I’ve ended contact with my family as they broke my trust & put my son in danger!

[SugarfreeBee]

Sorry long post
I would like your opinions please?

My eldest son is from my 1st marriage, when his Dad & I split up initially I spent a lot of time & effort facilitating contact & he would let DS1 down over & over, he would have him for the day & not feed him or change his bum so you can imagine the state he came home in.

I met someone & we got married- my ex hadn’t had contact for about 6months at that point but saw him under supervision, having previously threatened to abduct him, when he found out I’d remarried he threatened to murder my husband (not an idle threat) police were involved. He was incredibly mentally unstable & had been in trouble with the police.

We did however believe he should still see his son & spent a lot of money trying to arrange this safely - he refused.

We have been incredibly careful to keep our identity private & our son safe. My husband and I have had 2 more children.

Forward 13 years with no contact, my son has many AD, ADHD & AS symptoms & anxiety & this past 3 months in particular have been hell!
He’s vile to his Dad & I & has become quite violent (hubby’s got 2cracked ribs) breaking into abandoned buildings & causing damage, fighting, telling lies, being deceitful & we’ve always had issues with stealing. When he explodes he’s runs away.

We’ve worked so hard with him & when he’s out of the house (& sometimes in) he’s a lovely, caring charismatic, young man & everyone speaks so highly of him.

Anyway he’s been to my parents for a few days, he’s come back a mess.

My sister & brother have taken it upon themselves to find & contact my ex about DS1 - he’s had no contact for 13years - the last contact I’m aware of is 10 years ago when CSA caught up with him & took £200 so he phoned my Mum & asked her to ask me for it back- which she did!!!! He’s paid nothing since!
We have little contact with my siblings as me being seriously ill & bedbound is inconvenient, they blame my hubby they never liked him but loved my ex! They also don’t like my 2 children with my husband.

Whilst DS1 was staying with my parents they took it upon themselves to talk to DS1 about his birth Dad & tried to get him to contact him, telling him how much birth dad misses him!

They slated us- mostly his Dad but saying I’m brain washed not sick & that his Dad is abusive! They really don’t like him & praised birth Dad - who left me with a sick 4 month old whilst he went & had a one night stand! They told DS1 it was my fault as I expected too much of him!

My Mum & Dad were also aware of this, & Mum has spoken to my ex on the phone- something I told her I never wanted her to do!

They shared a lot of information with DS1 - lots of it wrong but also saw fit to share that his Granddad was murdered & there is a blood feud (Birth Dad is Eastern European) so now my son is scared he’s going to be murdered!

I’m so, so angry!

We’d taken advice & have plans in place for sharing & got photos ready for when he asks. He knows he can & is comfortable asking & telling me things. I’m really close with him, He’s a 5ft8 strapping lad & still gets into bed for cuddles & a chatwith me (I’m bed bound)

DS1 is so mixed up but thinks he does want some contact with birth Dad - which we always have told him we would facilitate when he was 18 if he wanted it.
We have said he can have contact via letter now but until he’s older meeting up isn’t an option.

He’s so fragile at the moment anyway- we are waiting on mental health team appointments.

I can’t believe my family did this!
He’s got GCSE’s coming up & his Grandad is dying - It couldn’t come at a worse time for him! (Or to be honest me! My Health is really fragile)

My Mum usually comes once a week, but I’ve told her & my siblings that they have lost us & to have no further contact.

They are now telling me I’m nasty & out of order & I’m going to kill my Mum!
They basically have made this about me being in the wrong!

What do you think?
Am I being unreasonable?

Do you please have some advice to help DS1 get through this next few weeks

Thank you

You poor dh. He really does have his hands full. My brother and sil are like this about me and alcohol. Alcohol makes me really ill and is toxic to my body and makes my chronic pain unbearable. Your family sounds divine. 🙄

@StiltonSupreme

DS1 has autistic & ADHD traits & also fits attachment disorder 😢
He’s also highly intelligent, which sadly makes getting him the help he needs really really hard.

