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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset about DH spending £500 on a stag do when I can hardly afford to feed us all

54 replies

oopset · 03/05/2007 11:27

Grrr. I am really upset about this, although I can see where DH is coming from. DH is being best man at his bf's wedding in August. His bf announced yesterday that they were going to London for a stag weekend, Friday to Monday, that's 3 nights in a hotel, plus spending money. DH bless him said he could travel down on the Saturday and go back on the Sunday because he couldn't get time off work. He even asked if I wanted to come and stay in the hotle while he went out to the lapdancing place. Now this really upset me. I have 3 young children including a small baby, I feel vulnerable right now and the last thing I want to do is be holed up in a hotel with 3 under 4 1/2, breastfeeding and entertaining while he goes out on the razzle.
We are not having a family holiday this year because we can't afford. We are really strapped for cash and I am cleaning/ebaying and doin what I can to scrape together money for extras such as shorts for kids etc.

DH says he HAS to go because it is his best friend and he is best man, I do understand this. FWIW I haven't been asked about a hen do.

I am crying about this now, this has upset me so much. Is this unreasonable? I really don't know what to say to DH.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 03/05/2007 12:35

Especially as you're not getting a family holiday.

There's no WAY I could go out for a weekend of getting puking drunk and looking at naked guys knowing my girls got no family holiday.

expatinscotland · 03/05/2007 12:36

'My (childless) brother went to 4 last year in Poland, Prague twice and Estonia. When I asked him why they were going to Eastern Bloc countries he said it was because the beer was only about 50p per pint. '

Full of cheap prostitutes, too, from what I hear.

JodieG1 · 03/05/2007 12:39

That's true expat, was just about to post that. Someone who works with dh went away on one to a similar place and apparantly the private dances were very private iyswim.

tombley · 03/05/2007 12:39

Probably Expat though I wouldn't like to
see him after his wie heard that

kslatts · 03/05/2007 12:41

If you are having to sell things on ebay and cleaning where is he physically going to get £500 to spend?

I wouldn't have any problem with DH going on a stag weekend IF we could afford it but if money is that tight other things need to come first.

themoon66 · 03/05/2007 12:41

Even if the £500 wasn't a problem to find, blowing that much on a weekend getting pissed and shoving £20 notes into some dancer's g-string is disgraceful way to blow money if he has a wife and children.

SueW · 03/05/2007 12:44

Makes so much sense doesn't it - go to an Eastern Bloc country so you can buy beer at 50p/ pint.

You're going to spend £200 on flights and accommodation which would buy you more beer than you can physically drink in an evening or even three.

LazyLine · 03/05/2007 12:46

I can understand that your DH could feel really awkward about not being able to afford what all the others can and having to talk to his mate about it. Maybe they just aren't able to talk to each other like that.

It shouldn't cost £500 but can see the costs racking up. If he gets the train, that could be £100, plus a hotel, plus lapdancing stuff and then drinks, meals and extras. You could be looking at £300+ for a night's stay.

However, your DH should realise that you cannot afford it. I know it feels bad being left alone but as long as it's not a hugely regular thing, that has to be okay I think, it is a stag do.

The money should be where the line is drawn. Your DH should be talking to his mate and saying that money is tight, could they do something beforehand, something smaller as well as the main event?

LazyLine · 03/05/2007 12:47

I don't understand this massive stag do thing. My mate went to Austria for his stag do and THEN had another one back in England for everyone that couldn't go. Not a small one either, a big fuck-off weekend of it.

expatinscotland · 03/05/2007 12:48

Celebrate getting married by shagging a prossie or having someone's fanjo ground in your face?

I can't think of why I'd want to marry a man who found that a 'right of passage'.

I'm not into immature guys, I guess.

batters · 03/05/2007 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

oopset · 03/05/2007 12:52

Oooh it's so tricky.

We are invited to the wedding, it's on a Friday too, very work and child friendly!! DH's bf doesn't have kids. We do have to stay in a hotle for the wedding too and all of us are invited. I just couldn't show my face if they thought I had told him he couldn't go.

Have just been speaking to DH about this, he is being very reasonable and TBH is a bit paniced by it too. He doesn't want to go but feels he has to.

What if I had agreed to be a bridesmaid though and the same situation was reversed. There is no way I would leave all 3 children with DH for the weekend and spend all that cash, even if I was duty bound to my bf. My loyalties lie with my family and children more than my bf. What do you think about this stigaloid?

I think male/male relationships are completely different to female relationships. I know my bf would not even dream of asking me to do anything like this when we have a young baby and two other young children. (They are 4 and 3 btw. I have namechanged for this thread!) And I know I wouldn't dream of it.

DH's bf told him that is where it was and didn't even ask if it was ok, which I thought was inconsiderate.

''As Best Man he should be in charge of the stag night budget anyway. The Best Man arranges it all and keeps the groom in the dark. That being the case, he should be able to reign in the finances and make it cheaper. ''

This may be true, but DH has been told thiat they are going to Londodn, don't think DH would have chosen that TBH.

OP posts:

Kif · 03/05/2007 12:52

Are you sure he doesn't secretly want you to tell him not to go? He could then save face in front of his friends by grumblin' about ''er indoors - says she'll fry my balls if I go - hormones, tsk'.

fondant4000 · 03/05/2007 12:53

I can see why your dh feels he HAS to - best man, bf, only once in a lifetime and is it worth risking friendship etc. - but the fact is he cannot afford to go.

