Poorly wife. Husband not coping.

[Gingerfishpogo]

This is going to sound rotten. And it's long.

My wife was diagnosed last year with "mild" Bronchiectasis a lung condition for which there is no cure.

She is always short of breath always tired and wiped out.

She used to be so fit. Used to do triathlons, swim 1000's of metres and run for 6 miles. She did ride London twice. Now she is always short of breath and always ill. If she gets a normal mild cold it really puts her back and has a far more dramatic impact on her than a non sufferer.

I try to support her as much as i can. I take the kids out whenever I can (2 girls aged 5 and 6) and my shifts allow. We are both shift workers and I work 7 out of 10 weekends which puts pressure on her when i am not around.

I am on a flexi pattern but have to work 90% of my shift with my team and i am dead on 90% so there isn't anymore wriggle room.

I take the kids out to clubs in the evenings as much as i can and do all the house work, maintenance and just try to take as much pressure off her as i can and I don't mind doing it (the only thing I struggle with is cooking but i can do a mean fish fingers chips and beans).

The rotten part is I can't help but blame her. Two to three years ago she started complaining of repeated chest infections and fatigue. I badgered her and badgered her to go to a gp but she wouldn't. Eventually she did go but played it down so they just said it was a virus. It all got worse. Eventually it took me, my mother and her mother two years of constant badgering to finally get her to go and get proper treatment. I can't help but feel she could have got some help back then and it wouldn't be as bad now.

All I ever hear from her is how tired she is. I try to help her but she says there is nothing I can do. I feel totally left out and forgotten about. I get that she has this incurable lung condition but it is also a very mild case. Some people end up with oxygen every night and rrally struggling and she is not like that at all.

I feel i am not married to a women anymore and am married to a chest infection.

I just want to scream at her "I EXIST. I MATTER I AM YOUR HUSBAND NOT SOME BLOKE WHO LIVES ON YOUR HOUSE AND HELPS OUT WITH ODD JOBS AND FERRYING CHILDREN ABOUT".

I know I am being selfish. I am no angel and could be a better husband but in the same way I don't know what else I could do to support her.

Just venting I guess.
Anyone have any tips?

Maybe it depends on your personality? But no I did not blame anyone when my DP was diagnosed with a serious chronic illness

I did say I wasn't going to come back on here a few posts up but i guess I am embroiled in this now.

Have just had a long talk with DW and have asked her extensively what more I can do to help and should she cut her hours etc.

She has told me very lovingly that I am "so supportive of me and you do so much both in terms of encouragement and with the kids and helping me out".

We have both agreed to try and be more healthy in general ad that will help.

I must admit I am a bit surprised by some of the comments on here. I really am.
As I stated originally. She has a mild case. I do not and never have regarded myself as a carer.
I do not and never have regarded myself as a hero.

Yes. I have admitted to feelings of anger. Have all you that have been unhelpful never had a bad thought or never made a negative comment about your partner. . .

I thought not.

If she had a stroke or cancer or whatever of course I would support her. I would do everything in my power to help her.

I do that now. I have admitted to feeling angry. Is that such a bad thing?

Have some of you never been angry with you partner? . . . I thought not.

I have never said it was chronic and even stated I am fully awayre that some people are on oxygen every night and DW isn't.

I am well aware that it's worse for her than me. I actually don't feel massively angry just frustrated but am also aware that earlier intervention wouldn't have made a difference.

Yes I ain't perfect but some of you seem to think you are and that I am obviously scum for daring to admit to anger.

I look at my beautiful wife everyday and see defeat on her face and I can't help her any more than I am doing. She said that herself. I feel terrible for her.

She is still the most wonderful, funny, caring, driven, no-nonsense, sexiest, kind women I have ever met and I utterly adore and desire her.

But I guess that isn't enough for some posters on here.

As I said a few times thank you to all those that have been supportive and offered helpful advice. You are wonderful people and a great help.

As for the rest of you... I really don't know what to say.

I think i will give this place a wide berth now. Have been given excellent parenting, relationship and career advice on MN previously but if people are really willing to be so disparaging without ever getting the full story (This is an internet forum after all) then I guess I will make my excuses and leave.

No doubt some of you will be glad of that.

She's still working and doing the majority of the child care and thinks that your current level of support is more than enough? What a resilient woman she is, good for her.

I'm afraid the downside of posting on a high traffic forum is that you're basically guaranteed to come across the sort of people you're now railing against. You have my sympathy, but also my firm recommendation to stop attempting to engage with them. They've already made their judgment, and they aren't going to change it in the face of mere facts.

