I’ve ended contact with my family as they broke my trust & put my son in danger!

[SugarfreeBee]

Sorry long post
I would like your opinions please?

My eldest son is from my 1st marriage, when his Dad & I split up initially I spent a lot of time & effort facilitating contact & he would let DS1 down over & over, he would have him for the day & not feed him or change his bum so you can imagine the state he came home in.

I met someone & we got married- my ex hadn’t had contact for about 6months at that point but saw him under supervision, having previously threatened to abduct him, when he found out I’d remarried he threatened to murder my husband (not an idle threat) police were involved. He was incredibly mentally unstable & had been in trouble with the police.

We did however believe he should still see his son & spent a lot of money trying to arrange this safely - he refused.

We have been incredibly careful to keep our identity private & our son safe. My husband and I have had 2 more children.

Forward 13 years with no contact, my son has many AD, ADHD & AS symptoms & anxiety & this past 3 months in particular have been hell!
He’s vile to his Dad & I & has become quite violent (hubby’s got 2cracked ribs) breaking into abandoned buildings & causing damage, fighting, telling lies, being deceitful & we’ve always had issues with stealing. When he explodes he’s runs away.

We’ve worked so hard with him & when he’s out of the house (& sometimes in) he’s a lovely, caring charismatic, young man & everyone speaks so highly of him.

Anyway he’s been to my parents for a few days, he’s come back a mess.

My sister & brother have taken it upon themselves to find & contact my ex about DS1 - he’s had no contact for 13years - the last contact I’m aware of is 10 years ago when CSA caught up with him & took £200 so he phoned my Mum & asked her to ask me for it back- which she did!!!! He’s paid nothing since!
We have little contact with my siblings as me being seriously ill & bedbound is inconvenient, they blame my hubby they never liked him but loved my ex! They also don’t like my 2 children with my husband.

Whilst DS1 was staying with my parents they took it upon themselves to talk to DS1 about his birth Dad & tried to get him to contact him, telling him how much birth dad misses him!

They slated us- mostly his Dad but saying I’m brain washed not sick & that his Dad is abusive! They really don’t like him & praised birth Dad - who left me with a sick 4 month old whilst he went & had a one night stand! They told DS1 it was my fault as I expected too much of him!

My Mum & Dad were also aware of this, & Mum has spoken to my ex on the phone- something I told her I never wanted her to do!

They shared a lot of information with DS1 - lots of it wrong but also saw fit to share that his Granddad was murdered & there is a blood feud (Birth Dad is Eastern European) so now my son is scared he’s going to be murdered!

I’m so, so angry!

We’d taken advice & have plans in place for sharing & got photos ready for when he asks. He knows he can & is comfortable asking & telling me things. I’m really close with him, He’s a 5ft8 strapping lad & still gets into bed for cuddles & a chatwith me (I’m bed bound)

DS1 is so mixed up but thinks he does want some contact with birth Dad - which we always have told him we would facilitate when he was 18 if he wanted it.
We have said he can have contact via letter now but until he’s older meeting up isn’t an option.

He’s so fragile at the moment anyway- we are waiting on mental health team appointments.

I can’t believe my family did this!
He’s got GCSE’s coming up & his Grandad is dying - It couldn’t come at a worse time for him! (Or to be honest me! My Health is really fragile)

My Mum usually comes once a week, but I’ve told her & my siblings that they have lost us & to have no further contact.

They are now telling me I’m nasty & out of order & I’m going to kill my Mum!
They basically have made this about me being in the wrong!

What do you think?
Am I being unreasonable?

Do you please have some advice to help DS1 get through this next few weeks

Thank you

They sound like a bunch of cunts. WTF, really, who would behave like that! 100% NC for all of your familys well being.

Wow, arseholes.

for you.

YANBU

I think the only option here is to continue your no contact.

I would be absolutely RAGING in your situation! Your mother in particular has acted very, very, badly.

Did your son actually try and contact his sperm donor when your parents were pressuring him to and for whatever reason it didn't work out, or did he tell your parents 'no'?

You say your mum usually comes once a week, I wonder whether she has been whispering in his ear all along? That might account for his off and on behaviour... nice out of the house, acting up when he's in because he's been given some (step) parent alienation crap.

You have done the right thing. Don't cave. If you start feeling "oh but it's my family" give yourself 3 months or something and see what happens. Maybe you'll see a change in your son. At the very least you won't have those abusive people in your face.

This sort of betrayal is awful. I would keep away and ensure your son does too.

"You're going to kill your Mum" is the sort of deeply manipulative bullshit that I would expect from people who have behaved as your family has.

