MIL sucking on baby’s hand

[SilverBirchTree]

My 4 month old baby is going through a phase of constantly sucking on his hands and fingers.

Yesterday MIL said to baby ‘you like having your fingers sucked don’t you?’ and proceeded to put her mouth around his entire hand and suck.

My involuntary facial expression was . Seeing my reaction, MIL said in a baby voice ‘it’s good for my immunity mummy’ and then turned to the baby and in baby talk said ‘you need to build up your resistance. That’s a big word, resistance’ and so forth.

...She then continued to suck on his hands and fingers in front of me....

AIBU or is her behaviour as obnoxious as I feel it was?

I don’t mind people touching or kissing the baby’s hands... but full on coating them in saliva just seems disgusting. And odd. And bloody disrespectful to carry on with if you know the mother isn’t ok with it.

But I’m a first time pedantic mother so happy to be told I am wrong and overreacting.

Any immunity experts? Any MIL advice?

Disgusting.
So op. When they said it’s fine and didn’t wash their weed killer hands, what did you do?
Did you say actually it’s not fine, wash your hands? Or did you let it go?

Now the weed killer thing would annoy me, but equally, I wouldn’t let anyone spray weed killer on my garden in the first place, and if they ignored an explicit request to wash their hands I’d take the baby away immediately.

The main issue seems to be that you let them walk all over you, OP.

Just seen your second post, OP.

If you're in the UK, they're daft as it would be utterly pointless to spray weedkiller in February, before the active growth season has started.

That is out of order. I think picking the baby up at that point would be sensible. It's standard practice, and advised on all the containers, to wash hands after using weedkiller.

I can see that's difficult, but I still think it's important to keep their involvement with the baby. I might say something like "I need to find my own way with my baby. I know you did things differently, but you got to have your go - now it's my turn to make my own mistakes." ?

UK, in my forties. It's not something you see all the time, but tbh it had never occurred to me that anyone would remark on it. I think it's your MIL being unselfconcsious and interacting naturally with your baby as she would with her own. That's good for him and for building their relationship - so I wouldn't be at all worried about her playing with him like that, but the disrespect towards you/ignoring what you say is a problem. In your shoes, I think I'd pick my battles - try hard not to be precious about things which don't matter, but when you do decide to make a stand, do it firmly. Easier said than done, I know.

Article on saliva and baby immune systems in case you're interested.

I've just been a little bit sick in my mouth. Very bizarre behaviour - who does that!!?

PerfumeIsAMesage is right. It used to be commonplace and exactly the sort of things granny’s did. This

I thought you were going to say she started mock eating his hand with gummy bites whilst making ‘nom nom nom’ noises which most babies find hilarious Are you absolutely sure she wasn't doing this?

It's quite possible to have a close, cuddly relationship with your grandchildren without sucking their hands - or indeed, going against their parents' wishes.

I do wish people would stop saying it's a generational thing.

I wouldn't care from a germ perspective.

However, it's a really fucking odd thing to do. I wouldn't suck a baby's hand because A) It's odd and B) I realise that many people wouldn't like the germ stuff.

The rest of it would have made me want to strangle her.

Maybe it's a class thing? I'm from a working-class background and nobody in my family or close circle was ever really anxious about hygiene. Really it seems perfectly normal to me. It's the ignoring the OP and stupid baby-talk that's the issue to me, not a tiny bit of saliva.

The hand sucking is revolting. Babies learn about their environment and their own bodies using their hands and mouths, none of them need to have anyone else showing their gob round their hands.

The second post about weedkiller is really worrying though- they can contain some pretty nasty poisons, and the spray gets everywhere . I'd have insisted on a hand wash and a change of clothes before they handled the baby.

You need to woman up and start standing up to these people.

saliva and hand sucking I'd not care about - but I'm quite chill about germs as I DO think it helps with immunity/ couldn't be arsed to make a fuss about a family member doing that.
But what grates is the PIL casting you as the neurotic killjoy if you complain or assert yourself. It's disrespectful and a way to control you. They must have a right chuckle about your pfb ways and not have any awareness/insight into the bullying nature of their behaviour.

Who the fuck winds up a new mum doing her best?

PIL should do nothing but support and encourage, not belittle, undermine and shame. I had this with my MIL and we actually don't speak now...it escalated into her telling the family I had PND (I didn't) and whispering that she love the baby "just as much" as me when other people weren't in the room.

Your baby, your rules. If ANYONE had sucked my babies’ hands at 4 months, I’d have probably slapped them. If anyone came into my house with weed killer, they would have been marched straight back out again. As for picking up my baby after spraying it everywhere. No Way. OP you HAVE to make your rules clear. You don’t have to be rude or cross. I would even avoid explaining myself, because then it can become an argument. Just say, “if you want to pick up the baby, you need to wash your hands”. If they say “no it’s ok” , just repeat. Stand in front of the baby or hold him away. “No, you need to wash your hands”. If she goes to suck yoyr babies hands, again, just say “No, I don’t allow that with....” Again, just repeat. DONT give reasons. DONT worry about offending them. This is your baby. DONT worry about being the killjoy. This is not a debate on hygiene. This is about YOU deciding what is best for your child. You need to make it very clear to PIL that YOU make these decisions not them. If they are really pushy. Just say something like “you need to respect that this is my baby and that it is for me to make these decisions. Can you please respect that?” Get your DH on board too of course so it’s “our” decision.

