New guy and what happened last night

[amithebitch]

I want to know if I’m BU in regards to a guy Iv been seeing for about a month. I’ve known him for about a year through other friends and been to bbqs, parties seen him spoken to him etc. We were seeing each other for a few months last year just just sex nothing else. I ended it wasn’t feeling it anymore nothing specific just felt it ran its course.

Fast forward, met up again about a month ago been seeing each other since. There’s been talk of things getting “serious” but I want to take things slow, we get on well have kids the same age (they’ve met at the parties and other social events last year and get along well and have see each other when we, parents, haven’t been seeing each other) All good but what’s the rush right?

We spent a lot of last week together. I decided not to see so much of him this week. We decided on Thursday for him to come and stay over. I suggested we go out for dinner (with my child) then go home and it would have been bed time for my child. We met for dinner he had his child with him. He lives a half hour drive from me so I said it would have been easier if we met over his side because now he has to drop his child home and it’s going to be late by the time he does that and gets back to mine.

Then he says his child is going to stay at his house tonight now because he hasn’t see the child since Monday and really missed them. Fair enough, however it’s his weekend with his child and they will be staying with him from tonight, fri-mon.

He then text me when I got home saying he misses me already and he should have dropped his child home but he really missed them. I replied it’s not that he should have dropped them home. It that he didn’t bother to tell me he’s changed our plans.

It’s really put me off him tbh and left me wondering if this is how it's going to be? I haven’t been replying to his texts promptly like I used to.

AIBU to be slightly annoyed that he just changes our plans last minute without telling me and with no apology?

He's going to call me at lunch time I don't know what to say to him

I rarely have childfree nights should I not try to have a relationship until my child has left home?

You get a babysitter like any other competent adult, what you don't do is bring your kid on dates with your fuck buddy turned boyfriend of a month.

Yes he could've given you more notice but he didn't drop you as such, just didn't come to yours at the end of the date because he wanted to see his child. Do you think he was hoping you'd invite him and his child over to stay?

Anyway, all this is resolved by you saying 'I didn't like it when you changed the plan last minute, would you mind letting me know sooner next time please or at least apologising for changing plans?'.

I still stand by my earlier post, you sound wrong footed because all of a sudden you weren't the one in charge and for some reason you really don't like this.

I also think you're overreacting to what he did (or didn't do). He sounds nice!

He's not the one coming across as UR here, really.

He prioritises his child. That's good. But it sounds as if it may be something you struggle with, so ending it is probably best- for him, for his child, for you. If you're going to get into this sort of strop every time he decides, without what you consider to be sufficient notice to you, that time with his child comes before sleeping with you, things are going to go badly.

I think YABU. If you have a problem you should just to tell him what it is rather than sulk and not reply to his texts promptly. I think it's a bit childish to be honest.
He did come to the date he just didn't stay over because of his child.
Did he maybe think he could bring said child to your's so the kids could have a sleepover? If i'm honest i think involving the children is a bit early at this stage. It might be a good idea to find a trusty babysitter and go out with him on your own.
Good luck OP!

If this was written by a man imagine the replies

This man said he would take his child to his own home rather than drive 30 mins across town to drop him with his mother, after which he'd need to drive 30 mins back to the OP. The man and his ex live 2 mins from each other.

On the one hand it sounds as if he didn't want to do a 1 hr round trip at the end of which was the 'reward' of a night of passion with the OP.

On the other he maybe just wanted a quiet night in with his son. He even phoned the OP to say he missed her once he was home.

Both of you OP need to stop taking kids on dates in the evenings especially. Do your dating in childfree time.

If you want to take kids with you, make it a kids' event with clear boundaries of how you behave with each other. You are not an established couple, so your DCs should not be part of your dates at the moment.

I think YANBU OP.

I don't think it's unreasonable that romantic (possibly) night after your DC had gone to bed turned into a bog standard playdate with another dad. He had made plans that would include seeing you alone and that was scuppered without any warning. of course you'd be disappointed and think he wasn't bothered about seeing you alone when he had the chance (and with kids between you both, it's not going to be easy so opportunities should/could be taken whilst they can?!)

You had a date sorted out, he should have let you know in advance he was bringing his DC unexpectedly as it changed the plans and turned it into a different kind of date. Obviously he shouldn't have not had his DC but a heads up to you would have shown he understood it wasn't going to be the romantic date you might have had in mind, (and he would have enjoyed/looked forward to) changed with him having to then take his DC home afterwards and then not staying the night.

With kids on both sides, there's going to be teething problems so I would keep an eye on it - I can see what you're saying - but I'd let this go for now. But I don't think you're being unreasonable to have wanted preferably the night as arranged, or for him to have let you know plans had changed and although it goes without saying he'd jump at the chance to have his DC an extra night, he would also regret missing out on a date night with you.

unreasonable that you're disappointed that* a romantic night...

It doesn't sound that big a deal really.
From your second post I'd say he is impulsive and not very good at making plans. I.e. Just turns up to collect his children without planning with his ex in advance. I'd find that a bit annoying. But not a complete deal breaker.
It all sounds a bit cerebral, you want to see him, but then not so much.

He didn't cancel your date he just cancelled the sex.

I do think you need to be a bit flexible. Anyway I'm sure he doesn't see it as a serious relationship given that you ditched him last year and cooled it this week. He's probably protecting himself from getting hurt.

It’s not like he stood you up - he went to dinner with you.

He probably assumed you’d be fine with him not stopping at yours afterwards because you have a child, so surely you’d understand that plans can change last minute.

It sounds like you’re annoyed because you expected to get laid, then didn’t because he prioritised his child over sex.

You’re not the first parent to start a new relationship. Taking the kids out as friends is fine, but having fuck buddies over to the house when your child isn’t. You can get a babysitter, or date on your rare free nights, just like other responsible adults in this situation do.

How was he before at making plans? I'd judge on that.

I think the fact that he wanted to see you even though there was no sex on the cards is a good sign, if you do want to pursue a relationship.

Not your question but to echo others you have been seeing each other for a month and you are already involving the children. This seems very very rushed.

Suggest you get a babysitter for the next few dates just you and him and see how it goes

Kids. They just come first. They do.

Reading between the lines, you're not that into him. That's my take anyway. Also, you seem to want everything on your terms.

YANBU in my eyes.
To me it's not the fact that he had the child with him, but the lack of information about the last minute change of plans.
Then your update states he does the same thing to the childrens mother. Decides he's missing them and wants to see them at the drop of a hat at short notice and expects them to be ready when he rings to say he's on his way over.
As the kids get older that is not going to go down well as they will have social lives they will also want to plan during the times he doesn't have contact.
This is someone who although caring is going to be selfish and expect everyone to fit around his plans and doesn't see why he should have to let people know in advance if he's changing them.

I don't think either of you is really that into the other, frankly. If you were, the FWB thing from last year would not have fizzled out.

I would love to know how old the children are because as the PP says, children who are perhaps older than 4 or 5 are not going to want their own social lives messed with by dads turning up at any old time to see them.

I also wonder what's in it for two young kids to be taken out to 'dinner' with 2 adults on a 'date'. A date to me is a date for 2 people, with some emotional intimacy and getting to know each other. How can you do this is you are each looking after young DCs?

Dragging young kids along on dates is really a no-no unless the activity is for them and something 'fun'.