Not his fault, not your fault, and not really bf's fault. When I was in a similar situation with my bf, I explained to her why I couldn't, no blame on either side. I then arranged to join the 'hens' for one part of the weekend (the cheapest bit to show that I wanted to celebrate with her, just circumstances.

It's no-one's fault, this just happens when you have kids and your mates don't, he needs to find a compromise which shows his mate he cares but also meets the needs of his family.

batters · 03/05/2007 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

oopset · 03/05/2007 12:57

I think these stag dos are disgraceful too. We never had stag/hen dos and eloped for a cheap private wedding.
The £500 or whatever it would be would have to go on a credit card or overdraft, I know it would. Daft how you struggle all year to stay afloat and then you end up having to pay for wedding presents, hotles and stag dos. Might start putting it in my budget.

Yes, DH does feel awkward talking to his friend about money etc, think he is going to have to do it. I think that having a more local and low key do before the event is a great idea actually! Am going to suggest that.

OP posts:

Original poster

oopset · 03/05/2007 12:58

And yes we do have to pay for the hotel at the wedding.

OP posts:

batters · 03/05/2007 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catsmother · 03/05/2007 13:18

Why can't DH be totally upfront with the groom and tell him that while he'd like to go, he simply cannot afford to, as he is strapped for cash and he's hard pushed at the moment to buy necessities for his children. You don't have to be a parent to understand that surely ?

If the groom really wants him there, because he is a good friend and he values his company, then maybe he could stump up his share. Alternatively, he should accept his refusal with good grace - after all, he is not making an excuse, he has no money, fact. (That is before you get onto the other issue of lapdancing clubs etc)

I suppose you can't stop some brides & grooms wanting to make a big weekend out of their hen/stag dos, but what I can't stand is the attitude also adopted by many of them that any friend who declines to come is somehow letting the side down, being a bad friend, or whatever. The cost of going to weddings alone can be astronomical these days (we recently spent £250 on petrol, outfits (nothing fancy, but it mounted up for 4 of us) and presents alone) and when you add piss-ups lasting for 3 or 4 days in some cases, the overall cost becomes ridiculous - and is certainly equivalent to a family holiday. There seems to be no allowance made by some people for the fact that many of us simply do not have that sort of money to throw away, particularly when indulging just one family member would have a detrimental effect on the rest.

I personally feel that to issue invites for all-singing, all-dancing hen or stag dos, and expecting people to happily & easily pay hundreds for the "privilege" of being invited without being prepared to accept refusals graciously, is incredibly rude, and smacks of self-indulgent selfishness. That is not to say you can't be disappointed if a friend is unable to come, but to subsequently take offence is very wrong.

NKF · 03/05/2007 13:24

Stag nights are out of control it seems. Didn't men used to go down the pub?

NKF · 03/05/2007 13:26

I think men find admitting to poverty harder than women do. Sweeping generalisation of course but if there is something like that going on, it might be hard for your husband not to do the obvious and explain to his best friend that he simply can't afford it.

currantbunmum · 03/05/2007 13:30

oopset, you are not being unreasonable at all. It is your dh bf, so he does need to have some kind of stag do with him, but could he suggest an evening out closer to home, nearer to the wedding date. As he is the best man he could organise this and hopefully feel more in control and also be seen to be having more of an active role, by his bf. I'm sure you're not the only ones who are thinking that £500 is a lot to be spending on a stag, and by organising an extra / alternative it may give others the chance to say no to the London trip.

It is true a bride would never expect her bf to drop children, babies etc, and of course it would be difficult to enjoy yourself whilst away, as each time you spent money you would be thinking what else that money could have been used for. Hope you dh feels able to speak to bf about this, for all of your sakes.

NKF · 03/05/2007 13:33

Does he have to go on the stag night? Can't he take his mate out separately?

KTeePee · 03/05/2007 13:52

Talking about weddings - dh has a friend who is getting married sometime soon - second marriage for both parties - they are having it abroad and have a wedding planner fgs - I am so not planning to waste our money and holidays on going - I thought second weddings were supposed to be quiet affairs....

Stigaloid · 03/05/2007 14:40

Oopset - if your DH has had no hand in organising the event then he has every right to say he can't go and the BF not be offended. It's very odd though that the groom has arranged the entire event as usually stags are arranged by best man and ushers and the groom doesn't pay for anything (this may be where the added cost comes in for the £500 as well - paying for the groom).

You dh's bf has been unreasonable in organising it all and informing him of where the event is without consulting him on costs first. usually costs and ideas are arranged long before anything is booked so that anyone who has any objections can raise them

as i said before - i don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset by it.

I have a lot of friends getting married at the moment. some we say we can't go to and others we budget for throughout the year because we know there are expenses such as stags/hens, hotels, clothes, presents etc. Personally i think weddings are very expensive for all involved, the happy couple and the guests themselves and it is a pity they are so expensive as it causes problems such as this arising.

If your DH had no hand in the arrangement of the event he should have no problems saying 'sorry guys. I can't afford that and it's not convenient'. He can always offer to take his BF out for a decent meal on his own closer to home at another time.

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