@Gingerfishpogo Do you know you posted in AIBU and not in the support sections? You've asked if you're being unreasonable, and some people think you are based on what you've said. It seems an overreaction to bin off all of MN because you don't like how this one thread has gone.

Oh yeah, that too. Only post in AIBU if you're either (a) totally obviously in the right to the point where nobody could possibly disagree (and don't mind if someone still does), or (b) have an incredibly thick skin.

Fair point. Should have posted it in one of the health threads. Wasn't thinking when i originally posted it.
Anyways...
Just got home. Peace and love to all who don't live under bridges and eat Billy Goats.

From a brief Google search Bronchiectasis can be prevented. Obviously there will always be those that are just unlucky and get it more easily or with little aggravation to their lungs beforehand.

It doesn't sound like a case of either of those scenarios with the OP's wife so I can see how the seed of resentment was planted. But that doesn't change the now and if the marriage is to continue you probably need to find a way to let it go.

It's not as if she knew that's where this was headed, I'm guessing the average person doesn't know you can be more susceptible to Bronchiectasis if you ignore lung infections.

There are a range of causes.

So those who disagree with you are trolls? OK.

I think the Op was just reallly honest to be honest .

I Hope he realises that his wife isn’t self inflicted and he needs some hope and practical way forwards

There is light at the end of the tunnel and hopefully reading what others have said with the same condition has been helpful ?

Yeah. That's right. I am bored now and slightly amused so yeah basically.

Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!

As unfair as all this is, you OP are more than capable of managing this.

Millions of people manage with nobody to do the cooking, nobody at home etc to help

I would suggest getting a childminder on board, or an au pair to help with bits and pieces

If that’s not possible, then perhaps network at school and see if others can help out on occasion. Yes you have to offer to help in return, but you could do picnics or outings at weekends etc

You have options, you’re a bloke so won’t get viewed with the contempt and mistrust us lone parent single mothers get from all corners. Speak to work about making adjustments to your working pattern too.

There are organisations set up to help you, take all the help you can get.

Get the practical stuff covered, then you’ll be able to deal with the emotional side of this.

What you are thinking and feeling is all 100% to be expected

Wow seeing the replies here - I'm definitely not starting that support thread for partners that I suggested in a previous post!

There is very little help out there actually

I think you need support and nurturing. You are literally screaming for help, and who can blame you? It is bloody horrible living day in and day out with a chronic illness. I am sure your wife would howl with you if she had the energy.

You are doing a tremendous job juggling it all, really you are, never stop reminding yourself that you are managing incredibly well.

Perhaps consider counselling and a support group as a place to vent. This alone will help you feel you are not dealing with this by yourself. It must be lonely some days and a place just for you could make all the difference.

Outsource everything you can to whoever will help. If you can’t afford cleaners save up for a robot vacuum ( use birthdays and Christmases as a way to make life easier) and other short cuts. Robotic lawn mowers etc. Anything to make it easier.

Your wife might be ill but try to make time for romance and fun. A very funny film with a bottle of wine. Remember she is still the woman you loved and married.

Make time to have a break. Go fishing, take up a hobby, go for a beer. You need to look after you.

One activity for each child at the most. That is all we do.

Your wife may not be running marathons anymore, but she has the resilience and fight in her to keep going. Imagine what it is like every day waking up to her life. She is still the strong powerful woman but is using that strength in a different way.

I have been ill in the past. It is hell, she must feel like a terrible burden already. Stay the kind person you are, but arm yourself with some proper strategies to make life happier and easier.

@GreyCloudsToday if you start it somewhere else apart from AIBU, in a related topic, you'll get support not argument. AIBU is set up to be argumentative from the start!

Hello. I know this is an old thread... (sorry), but I have this too and would love another mum to talk to. I'm terrified and alone.

Hello
I know this is an old thread (sorry), but I also have this. I'm alone and terrified, would love to chat to another mum about it if you're still willing.

@ItsMum14

Hello. I know this is an old thread... (sorry), but I have this too and would love another mum to talk to. I'm terrified and alone.

Sorry to hear that ItsMum14. You need to start a new thread, you won’t get many answers here as everyone will be responding to the original poster.

ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT!

I hope she's got a treatment plan and is following it to the letter

www.nhs.uk/conditions/bronchiectasis/treatment/

Otherwise, I might suspect you're being suckered for a mug.

In your shoes I'd certainly want to attend her ongoing medical appointments for this condition.