Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP's hobbies

60 replies

Boxingdaydisappoints · 23/02/2018 10:07

DP has lots of interests and hobbies. My idea of a good hobby is a nap!! We share a home and most of the chores and we both work long full time. I don't disagree with him spending time on his hobby but is this situation unreasonable or is it me?

Last Saturday - hobby all day
Sunday - his children with us, he went to cinema with them and dinner after. We'd fallen out so I didn't go - I know I could have gone.
Tuesday - hobby after work until midnight
Wednesday - hobby after work until 10pm
Thursday - I worked until 9.40pm, he was tired and wanted to go to bed as soon as I got in.
Today - I have a very rare day off, he knew this and has spare holiday, but he's at work.

With the exception of Sunday, AIBU?

OP posts:
Maatsuyker · 23/02/2018 10:09

You both should have an equal amount of down time. It's not important what you do in your own time.

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 23/02/2018 10:12

It is important if you're in a relationship with someone but never get to see them surely? Shouldn't some time be spent together doing coupley type things?

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 23/02/2018 10:13

Seems like a lot of time to spend on a hobby alright, I'm really curious what it is now. Do you have kids? It's definitely U if you do

araiwa · 23/02/2018 10:14

Im not surprised he goes out if your idea of a hobby is napping.

Is it just the 2 of you?

dantdmistedious · 23/02/2018 10:16

What are all these mysterious hobbies on mumsnet?? Gaming is the only think of in this instance.

It seems over the top, and very dull if you don't share this hobby.

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 23/02/2018 10:16

The napping bit was a joke!!

He has children, I don't. I'm not sure why you would think it's unreasonable if we had kids but not if we don't?

The hobbies are different sports.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 23/02/2018 10:17

The sports are out of the house, definitely not gaming.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 23/02/2018 10:18

He has children, I don't. I'm not sure why you would think it's unreasonable if we had kids but not if we don't?

I didn't say it wasn't unreasonable if you don't but it would certainly be alot more unreasonable if you did because then you would be doing all the childcare on your own rather than just being on your own if you get my drift? Obviously you're going to want time to be a couple though too, i get that

DeathStare · 23/02/2018 10:18

So one day at weekend and two nights per week. If you don't have DC that doesn't sound too excessive. If you do have DC then it does sound a bit much - unless he is also giving you a weekend day and two nights a week completely off childcare duties.

You need to find yourself something to do that you enjoy when he isn't there - even if that is napping.

And I do think you're a bit unreasonable expecting him to take a day's annual leave just because you have the day off, unless you have something planned. To be honest (unless you have DC or another mutual commitment that he's leaving to you while he's out with his hobbies) then you sound a bit over-reliant on him for company.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/02/2018 10:19

Ah, the mysterious "hobbies"

Unless he's an Olympic bob sleigh competitor I'm sure actually naming the sport wouldn't be too outing

Anyway, I think YAB a bit U yes. It seems like you can chose when to engage or not, but he can't.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/02/2018 10:20

And also what DeathStare said too.

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 23/02/2018 10:21

I have friends and interests myself, but would like to spend time with him alone. When he's out during the week I'm usually at home alone as after work and dinner I just want to crash infront of the tv, preferably with him.

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 23/02/2018 10:21

Considering he's not leaving you to look after his children, I don't think two nights a week and one weekend day is all that bad. It might make it easier if you plan the coupley things you want to do together so you know that time is booked, and he won't plan anything else for that's night/day. It's not unreasonable of him to plan to do his hobbies if the only other thing planned is sitting in front of the telly doing nothing.

DeathStare · 23/02/2018 10:21

I'm not sure why you would think it's unreasonable if we had kids but not if we don't?

Because there is a huge difference between leaving you - an independent adult - to entertain yourself two nights and one weekend day per week, and leaving a child's other parent to take sole responsibility for all childcare duties two nights and one weekend day per week, unless there is an arrangement that the other parent also gets this time off on different days.

