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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Poorly wife. Husband not coping.

121 replies

Gingerfishpogo · 18/02/2018 19:57

This is going to sound rotten. And it's long.

My wife was diagnosed last year with "mild" Bronchiectasis a lung condition for which there is no cure.

She is always short of breath always tired and wiped out.

She used to be so fit. Used to do triathlons, swim 1000's of metres and run for 6 miles. She did ride London twice. Now she is always short of breath and always ill. If she gets a normal mild cold it really puts her back and has a far more dramatic impact on her than a non sufferer.

I try to support her as much as i can. I take the kids out whenever I can (2 girls aged 5 and 6) and my shifts allow. We are both shift workers and I work 7 out of 10 weekends which puts pressure on her when i am not around.

I am on a flexi pattern but have to work 90% of my shift with my team and i am dead on 90% so there isn't anymore wriggle room.

I take the kids out to clubs in the evenings as much as i can and do all the house work, maintenance and just try to take as much pressure off her as i can and I don't mind doing it (the only thing I struggle with is cooking but i can do a mean fish fingers chips and beans).

The rotten part is I can't help but blame her. Two to three years ago she started complaining of repeated chest infections and fatigue. I badgered her and badgered her to go to a gp but she wouldn't. Eventually she did go but played it down so they just said it was a virus. It all got worse. Eventually it took me, my mother and her mother two years of constant badgering to finally get her to go and get proper treatment. I can't help but feel she could have got some help back then and it wouldn't be as bad now.

All I ever hear from her is how tired she is. I try to help her but she says there is nothing I can do. I feel totally left out and forgotten about. I get that she has this incurable lung condition but it is also a very mild case. Some people end up with oxygen every night and rrally struggling and she is not like that at all.

I feel i am not married to a women anymore and am married to a chest infection.

I just want to scream at her "I EXIST. I MATTER I AM YOUR HUSBAND NOT SOME BLOKE WHO LIVES ON YOUR HOUSE AND HELPS OUT WITH ODD JOBS AND FERRYING CHILDREN ABOUT".

I know I am being selfish. I am no angel and could be a better husband but in the same way I don't know what else I could do to support her.

Just venting I guess.
Anyone have any tips?

OP posts:
crunchymint · 19/02/2018 14:24

Agreed, I don't think you are a carer.

Original poster
Gingerfishpogo · 19/02/2018 15:02

Christ almighty people when did I say I classed myself as a carer? I don't and never have done.

Welsh and Dungeon. You seem to know that I offer no additional support? How do you know I don't?
I do a hell of a lot more than just childcare and house stuff.

I am always trying to talk to her ask her what she needs do things for her. I told her to reduce her hours and support her on doctor visits.

Yes I've been unfair being angry about it but hey I have these things called emotions which I try and manage.

I came on here for support and advice.
Most people have been very helpful and for that I am grateful and it really is appreciated. She had joined some fb groups and we ARE tackling this together.

When did I say it was worse for me than her? It isn't. I don't struggle to breathe. She struggles getting upstairs. If course she had it worse than me.

Thanks to all that have been helpful.

This whining non husband who needs to man up has taken the positives and left the building.

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 19/02/2018 15:16

Sounds like you need to spend more time as a couple rather than as a carer/patient type.

Could you come up with ideas for a date night once the children are in bed? Massage maybe? Good comedy film with popcorn and a duvet.

TERFette · 19/02/2018 15:21

No wonder folk hate mumsnet, some of you are utterly horrible, androgynistic creatures.

AssassinatedBeauty · 19/02/2018 15:23

Do you mean antagonistic?

Dungeondragon15 · 19/02/2018 15:31

Christ almighty people when did I say I classed myself as a carer? I don't and never have done.

You haven't. My comment was directed at all the posters who have given you sympathy on the basis that "it is hard to be a carer" and suggested that you find a carers support group etc etc. I'm glad that you don't class yourself as one!

Welsh and Dungeon. You seem to know that I offer no additional support? How do you know I don't?

I do a hell of a lot more than just childcare and house stuff.

You haven't suggested that you are looking after her personal needs or that she could not cope without you though which would be my definition of a carer. From the fact that she works and is doing the majority of childcare and a lot of the cooking, it is clear that she is independent and doesn't require a "carer"

I'm not saying that you shouldn't be angry with life at the moment or that things aren't hard. As someone who does have a life limiting chronic health condition myself I find it hard to sympathise that much with your though as you seem to be more bothered about yourself than your wife and are even trying to blame her for her illness.

Welshmaenad · 19/02/2018 15:38

I didn't say you classed yourself as a carer, other people made that statement. But I am struggling to understand why you aren't 'coping' with what is no more than half the load of juggling a home and young family.

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 19/02/2018 15:55

androgynistic the opposite to misogynistic

Dungeondragon15 · 19/02/2018 16:02

androgynistic the opposite to misogynistic

Eh??

Nikephorus · 19/02/2018 16:10

Just to say in terms of employers, OP is not doing any more caring than most mothers who work full time and do all the housework
But the OP has no-one to vent to - his wife has him to complain at about how she feels, he can't reciprocate because that would seem unfair. It not's the workload that is the problem, it's being the one carrying the emotional burden without having an off switch as a respite from it.

