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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about DH spending £500 on a stag do when I can hardly afford to feed us all

54 replies

oopset · 03/05/2007 11:27

Grrr. I am really upset about this, although I can see where DH is coming from. DH is being best man at his bf's wedding in August. His bf announced yesterday that they were going to London for a stag weekend, Friday to Monday, that's 3 nights in a hotel, plus spending money. DH bless him said he could travel down on the Saturday and go back on the Sunday because he couldn't get time off work. He even asked if I wanted to come and stay in the hotle while he went out to the lapdancing place. Now this really upset me. I have 3 young children including a small baby, I feel vulnerable right now and the last thing I want to do is be holed up in a hotel with 3 under 4 1/2, breastfeeding and entertaining while he goes out on the razzle.
We are not having a family holiday this year because we can't afford. We are really strapped for cash and I am cleaning/ebaying and doin what I can to scrape together money for extras such as shorts for kids etc.

DH says he HAS to go because it is his best friend and he is best man, I do understand this. FWIW I haven't been asked about a hen do.

I am crying about this now, this has upset me so much. Is this unreasonable? I really don't know what to say to DH.

OP posts:
MamaG · 03/05/2007 11:28

I think he is being extremely selfish.

~Stag weekends bug the hell out of me anyway, whats wrong with a pub crawl? FFS

IF you can't afford a holiday and are struggling to buy clothing for your children, yoiu need to have a serious word with him about his priorities, best man or not.

KTeePee · 03/05/2007 11:31

If he is just staying for one night, how is it going to cost £500? Can't see how a hotel is going to be more than £100 (less if he shares a room) - he could always stay in a hostel - I assume it's going to cost a bit to travel down but even in my hellraising days there's no way I could have spent the balance of £500 on one night....

I think your dh should go if possible but find a cheaper way of doing it....

SueW · 03/05/2007 11:31

If it is his bf, why can't his bf understand he can't afford it?

Why will it cost £500? Surely he can share a room with someone - it's only one night and the travel and booze would be going some to cost £500 for a one night overnight stay

No you are not being unreasonable.

Tigana · 03/05/2007 11:32

I think it it the organisers of these cheesy excuses to get lairy in another city who are being unreasonable...personally.

At least DH is only going for one night.

SueW · 03/05/2007 11:32

OOOh KTP - snap!!

bananabump · 03/05/2007 11:43

No, you aren't being unreasonable. We are in the same situation financially and my dp wouldn't even ask about doing this, because he knows I'd laugh in his face!

It IS selfish, and while you're kind enough to see where he's coming from, remember a stag do is just a piss up, they could have it locally, NOT stay in a hotel, get a cheap stripper instead of going to an expensive lapdancing club, and keep the cost minimal. If he's his best friend he'll understand.

If you let him go through with this I think it'll cause a lot of bad feeling and you'll harbour a lot of resentment every time you have to say no to one of your kids when they need something, or god forbid, when the electric goes off and you don't have enough money to refill the meter, or enough money for nappies.

Original poster
oopset · 03/05/2007 11:44

DH has only suggested to me going down for the one night, he hasn't told his bf this. His bf hasn't got kids and isn't even married yet, so will probably find it difficult to understand.

I agree the cost of 2 days and one night should be a lot less...have never been to a lapdancing club in London, have no idea of entry fees and costs. travel down and back will be about £50 I should expect.

To be fair to DH, he doesn't want to go but feels he has to go. Think I am just grumpy because I know I couldn't do this and wouldn't dream of splashing cash in this way.

OP posts:
Original poster
oopset · 03/05/2007 11:45

x-posts with bananabump, thanks for the comments, you are right about resentment, I already feel it and he hasn't even been yet!

OP posts:
MamaG · 03/05/2007 11:48

oops - you've got to tell him he can't go.

tombley · 03/05/2007 11:52

Not unreasonable IMO.
Being invited to a wedding these days can have a budget of a family holiday. I cringe when the invites land on the door mat because once again Dh and I will have to explain that because we have small children we will not be joining the happy couple in Amsterdam/Prague/Paris/Johannesburg(!!)wherever. Admittedly we are lucky that it isn't a money issue but we will use all our babysitting voucher on the actual wedding and we actually like spending time together with our kids.

