Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Poorly wife. Husband not coping.

121 replies

Gingerfishpogo · 18/02/2018 19:57

This is going to sound rotten. And it's long.

My wife was diagnosed last year with "mild" Bronchiectasis a lung condition for which there is no cure.

She is always short of breath always tired and wiped out.

She used to be so fit. Used to do triathlons, swim 1000's of metres and run for 6 miles. She did ride London twice. Now she is always short of breath and always ill. If she gets a normal mild cold it really puts her back and has a far more dramatic impact on her than a non sufferer.

I try to support her as much as i can. I take the kids out whenever I can (2 girls aged 5 and 6) and my shifts allow. We are both shift workers and I work 7 out of 10 weekends which puts pressure on her when i am not around.

I am on a flexi pattern but have to work 90% of my shift with my team and i am dead on 90% so there isn't anymore wriggle room.

I take the kids out to clubs in the evenings as much as i can and do all the house work, maintenance and just try to take as much pressure off her as i can and I don't mind doing it (the only thing I struggle with is cooking but i can do a mean fish fingers chips and beans).

The rotten part is I can't help but blame her. Two to three years ago she started complaining of repeated chest infections and fatigue. I badgered her and badgered her to go to a gp but she wouldn't. Eventually she did go but played it down so they just said it was a virus. It all got worse. Eventually it took me, my mother and her mother two years of constant badgering to finally get her to go and get proper treatment. I can't help but feel she could have got some help back then and it wouldn't be as bad now.

All I ever hear from her is how tired she is. I try to help her but she says there is nothing I can do. I feel totally left out and forgotten about. I get that she has this incurable lung condition but it is also a very mild case. Some people end up with oxygen every night and rrally struggling and she is not like that at all.

I feel i am not married to a women anymore and am married to a chest infection.

I just want to scream at her "I EXIST. I MATTER I AM YOUR HUSBAND NOT SOME BLOKE WHO LIVES ON YOUR HOUSE AND HELPS OUT WITH ODD JOBS AND FERRYING CHILDREN ABOUT".

I know I am being selfish. I am no angel and could be a better husband but in the same way I don't know what else I could do to support her.

Just venting I guess.
Anyone have any tips?

OP posts:
outofmydepth45 · 18/02/2018 20:00

Being a carer sucks, but it sounds like she still looks after herself?

Can you find a carers chariety?

ClemDanfango · 18/02/2018 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thedogsmells · 18/02/2018 20:03

Tbh, she works and does the cooking by the sounds of it, so it isn't like she is say around having grapes peeled for her. She's coming to terms with a massive seismic shift to her life and life expectancy. You are not doing any more than a vast majority of parents, so bar her feeling (rightfully) sorry for herself, I'm not sure what she is doing wrong?

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 18/02/2018 20:04

I had to laugh at clems remark 😁.
But I couldn't help but feel a bit resentful too if she didn't go and get help earlier. I don't like this.. I don't want to make a fuss then cause other people massive burden.

Have you ever told her how's you feel.. Pain is debilitating.
If you talk to her kindly about this... It may help abd perhaps you can try and re organise your life a bit.

John4703 · 18/02/2018 20:05

It was 5 years ago that my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, she had surgery, chemotherapy, radio therapy and the treatment caused heart failure.
She also had chronic high blood pressure and arthritis.
She had her lymph nodes removed and has chronic lymphedema.
A year ago she had a knee replacement due to arthritis.
I've been with her to over 400 medical appointments. It has been a rough 5 years but she is slowly recovering and is still me wite. She has never been anyone other than the beautiful person I married for better or for worse.
Stick with your wife, care for her, love her and halp her.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 18/02/2018 20:10

Yeah, that's really helpful Clem.

Is she definitely using everything that could help now? Would oxygen possibly help if she's lethargic.

How are your friends and family supporting you? Would it be possible sometimes to have some respite care so that you and DW could spend some time together.

I don't blame you feeling a bit resentful TBH, but it's done now so you need to accept it and leave it in the past.

Caring is difficult. Some people seem to be under the impression that all people who need care become instant saints, but like everybody else they can sometimes be annoying, ungrateful, demanding and inconsiderate.

I would second getting in touch with a carers charity for support. And trying to spend some time with your wife one on one as a couple doing normal couple things rather than carer/caree things all the time.

overnightangel · 18/02/2018 20:11

@ClemDanfango helpful Confused

murmuration · 18/02/2018 20:11

Can you find a carer’s support group? I see them advertised at my GP... you need to look after yourself and have your feelings heard otherwise it will all get worse.

I have done sympathy- my DH is long term ill and sometimes it gets me quite angry when he does things that he should know aren’t good for him and then is surprised at the result. But no one is perfect, and there is a lot of denial that can go on from the sick person’s perspective- I know as I have a milder condition that I sometimes ignore!

You’re feelings are valid, but you need to find an outlet beyond your wife to support you.

Outnotdown · 18/02/2018 20:11

Sorry to hear of your situation, how you are feeling is understandable. It sounds like your wife is struggling to come to terms with her diagnosis, also understandably.

I would seek support for both of you. Perhaps there is a support group for sufferers of her condition and their families?

Otherwise I would look into counselling, both individually and as a couple. This will be a major stress on your relationship, and it would likely be helpful to have somewhere to air all the issues that her illness will raise.

