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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL sucking on baby’s hand

328 replies

SilverBirchTree · 22/02/2018 06:23

My 4 month old baby is going through a phase of constantly sucking on his hands and fingers.

Yesterday MIL said to baby ‘you like having your fingers sucked don’t you?’ and proceeded to put her mouth around his entire hand and suck.

My involuntary facial expression was Shock. Seeing my reaction, MIL said in a baby voice ‘it’s good for my immunity mummy’ and then turned to the baby and in baby talk said ‘you need to build up your resistance. That’s a big word, resistance’ and so forth.

...She then continued to suck on his hands and fingers in front of me....

AIBU or is her behaviour as obnoxious as I feel it was?

I don’t mind people touching or kissing the baby’s hands... but full on coating them in saliva just seems disgusting. And odd. And bloody disrespectful to carry on with if you know the mother isn’t ok with it.

But I’m a first time pedantic mother so happy to be told I am wrong and overreacting.

Any immunity experts? Any MIL advice?

OP posts:
Middleoftheroad · 22/02/2018 08:39

It certainly wasn't generational in my family - never seen the 90/80/70/60 do anything like that (60 somethings mentioned upthread were raised in 60s so not that long ago ! )My nan was in her 90s when mine were born, yet managed to refrain from this.

Greyday2 · 22/02/2018 08:39

I’d hate that too OP.

PerfumeIsAMessage · 22/02/2018 08:40

Waz- I have not said it's OK. I have said it was a normal thing to do with a lot of the older generation in my immediate circle. I am clearly not the only one.

And if you care to AS me, you'll see that I am up there on the barricades fighting the ageism shit on this website on an almost daily basis. In fact I opened this thread as I imagined there'd be some "tell the fucking old cah to fucking fuck off nasty old bitch has she gone mental" comments that MN seems scattergunned with these days. Double bonus points because it's the MIL obviously.

mathanxiety · 22/02/2018 08:41

You seem to be having a little trouble addressing that question, Shamelessly.

mathanxiety · 22/02/2018 08:44

I think at best you are in a minority of two claiming that this is something older people do, Perfume.

Have you ever sucked a baby's whole hand, Shamelessly? Or a finger? Or have you confined yourself to nom-nomming?

saladdays66 · 22/02/2018 08:48

No, your baby doesn't like HAVING his hands sucked; he likes sucking them himself.

She sounds batshit. I would have been Shock as well.

Tell her no. Tell her to suck her own hands if she wants to.

Envy - not envy

Trendy1 · 22/02/2018 08:48

Ohh, this is a slippery slope! This is nothing to do with sucking hands, IMO, it is about MIL authority. What is it with MILs that they need to be 'in charge' of other people's babies? She needs to be put in her place right quick, or it will go on and on for ever.

Original poster
SilverBirchTree · 22/02/2018 08:49

Interesting to see the mix of opinions.

To answer the questions - I do struggle to assert myself with PIL who are quite pushy (all done with a big smile) and different to me. I’m a relatively cautious person while they really pride themselves on their ‘ah, it’ll be fine’ approach to things.

For example last weekend they came to our house to spray poison on some weeds (their idea). When they came in the house they started playing with the baby.

I interjected ‘sorry, could you please wash your hands first, just in case the weed poison landed there’

MIL and FIL looked at each other as if too say ‘oh there she goes again, how cute’ and chuckled. MIL then sweetly says ‘it’s perfectly fine, OP.’ as if that settled the matter completely. They then resumed playing with the baby without having washed their hands.

They do things like this a lot. They are better if DH is around but when it’s just me they walk all over me.

They do it all with big smiles on their faces and a chirpy tone of voice, so if I kick up then it’s me creating conflict and being a kill-joy DIL.

To those who think it’s normal to suck a baby’s hands- can I ask where you’re from/your age bracket? Just wondering if it’s a generational thing.

OP posts:
Billben · 22/02/2018 08:50

Would she spit in his mouth too? Cos essentially, that’s what she was doing 🤮

llangennith · 22/02/2018 08:51

I’m 66 and have never done this nor do I recall ever seeing my mother or grandmother suck on a baby’s hand or foot. A kiss yes, no drooling or sucking. Gross.

merrymouse · 22/02/2018 08:51

You people do kiss your partners... right?

Yes, and this increases the chance that I will give him a cold. However my partner is not 4 months old, and if he gets a cold or even mild flu can be left to his own devices. When my children were ill at that age the best outcome was several sleepless nights and a really miserable baby, the worst worried trips to A&E

Clearly some people think sucking a baby’s hand is cute and others want to gag, but it is as likely to spread germs and viruses as any other transferral of saliva. It won’t affect immunity, which at this age comes from the mother and maybe breastfeeding and develops gradually over time.

Babies can reliably pick up enough germs all by themselves, just like they can suck their own hands.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 22/02/2018 08:53

You seem to be having a little trouble addressing that question, Shamelessly.

Huh?! I’m answering every question you ask!

Have you ever sucked a baby's whole hand, Shamelessly? Or a finger? Or have you confined yourself to nom-nomming?