I think it’s gross but my grandma used to do with her great grandchildren. I whipped mine away quickly and always got a look but I didn’t care.

Grim 😁

Op there isn't a variety of opinion at all

Its pretty much 98% this is a disgusting selfish thoughtless thing to do.

For about 2 minutes dd was grabbing his big fat slobbering tongue and it was gross. Everyone was silent and didn’t say anything

OMG.

For me - this happens with FIL.

Fil and Mil are ABSOLUTE GERM FREAKS...they have made DH life utter hell.....Fil will zero in on minute crumb on the floor and question how it got there.

Mil will freak out over all sorts of germ related stuff....she stands over you nervously taking shoes off before allowed in...she has banned people from using certain sinks...she is ULTRA germ phobic and yet.

Days after months long nasty virus - including blood tests, urine tests, the dramatic loss of weight..no one knew what it was - unusual days in bed.....FIL FED MY DD THEN 4 OFF HIS BLOODY FORK.

I was in shock and horror mode.

Op I actually raised this with a Relate counsillor as ONE of the things they have done that has shocked me.

He said once we have said - FIL would you mind not doing that please, the next time he does it - calmly take the child from him, if questioned say calmly - " I asked you to stop it and you persist, therefore I must take the child. " then stop the child sitting in lap etc.

OP the weedkiller has probably shocked me even more. I cant imagine what strong and harmful cancerous chemicals will have gone onto the baby.

They are going to get worse and I am afraid you will need to along with your DH shore up and stop their party.

When you ask something you cant allow them to ride over you.
You have to carry through, eg please dont suck his hand....she persists you have to go over and physically take the baby back , wash his hand and say nicely " I said not to to that"

Same with the weedkiler - " No, maybe you didnt hear me, please dont touch him or wash your hands first"
Op my baby (2nd)was born in winter, norivirus flying around, scarlett fever....flu...I always asked people to simply wash their hands....it fell into two camps, the ones who didnt take it personally and understood the horrors of a sick baby....and the ones who took it personally and over the top etc.

They were the arrogant unpleasant ones.

I would have no issues washing hands before touching baby and in fact we are going to see a new born soon, I will ask my DC to wash their hands as well before touching him, if they do touch him.

Your mil with her incredible brazen behavior has put you into this awkward spot - along with so many of us dils...caught between trying to be diplomatic, civil...keeping the peace.

Its not your burden though, if SHE hadnt done this IF THEY could respect YOU you wouldnt be in this position so dont you feel embarrased and make sure DH is on board.

Uuuugggghh no, that's disgusting and weird. Although the weedkiller thing is far worse, IMO - they actually put your child at risk there. You need to stand up to them when they do stuff like this, and you need to talk to DH to ensure you're on the same page about this stuff. Your PIL have serious boundary problems.

I can see that's difficult, but I still think it's important to keep their involvement with the baby. I might say something like "I need to find my own way with my baby. I know you did things differently, but you got to have your go - now it's my turn to make my own mistakes."

I strongly disagree.

they are totally riding over op I dont think their involvement with the baby or the family has any important right now until they learn to understand this is ops baby. I dont like the putting of herself down in that comment to make mistakes.

^^ above article is on MOthers saliva not grannies .
Also as per earlier article babies get germs in mouth and dental type germs from adults...

Bleurgh! 'Play gumming' at hands is one thing, full on slobbering over them is quite another. Perhaps next time, as you whip baby away when she starts, you might suggest she won't want to be doing that after baby has had their hands in their nappy... after telling her of course that it is unacceptable.

Actually thinking on it there were many occasions when dd grabbed hold of my lip and wouldn’t let go or decided to be fascinated with my teeth and so I did end up with a full fist in my gob, that’s if she wasn’t sticking her finger up my nose. I think this difficult to judge without having whitnessed it first hand, full on lolly pop sucking is quite different to gently grabbing babies fingers between lips whilst make silly noises. I can’t imagine why anyone would put a full fist in their mouth and suck! however it it possible to mock suck without drooling all over someone/thing.

You asked them to wash hands after spraying weed killer and they didn’t?! Don’t let them treat you like a doormat, it will only get worse. Just remove the baby, say I’ve asked nicely and don’t let them touch him again until they’ve done as you’ve asked. You were very reasonable to ask. They sound weird.

I know someone who put their tongue out for babies to grab and their tongue in babies mouth, also a chef who would happily stick his fingers into sources suck and stick back in.

utterly gross and no boundaries.

The weed killer bit is crazy ness, I can’t believe anyone wouldn’t do that automatically even without adding a baby to the mix, it so easy for some to get onto fingers and you wouldn’t want to chance rubbing your own eye with it let alone transferring some to a child.Are you missing a bit out where the person removed some gloves ?

🤢 that's dreadful. MIL can be so bloody weird.

I remember both my grandmothers doing it to babies, my MIL (86) does it to babies, and my older SILs (all in their late 60s) do it

I'm old enough to remember my aunties and grannies and various female relatives doing it. It generally happened when babies tried to stick their hands in your mouth (like they do) and auntie would grab the hand and suck it. It was pretty commonplace at the time and nobody would have turned a hair.

However, I can see how it might seem distasteful to someone not familiar with this form of interaction. But trust me, it wasn't a big deal then.