Literally any one of those things they did, from ignoring the no-contact with the ex, to questioning the reality of your illness, to telling your son information you decided he does not need to know at this point, to accusing your husband of abuse would be enough to cut contact. All of them together is unquestionably time to cut them loose permanently.

Cut them dead. Like, block any and all contact, and don't read any more messages from them as they will likely only contain more manipulative bullshit designed to mess with your peace of mind.

No thankfully he didn’t!
He came home and talked with me about it!
My sister is a teacher & initially told him not to tell me! She then said it was up to him but she didn’t think he should!!
He was apologising- like it’s his fault! He said he didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to cause upset but knew he had to & needed to talk it through with me! When he defended his Dad, he was told it sounded like he was brainwashed - like he’d been told what to say!! WTF!
I’m heartbroken for him that they would do this, & of course fuming!

@ShamelesslyPlacemarking
I’d blocked everything- but forgot WhatsApp!
This is from my sister!
“You need to think carefully about how you are treating Mum! She's always supported you and never ever been judgemental! She's hasn't got many years left and you are going to make her ill treating her so badly and stopping her from seeing her grandchildren! Disgusting behaviour! 😡😡
If she's said anything you don't agree with it's only because she's worried and cares and if you can't see the truth right infront of your nose then you are even more brainwashed than we thought!”!!!!!!!
I had similar from my Aunt!
I’m heartbroken at the thought of losing my parents - not my siblings as my sister in particular is a bully & manipulative, & to be honest I don’t ever see them anyway.
I love my Mum but pretty much every week she does or says something to hurt DS2, she’s just completely tactless- I don’t think it’s malicious she just doesn’t like him much & doesn’t do much to hide it.
Thank you for responding. 💕

@Frasier

Thanks, she definitely undermines us with him & won’t abide by our rules.
He has allergies to artificial colours & flavours - his behaviour goes off the wall, but she’s always given him things he can’t have & of course we are left with the consequences & then a child who feels so poorly & hungover.

It’s so hard because I do love her so much & in lots of ways she’s a good Mum - if she wasn’t I’d of ended the relationship years ago, but this is too far!
They all adore my ex & when he left me they blamed me!

What’s all this business with brainwashing? Where does that come from?

It’s a very odd accusation to make.

@Cavender

When I met my hubby he gave me the confidence to stand up for myself- which didn’t go down well!

Urgh, they sound even worse with each update.

Continue as you mean to go on, and enjoy your life without this crap in it. I agree with a previous poster that your mother has probably been feeding him info all this time. What kind of mother betrays her own child like that?!

She's hasn't got many years left and you are going to make her ill treating her so badly and stopping her from seeing her grandchildren! Disgusting behaviour

The only disgusting behaviour I'm seeing here is from your sister and parents. How can they even sleep at night?!

Anyone who ever tries the manipulative 'not got many more years left' shit with me gets an instant cut off. No one knows how many years they have left! A 20 year old could get hit by a bus tomorrow whilst their grandparent lives until 90.

@Cavender

Sorry posted too quickly!

They also have decided that I’m not really sick & he’s made me sick!

I’ve got a neurological auto immune disease & broken pelvis.
I’ve never known Doctors to make a diagnosis or the NHS give powered Wheelchairs & adapt houses for fun or Social Services give significant care packages because someone is brain washed!!

I have 43 hours care a week- I think the Carers would of raised flags if they felt I or the children were being brainwashed or abused!

It’s easier for them to believe that, than the fact that I won’t be bullied by them & that I’m truly very sick.

When I met my hubby he gave me the confidence to stand up for myself- which didn’t go down well! Ahhh, so the problem is, is that via this new found confidence from your dh, you started to stand up to them, and not be the walk over people had come to love and expect?

Sounds familiar. My sister and brother both blocked and went NC with after their "gullible little sister (me)" found her balls and started calling them on their shit!! I went NC with my mother years a go due to her bulling, emotional blackmail and emotional abuse of me throughout my childhood.

Good riddance.

@emmyrose
Thank you.

My sister is very manipulative & it’s not the first time she’s said awful things about my husband & about us as parents!
DS2 was in hospital 4 years ago - I was struggling at home with DS1 & a baby & only 6 hours care a day, I was worried sick about DS2 & had other big problems she knew about & she started! I cut contact with her for about 8 months, but my MIL dropped dead & my sister turned up at the funeral (supposedly to support me as she didn’t know my MIL) I forgave her & we moved on - or so I thought!

My husband has given up his career to care for me & the children- he puts everyone else first! He’s done nothing but be kind & hospitable whenever they have bothered to come- we’ll over a year for both! He always offers to help if he can! He’s not perfect- but who is?
Most families would be so grateful that their loved ones partner was so caring, unfortunately nothing is good enough for them!