Yes, as already stated, I used to gobble/suck my children’s fingers/hands in pretty much the same way the OP described her MIL doing. It’s a game! I don’t think it’s weird. I’ve seen lots of other parents doing it. My parents used to do it with my kids when they were babies (my in laws didn’t but that’s just because they weren’t interested - I wouldn’t have cared if they did, or if friends of mine did - they may have). I am not worried about germs. My kids suffered zero ill-effects and are robustly healthy. I can’t imagine how you would perceive it as sexual. The only thing I would find annoying about the OP’s scenario is the MIL using the baby as a ventriloquist’s dummy to express her opinion.

I hope this answers any and all questions.

Middleoftheroad · 22/02/2018 08:54

**To those who think it’s normal to suck a baby’s hands- can I ask where you’re from/your age bracket? Just wondering if it’s a generational thing.

It's not - it's plain weird, regardless of age!

RadioGaGoo · 22/02/2018 08:54

I'm 38 and whilst I don't think it's normal for anyone else to do it, I've sucked my baby's hand a few times whilst we were playing. Affectionately, to clarify.

Billben · 22/02/2018 08:55

I’m aghast at not washing their hands after spraying weeds! Which is a pointless exercise in itself at this time of year🙄
You really need to start standing up to them. I know it’s easier said than done, but sweet Lord they do treat you like a doormat.

PilatesSuck · 22/02/2018 08:56

Sounds like my neighbour who thinks spitting in the street is fine as it raises immunity Hmm

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 22/02/2018 08:59

Yes, and this increases the chance that I will give him a cold. However my partner is not 4 months old, and if he gets a cold or even mild flu can be left to his own devices. When my children were ill at that age the best outcome was several sleepless nights and a really miserable baby, the worst worried trips to A&E

So don’t do it if you’re sick...? It didn’t make my kids sick. Neither of them had so much as a cold before 6 months of age, and have never been to A&E with an illness. Maybe the MIL was onto something with the immunity thing. Wink

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 22/02/2018 09:00

To those who think it’s normal to suck a baby’s hands- can I ask where you’re from/your age bracket?

  1. Kids under 8. From “Down Under.”
babyboomersrock · 22/02/2018 09:02

I'm 70 and I've never known anyone do this. It's revolting.

Keep an eye on her, OP. It doesn't matter what she thinks - she should have stopped the instant she saw your reaction. I suspect this won't be the last time you have problems with her.

Having read your last post, I think you need to get assertive. They do not use weedkiller and then touch your baby - I know it's hard when there are two of them and you're alone, but you need to stand up for yourself and your baby.

I'd be limiting their visits. Honestly, easier now than when they've made a habit of it. Keep busy with friends, go out with the baby, have other people round - don't feel you have to be constantly available to them. They sound like trouble.

aRespectableBureaudeChange · 22/02/2018 09:03

Fake it 'til you make it. You not being assertive was your choice and is how you feel most comfortable. Now responsible for a baby so need to step outside of your comfort zone and challenge yourself.

Your opinions are valid and more important - particularly in your own home. This seems more about pushing boundaries than just this one issue.

Act assertive - no- one will know any different - gradually you will do it naturally.

You may need to find some indignation to rile yourself into stating how you expect them to behave.

I'm 50 with ds mid 20s - not MIL bashing.

If you can't be assertive on your own behalf, do it for your DC.

The sharing amused glances thing I find offensive and wouldn't tolerate. People often do that as they are in a pattern of behaviour that no-one ever challenged them on, they may be able to change some things but you need to state clearly what you are not happy with,

midnightmisssuki · 22/02/2018 09:05

YUCK! where is the vomitting emoticon when you need one!

merrymouse · 22/02/2018 09:07

Unfortunately colds are infectious before symptoms appear.

Luckily if you are the mother you have passed on/are still passing on your own immunity to your child. That doesn’t apply to everyone else.

Having said that, sucking a baby’s hand is unlikely to harm them. But in this case the mother is uncomfortable with it and her feelings should be respected.

I think the main problem is the bullshit excuse, speaking for the baby and lack of recognition of boundaries.

GiveMePrivacy · 22/02/2018 09:07

Doesn't seem odd to me - I've seen people do that whilst playing with babies, and may well have done it with mine. Unless your MIL is currently incubating a contagious disease, it's not unsanitary - his hands will soon be in places far less hygienic so really, I wouldn't be fussing over this. Haven't you seen the time-honoured method of giving a dummy a quick clean Wink ? I think it's lovely that MIL feels close to the baby and is being natural and playing with him, really. However, the baby-talk parenting lesson would have been annoying. But maybe she felt really awkward seeing your facial expression and was trying to handle it without losing face.

Now my own kids are older, I'd love for them to be able to have a close, cuddly relationship with an involved grandparent, and really think this is to be cherished. It's not worth getting into territorial contests with people who love your baby. There will be some things she does which seem odd to you because she's from a different generation and is just a different person. Unless it's actively dangerous, I'd say prioritise the relationship. This is not actively dangerous. If she loves your baby, and plays with him, and wants to be involved - do value that, because it will add to his life.

beepthemeep · 22/02/2018 09:08

This is not normal behaviour!!!

Yeuch.

saladdays66 · 22/02/2018 09:13

Not normal. Kissing hands. Fine. Sucking entire hand? Noooo.