He’s been having a really hard few months, and getting help isn’t easy, we are trying & waiting for a CAHMS appointment, but we’ve been here several times and never seem to get the help he needs which makes him even angrier that even though he’s crying out for help, he never gets it!

We’ve taught him techniques but Mum & Dad doing it & telling him to start doing them when he’s losing it with you doesn’t work 😢

CAHMS in the UK is a mess!

Op , when you speak about keeping your identity private, does that mean you are on some sort of witness protection scheme?

Sorry to hear that Bee, I hope things improve for you.

Sorry just realised that was a silly thing to ask as if you were then you obviously wouldn't able to say. Sounds like an aqful situation to be in but your son comes first, your doing the right thing x

The fact that they disregarded your wishes in terms of your child not having contact with his father was bad enough, but this?

They also have decided that I’m not really sick & he’s made me sick! I’ve got a neurological auto immune disease & broken pelvis.

These people are too irrational to be trusted around children. NC is absolutely the way to go. If they attempt to guilt trip you and/or you find it too hard to enforce that boundary for yourself, do it for the sake of your kids.

This is awful @op! The bit about them telling your ex that your husband is abusing ds1 is particularly stupid of them. They sound like a bunch of dangerously ignorant fuckwits tbh.

Going NC is definitely not U. I’d probably want to move house and not tell them where I lived!

This sounds similar (frighteningly so) to the situation I was in with my family and my ASD daughter. It doesn't get better. Manipulative arseholes like that never change.

I haven't had any contact with any of my family for three years now and it's the most content and peaceful I have ever been.

Your family's actions are disgusting, I would think NC is the only way forward

I've just burst into tears reading this.

I have a 13yo with asd who can be absolutely lovely and fine when he's coping but when he's not ......

I had this attitude from his old school and the mental and emotional drain it has can manifest in physical exhaustion. On top of your ME you must feel broken

Totally cut contact. You don't need these people in your life.

Have you thought of contacting charities for people with ME and seeing if they can help provide some counselling for DS? Or a Young carers charity?

They are horrific. Stay no contact and tell you son the truth. Your sister shouldnt be a teacher she is disgusting.

They are vile people, stay away from them.

Given what you've said about his birth father I am struggling to understand why your family ......would want to encourage your DS to have a relationship with his birth father and yet be so scathing of your DH, who on the face of it would appear to be a saint

My mother still asks about and still speaks fondly about my ex husband who regularly beat me and was finally convicted of assault against me. There are some very strange families around.

OP, I always say that your children learn from your example... if you don't want your kids to think it's OK to be treated like that, then you need to set the example of not accepting it yourself. I think NC is completely the right move, personally, but your family are going to find it hard to learn that they can no longer manipulate you so they'll find it hard to let go as it means they've lost 'power' (though they won't be consciously thinking this)

this is so hard. the very people who should be supporting you consistently pull the rug from under your feet - when you're already struggling so much.

stay nc as best you can. you're doing the right thing . and your dh sounds fab!

Op YANBU!
Your family are cunts, show and explain to your son the correct way to deal with people who mistreat you by cutting them off.

My parents hated my DH because he gave me the confidence to stand up to them.

You are better off without them.

Distraction is the best way to take his mind off it all I think, lots of family time - board games and films - are you able to play a board game in bed with your family?

Positive reinforcement....!!!!

My parents hated my DH because he gave me the confidence to stand up to them

Exactly this. They blamed him for everything - he was brainwashing us, pretending I had mental health problems etc etc when in actual fact all he did was give me the strength to walk away from their bollocks. And even if me and DH split up tomorrow they are the last people I would look to for help. Incredibly toxic, manipulative individuals. The fact they are family only makes it worse, it shouldn't make you feel more obliged to put up with it.

Sometimes no contact IS the right thing to do.

