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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL sucking on baby’s hand

328 replies

SilverBirchTree · 22/02/2018 06:23

My 4 month old baby is going through a phase of constantly sucking on his hands and fingers.

Yesterday MIL said to baby ‘you like having your fingers sucked don’t you?’ and proceeded to put her mouth around his entire hand and suck.

My involuntary facial expression was Shock. Seeing my reaction, MIL said in a baby voice ‘it’s good for my immunity mummy’ and then turned to the baby and in baby talk said ‘you need to build up your resistance. That’s a big word, resistance’ and so forth.

...She then continued to suck on his hands and fingers in front of me....

AIBU or is her behaviour as obnoxious as I feel it was?

I don’t mind people touching or kissing the baby’s hands... but full on coating them in saliva just seems disgusting. And odd. And bloody disrespectful to carry on with if you know the mother isn’t ok with it.

But I’m a first time pedantic mother so happy to be told I am wrong and overreacting.

Any immunity experts? Any MIL advice?

OP posts:
SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 22/02/2018 10:22

Fleur so many things werent a big deal then Hmm doesnt make it right now.

BlubberBlubber · 22/02/2018 10:31

Disgusting, and then I read your post about the weed killer. You need to smile at them and take your baby back and make them wash your hands. I won’t even let DH in the house in the same clothes after spraying weed killer around.

Tell MIL that things change, in response to mine saying they never used car seats and had babies in laps and were fine, I tell her medical science moves on, the generation before her thought thalidomide was ok to use as they were sadly given it by Doctors but she wouldn’t use that in her generation.

MrsElvis · 22/02/2018 10:36

Weed killer! What's your other half have to say? If you can't assert yourself he needs to

FleurDeLizzie · 22/02/2018 10:36

Fleur so many things werent a big deal then hmm doesnt make it right now

I don't necessarily disagree. I'm just confirming to those who don't believe it ever happens that it was commonplace in my past and probably still is. As evidenced in OPs post.
And that it was intended as playful interaction, and not some terrible unheard of sexual deviation, or a way for mil to 'mark her territory'
It's not all that unusual, is all I'm saying.

It was just playing. I'd never do it to somebody else's baby but I probably did it to my own.

Flobalob · 22/02/2018 10:37

Maybe you could really gross HER out to put her off like saying something like "yes, but your mouth has probably been around FIL's cock!"

I would feel icky about this. The baby's parents yes, nobody else. I think she's trying to mark her territory and you need to show her that you are the boss of your child.

My other half used to say to his Mum when she stepped over the line "that's wonderful, you can do that when you have YOUR next baby. Please don't do it with ours". She soon stopped trying to tell us what to do and she's a wonderful MIL now.

AutumnalTed · 22/02/2018 10:40

Grim

FleurDeLizzie · 22/02/2018 10:42

Actually, this has stirred the memory of mothers licking their babies hands clean before they gave them finger food when out and about,
having forgotten the damp flannel that was a necessary before the advent of baby wipes. A proper suck was the only way to get off the grime. Sick bucket anyone?

HonkyWonkWoman · 22/02/2018 10:46

What a dugusting thing to do to your baby, I would have been furious. She sounds deranged!
Who does that to a baby.
If she tries to do it again, just tell her to stop as you don't like it.
If she's offended, hard luck. It's your baby and she'd better realise that what you say, goes.

HazelBite · 22/02/2018 10:48

This made me shudder.
Why are some people so obsessed with babies that are not theirs?
I am in my 60's, a grandma, and many of my neices, nephews have young babies.
It is not my place to pick them up unless they are handed to me by the parents, I will admire the child, the cuteness etc, but to me it is overstepping boundries not to be led by what the parents want/like.
I remember only too well the distress it caused me when my first baby developed a heavy cold after a visit by the in laws en masse and was handed around like a pass the parcel and kissed and cuddled when he was crying as he was hungry and being told off when I asked to have him back to feed!
You can develop a close relationship with your grandchildren as they get older, (I love watching Dh's relationship with DGs develop) but when they are babies it should be all down to the parents unless you are invited otherwise.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 22/02/2018 10:48

Yeah that’s a bit horrible. Yanbu.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 22/02/2018 10:54

The thing is there maybe so much stuff they wouldn't bat eye at that will upset op. Assuming op is reasonable and not extreme herself..it does come down to in laws picking up on her cues.

Elephant17 · 22/02/2018 10:54

Mine did/does the same! And it makes me feel the same way. I too never bothered saying anything as I can't be bothered for the 'don't be so silly and neurotic!' stuff.