Bring back the pub crawl I say.

sunnysideup · 03/05/2007 12:06

I'm in agreement - this is an outrageous amount of money. The fashion for stag and hen weekends or even trips to long haul destinations is just unbelievable. I am another of the 'just go down the pub' school!

If your DH's best friend is really a true friend he would totally understand if your dh said he either couldn't go, or could only attend say, one night.

bananabump · 03/05/2007 12:13

Wait, he doesn't even want to go? Then you should definitely say no!

Lapdancing clubs are notoriously expensive. You pay to get in, the drinks are extortionate, and as for the dances...

If you're cleaning to scrape together money, ebaying off all your stuff AND looking after three kids and breastfeeding, then I think you're making enough sacrifices. He'll have to make one for you lot. His best friend WILL survive!

Good luck with it.

bobsyouruncle · 03/05/2007 12:17

It's just not on is it? My dh went away for a stag weekend in Edinburgh right after ds was born & left me to cope with newborn ds & a jealous 22 month old. Luckily I roped in family to help. Dh felt pressured to go as it was his bf & he was best man. Obviously I didn't put enough pressure on him not to go!?

Stigaloid · 03/05/2007 12:17

I think £500 is a lot of money and YANBU to be upset about that - but to ask him to not go is unreasonable. He is best man at his BF wedding. His presence is all important at this event as its such a special event in his BF's life. He seems to be doing his best to placate you by inviting you along and having you there, but it is a duty that he would have been aware of when taking the role of best man, which is an honour role in itself.

As Best Man he should be in charge of the stag night budget anyway. The Best Man arranges it all and keeps the groom in the dark. That being the case, he should be able to reign in the finances and make it cheaper.

Weddings are expensive - increasingly so for guests and especially ones with young families, but to ask him to step dwon from his role or not be part of his BF wedding build up is a bit unfair IMHO.

Summerfruit · 03/05/2007 12:20

Message withdrawn

batters · 03/05/2007 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stigaloid · 03/05/2007 12:23

sorry - just to clarify - i'm not saying you are telling him to not go, just responding to the suggestions on this thread that he shouldn't go.

JodieG1 · 03/05/2007 12:25

I'd be upset too. My dh would never go on a stag weekend though, we both think they're completely unnecesary. He wouldn't go abroad for one either no matter who was having it. I don't like the lapdancer thing either, I think it's disrespectful and so he wouldn't go and see one, he also wouldn't like me seeing one so I wouldn't.

expatinscotland · 03/05/2007 12:27

Whatever happened to a pub crawl?

Or a night out with the guys?

WTF?

Now it has to involve a piss-up away from home, hotels, prossies, etc.?

Yeah, that's a great way to celebrate the start of a marriage: by acting like a 16-year-old chav!

SueW · 03/05/2007 12:28

Agree with him that you will be the bad guy, if he can't talk to his friend.

I.e. he can save face by telling his friend it's you putting the brakes on and you've given him a budget of ?£100 for the whole weekend otherwise you've banished him to the spare room/sofa for the rest of his married life and oblox to the richer poorer sickness and health stuff.

expatinscotland · 03/05/2007 12:29

The bf's a twat if he doesn't understand why your DH can't afford to go.

OrmIrian · 03/05/2007 12:30

It's totally absurd. Dh had a pubcrawl for his stag night and a bloody good time was had by all. That was 14 years ago now and at the time epic stag weekends were relatively rare. Now it seems the norm.

3littlefrogs · 03/05/2007 12:33

I am going to a hen night/W/E in a nice hotel and it is costing me 50 pounds. Don't get the 500 thing at all - haven't read the whole thread though.

bananabump · 03/05/2007 12:34

Ok fair enough, perhaps saying an outright NO would cause an argument, but what seems reasonable is for you to simply write down your incomings and outgoings, not forgetting the cost of actually attending the wedding assuming you and your children are invited, and ask him to decide.

If he says he's still going to go and spends massive amounts of money, you have every right to be pissed off imho.

tombley · 03/05/2007 12:35

My (childless) brother went to 4 last year in Poland, Prague twice and Estonia. When I asked him why they were going to Eastern Bloc countries he said it was because the beer was only about 50p per pint.

Doh Silly me I forgot about the price of the beer when I was calculating flights, hotels, etc etc