I know it's not really AIBU but I am in pieces about this and have no one to go through it with in rl atm. I think the context is pretty clear from what I've written. Ds1 really doesn't want to go there (he's 10), but, aside from whether that's UR or not, I have to work over the weekend and really on their twice weekly contact with H to work anyway. I've emailed before but he never responds.
Email:
Ds1 has been talking more this week about his feelings about his life at the moment and his experience of living between the two houses. In particular he has reiterated his feelings about the bias he perceives you showing towards ds2 and the fact that he feels you become angry with him in way that he doesn't think is proportionate with his actions. He has stated that you have hit him more than once as a way of punishing him when he hits ds2. Obviously this is not an ideal way of dealing with violence between them and you need to know that ds1 has been very upset by it. He has also said he finds you quite unpredictable in general.
He would like to stay with me tomorrow and for me to drop him off at yours on Friday morning after ds2’s one-to-one swimming lesson (8.30-9am). I realise you are not going to be happy about this, but you need to understand this has all come from ds1 and I have not led these discussions or initiated them - he has. I think they are difficult to manage and there is a lot of competitiveness between them and ds1 is feeling a high degree of responsibility for how tensions are managed. For instance, he has said he realises ds2 is very stubborn and that you find it difficult to enforce rules with him etc. This is just an observation he has made and he shouldn't have to be worrying about these things.
I feel like you need to be more proactive in the way you parent them and less reactive. I spend a lot of time thinking about how to manage situations and most definitely don't always get it right; it is hard and takes up a lot of time and energy I don't always feel like I have. But that is parenting - it's not just a case of making sure you have time with them, but what you do with them when you have it. I think it's vital that ds2 is dealt with firmly and with consistency, and that ds1 sees this happening. At the moment there are a lot of gaps that behaviours are slipping down and this has implications for their future relationships with each other, us and other people.
I wish you would reply to this. I can't keep sending them to you, knowing that some things are not quite right and the fact that you won't communicate with me about it is making it a lot worse. Parenting is hard, and certainly harder in a situation like ours, but it could be easier if we were in communication with each other and filled each other in about things that have happened and how we have dealt with them etc.
I think it would be a good idea if you discussed ds1’s feelings with him over this weekend while you are in X and ds2 could be looked after by someone else. I think he would really appreciate it and you could identify things he thinks he would like to happen. I have found it helpful to involved them in drawing up house rules and ds2 might like writing them down with pens/colours etc.
End of email.
That's as far as I've got. Hits haven't been hard I think and ds1 has said other stuff about ex being distant, slouching around and being lazy - all of which I know and have experienced/seen for myself. Not bad enough to withhold contact I suppose, but should I be standing by while ds1 is so upset and adamant he doesn't want to be there?