Original poster
SilverBirchTree · 22/02/2018 11:14

Thanks all. They storm in so confidently that it makes me second guess myself in the moment, and then I get angry with myself afterwards for not saying anything.

I can’t bring myself to read those articles about mouth bacteria, I’d really rather not know now it’s too late to do anything!

Next time they overstep I am just going to say ‘I am not comfortable with that. Please stop.’ Whether I feel sure of my position or not, and see what happens. And yes it will be so awkward, especially if I have to physically take the baby from them.

I have been giving them the benefit of the doubt over these things since the baby was born. I’ve been thinking they mean well and are perhaps just excited about the baby to a point that makes them oblivious to my discomfort.

However writing this thread has made me conscious that their dismissive and disrespectful actions only occur when DH isn’t there. This shows me that they do know what’s appropriate, they are capable of moderating their behaviour...and they are consciously choosing not to do so when they are alone with me.

Angry
OP posts:
Evenbetter · 22/02/2018 11:26

You need to put a stop to their domineering and patronising behaviour. In the example about the weed killer, you should have replied ‘..yeah. As I said, wash your hands please.’ Patronise them right back. Refuse to be used as a scapegoat or blamed for any of their nonsense.

I don’t know if the woman sucking the baby’s entire hand was sexual or not, but 1 in 20 uk children are sexually abused, so people do not need to be dismissing or downplaying inappropriate behaviour, everyone needs to shut down situations and interactions that they or their kid is not ok with.

frasier · 22/02/2018 11:32

I always find if you ask a health professional and they say "WEIRD!" and you tell the person, they will take more notice. FIL was really embarrassed when I told him that my HV said that his crap about leaving DC to "cry it out" was cruel.

Tell her doctor says NO.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 22/02/2018 11:35

Well done op, no need for a scene and if she sulks it's her behaviour that put you there let her deal with it.it's her awkwardness to bear and absolutely makes sure dh is on board... And back you up or says stuff himself... Like remark up thread.. Posters dh says.. When you have your next baby you can do that but not with ours

zzzzz · 22/02/2018 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

starbrightnight · 22/02/2018 11:41

OP, your gut instincts are spot on. This is disgusting and inappropriate on so many levels I don't know where to begin.

I'm in my sixties and it is NOT a generational thing. It could POSSIBLY be a cultural thing but not one I've ever heard of.

Regardless, it is a gross invasion of the baby's physical boundaries. End of.

Think long term. If the baby is primed to accept this sort of invasion of his physical boundaries in infancy it is reasonable to conclude that as he grows older his sense of self and where he begins and ends could be blurred, and with that blurring he may not be clear about what is appropriate touching and what is not. Of course we all hope our children will never be in that situation where they need to shout NO to an adult, but if they were in that situation they need to be able to RECOGNISE it and say NO loudly and with conviction.

Having said all that I am not suggesting there is any unsavoury motivation driving your MIL's behaviour. However, anything that 'normalises' odd/weird/inappropriate touching should not be allowed to happen.

Be firm, trust your gut instincts and stick up for yourself and your baby.

TooGood2BeFalse · 22/02/2018 12:42

God some people are just so odd.

YANBU OP. Not saying your baby is dirty or manky, but that is grim Envy

My MIL is a nightmare for boundaries. She has always had an obsession with my sons' toileting..she was seemingly obsessed with changing their nappies.Not in a creepy way, but more of a LOOK HOW MUCH I LOVE MY GRANDSONS. She would tell me their poo 'smelled like roses to her'.

lorelairoryemily · 22/02/2018 12:44

That's absolutely disgusting. I'd puke if I saw someone do that. It's ok for you to tell her not to do it again. Dirty cow!!Envy

UnmitigatedBollocks · 22/02/2018 12:51

Yuk. Dirty cow.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 22/02/2018 12:52

She would tell me their poo 'smelled like roses to her'.

ShockEnvy (not envy).

OutyMcOutface · 22/02/2018 12:59

My FIL is the only person I have ever known to do this (even then it wasn't full on sucking more just keeping hand in mouth), my stomach still churns to this day thinking about it. To put this into perspective he is the he most disgusting person I know (track record of leaving his teeth at other people's houses on windowsills etc, peeing in the kitchen sink, eating out of bins etc.) and even he wouldn't go as far to sit around sucking a baby's hand. It's really weird and really gross.

OutyMcOutface · 22/02/2018 13:01

@TooGood my first son's poo did actually smell of apricots (to keep at least) while he was breast feeding so maybe she doesn't mind the smell much either/has something seriously wrong with her nose.

Snowysky20009 · 22/02/2018 13:01

This is grim!🤢 Poor baby!!!

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