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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that children are babied too much these days

462 replies

BlueMirror · 21/02/2018 10:20

I think it's really sad that many children aren't allowed the independence I had when I was younger. We live on a very quiet road and while some primary age children are allowed to play outside and climb the trees in the field opposite many aren't.
I also know of 18/19 yr olds who live at home and are basically treated like young teens with their parents calling them by the minutes to check on them, restricting where they can go/who they can see. They are adults!
Aibu to think that if you aren't even allowed out of the door by yourself until you're 11 then you're not going to be fully independent by age 18 and that adolescence now seems to extend into the 20's for many young people?
Supervised 'play dates' for 10+ year olds now seem to be a thing going by threads on here! What happened to going and knocking on your friends doors and seeing who could come out?
For comparison it was normal when I was younger to walk yourself to school age 7 and children played outside from much younger. By the time you hit your teens you were expected to be responsible and behave as an adult with all the freedoms that go with that. Aibu to think that kids are generally overprotected these days?

OP posts:
Mymycherrypie · 21/02/2018 13:18

crunchymint is there any actual evidence to that, that sheltered teenagers are less likely to tell their parents negative experiences? As I’ve said, I had many negative experiences and was allowed to roam free, and I never once told my mum any of it because I’d gone outside the “safe” zone she told me to stay in so didn’t want to get in to trouble.

IamPickleRick · 21/02/2018 13:21

Crunchy, it’s not all bollox...I have family members who lived on this estate.

www.standard.co.uk/news/crime/baby-abandoned-on-doorstep-after-teen-steals-car-with-him-inside-as-mother-watches-in-horr-a3290921.html

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 21/02/2018 13:21

Agree I had loads of freedom and never told my parents any of my experiences at all because I knew that freedom would be curtailed!

Elocutioner · 21/02/2018 13:22

Plus the access to technology and all that brings with it. Unsuitable content they may be exposed to

You can't protect them from that, you can only educate them about it.

crunchymint · 21/02/2018 13:22

I simply meant that kids whose parents want to protect them from negative experiences, if they are given a bit of freedom and have a negative experience, have a pretty good reason not to tell parents about as their freedom is likely to be curtailed again.

cheekymonk · 21/02/2018 13:23

I let my ds play outside from about 5, keeping an eye on him by leaving door open, he played with similar aged and slightly older children. He was diagnosed with ASD at 12 and is currently receiving home tuition as too anxious to attend school. I wonder if I gave too much freedom.

crunchymint · 21/02/2018 13:23

Iam Yes I remember that case, it was all over the news. Because it is so so rare.

Human beings are terrible at general in assessing risk.

Elocutioner · 21/02/2018 13:24

IamPickle it's a very rare one off.

Its all about your own perception of risk. I am likely to see every news story like that as a very rare one off. Not much will change that.

Others see the same new story as proof that there's a real risk to their children. It's just their perception.

Bettyfood · 21/02/2018 13:24

Stranger murder is rare. However the number of very strange and violent men out there is common enough that a lot women have pretty much daily problems with groping, cat-calling and worse. And that starts when you're about 12, and wearing school uniform.

I suspect for most parents the most common fear and reason for not allowing children more freedom is increased traffic, and the likelihood of them getting run over, which is not completely without logic. A lot of areas are not well-designed for pedestrians, let alone for playing out.

MrsCharlesBrandon · 21/02/2018 13:27

Elocutioner I have much the same relationship with my SIL. Her DC aren't allowed to get dirty, let alone grazed!

My eldest is 14, can and does use public transport, works, and gets herself to and from school. She cooks and cleans occasionally too. odd teen
DD2 is 12 and does much the same despite a distinct lack of common sense.
DS is 8 and can cook a spag bol.

I regularly tell my DC that I refuse to let them be kids that arrive at uni with no idea how to look after themselves.

We are very lucky as we live in a 'nice' area, but I'm still far more cautious than my parents were when I was young. I don't believe that the world is much more dangerous than 30 years ago, I do think that we know much more about it though because of SM and the internet in general. The internet itself has made it easier for people to groom too.

crunchymint · 21/02/2018 13:27

Children have to learn at some age how to deal with all of this. By children I mean under 18s

Elocutioner · 21/02/2018 13:30

True crunchy. When do you start?

To my mind you start as soon as they are able to walk. No hovering in the playground... then once they start school its all about giving them some responsibility letting them have some independence in an age appropriate way.

It's the ONLY way to approach it. If you want to bury your head in the sand then you'll end up with a 15 year old who can't get the bus alone, a 19 year old who can't go to an interview alone and a bunch of non functioning adults.