They most certainly have no right to get involved. It’s up to you what happens with your kids. I hate when family’s think because you are family they have a right to stick thier oar in.
My lil sisters dad is a waste man and when he found out my mum was pregnant he’d already go back to his ex whom he had a child with. I always hated him, so did my brother. Cue 13 years later and she asks about him. I just tell her you don’t need him you have all of us, you’ve made it this far without him. He wants nothing to do with her because his ex knows nothing about it. I have been tempted on many occasions to email her and tell her but didn’t because it’s not my place to do so.
I hate how your sister is trying to guilt trip you about your Mum.
That’s not right

Disloyal bunch of bastards. Cut them off without a second thought. They are happily compromising your families safety and destroying DSs mental health.

I would cut them all out permanently. If you're serious about your dh's life being in danger if your ex knows where you live then you need to move ASAP without ever telling your family your new whereabouts.

I would tell your mum that for the time being you want no contact and that it is because they have upset you son so much you need to put him first.
I wouldn't let her think it is forever. Point out the boundaries they have crossed. The food one is annoying I had this for a while with FIL until he saw the results once from giving him sweets with colourings. He didn't do it again!
You have an immense load on you as a family. Sorry CAHMS are being so slow. I know locally they are pretty. Swamped. Have you considered Barnados for support in the meantime they have some pretty well trained people. Or Mencap, they might be able to help with pushing forms through quicker. Is GP helpful in this area because as a family you need more support than someone with two parents that are physically well? Is there anyone at school who could talk things through with him? Does he get support in school? I know in Secondary they seem to get a lot less yet with hormones and re- wiring they need it more. Do they have a Nurture Group at school? The focus for schools at the moment is to be more proactive in Mental Health.
As for your sister I would just be asking her when did she get her degree re medical matters. If it is worth it could/ would GP speak to her as it is affecting your mental health by her being so... Bonkers! Perhaps she does have MH problems which might explain it but otherwise ???
I honestly don't know how you cope.
Lessen the stress. Even if it means going NC and I don't say that lightly!

DD(16) has ME and I know how hard it is to convince people that it's a genuine illness. You expect that most families in this situation would rally round and help with that. Yours disbelieve you and attack you. That should tell you a lot about what kind of people they are.

Added onto that, they are not supporting you with DS1 and have crossed some very clear boundaries.

If you need to, write a list of things you need from them, ie belief and support for your illness, support for how you want to parent DS etc and put the onus on them. If they can't agree to your reasonable requests (which they won't) the responsibility lies with them for that.

You'll not convince them you're right though. Just focus on looking after yourself and your family.

Thank you everyone for your responses & support.

I’m in a really bad way with constant anxiety attacks, especially when I try to sleep, it wells up& overwhelms me & when I do sleep it’s just nightmares.

I’m a mess whilst at the moment DS1 appears calm - he says under it all he’s really angry, which means we are likely to have a huge explosion!
My DH is just destroyed, he can’t understand why he’s being treated this way😢

What a nightmare.

At some point you have to give up expecting these people to behave in a loving and gentle way.

You have to put those shields up or you’re just constantly leaving yourself exposed to this kind of undermining and destructive behaviour.

How many years has it been? Why are you still giving yourself too them like biddable little sacrificial lambs?!

Time to stop I think, don’t you?

I know that sounds a bit mean, it’s so hard to do in reality, I know, I do. But you’re just too poorly and too stretched out with all these other stressful draining things in your life, to cope with this one source of egotistic drama that you can actually do something about.

It’s that acceptance prayer thingy isn’t it... having the power to change what you can actually change, and leave well alone what you can’t, and knowing the difference between the two? Sorry I don’t know the actual words of it.

But point is, only fight the things you have to fight, and spend your emotional and physical energy wisely...

I’m disabled with a chronic condition by the way, showed itself seven years ago, it’s ruined my life. Mainly bed bound, carers etc. So I have alot of heart for you and your difficult situation.