To not want to pay for grave right now?

[NoticeBored]

I'll try to give as much information as possible without drip feeding or outing myself. I don't think I'm BU and as it's sensitive I'm aware in real life I can't really ask without sounding crass/causing upset which I'm loathe to do.

My dear father passed away recently. He had a long term partner of 10 years although they lived separately through choice. They spent about 5 nights a week together in either home. She wants to be buried with him.

His partner very kindly agreed to split the cost of the funeral with me and my siblings - who didn't speak to him due to a messy divorce from mum. His DP now wants to put the headstone up. She has recently had a massive windfall (150k+) and wants top of the range, all singing and dancing gravestone and surrounds. She is not willing to compromise on this and wants me to split the cost. I am officially next of Kin and can categorically say that my siblings won't contribute.

I genuinely cannot afford this. We are a single income family and tbh I had to take out a bank loan to cover my portion of the funeral and all the associated costs. I would be willing to pay half of the grave etc. if it was a reasonable price but there is no room for compromise with her. We will have two incomes next year and I have said if she's willing to wait to the end of 2019 I would be happy to do it then. She wants it up now. I am also not willing to owe her the money. I have said to either do it alone now or wait to next year to I can afford it.

I'm very aware she thinks I'm being out of line by refusing to do it now and pay her back but a) I'm not willing to 'owe' her, b) I think the expense she wants is excessive and don't want to be throwing away unnecessary money, c) she is insisting on it being done so quickly as not to mess with her benefits.

Given that she paid £1000 for the funeral AIBU insisting she either does it now and pays it herself or waits to next Christmas if she wants to share the cost? My share of her grave will be more expensive than what I paid for the funeral. Happy to hear all opinions but please don't be too harsh!

Ffs it's the app, not me that didn't bother with paragraphs!

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.

If she wishes to have a full bells and whistles head stone then she will need to foot the bill for that. She is being unreasonable in not even considering your financial circumstances.

You tell her that you can afford X pounds. if she wishes to have a grave stone worth Y pounds than she can make up the difference.

Very sorry for the loss of your father, it hurts doesnt it and you simply do not need the extra grief.

As an aside I thought (but I might be dreaming) that a burial plot was required to settle for 12-18 months before a grave stone is put in place because the earth will sink somewhat. (Prepared to be told Im wrong!)

As nok, you get to make the decision surely. What headstone do you want?

If she wants the stone/surround etc, then the cost is down to her.

Yanbu

Tell her you’re not doing it and if she keeps banging on about it you’ll let the DWP know she’s just come into money.

No idea if it will affect her benefits but it might shut her up.

YANBU - what a horrible situation. Hope it gets resolved quickly.

It will be her grave also, so she is effectively asking you to pay the whole of your dad's share, is that right?

I can understand why she wants to do it ASAP, as that's probably part and parcel of the grieving process, however that has no affect upon the budget you can afford for this. I would simply work out the sum you can afford, (and the dates you can afford to contribute those amounts), and maybe show her what you can buy with that, then draw a line under it. You can contribute what you can afford, and that's it.

She won’t be able to put a headstone up right away, as a pp said, the ground has to settle for (I think) 6 months

You tell her that you can afford X pounds. if she wishes to have a grave stone worth Y pounds than she can make up the difference.

This. She doesn’t get to decide what you spend! You do. It’s your money. You decide on your own budget and tell her that’s what she can have and that’s it. do it all in writing.

Why is the cost not coming out of the estate?

If nok gets to make the final decision then you can go for what you want regardless of her wishes. If not, then could you say 'I can afford £ now / at y date, take it or leave it'? If she wants OTT expensive option then she pays for it - you're not obliged to fork out just because she's got money.

Sorry for your loss. Yanbu offer what you can afford and nothing else

Sorry for the loss of your father

She's on a slippery slope wrt benefits, I hope she's not doing anything foolish! There's nothing to stop her paying the deposit for the trimmings she wants whilst waiting for your contribution- which should be no more than you can/want to pay and on your timescale. I presume she has the deeds for the grave?

You have to just tell her, straight up, that the cost is beyond your means. The more straightforwardly you do this, the clearer it is that it isn't a choice - you simply cannot afford this. Decide what you can afford, and give her a hard figure.

Forgive the bluntness of the question, but do you stand to inherit much from your father? If so, I think the situation is slightly different because you will be able to afford considerably more in the future than you can now.

You have to wait at least six months for the ground to settle, possibly longer.

Do you think that she might be trying to dispose of her recent inheritance a bit sharpish, so that she'll carry on receiving means tested benefits? That would be benefit fraud wouldn't it?
You would be wrong to dob her in as it might not be the case, but just saying...

Presumably he is properly buried and the funeral is complete. If so apologise and say that your part is done and all you are willing to offer is half of a reasonably priced headstone

Also what benefits is she getting with her windfall?

Did your Dad leave an estate? Any funeral costs should come out of that.

Hi, sorry about your Dad, as someone else mentioned this should be coming out of your Dad's estate rather than you coming up with the money.

She's on benefits and has a windfall of £150k??

Tell her how much you can afford and point out how that is half (or more than half) a standard gravestone. Explain that you cannot afford more and that if she wants something fancier, she will have to fund it herself. Then do not enter into any further dialogue on the matter.

Sorry to clarify, dad had no estate. He rented. There was a total of £400 from his bank account which I split evenly between his children and her (as she did pay towards the funeral). It is also sailing close to the line of benefit fraud and whilst I think it's outrageous, it's not my business.