New guy and what happened last night

[amithebitch]

I want to know if I’m BU in regards to a guy Iv been seeing for about a month. I’ve known him for about a year through other friends and been to bbqs, parties seen him spoken to him etc. We were seeing each other for a few months last year just just sex nothing else. I ended it wasn’t feeling it anymore nothing specific just felt it ran its course.

Fast forward, met up again about a month ago been seeing each other since. There’s been talk of things getting “serious” but I want to take things slow, we get on well have kids the same age (they’ve met at the parties and other social events last year and get along well and have see each other when we, parents, haven’t been seeing each other) All good but what’s the rush right?

We spent a lot of last week together. I decided not to see so much of him this week. We decided on Thursday for him to come and stay over. I suggested we go out for dinner (with my child) then go home and it would have been bed time for my child. We met for dinner he had his child with him. He lives a half hour drive from me so I said it would have been easier if we met over his side because now he has to drop his child home and it’s going to be late by the time he does that and gets back to mine.

Then he says his child is going to stay at his house tonight now because he hasn’t see the child since Monday and really missed them. Fair enough, however it’s his weekend with his child and they will be staying with him from tonight, fri-mon.

He then text me when I got home saying he misses me already and he should have dropped his child home but he really missed them. I replied it’s not that he should have dropped them home. It that he didn’t bother to tell me he’s changed our plans.

It’s really put me off him tbh and left me wondering if this is how it's going to be? I haven’t been replying to his texts promptly like I used to.

AIBU to be slightly annoyed that he just changes our plans last minute without telling me and with no apology?

He's going to call me at lunch time I don't know what to say to him

I can't understand why you each bring along your (young? ) DCs on dates.

How does each of your former partners regard their child being exposed to new boyfriends/ girlfriends all the time?

If you want to date seriously and get to know someone, surely you each need to find child care, date without children around and introduce your children to each other much further down the line.

Otherwise what kind of message are you giving to your children that there (may be) a constant stream of men staying over at their home, with you?

It is much more grown up and sensible to keep dates apart from DCs in the early days.

Yabvu, incredibly so.

So, according to you he wanted to have his child stay over last night but shouldn’t have wanted that because he’s going to see the child at the weekend? Is that how you view someone’s relationship with their children? How dare they Want to see their children more than they currently do.

You’ve been shagging this bloke for around a month and already you think that he should put you ahead of his child even though yours lives with you so you don’t get what it is to only see your children on a schedule.

You’re not cut out to be in a relationship with a man who has kids. Walk away now for both your sakes and for the sake of the children who didn’t ask for someone like you to be in their father’s life.

That's what is coming across to me anyway.

Me too.

Also if someone wrote

"I went out with my children and my boyfriend (and his kids) for dinner last night. I realised that dc were missing me (and me them) so I said I wouldn't go back to his after all, now he has the hump as I've changed plans he didn't get laid"

Op would get very different responses I think.

It’s pretty bad that your both bringing you dcs together when you aren’t even remotely serious? Care and attention should be considered when starting relationships when both have dc.

I also think you need to think about why after a year of 'only sex' with him it now seems as if he is a more attractive proposition for something more serious.

You each sound rather young.

Are you?

Chaos The OP said they had been together some time ago for a year but it was 'only for the sex'.

I don't understand how he now seems Mr Wonderful OP when you say the shagging thing had run its course and you didn't want to carry on.

You are coming over as a bit of sex pest who wants this guy for sex at your beck and call, at your home, and are miffed he decided to allow his DC to stay with him instead.

I think you need to construct some very clear boundaries around who you expose your DC to, how you manage a sexual relationship at home with DC around, and start putting your child first.

My issues is the lack of communication. Have your child to stay that's fine. But why not tell me that was your intention when we spoke earlier in the day and we had already made plans?

Yes he stays when my child is at home in bed. We take our kids out on playdates and the cinema too he's a not a stranger I know him my friends and family know him. I rarely have childfree nights should I not try to have a relationship until my child has left home? 😒

Thank you Draylon. That's my point!

There is a chunk missing from your post (unless I didn't see one of your updates) but I think it matters why he had his child with him and how much notice he had (assuming this was unexpected). If he knew all along that he was looking after his child on Thursday and didn't tell you then YANBU. If it was a last minute emergency and there was no other way around it then YABU a bit but I see why it's annoying.

Just think that if you're making such a mountain out of this then god knows how you'll be when it's actually serious life stuff that's at stake. DH would have been kicked into the long grass a long time ago if I was like you! (and vice versa!)

Yes he stays when my child is at home in bed. I rarely have childfree nights should I not try to have a relationship until my child has left home?

So you think cos your child is in bed they don't know you have a man in your bed? HOW old are they? Does he see him in the house in the morning?