They behaved that way then they turned it round on me & blame me!
I take responsibility that yes Mum must be devastated, but she must have been aware how I would respond & it’s their actions that caused this.

My children are my priority & I won’t have them or my hubby treated like this.

@differentnameforthis

Thank you for responding

I’m sorry your family treated you that way, but well done for standing up for yourself & getting free.

I don’t think my Mum was malicious in her behaviour, but she has totally broken my trust! She’s had 6 weeks to tell me that they were in contact with him! 6 weeks! I never would of let him go if I’d known - maybe why she didn’t tell me!

My aunt claims my Mum cried when she heard they had got in contact with him- but then went on to call him for a chat herself!

She claims that they haven’t told him where we live but how can we believe that?

We’ve been here 5 years & it’s the first time we have felt truly safe - that’s now gone!

I believe that my brother and sister have told my ex that my husband is abusing DS1 - which puts my husband’s life at risk due to ex’s culture- something they wouldn’t have a clue about!

We believe in consistent boundaries & treating people respect- DS1 has ASD & ADHD TRAITS (&probably AD) punishment was removing from the situation & having time to calm down & then putting right whatever he’d done - ie appologising, picking up whatever he’d trashed in temper.
We’ve worked so hard to help him to understand Social boundaries- really hard & to be honest not totally successfully but he tries. We are strict but he’s needed that to help him feel safe & all 3 have the same expectations of behaviour.

Different parent style to them who would get drunk & let the kids run wild - (or expect us to care for them.)
You’d think as a teacher she’d know everyone parents differently!

I really am on a rant! Sorry!

Your mother is not a good mother or grandmother if she is feeding poison into your sons ear. You are totally doing the right thing. My mother only now believes my diagnosis now because I sent her a copy of it last year and some information proving that my illness is classed as a disability under the equality act. I have ME and am regularly very ill. I have been ill for 7 years. My brother has threatened me and been violent to me because of my illness I am now nc with my brother and low contact with my mother. He was always vile to me even as a child.

You have to protect your family. You don’t need this drama in your life. Your mother is also a drama queen. Had she said your ex is horrible, I’m sure your sister, aunt etc would have followed suit. So don’t think for one moment she is blameless. She also wouldn’t feed your ds food, which makes him ill.

You need every bit of strength you have for yourself. Not to sort out idiots, who don’t want to accept you for who you are. You don’t have enough spoons for this. Choose who and what you want to fight for. Your mother made her choice a long time ago. And it wasn’t you or your child.

What’s all this business with brainwashing? Where does that come from?

It’s a very odd accusation to make.

Yes, I'd really like to know a bit more about this. I have a hunch it's about a bit more than just encouraging you to stand up for yourself. Your family sound awful, your son's birth father and paternal family sound really awful, I feel deeply sorry for your son being pulled emotionally from pillar to post like this, between warring parents and warring family members, it's no wonder he's so troubled.

You sound sane and decent, but there is something still troubling me.

Given what you've said about his birth father I am struggling to understand why your family (and your sister is a teacher so I am going to assume they are reasonably intelligent and well balanced people) would want to encourage your DS to have a relationship with his birth father and yet be so scathing of your DH, who on the face of it would appear to be a saint.....

You say 'He's not perfect, but who is?' Is there more to this?

Cross post. I’ve just read your post and the one from differentname. My mother was also abusive to me in childhood and facilitated the bullying. It is odd that your sister has turned out the way she is if your mother was such a good mother. No good mothers cry with joy when her other daughter gets in touch with her daughters mentally unstable, abusive ex. No good mother takes the ex’s side against their own child. No good grandmother would do this either.

This all sounds a terrible situation but, and I say this gently and with the greatest of respect, it does sound as though DS1 was in 'a mess' before he visited your DP. Running away, stealing, destroying things, breaking his stepfather's ribs indicate that he is seriously disturbed.

It cannot be at all easy for you, given your own ill health, and I feel very sorry for you. Are you able to access more help, especially with your son, as it sounds as though he is actually potentially quite dangerous.

@Mummyoflittledragon

Thanks for responding

My ex was lovely until he didn’t come home from a night out with his friends, then his mental health went into a full decline & he refused to get help. My family adored him - they obviously liked him more than me.
DS1 is similar to his birth Dad so they adore him whereas DS2 & DD1 are like hubby & I.

I also have ME, & my pelvis is separated and unstable- it took years for my parents to kind of accept it but my siblings don’t believe it’s real - they believe hubby has brainwashed me! 😡🤬😡
No amount of evidence will change their minds.

Who would live like this?!?!