DeathStare · 23/02/2018 10:26

I have friends and interests myself, but would like to spend time with him alone
This last week you had:
Sunday - could have spent time with him and his DC but you chose not to
Monday night
Thursday night - YOU worked late. Not his fault.
Tonight

So plenty of (potential) time to spend with him

When he's out during the week I'm usually at home alone as after work and dinner I just want to crash infront of the tv, preferably with him
But that's not what he wants to do every night. At the moment he gets two nights of what he wants and you get three nights of what you want. sounds fair to me.

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 23/02/2018 10:26

The hobbies are squash,tennis, golf and snooker, all played in leagues, etc on different nights.

Given he's spent a lot of time out of the house and has annual leave to use up before the end of his leave year in march, we could have planned a day off together. Surely that's not too demanding?

I'm very independent and not reliant on him for anything financial or otherwise, but I chose to be in this relationship to see him not to be apart most of the time. Regardless of whether we have kids or not.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 23/02/2018 10:26

I agree. If the options are hobby v crap TV I'd take the hobby any time.

I do get what you ate saying OP but you have 5 other nights a week to watch TV together and half of the weekend. And you chose to sulk and not spend time with him on Sunday so...

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 23/02/2018 10:27

I haven't pointed out for fear of being flamed that the nights he's home we have his children here. We rarely get anytime alone. Standby for being told they come first, and I'm selfish.

OP posts:
APontypandyPioneer · 23/02/2018 10:28

Exactly what deathstare said.

I agree that one day and two evenings isn't excessive for a hobby if you don't have children at home.

Maybe you can find a joint interest to share on one of the days he is hobbying and also find something to fill your time that you enjoy? Maybe plan a date night once a week? What I would give for the free time though, so maybe that colours my view somewhat.

If you have a day off he doesn't have to be off too when you have other times you can share together. I understand you both work full time but you have the other evenings and weekends to share.

I'm always curious about other people's hobbies for some reason, but I suppose that's a whole different thread...

DeathStare · 23/02/2018 10:32

Given he's spent a lot of time out of the house and has annual leave to use up before the end of his leave year in march, we could have planned a day off together. Surely that's not too demanding?

But did you say to him "Hey DP. I have a day off on Friday. If you could get the day off too we could go out for the day to X"

If you said that to him and he said no without any reason then he's being unreasonable. If you expected him to read your mind that you would like that, then you are being unreasonable.

APontypandyPioneer · 23/02/2018 10:33

I posted before seeing the evenings he is home his children are with you.

In that case you need to try and plan activities just the two of you. But I'm sure you must have known he had children before getting in a relationship so in some respect you need to get over the fact that he has the commitment to care for them. They do come first. Enjoy time together as a family.

Nanny0gg · 23/02/2018 10:33

So, I assume the priority order is:

His children
His hobbies
You

You should be above hobbies.

MagicFajita · 23/02/2018 10:39

I don't think either of you are unreasonable. You have every right to crash after work and he sounds like a responsible and consistent father that likes his sport.

I can see that it must be frustrating that you have little time together though. When you speak to him I'd go from that angle., as that's the real issue here.

What about a 'date' night or some planned day trips? If he's reluctant then that's a problem as everyone deserved a partner that has time for them.

duckponds · 23/02/2018 10:41

OP can’t you go along to his hobbies or get involved yourself? Or find your own hobby?

I may be biased here but both I and my partner have the same hobby (also a sport) so we often do it together and it’s one of our main topics of conversation other than our children. I personally am not sure how you can have a great relationship if you have nothing in common and if I was with someone who wanted to ‘crash in front of the TV’ instead I would run a mile I’m afraid.

DeathStare · 23/02/2018 10:42

How long have you been together OP? And has this always been the situation? How did you meet/get together if he spends all his time split between his hobbies (which you don't do) and his DC?

Swipe left for the next trending thread