This was a guy you shagged with no strings for a year- presumably at your home and his. You say it had run its course. Now he's back, a month in, and you are whining that he had a change of heart about asking his DC to stay over.

Maybe he's just not that into you? Or perhaps he's putting his child first. maybe something you should do too?

He made plans with me then changed them without telling me and no apology. That's my issues. Just assumed I'd be ok with it. I don't care if you need to changes the plans because of your child or the queens coming for tea. You tell people you're changing the plans! Or am a crazy??

You should keep your kids separate from someone you've been seeing for such a short time, rare child free nights or not.

Your plans were changed either last night or today for your date tonight. (You've not explained it that clearly...)

So why the big deal?

It's Friday morning. The staying over at yours was tonight. He's given you some notice. He decided as it's a Friday and it's his weekend with his child, it makes more sense for his child to stay over tonight.

How does it matter that much?

You are miffed he has chosen an extra evening with his DC rather than coming back to your house for sex.

He puts his child first. He’s a good father. This is a good thing surely? Don’t make him choose. You’ll lose.

He made plans with me then changed them without telling me and no apology.

We decided on Thursday for him to come and stay over. I suggested we go out for dinner (with my child) then go home and it would have been bed time for my child. We met for dinner he had his child with him. He lives a half hour drive from me so I said it would have been easier if we met over his side because now he has to drop his child home and it’s going to be late by the time he does that and gets back to mine.

Then he says his child is going to stay at his house tonight now because he hasn’t see the child since Monday and really missed them. Fair enough, however it’s his weekend with his child and they will be staying with him from tonight, fri-mon.

Sorry but do you mean he was supposed to stay at yours last night - or tonight? Your posts really confusing..

Why do you say he hasn't told you? If you were going to see him tonight and he has changed his plans well, he HAS told you as it's not yet evening - it's not even midday. I'm confused about your timings here.

If it's the sleeping over tonight that's not happening, he HAS told you!

Dating another parent whilst you are a parent is going to be tough.

Decided whether you want to continue seeing him, and appreciate that as a parent, plans often have to adapt to family dynamics. I know you know that, but I’m just reminding you of how many times we all have to change initial plans to fit in with family/kids.

From my point of view, it’s nice that he does put his children first, lots of guys would drop their child for the chance of a leg over!

If I was talking to you face to face as my mate, I’d say this.... don’t give up, he does sound promising.

Or he told you over dinner that he was taking his child home with him? Sorry but the tenses of your post are all over the place and it's hard to work out if you mean yesterday or today.

In any case he's entitled to change his mind at any time and put his child first. You had dinner, you just didn't get the sex you were expecting.

You need to lighten up.

Tell him you prefer him to be upfront and honest about his plans. It may be that he has problems dealing with conflict to leaves telling people til the last minute.

You don’t bring your fwb into your child’s life, you just don’t. You both have entangled two dc into your lives who haven’t a clue who you both really are to each other. I wouldn’t be impressed if I was the ex and my ex was going out with his fwb and my child and her child. When you have dc I don’t think it’s right to carry out such type of relationships in full view of your dc. Either you form proper relationships by arranging babysitters and then when it’s estbalished over a long period of time you start to introduce them to your dc. Is your dc going to be subject to every fwb you have?

He should have stayed over Thursday night if I read correctly. He changed his mind over dinner from sounds of it.

This all sounds like far too much hardwork. If anyone tried to put themselves before my DC’s, I’d kick them into touch

He should have stayed over Thursday night if I read correctly. He changed his mind over dinner from sounds of it.

If that's the case you ABVVU OP.

Look this is a guy you have no meaningful relationship with (yet.) He was a FWB for a year and still is more or less.

The fact your DCs see other at parties or wherever is not the point.

Are you so much of a diva that you can't cope with a dad telling you he'd rather his child stayed over with him that evening as it formed part of the M-F regime they have?

What does missing out on sex for ONE night matter to you so much?

You need as others have said to separate out your dating from children and also see that plans can change last minute when people have children; you aren't owed an apology. He didn't cancel your date he just cancelled the sex.

I’m really quite confused but either way I just don’t see how it’s a big deal.

Either you are claiming he ditched date night last night, which it doesn’t seem like he did as he came to dinner just didn’t come back to yours afterwards. No big deal and as it stands I would think he still kept to the basic plan by coming to dinner. As a bonus your child got company.

Or you are claiming he was meant to come over tonight but is not as he is now having his child over. In which case he has given you a days notice of change in plan so not unreasonable. If it was to go and get stonkered with mates I may agree you have a valid gripe but to spend the night with his child, I think that’s a good thing.

Again, either way I’m just not seeing a sky falling in issue or indeed any issue really.

They were fwb for a year they met last year and were fwb for aFEW months!