I’m 45 & the last time I left my house was October for an appointment, my GP & district nurses now come here. I have to be helped to change my nightwear - which I live in! I have to be washed in the shower- if I’m lucky I manage every 7 to 10 days!
This is not fun or a choice!
I only manage the few steps to the toilet as I’m determined not to use my commode - I have to sometimes but if it’s at all possible I make it, my manual Wheelchair is to big for upstairs.

I’m sorry your brother was so vile & that you’ve had to cut most contact with your Mum.

You can obviously understand how badly this is Impacting my Health - I really wish you didn’t though- I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, & DS2 has it on the severe side of moderate 💔 he can’t attend school so has tutoring at home.

I’m desperate for sleep but in such a mess, I must try though.

Thank you XxX

Your mother fits the definition of a malignant narcissist, and the rest of the family seem like typical enablers, golden child, etc. All of the bullying and doing things behind your back that’s very harmful, then blaming you and playing that she’s the victim.
Good for you for going NC, and you should definitely keep it that way for the sake of your and your loved ones mental health and happiness. They will not change for the better, and will talk crap about you and your husband no matter what you do. Seems they are toxic and if anyone’s shortening your mum’s life span, it’s herself.

Ah you poor thing. . And your poor ds. I was terribly ill when dd was little. Never completely bed bound. I had to put dd in nursery and found the energy to take her there. I went to drive through McDonald’s for my lunch. Dh managed to stay working even though he cared for me a lot. I really hate this disease. It’s a living death.

As your dh is home, you have access to a chef. Low carb, high fat really helps me. I was also told to out the sugar as ME people apparently can’t process sugar properly. I eat meat three times a day and lots of vegetables. The body needs meat to repair. I’ve been eating too much carb and sugar and haven’t been able for about a year now because I was too ill to prepare 3 meals a day and craved sugar too badly to resist. But I’m just starting again. So crossed fingers I can lose a bit of weight and start to get some energy.

I also don’t have milk - I’m kind of ok with hard cheese. I also don’t eat gluten, I haven’t had a test for this. But I was told to cut it out as ME people have leaky gut. When I ate a pizza one time after having cut it out for 6 months, I felt quite ill so I know that’s bad for me. No pulses either, they’re too heavy on the stomach. Idk if any of this will help you and leave it up to you if you think it’s worth a try.

Have you had tests done for Celiac, on your thyroid, blood tests and particularly b12? Do you have any physio for your pelvis?

Sorry. I know this isn’t what the thread is all about. But I feel so sad for you. I also think cutting your family out will give you more time to focus on you and your children.

@AstridWhite

I think I may of answered some of your questions when I responded to Mummyoflittledragon.

I was mildly Ill before meeting hubby (probably since my teens) but have declined to the severe condition I’m now in. I’ve always been the odd one out having struggled with my weight since my teens - which In my family makes you less than human, my hubby was stocky when I met him - which didn’t go down well either!
We had been friends for 8months before we got together in the February & we married in August which my family weren’t happy about, my sister because she was pregnant & didn’t want to be big in the pictures!
We planned the wedding & married in 6 weeks!
Mum & sister came dress shopping with me & sister pushed me into a colour I didn’t really want - red, I loved the gold but she had a turn because her dress had been gold! She then wore a red dress & decided to make herself a bridesmaid walking behind me with my young nieces! I think that may tell you a little about her character!

Despite all the awful things she’s said, it was us who looked after her kids & was always helping out.

Hubby also isn’t a drinker - he has an occasional one but they view that as antisocial, but at Family dinners whilst everyone else had , had a few it was us that looked after the kids, cleared & washed up etc- not something the ‘men’ do.

He’s not a banter, rude joke, play fight sort of guy, he’s thoughtful, intelligent, caring & fun (just not insulting each other fun) so didn’t fit, he’s also ‘horror of horror’s’ from a working class background. (He had worked his way up to management.)

These are the things I think, that along with giving me confidence to go for my dream job - & getting it, plus confidence to stand up for myself have made them dislike him so much.

The ‘he’s not perfect’ is because at the moment he’s a bit grumpy & short on patience!
His Dad is dying & he goes over to care for him 2 days a week, DS1’s behaviour is really tough, DS2 & I are sick & he’s really worried about me. Living on benefits due to me being sick puts crazy financial stress on us, & quite a few other things I don’t need to disclose, I think give him the right to be a bit grumpy, if he wasn’t there would be something wrong!

As you can imagine this disaster is the last thing we needed & definitely the last thing DS1 needs

XX

@Mummyoflittledragon we are so similar- if I can & it’s ok I’ll pm you 💕

Ok that’s fine, I’ll read your pm. Just noticed your username so you do know.