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AIBU?

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Original poster

...to cut off FIL because he calls DH a "poof"

74 replies

c8h8 · 18/02/2018 13:33

FIL has always referred to DH as "gayboy", "poofter" and other words that basically mean homosexual. DH isn't gay. DH says his dad has always called him that because he wasn't good at sport and wears clothes that FIL thinks are "gay".

Now we have children and they are getting older, I am worried that they will pick up this language. DD1 has already asked what "poof" means. So we told FIL to stop doing it. He says he can say what he likes.

I can't do this any longer. I don't want him around my children.

OP posts:
TheFaerieQueene · 18/02/2018 13:35

He sounds vile. Your poor DH. I would cut fil out of your life before he starts picking on your children. He is a homophobic bully.

DeathStare · 18/02/2018 13:36

I wouldn't allow homophobic language in front of my children. Just as I wouldn't allow racist language in front of my children.

VaguelyAware · 18/02/2018 13:37

If he's always done it, he sounds like a bully. How does your DH feel about it? But YANBU, frankly I would be inclined to reduce contact - on the basis that your FIL sounds homophobic & abusive. And I'd be telling him why.

sparklyllama · 18/02/2018 13:38

Keep him well away from your children. I have had to do this with a family member (by marriage).
He talks about 'uphill gardeners'.
Envy not envy.
Yuk, that was hard for me to even type.

Sapiosexual · 18/02/2018 13:38

Wtf? He sounds like Jay's dad from inbetweeners. Go nc as soon as possible as he will probably only get worse.

Amatree · 18/02/2018 13:38

Allowing this vile man around your children would be letting them down. It's your responsibility to control as best you can the influences that they are exposed to. If one of your children uses this word at school they will be asking where they learnt it from because it isn't the poor child's fault.

Littlelambpeep · 18/02/2018 13:39

He sounds awful. Why is he saying those things and criticising his son?

I would stay away for a long time

MichaelBendfaster · 18/02/2018 13:40

Certainly don't let him see your kids. Personally I wouldn't see him myself either.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 18/02/2018 13:40

He sounds awful. What does your DH want to do? You certainly need some sort of strategy as you don't want him to start bullying your children, or for them to think homophobia is acceptable.

Original poster
c8h8 · 18/02/2018 13:40

Thank you. I think DH is desensitized to it. It has caused problems with us in the past (with me actually questioning DH's sexuality at first because I had never met anyone who used these words as an insult and thought FIL was trying to get a message to me) but DH has always said he didn't mind and everyone does it where they come from. I think he is scared of his dad. But now DH has realised that it is wrong because DD1 said it.

If FIL had held his hands up and said he'd try to stop it would be different but I couldn't believe it when he just said no.

OP posts:
RainyApril · 18/02/2018 13:43

By all means cut contact if you can't bear him, but I shouldn't worry about his negative influence on your dc because you will be countering it sensibly. I have a racist family member and he has served as an excellent teaching tool over the years. My dc are not racist, and think he's awful.

Nameme17 · 18/02/2018 13:44

I don't know the dynamics of their relationship but for a father to force his judgement onto his son in such a negative way is very sad. He's not just being negative towards his son but he's also being negative about having individuality and obviously showing he has a problem with anything he thinks in his view is 'gay'. I would be worried that the children are picking up on this. Do you only have DD? What do you think would be the reaction if he saw Dgs playing with a pram or precieved 'girls only' toys.

Original poster
c8h8 · 18/02/2018 13:44

DH was all for talking to FIL until FIL got angry. Now DH says he doesn't care if he doesn't see him again.

I just didn't know if it was a big enough thing to cut someone off for if "everyone does it" where they live. I know his brother and sister use words like that to their friends on facebook.

OP posts:
IncyWincyGrownUp · 18/02/2018 13:46

I wouldn’t have tolerated it as long as you have, but that’s me.

I would totally refuse to have contact with somebody so foul, and would make no bones about why if asked.

liquidrevolution · 18/02/2018 13:47

He sounds awful. I definitely wouldnt be letting him near my DC. Your poor DH putting up with that for so long.

I wonder if FIL is secretly attracted to men and uses this as a deflection from people questioning his own sexuality. It is often the case. Perhaps you should suggest this next time? Preferably loudly in front of his friends and family.

Original poster
c8h8 · 18/02/2018 13:50

We have 2 DDs and one (baby) DS. If he saw DS playing with a toy he thought was for a girl, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind at all that he would call him gay as well.

Thank you thank you thank you all. I think I had become desensitized to it also as I couldn't think if I was overreacting.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 18/02/2018 13:52

I would go NC.

It's just not how decent human beings act.

elisenbrunnen · 18/02/2018 13:52

'Everyone does it'? No they don't.

The whole family sound fucking awful.

And you do not need it to be 'bad enough' to go NC. If you think they/he are a bad influence on your children, go NC. Why would you allow this man (and your BIL/SIL) to be so foul in front your children - to their dad??

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 18/02/2018 13:53

I hope you dont have son's listening to that. It's bad enough that your DD heard and repeated it. I'd be inclined to question your FIL's sexuality since he goes on about it so much.

FizzyGreenWater · 18/02/2018 13:53

No, absolutely cut contact. If your DH on on board with it grab that with both hands and walk away.

Yes, he probably IS scared of his bullying, nasty, undermining dad. I doubt his self-esteem is in a state to be anything else, with a father figure like that! If he's finally had enough, if seeing the results of his horrible father's abuse coming out in his own kids is enough to tip him over the edge, GREAT.

Bye FIL - and take your nasty homophobic slurs and mean, bullying character with you - right out the door and away from our children!

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 18/02/2018 13:54

X post. Knock it on the head now, especially before your DS grows up.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 18/02/2018 13:54

It's bad enough he's said it to his son all these years, but if you think he'll say it to his grandchild too then you really have no option but to go LC/NC. He doesn't deserve a family if he can be so abusive and is point-blank refusing to change his ways.

MissionItsPossible · 18/02/2018 13:57

He sounds like a nasty piece of work. I wouldn’t blame you going NC after this. He sounds absolutely vile.

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/02/2018 13:58

He says he can say what he likes.

Well he is right, he can.

But by the same token, you can do and say what you like too and for me that would mean cutting off all contact and making it quite clear why.

If you are feeling brave you could go down the route of being fake concerned about whether he has those feelings himself and that he doesnt have to hide it these days you know "Because you seem almost obsessed wih homosexuality!" Wink as a PP suggested.

dadshere · 18/02/2018 14:02

FIL is a grown man and can say anything he wants. You are a parent and can decide who has contact with your children. I would not let anyone like that within a mile of my daughter. Your decision.

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