Surely that is all to be avoided? You can't protect your kids forever

SaskaTchewan · 21/02/2018 13:33

Children have to learn at some age how to deal with all of this. By children I mean under 18s

and how exactly do you deal with sex abuse, rape, violent bullying, knife attacks - (or attack with acids that are in the news)?
Have you ever been in the middle of a group attack?

Yes, when you get run over by a bus because you mess up on your bike you do learn a lesson. Bit late though.

ChillychickenMum · 21/02/2018 13:33

We live in a semi rural area ( every time a house is for sale, we are described as such ) number of culdesacs in a very small village.
One of my neighbours said he was going to report me to social services for letting my 6yr old play out by her self..( she was on our drive and the end of our cul de sac)
He obviously didn’t care though, when my two older children played out for years ( he didn’t have a child then, so took no notice)
I hate the man...he even let his toddler play with power tools at the time !

Mymycherrypie · 21/02/2018 13:34

Elocutioner, this is why I posted the crime map upthread. You can see all the crimes. Too often, the perception is an underestimation. Houses and street look nice, ah well obviously it’s a nice area. Not always so.

crunchymint · 21/02/2018 13:35

Saska I was replying to the comment about traffic, parked cars, cat calling, flashers.

SweetheartNeckline · 21/02/2018 13:36

Agree that there are several different points being conflated here. The bottom line is that as a society we understand more that children are not mini adults - they literally don't have the same powers of reasoning, long term thinking etc. That's why at a societal level 17 year olds are more likely to drink drive and crash cars. That said I am very hopeful that my DC will be able to walk to the sweet shop themselves at 10. They can already dress themselves and sort out a bowl of cereal (4 & 6) in the morning if needed but at the same time they are my much wanted and adored DC and sometimes it's ok to pander to them with cuddles or dressing them and yes, time management is also a factor.

I think the increased use of cars has had a far reaching impact though. If DC are driven everywhere they don't practise crossing roads, and roads are so very busy with all the cars! Yet parents who don't drive are judged for pushchair / sling use but strapping straight into a car seat to go 2 miles is fine. And people don't have time to walk 2 miles after after school club pick up etc.

SaskaTchewan · 21/02/2018 13:37

I don't think seeing a flasher at 12 is teaching anyone anything.

crunchymint · 21/02/2018 13:37

No not 17 year olds. 17 year old men. That is because culture and upbringing is crucial. It is not about biological determinism.

crunchymint · 21/02/2018 13:38

Saska So supervise kids at all time until what age? What age do you think kids can go out alone?

malificent7 · 21/02/2018 13:38

Why are kids going to the park alone feral? If so, mine is most definately feral!

IamPickleRick · 21/02/2018 13:38

Having spent many evenings on that estate, I can guarantee you that risks to children/adults/anything not strapped down are not rare! It’s all about where you live. If you live in an Enid Blyton novel then cool, not all of us do.

Elocutioner · 21/02/2018 13:39

I don't think seeing a dick at 12 is going to scar you for life either though

GreenbackBoogy · 21/02/2018 13:44

YANBU - You hear of perfect healthy 6/7/8 year olds still having baby monitors in their bedroom and you think, "why"?!

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 21/02/2018 13:44

Keeping kids indoors isn't going to solve any problems, those kids will be the first to shag about and overdose on MDMA at uni

While I agree that keeping children indoors all the time isn’t great, IME, the druggiest drop outs at university were often those who had a lot of freedom as children and teenagers. Some of them had a lot of drugs as teenagers in the communities they grew up in and just continued at university. Another few were former public school boarders who had been free from parental supervision for years. So I just don’t buy the above^^. If anything worried me about too much supervision, it might be that more sheltered children / teenagers might end up being a bit lacking in resilience.

To whoever said that a flasher is just par for the course and that you can’t keep children away from these negative experiences; I said that I had some kind of weird, sort of sexual experiences, with older boys before I was 9yo. I won’t go into details here, but nothing terribly serious. Still it is something I wouldn’t like my dd to experience at that age. I don’t think it should be par for the course really. I wouldn’t say I’m traumatised by it or anything, but I certainly look back and think it was all a bit grim. By comparison, when I was wanked at, years later as a student, (right in the middle of Paris in broad daylight Confused), I found it weird obviously, but also could laugh it off. I’m not saying children have to be sheltered from negative experiences till they’re 18, but I think 7 or 8 is too young, which is why I probably wouldn’t allow as much freedom as I had growing up.