by the sounds of it has done nothing other than want to help out his DB.

I seriously hope no one in your family ever needs a place to stay, or a lift, or indeed anything...

jkl0311 · 25/02/2018 20:50

Yabu he's asking for one lift a week, don't look down on him that he lost his job and got into debt, support him and if the jobs longer make allowances for him to stay on longer with you.
You never know where Life will take you in years to come and if DP lost his job and staying away for Work you would want him back on weekends and catch the last train back.

mikeyssister · 25/02/2018 20:50

How long does it take?

TheJoyOfSox · 25/02/2018 20:53

In a word Yes! Yabvu and very mean, it’s a freezing night and you think he should wait half an hour for a bus.

Emma198 · 25/02/2018 20:55

You shouldn't have agreed to him staying if it was going to wind you up this much. You do seem to be being unreasonable and a bit mean.

lilcolibri · 25/02/2018 20:55

You sound very selfish.

How would you feel if your little DC's siblings treated them this way?

Original poster
SoonToBecomeAMrs · 25/02/2018 20:56

don't look down on him that he lost his job and got into debt

He didn't lose his job, he quit his trade because he didn't like it. His debt is due to getting pay day loans to bet on footy and go on holiday. Stupid debt in my eyes.

OP posts:
user789653241 · 25/02/2018 20:57

He isn't asking you, so if your DP is happy to do it for his brother, once a week isn't a big deal, imo.

Nicknacky · 25/02/2018 20:58

And that's the crux of the matter. You don't agree with his choices. But what is that to do with getting a lift once a week?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 25/02/2018 21:00

no tenancy agreements that strict. Actually quite a few are. Visitor clauses are not at all unusual in standard ASTs.

And the advent of Right To Rent means that a lot of landlords are becoming nervous when tenants have ling staying guest as they, the landlord, can be prosecuted for having 'illegal' tenants, family or not!

This is just another of the current daft, unintended outcomes of tightening up the rental laws!

jkl0311 · 25/02/2018 21:02

@SoonToBecomeAMrs I think you would feel differently if it was your own flesh and blood that is all.

MipMipMip · 25/02/2018 21:04

Did you have a thread about the bil previously? If it's the one I'm thinking of then, YANBU. He has always been a pisstaker and is known for taking boundaries and pushing them. At least he's paying, which you were expecting him to "forget".

I hope things are OK with him taking over the living room. And yes, I've seen tenancy agreements that consider someone staying longer than X to be living there and having to be added to the tenancy agreement. Which costs of course. I think having someone living with you for nine weeks is a big ask and that you're doing him a kindness. Forcing him to wait for a bus rather than interrupt your dinner doesn't really compare.

TheDogHasEatenIt · 25/02/2018 21:04

I think to be honest, you need to back off and let your dp decide if he wants to either rush his meal or leave it in the oven for 40 mins. I would eat my meal at the time i planned and leave my dp to sort out his brother. If he gets fed up enough of rushing/delaying his meals, he will raise the issue himself.

MipMipMip · 25/02/2018 21:06

And it sounds like you're trying to protect your husband who is uncomfortable saying no, which is also no bad thing.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 25/02/2018 21:06

Posts like this make me glad we have a one bedroom flat so no one can stay. If we ever manage to get somewhere with a spare room it’ll be a study!

I think YABU if it’s only one lift a week, although it does sound annoying. Saying that, if it was my DP I’d make it clear that if he ever couldn’t do it I certainly wouldn’t be going out, BIL could get a taxi.

Ontheboardwalk · 25/02/2018 21:07

He’s been with you for 3 weeks and has asked for a lift one night? I though you were going to say he was constantly asking for lifts.

Sunday public transport is shocking and not the most reliable. I’d happily give someone a lift on a Sunday night.

Sorry I think you YABU. Could be worse he could be spending the weekend with you rather than with his GF.

teaiseverything · 25/02/2018 21:08

If we knew much more, some of us might actually say, "You know what, you're right," because it might then be understandable why you're feeling the way you are. At the moment, it's seeming like he's someone who made a couple of mistakes and is trying to get his shit together.

manicandcrazy · 25/02/2018 21:10

Does it hurt to help out a family member? You never know, you may need said family member for help or support in the future!

YellowMakesMeSmile · 25/02/2018 21:16

People are so selfish nowadays.

I'd not think twice if a family member wanted to stay with us for a little while to work nor would I mind the odd weekly lift. I'd not be impressed if DH then put a load of restrictions on it and charged as well.

But then I give lifts to friends, help out if they need it etc, all of which seem alien on MN to many.

fullofhope04 · 25/02/2018 21:17

Sorry, but yes YABU

SD1978 · 25/02/2018 21:21

Either you e posted about this before, or a very similar post about the conditions pre BIL moving in. If the train station isnt far away, and you are not being asked to be involved in the pickup, you are being quite unreasonable as if it doesn’t directly affect you, and your husband and FIL are happy to do it- why the rage? Did you not want him there in the first place? Surely the face he buggers off every weekend until late on the su day is good as it means he’s not sitting around annoying you wii some other rule infraction at your house?!