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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP's hobbies

60 replies

Boxingdaydisappoints · 23/02/2018 10:07

DP has lots of interests and hobbies. My idea of a good hobby is a nap!! We share a home and most of the chores and we both work long full time. I don't disagree with him spending time on his hobby but is this situation unreasonable or is it me?

Last Saturday - hobby all day
Sunday - his children with us, he went to cinema with them and dinner after. We'd fallen out so I didn't go - I know I could have gone.
Tuesday - hobby after work until midnight
Wednesday - hobby after work until 10pm
Thursday - I worked until 9.40pm, he was tired and wanted to go to bed as soon as I got in.
Today - I have a very rare day off, he knew this and has spare holiday, but he's at work.

With the exception of Sunday, AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Boxingdaydisappoints · 23/02/2018 10:44

Thanks all. Nanny has hit the nail on the head, children first - yes I get that, but surely I should come above hobbies? He split with his children's mum over what was probably his his selfish behaviour, he always said she was lazy, he probably says the same about me!

OP posts:

Original poster

Boxingdaydisappoints · 23/02/2018 10:46

We've been together almost four years. He put his sports on hold a bit for the first year. Dropped out of a snooker league and played less squash and golf. I also lived separate at first so it didn't seem to matter so much.

OP posts:

PatsyClineSilVousPlait · 23/02/2018 10:48

Make some specific plans for interesting things to do when you've got free time together, and get some outside interests so you're not bored when he's out.

duckponds · 23/02/2018 10:49

I don’t understand why he should put his sports on hold for you?! It sounds like it is an integral part of his life. If someone made me give up my sports I would lose half my identity, and would feel utterly miserable. Which would then not make me a very nice person to be around!

Most sports have social aspects to them as well, do you (or could you) go along to the social events?

Trinity66 · 23/02/2018 10:52

I haven't pointed out for fear of being flamed that the nights he's home we have his children here. We rarely get anytime alone. Standby for being told they come first, and I'm selfish.

Of course you're not selfish to want to spend some time alone with him, this makes even more sense why you're annoyed imo. Like you feel like you're not a priority on his list?

MagicFajita · 23/02/2018 10:53

I can see how it's easy to not see a hobby as an issue when you're first together op , it's when you move in together etc that you begin to see how a person spends their time.

I hope there's a compromise.

Original poster

Boxingdaydisappoints · 23/02/2018 10:58

Thanks so much everyone, you have genuinely helped. There are some good suggestions. MN at its best!

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Nikephorus · 23/02/2018 11:10

When he's out during the week I'm usually at home alone as after work and dinner I just want to crash infront of the tv, preferably with him.
He probably doesn't see crashing in front of the tv with you as being together time - it'll just be a waste of perfectly good time that could be spent active (either with you or on hobbies). I don't think he's prioritising his hobbies over you, he's prioritising being active over being bone idle. Bone idle is fine if you're that type, but not if you're naturally active.

MrsWoolySheep · 23/02/2018 11:14

Well as you don't have any children together yab a bit u.

I'm interested though, who looks after his dc while he's doing all these hobbies? Make me wonder why his first marriage failed.

I'd be wary of having any children with him, often men like this carry on as normal leaving you as default parent to pick up all the slack, while they do as they please.

MrsWoolySheep · 23/02/2018 11:17

Oh I just read his ex wife was lazy was she?

Hmm right, so she lazed around looking after his children while he swanned about doing this thing, sounds about right.

HarmlessChap · 23/02/2018 11:22

I'm out 2 nights a week and some Sundays doing sport and we don't share our other day off. She's out 2 nights a week with charity work and also some Sundays she also does a couple of exercise classes a week in evenings plus a monthly committee meeting for the charity. Much of our time out is overlaps and the DCs are old enough to take care of themselves but finding time together is tricky but we generally manage to even if DW's idea of a cosy night in is catching up with TV that she recorded and I wouldn't have chosen to watch.