Mrsdraper1 · 19/02/2018 16:21

Sorry to hear about your wife's illness.
I think you need to get yourselves more organised around the house, you said you can't stretch to a cleaner are you sure you couldn't stretch to a once a month blitz?
If you really can't afford it maybe you could sit down together and make a list of what needs doing each week and when and by whom it will be done. Flylady is a great online resource, there is even an app. She tells you each day what to do. That way each time you do something around the house you are doing something constructive and not just fire fighting.
Organise food, plan meals and organise your freezer with easy to do staples. There is loads of info online.
You and your wife need to work together. That can't happen till you talk to each other.
I think you need to encourage her to take good care of herself. PP have mentioned strategies for preventing infections and you haven't mentioned what specialist advice she has had if any. She needs to look after herself and prioritise her health (it sounds like she didn't before which contributed to her delay in getting medical help).
I understand you feel angry, you have had a lot to take in and it's not what you expected in life but you are right you will have to find a way to deal with that. Can you get any counselling through work? Or via GP? Even just a few sessions to talk through how you feel in a non judgemental, safe environment? It might help to get it all off your chest.
I am sure this is a common reaction to a situation like this and I am sure you are not the only person who has felt this way.
I hope things get better.

anxious2017 · 19/02/2018 16:29

Your poor wife. If my husband made a comment such as "married to a chest infection", I'd be devastated. I really hope she doesn't have anything really serious happen to her like a stroke, so that you'd resent her even more.

I thank my lucky stars that my husband does all that you do and probably more as he is my carer, without thinking of me as my illness and not a person.

MissWilmottsGhost · 19/02/2018 16:46

I think the word you're looking for is something like misandrist TERF and hooferdoofer Grin

Anyway, OP you should really think about helping her reduce her working hours IMO. Or maybe change from shifts to regular days?

When DH and I both worked full time and I was very ill and exhausted it put a big strain on our marriage. We decided the money wasn't worth destroying our relationship for, and cut back to be able to afford the drop in income.

We had no choice really, my health was deteriorating and I would have ended up on long term sick leave and losing my job eventually anyway. The change saved my health, my marriage and my career too.

Dungeondragon15 · 19/02/2018 17:12

But the OP has no-one to vent to - his wife has him to complain at about how she feels, he can't reciprocate because that would seem unfair. It not's the workload that is the problem, it's being the one carrying the emotional burden without having an off switch as a respite from it.

I doubt that his wife feels particularly free to vent actually. For anyone with a serious illness family are not always the best people to vent to as essentially your problem is their problem. Given that OP seems to feel quite angry and resentful towards his wife (she will have picked up on this) I think it even more likely she does not find him a good source of emotional support. I'm sure that she would very much benefit from outside support.

Thedogsmells · 19/02/2018 17:44

androgynism, androgyny
the possession of the characteristics of both sexes; hermaphroditism. Also androgyneity. — androgynous. adj.

Teapotmadam · 19/02/2018 18:30

Not sure why people are being arseholes to You, why kick a man who us struggling?!?

It did has long term health problems, we've had months where I have had to care so considerable for him, he is slowly getting better but j think it is only natural to feel that life is unfair when the person you live is struggling, when the life you envisaged together changes dramatically to what you had thought.

Being the spouse of someone chronically ill can be difficult, I adore my dh but even he days I can see it's hard for you too. Maybe some 1 to 1 counselling woukd hekp you, vent to someone who can give you practically coping skills and work through your emotions

Teapotmadam · 19/02/2018 18:30

Sorry should say my dh has

Dungeondragon15 · 19/02/2018 18:43

Not sure why people are being arseholes to You, why kick a man who us struggling?!?

Could it be because in the OP he blames his ill wife for his struggles?! Many of us on this thread are in the position of the wife would want their Dh's to fuck off if they had a similar attitide.

crunchymint · 19/02/2018 19:04

Also OP a mild case still affects you. Someone on oxygen will probably be in and out of hospital. A mild case does not mean it does not have an impact. It can be an illness that is totally disabling and mean a reduced life expectancy for those with a more serious case. So there is no reason to be angry at the impact on her of having it mildly.

SandyY2K · 19/02/2018 19:24

There are some nasty mean spirited comments on here. Clearly coming from some very bitter people. Shame on you you know who you are.

There's a few really foul.comments on here, comments I daresay we wouldn't see if OP was a woman discussing her DH.

Agreed. There'd
be sympathy and flowers to go with it.

crunchymint · 19/02/2018 19:26

I would post the same. The issue here is emotional, not the amount of housework or childcare the OP is doing.

I suspect though if the Op had been a woman, there would have been no comments about the OP being a carer or needing extra practical support.

Teapotmadam · 19/02/2018 19:27

Surely it's natural to try to blame someone or something when your life changes dramatically, when someone you love is ill. If onlys are rhe things thst keep many pepple awake at night. Maybe you could try and be a little more human to a person in pain.

Teapotmadam · 19/02/2018 19:28

Aorry about typos on phone

Dungeondragon15 · 19/02/2018 19:47

There's a few really foul.comments on here, comments I daresay we wouldn't see if OP was a woman discussing her DH.

That is such crap. I would say exactly the same regardless of gender. In general I doubt that there would be so much sympathy from some posters about the fact OP has to do more housework if he was a woman.

Dungeondragon15 · 19/02/2018 19:49

Surely it's natural to try to blame someone or something when your life changes dramatically, when someone you love is ill.

I don't think it natural or nice to blame the sick person actually. OP does not sound at all supportive emotionally.

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