Sorry long post
I would like your opinions please?
My eldest son is from my 1st marriage, when his Dad & I split up initially I spent a lot of time & effort facilitating contact & he would let DS1 down over & over, he would have him for the day & not feed him or change his bum so you can imagine the state he came home in.
I met someone & we got married- my ex hadn’t had contact for about 6months at that point but saw him under supervision, having previously threatened to abduct him, when he found out I’d remarried he threatened to murder my husband (not an idle threat) police were involved. He was incredibly mentally unstable & had been in trouble with the police.
We did however believe he should still see his son & spent a lot of money trying to arrange this safely - he refused.
We have been incredibly careful to keep our identity private & our son safe. My husband and I have had 2 more children.
Forward 13 years with no contact, my son has many AD, ADHD & AS symptoms & anxiety & this past 3 months in particular have been hell!
He’s vile to his Dad & I & has become quite violent (hubby’s got 2cracked ribs) breaking into abandoned buildings & causing damage, fighting, telling lies, being deceitful & we’ve always had issues with stealing. When he explodes he’s runs away.
We’ve worked so hard with him & when he’s out of the house (& sometimes in) he’s a lovely, caring charismatic, young man & everyone speaks so highly of him.
Anyway he’s been to my parents for a few days, he’s come back a mess.
My sister & brother have taken it upon themselves to find & contact my ex about DS1 - he’s had no contact for 13years - the last contact I’m aware of is 10 years ago when CSA caught up with him & took £200 so he phoned my Mum & asked her to ask me for it back- which she did!!!! He’s paid nothing since!
We have little contact with my siblings as me being seriously ill & bedbound is inconvenient, they blame my hubby they never liked him but loved my ex! They also don’t like my 2 children with my husband.
Whilst DS1 was staying with my parents they took it upon themselves to talk to DS1 about his birth Dad & tried to get him to contact him, telling him how much birth dad misses him!
They slated us- mostly his Dad but saying I’m brain washed not sick & that his Dad is abusive! They really don’t like him & praised birth Dad - who left me with a sick 4 month old whilst he went & had a one night stand! They told DS1 it was my fault as I expected too much of him!
My Mum & Dad were also aware of this, & Mum has spoken to my ex on the phone- something I told her I never wanted her to do!
They shared a lot of information with DS1 - lots of it wrong but also saw fit to share that his Granddad was murdered & there is a blood feud (Birth Dad is Eastern European) so now my son is scared he’s going to be murdered!
I’m so, so angry!
We’d taken advice & have plans in place for sharing & got photos ready for when he asks. He knows he can & is comfortable asking & telling me things. I’m really close with him, He’s a 5ft8 strapping lad & still gets into bed for cuddles & a chatwith me (I’m bed bound)
DS1 is so mixed up but thinks he does want some contact with birth Dad - which we always have told him we would facilitate when he was 18 if he wanted it.
We have said he can have contact via letter now but until he’s older meeting up isn’t an option.
He’s so fragile at the moment anyway- we are waiting on mental health team appointments.
I can’t believe my family did this!
He’s got GCSE’s coming up & his Grandad is dying - It couldn’t come at a worse time for him! (Or to be honest me! My Health is really fragile)
My Mum usually comes once a week, but I’ve told her & my siblings that they have lost us & to have no further contact.
They are now telling me I’m nasty & out of order & I’m going to kill my Mum!
They basically have made this about me being in the wrong!
What do you think?
Am I being unreasonable?
Do you please have some advice to help DS1 get through this next few weeks
Thank you