Original poster

Boxingdaydisappoints · 23/02/2018 11:22

The children are with their mum or doing their own thing when he's out doing his hobbies. They're almost adults now.

I can't say what she did when they were together, but I guess any down time she had was deserved.

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MrsWoolySheep · 23/02/2018 11:25

Ah they're grown up, fair enough.

It's a difficult one, if my dc were older I wouldn't want anyone to tell me how to spend my spare time. On the other hand it seems ashame that he doesn't want to make a bit more time to be with you.

I love just vegging our in front of the tv, but some people hate it I guess.

Original poster

Boxingdaydisappoints · 23/02/2018 11:27

I'm hardly bone idle 😂😂 I work up to 70 hours a wrk in a stressful job, share the responsibility of cooking and cleaning up after two teenagers (his children not mine) 50% of the time, try and have my own social life and spend the odd night crashing in front of the tv. He chooses to thrash himself to death on a squash court, I prefer more sedate pastimes (light hearted).

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Redpony1 · 23/02/2018 11:29

So, I assume the priority order is:

His children
His hobbies
You

You should be above hobbies.

Why?
I have horses, i spend an awful amount of time out of the house without DP and my horses as a hobby will always come before anything else (except DC, obviously)
Luckily my DP already had daily hobbies of his own when i met him, i could never be with someone who didnt have daily commitments other than work.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 23/02/2018 11:34

Is this the right guy for you, OP? He seems to live as though he's a single man with kids - when he's not seeing his children then he wants to be out doing his hobbies. It's interesting that none of them include you, isn't it? Does he see himself as a blokey-bloke at all?

I'd be wondering what the point was in living with someone who was living like that. I'd want to live with someone for the companionship, not being on my own all the bloody time.

Trinity66 · 23/02/2018 11:35

The thing is people have different ideas in relationships of what they're looking for from it etc It's not wrong if it works for both parties involved but if one is happy with it and the other isn't then somethings got to give I think, either they can adjust to somewhere where they're both happy or they move on and find someone who 's more on the same page.

Nicknacky · 23/02/2018 11:36

She's not on her own all the time. He's out twice a week at night and one day at the weekend. The op works long hours.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/02/2018 11:40

So you put working long hours before spending time with your DP OP?

You expect him to be waiting round for you at home to come home so you can watch TV together? But you don't expect to do the same for him?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 23/02/2018 11:42

Bit unfair, BitOutOfPractice!

BitOutOfPractice · 23/02/2018 11:44

Not really! Seriously, does the OP expect her DP to wait at home, missing his hobby, till she gets in at 9:40 so they can watch TV together? Bugger that for a game of soldiers!

DeathStare · 23/02/2018 11:44

he always said she was lazy

This is a red flag for me. I'm always very wary when someone describes their ex to a new partner in negative but vague ways (eg.lazy, psycho, etc) To me that always sounds like someone who can't take any responsibility for the role they play in a relationship.

Maybe he called her lazy because she doesn't play sports, but maybe she was too exhausted from working , looking after DC and doing all the housework. One person's "lazy" is another person's "doing all the work" If he'd been more specific (eg. she never did any housework, I always had to do it all) I'd be more sympathetic, but a term like "lazy" is just so vague and yet can have people sympathetically nodding along without finding out any of the details.

Hobbies aside, tread carefully OP

Nikephorus · 23/02/2018 12:06

Totally agree with BitOutOfPractice If OP is really working 70 hours a week then either she's working weekends when she could be with DP (and still working 10 hour days) or she's working well into the night and therefore when DP is keeping busy with his hobbies. Methinks the OP hadn't thought that 'update' through accurately....

Original poster

Boxingdaydisappoints · 23/02/2018 12:17

I quite often leave the house by 7.30 and don't get back until after 8. I often go in on a Saturday if DP is out playing golf. So not really not thought out Nike?

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Original poster

Boxingdaydisappoints · 23/02/2018 12:18

Death stare please red all of my posts! I did not say his ex was lazy! I said he did. I have said I think any down time she had, if this is the case, it was well deserved.

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