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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New guy and what happened last night

65 replies

amithebitch · 23/02/2018 10:20

I want to know if I’m BU in regards to a guy Iv been seeing for about a month. I’ve known him for about a year through other friends and been to bbqs, parties seen him spoken to him etc. We were seeing each other for a few months last year just just sex nothing else. I ended it wasn’t feeling it anymore nothing specific just felt it ran its course.

Fast forward, met up again about a month ago been seeing each other since. There’s been talk of things getting “serious” but I want to take things slow, we get on well have kids the same age (they’ve met at the parties and other social events last year and get along well and have see each other when we, parents, haven’t been seeing each other) All good but what’s the rush right?

We spent a lot of last week together. I decided not to see so much of him this week. We decided on Thursday for him to come and stay over. I suggested we go out for dinner (with my child) then go home and it would have been bed time for my child. We met for dinner he had his child with him. He lives a half hour drive from me so I said it would have been easier if we met over his side because now he has to drop his child home and it’s going to be late by the time he does that and gets back to mine.

Then he says his child is going to stay at his house tonight now because he hasn’t see the child since Monday and really missed them. Fair enough, however it’s his weekend with his child and they will be staying with him from tonight, fri-mon.

He then text me when I got home saying he misses me already and he should have dropped his child home but he really missed them. I replied it’s not that he should have dropped them home. It that he didn’t bother to tell me he’s changed our plans.

It’s really put me off him tbh and left me wondering if this is how it's going to be? I haven’t been replying to his texts promptly like I used to.

AIBU to be slightly annoyed that he just changes our plans last minute without telling me and with no apology?

He's going to call me at lunch time I don't know what to say to him

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 23/02/2018 10:23

It's difficult. I would hate to live apart from my child and I have to say if I had the opportunity to have them spend the night I would always grab it.

hattyhighlighter · 23/02/2018 10:25

TBh if you're dating and you've both got dcs you need to be flexible
I wouldn't take dcs on dates and get them involved at this early stage
I can't see why you're off with him really. Wanting to spend time with his child sounds like a good thing Confused

Original poster
amithebitch · 23/02/2018 10:30

For context. He lives 2 minutes from
His child and sees them regularly. He can go and get them from the mums houses whenever he chooses. Literally he will text and say he's outside to get them for the night with no notice. He lives with his mum and sister and they regularly have the child too so there's no lack of contact.

I just don't get why he didn't bother telling me that that's what he wanted to do?

That's my issue not his contact with his kid. That's one of things that attracted me to him in the first place. He's an amazing father

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 23/02/2018 10:33

Sorry, just re-read it. Yes, he had a date with you and he should have kept to it. You have your own life - if you set aside an evening to be with him and he agrees, then that's what should happen, otherwise he's just messing you around.

lycoperdun · 23/02/2018 10:37

I think maybe you are not really into him. Not enough for a relationship and it is bound to be more complicated with kids involved.

Is it really worth carrying on with him?

beepthemeep · 23/02/2018 10:39

It shows he's a good dad and puts his kid ahead of himself. Imagine if your child didn't live with you - would you take the chance of an extra night together?

I would only start to see it as a bad thing if he starts messing you around regularly with plans, to be honest. I wouldn't let this put me off at first.

If you can't help it, talk to him. Don't play games, even unintentionally, by not texting him etc. That might put him off you!

beepthemeep · 23/02/2018 10:41

Oh, just seen the update.

I think maybe talk to him then? Tell him how you felt about it and see if he improves.

bettytaghetti · 23/02/2018 10:48

So you had your child with you but resent him bringing along his? Perhaps he thought it would be more fun that way for your DC?

Original poster
amithebitch · 23/02/2018 10:50

No Betty. Not at all!!

OP posts:
Valentinesfart · 23/02/2018 10:57

AIBU to be slightly annoyed that he just changes our plans last minute without telling me and with no apology

I think you are a bit. That's just parenting isn't it?

Valentinesfart · 23/02/2018 10:58

I don't think his location is relevant if life had meant he hadn't seen his child since Monday and they both wanted to see each other he made the right decision.

