To not want to pay for grave right now?

[NoticeBored]

I'll try to give as much information as possible without drip feeding or outing myself. I don't think I'm BU and as it's sensitive I'm aware in real life I can't really ask without sounding crass/causing upset which I'm loathe to do.

My dear father passed away recently. He had a long term partner of 10 years although they lived separately through choice. They spent about 5 nights a week together in either home. She wants to be buried with him.

His partner very kindly agreed to split the cost of the funeral with me and my siblings - who didn't speak to him due to a messy divorce from mum. His DP now wants to put the headstone up. She has recently had a massive windfall (150k+) and wants top of the range, all singing and dancing gravestone and surrounds. She is not willing to compromise on this and wants me to split the cost. I am officially next of Kin and can categorically say that my siblings won't contribute.

I genuinely cannot afford this. We are a single income family and tbh I had to take out a bank loan to cover my portion of the funeral and all the associated costs. I would be willing to pay half of the grave etc. if it was a reasonable price but there is no room for compromise with her. We will have two incomes next year and I have said if she's willing to wait to the end of 2019 I would be happy to do it then. She wants it up now. I am also not willing to owe her the money. I have said to either do it alone now or wait to next year to I can afford it.

I'm very aware she thinks I'm being out of line by refusing to do it now and pay her back but a) I'm not willing to 'owe' her, b) I think the expense she wants is excessive and don't want to be throwing away unnecessary money, c) she is insisting on it being done so quickly as not to mess with her benefits.

Given that she paid £1000 for the funeral AIBU insisting she either does it now and pays it herself or waits to next Christmas if she wants to share the cost? My share of her grave will be more expensive than what I paid for the funeral. Happy to hear all opinions but please don't be too harsh!

With having to leave the ground to settle it wouldn't be put up for a good few months but she wants it booked and paid asap. I really can't afford anything towards it atm; we already lived hand to mouth and now are having to find money for repayments towards the loan we took. Whilst I don't overly think I'm BU I am conscious of the fact she is happy for me to repay it next year and I'm not happy with that. 99% we should be on a better footing next Christmas but I don't want to take the chance that something happens meaning we can't and I'm stuck with oweing money I can't afford. Does that make me selfish?

No, she is being v unreasonable. Often people are in grief and forget other people are grieving too. Just be calm and clear, don't give in to blackmail

She'll have a job hiding £150k if she's on means tested benefits. It's a bit crass of her wanting to pay for this fancy grave as a convenient way to get rid of capital. Don't think I'd allow it at all if it was one of my parents. I don't really agree with benefit fraud.

If she was his partner and that will also be her headstone let her pay.
If she wasnt in the picture and you were paying you and your siblings would share, choose a modest headstone and do it when you could afford it.
Tell her!!
Is there any reason that you need her to be part of your life going forward? If not just tell her straight. If that's what she wants she can go ahead.

Not at all selfish. Even a basic headstone costs a lot (I think my DFs cost around £2k and that's just a simple headstone where his ashes are buried) so I can't imagine how much she is wanting to spend if she's wanting a big showy thing, but you are entirely reasonable to say you can't contribute right now, if at all and she will have to sort it out herself.

Don't ruin your own finances for something that, in the great scheme of things, doesn't matter one iota. Your love for your DF is not measured by how flash his headstone is.

And I definitely wouldn't do anything to co-operate with her claiming benefits to which she's not entitled. I assume that she's hoping to hide the £150k from the DWP?

Sorry for your loss.

I deal with burial paperwork through work.

Pay nothing towards the stone for several months - wait till the grief is a tad less raw and then agree on a design / your contribution to the cost.

In some burial grounds its 8 months, the average is 6, before a stone can go up.

i would tell her that your siblings have refused to contribute (are you sure? worth asking?), and that as you're living hand to mouth and already had to take out a bank loan for the funeral, all you can afford now, and in the foreseeable future, is xx amount. you can't afford any more, and you will only be able to contribute that xx amount next year.

and then don't discuss it anymore. don't answer any more arguments. she'll get the message.

Can;t help thinking the windfall may actually be a Pension Payout from your dad, it goes to who ever he named and you wouldn't know anything about it.

Tell her your sorry you won't be doing this yet, if she wished to at her own expense that is fine with you, then say nothing else.

I would assume the last thing your df would want is you getting into more debt. You don't need a garish headstone to reflect how much you loved him. Let his dp do her own thing and don't be dragged into discussions.

Has the estate been settled?

The money in your late father's estate should have been used towards the funeral. As NOK you get to decide what sort of gravestone, if any, is placed on your DF's grave. This lady doesn't get to dictate. Sorry for your loss

So sorry for your loss. As someone said upthread you have to leave a grave to settle for at least a year before you can add the headstone. Don't know whether that's just the SE but it was certainly the case for my DM. She passed away in 2016 and the gravestone was finally erected in December 2017. Have you asked around re costs. I think ours was £1000 but maybe that was because there was already a stone there as my brother and dad had died previously and we just needed to add DM's name and age etc.

Personally I'd let her go ahead if that's what she wants to do and I don't think I would promise to help her out in a year. You'll help maintain ie flowers etc but you can't afford to contribute.

Oops sorry.

I’d be very clear, it’s what you can afford or nothing.

Just tell her you can't afford to contribute to the headstone at all currently. This may change in a year, but may not. If she wants it and is trying to get rid of 150k, she can pay for it!

Definitely not selfish at all. Keep it simple. Tell her you had to take a loan already and can't afford anything more right now. If she wants to do more, that's up to her. Please don't get further into debt over this

I do find it really sad that his other kids don’t speak to him. Was he awful? Or did they just feel that they had to take sides.

I’d contribute but a smaller amount.

If they are going to be buried together, this fancy headstone is surely more about them as a couple than him as your father. I would offer a contribution within your means but really I think she should be paying for it as it is her choice, not yours.

Penfold007
As NOK you get to decide what sort of gravestone, if any, is placed on your DF's grave.

Not strictly true. I 'own' my FILs grave. Primarily as I'm the youngest member of the next generation, I get to say what goes on it. Not the NOK. Clearly in my case I wouldn't dream of being so dictatorial, but I could if I chose.

If he was on benefits and you are on a low income can't you apply for a funeral grant? It's not a huge amount but would help. And then set your budget and say you can't go over that.

I,think its best just to say you can't afford it and at the moment and don't feel you want to discuss it any further. Would you like to pay to have his name placed in the book of remembrance instead, thats a permanent reminder and somewhere you can visit.

You are being generous. If she wants something so excessive then of course she must pay.

And yes - you can't put up a gravestone for somewhile.

Tell her she can go ahead but you will not be contributing anymore towards it.

Who's next of kin I'm sure they have the say so what happens officially

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this on top of your bereavement.

An all singing all dancing grave marker won't benefit anyone except the funeral provider if it will bring you more stress than comfort in the long run.

It makes no difference to your dad, it doesn't change your relationship with him, or how you felt about each other. It doesn't sound as though this is a memorial you would choose even if money were no object, so if it's not then don't go beggaring yourself.

This sounds brutal, but you can do more good for your family by saving your money, clearing your debt and providing as well as you possibly can for your dad's grandchildren. They are his legacy to the world, not a stone in a cemetery.

If his partner wants to do something different then she can pay for it herself with her windfall. Decide what level of contribution you can afford (if any), make it conditional on the wording being agreed, and stick to that.

Just say NO

I am very sorry we cannot afford this particular gravestone, so I will not be contributing half.

Either accept a small donation or pay for it yourself.