Good luck

MaggieFS · 18/02/2018 20:13

My mum has Bronchiectasis and whilst not severe, it really does have an impact on everyday activities and everyday life. It's tough on both of you.

I think you both need some kind of help and support. I'm no expert and don't know if it's counselling but I was always told the place to start is with your GP.

Please do this before you get more resentful. I hope it works out.

Allthewaves · 18/02/2018 20:15

I'd second a carers support group. I'd also look at getting help at home - cleaner etc. Does she want to carry on working?

Bunbunbunny · 18/02/2018 20:15

Get support you can’t do it all alone & your dw should also get some counselling as well as your lives have changed dramatically

AssassinatedBeauty · 18/02/2018 20:16

Do you know that the condition wouldn't be as bad if she had gone and seen someone sooner? Has someone qualified actually said that would have been the case?

Either way, many people are like this about their health, sometimes especially people who are very fit and normally well. It's not fair to continually hold it against her. You need to find a way of letting that go otherwise it will continue to affect your relationship possibly to the point it's not recoverable.

If she's working full time shift work then she will be tired, with this condition, surely? Do you want her not to say so?

I think you need some support and maybe some counselling to figure out why her health condition is making you so angry and how you can move forwards.

balsamicbarbara · 18/02/2018 20:17

Find ways to make your life easier. Fewer clubs for the kids, design your lives so the housework is reduced a little etc. But if it's all too much then consider the options. If the genders were switched here people would be giving you sterner advice I suspect

retirednow · 18/02/2018 20:17

You are both having to deal with a illness, you says its mild but it has obviously had a massive effect on both of you, you both work, share the household jobs. I can understand why you feel resentful that she didn't seem to want help earlier, would it have made any difference, I wonder if she has been referred to a lung care nurse who you could both speak to.

ThisIsSylviaDaisyPouncer · 18/02/2018 20:20

Hi OP. My dad had bronchiectasis and later, other forms of chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD). I am so sorry for both your wife and yourself, it is a terrible and debilitating disease.

A couple of points jumped out at me from your post. One is I do think you’re being unfair to blame her for not getting an earlier diagnosis. In practical terms, it’s a chronic lung disease ... there’s no getting better from it and the treatment is to manage the condition, not cure it. So it’s understandable but try not to vent your anger and frustration in that direction.

On the other hand she really does have to work hard too. One of the things I really stressed with my dad is that you cannot over-exercise with COPD ... you need to push yourself as staying physically fit us the single best thing you can do to keep the condition at bay. Obviously your wife will get more tired, more quickly ... but try to see tiredness as a positive, she is working her chest and body and that will help her stay fit. Supplementary oxygen should be a last resort - it does help, but it’s very intrusive and inevitably you will find you start to live your life around it.

I hope these thoughts help - there are also lots of COPD forums and charities that can give you more tailored advice. Flowers

Longdistance · 18/02/2018 20:20

So sorry to hear your wife isn’t well.

I’m sure she feels very frustrated at her situation. I was unwell myself a few years ago, and it was a very testing time. Coupled with the fact that we were living in Oz at the time.

We ended up going to marriage counselling as I was falling into a depression. My dh was more than unhelpful with the situation, and had to remind him of our wedding vows. Sometimes, everything clouds your judgement, but you have to remember why you got married in the first place.

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 18/02/2018 20:20

Clemdanfango, whilst most of us would agree that there are a lot of selfish men out there who don't do half as much as their partners, it is a bit harsh to tell OP suck it up or leave, like these are the only two options available ..

OP
I do agree that you are perhaps getting a taste of what a lot of women do day in and out and it is bloody hard. But it's compunded by illness and constant juggling takes its toll.
This situation will only get worse so perhaps best you try harder to communicate about it now. Listen to her and ask her to listen to you. All cards on the table. Get it all out there. It might be uncomfortable but what have you to lose? Your wife may still be struggling to cope with the diagnosis and i would not be surprised if she was feeling depressed on top of everything else.

Unfortunately, with many chronic conditions fatigue is common, and it can be difficult for others (especially those closest) to really sympathise when the physical symptoms are not so obvious. You say she works shifts, how many hours a week and are they long shifts? Do yiu have anyone to help out with the kids to give you some time for just the two of you?

tumblrpigeon · 18/02/2018 20:22

Op actually you do sound like an angel !

CisMyArse · 18/02/2018 20:24

Not RTFT so I don't know if it's been asked.

Does your wife have to work full time? Can you afford to reduce hours somewhere?

Your DC don't have to attend lots of clubs and training events? Down time at home is crucial too - can you cut down on stuff and have more home-time?

Can you afford a cleaner? Someone to do laundry/ironing?

crunchymint · 18/02/2018 20:26

No bronchiecstasis is not always better if treated earlier, so you are wrong to say that. It is a very misunderstood illness by the public, and very hard to deal with. Oxygen only helps some sufferers, and is rarely given to someone with a mild case.

Crunched · 18/02/2018 20:27

John4703 Halo

crunchymint · 18/02/2018 20:28

And he is not a saint. This will be much harder for her.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 18/02/2018 20:29

Make sure you get your own support as suggested earlier . Your life has had a seismic shift and you need to get some listening and peer group support . Good luck it’s vrry very hard for everyone