MacaroniPenguin · 23/02/2018 10:58

So he still met up with you but just didn't stay over afterwards, because he had his child staying over. And he told you this when you were out at the meal together (with both children) rather than beforehand. Is that right?

If so I think you're over reacting a bit to be honest. He did keep the "date", just bailed on sleeping over. And you had your child there so reasonable for him to bring his.

It's a bit annoying but I think it can be easily resolved and it's not worth getting worked up over as a one off.

MacaroniPenguin · 23/02/2018 10:59

... unless I have misunderstood the situation, which is quite possible as I found it a bit confusing.

UpstartCrow · 23/02/2018 11:00

Have I understood this?
It was his weekend to have his child.
He didn't tell you until the last minute.
He said he should have taken his child home and spent time with you instead, but didn't because he really missed them.

Instead of being assertive and saying 'Its my weekend to have my child' up front and making arrangements around that, he is pussyfooting around. Its not that he really missed his child, its that it was his weekend to have them. Thats his responsibility.
Its irrelevant that he can see them at any time at short notice. It's not the point. He's a parent and has parental responsibility. You both need to sort out your dates around that.

Draylon · 23/02/2018 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Valentinesfart · 23/02/2018 11:04

Am with you on this one and am, as ever hmm about people who apparently can't RTFP before launching in.

Why do you assume we haven't read the paragraph because we don't agree? Hmm

upstart this was the thursday not the Friday. (the day before his weekend, it was a last minute decision).

Valentinesfart · 23/02/2018 11:06

It's great that he's a great dad, but if he wants to be a great partner, he needs to not mess you around.

Part of being a great dad is realising your child needs you then and putting that before a date. Especially a date who the week before decided that she didn't want to see as much of you this week.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/02/2018 11:06

What was he like last year when you were FB?

I tend to think that if you were FB & it ‘ran its course’ then you didn’t see each other for months & a month in he's annoying you, it’s probably not the relationship for you. Maybe he wants you as a FB but thinks you won’t accept that so is either leading you on or genuinely trying to force a relationship whilst not quite feeling it?

Rattymama · 23/02/2018 11:08

Why are you getting your kids involved if you aren't sure at all and there's only talk of things getting serious Confused

hattyhighlighter · 23/02/2018 11:09

Surely the scenario is, you went out on a 'date' him with his kid you with yours. Then both went home with your own kid. I really don't see the drama. If you want a 'sleepover' then do a kid free date?
If you're not sure about this bloke, is it really a good idea to have him staying the night when your dc is there anyway?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/02/2018 11:10

Part of being a great dad is realising your child needs you then and putting that before a date

Fine. But then you pick up the phone and you tell your date the plans have changed. You don’t just turn up and tell them during the date.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 23/02/2018 11:12

Am I reading it correctly, you have been seeing him a month and he stays over when your child is There?

Valentinesfart · 23/02/2018 11:16

Fine. But then you pick up the phone and you tell your date the plans have changed. You don’t just turn up and tell them during the date.

Sounds like that's when he realised it. They did have a date, the Op didn't get laid and had to drive to his side of town instead of the other way around.

TheBakeryQueen · 23/02/2018 11:16

You sound like you enjoy being the one in control. Cooling it off last year then deciding to start seeing him again.

Seeing him lots last week but not wanting to this week.

The second he may have needs/wants that don't 100% suit you, you sound put out.

You're talking all casually and 'what's the rush right?' but don't like it when your wants come second to his child's for once.

That's what is coming across to me anyway.

kubex · 23/02/2018 11:16

You say you're not in any rush with this guy and that you decided to see less of him this week - but then you're kicking off about him not strying over at yours?!

You went out for dinner, as planned, he just went to his home with his child, instead of to your home with you and your child.

You're being massively unreasonable and i'm betting that if this post was written by a guy about a woman choosing to go home with her child instead, more people would agree with me.

He probably didn't even realise you would be annoyed because of your casual attitude towards him anyway.

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