...to cut off FIL because he calls DH a "poof"

[c8h8]

FIL has always referred to DH as "gayboy", "poofter" and other words that basically mean homosexual. DH isn't gay. DH says his dad has always called him that because he wasn't good at sport and wears clothes that FIL thinks are "gay".

Now we have children and they are getting older, I am worried that they will pick up this language. DD1 has already asked what "poof" means. So we told FIL to stop doing it. He says he can say what he likes.

I can't do this any longer. I don't want him around my children.

Children can easily say things which can be misconstrued or misinterpreted. Unfortunately, in your case, with FIL, you don't have much of a defence if one of your children is overheard calling another 'poofter' at school.

Keep away. Exposure will do them no good.

Do you have a MIL op?
if so could/would you still maintain a relationship with them or siblings?

Excellent ideas from Liquidrevolution and PyongyangKipperbang! It makes me laugh just imagining FIL's reaction. It could become one of those very satisfying memories of fighting back that you (and possibly DC, if they are given the full picture at some point) can carry for life! But I would make sure DC are not around if you say something along those lines, as you never know what the brute will throw back at you - and have a scape route!

Sorry, for a moment there I thought someone suggested this was 'banter'.......must have misread

abigailsnan MIL is no help. She will just do what FIL says. She has never said anything homophobic in my hearing but in the past she made (what I thought were) racist comments in that she'll talk about "it nextdoor" meaning the Muslim woman, but DH said she refers to any one she doesn't like as "it" or "thing". She has never done this in front of the children though.

'.....everyone does it where they live.....'

Do you mind me asking where that is ?
It seems an extraordinary thing to do.

eloisesparkle Don't want to say name of town because it's unfair to normal people who live there! But it is a depressed area in the North. I have been there once. Where the ILs live is a big drug area with very high unemployment and alcoholism rates.

Is it Royston Vasey?

It is unbelievable that people still think it acceptable to use homophobic language such as this. Sadly there may be nothing you can do about your FIL (how old is he - is this a generational thing?), but you do need to be very careful about exposing your children to this as if they were to start to copy this abuse in the wider community they could find themselves reported for hate crimes. As many other people have said cut down on contact with your FIL and use his behaviour as a learning tool as a way not to behave. Your MIL doesn't exactly grace herself with any favour either. This link is interesting:www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/hate-crime/sexual-orientation-and-transgender-identity-hate-crime/

FIL is in his 60s

I wonder if FIL is secretly attracted to men and uses this as a deflection from people questioning his own sexuality.

I thought that. As in “methinks he doth protest too much”.

How about you just tell him to shut the fuck up? That might sort it. Going NC should be a last resort.

AtomHeart I wouldn't dare. They have family members who have been in prison for violence. I think DH is scared of his dad also.

Oh crikey. Perhaps just limit the time you see him and always leave ASAP after any horrible comments. Also, tell your children that his comments are wrong.

So what does your relationship with your FIL bring to your lives? It must be something pretty amazing for you to carry on seeing someone so loathsome.

to some extent I think parents have to help their children to be resilient and learn to deal with people when they say such hateful and loathsome things as this. Sadly this wont be the only people that they meet who make disgusting comments and showing them by example how to do that I think personally is really important. So, you have to think of answers for your children. we told ours that it was ignorance and that they ought to feel really sorry for the people saying these things because they were clearly uneducated and had little or no experience of the world. I have also made sure that any comment like this is immediately responded to and its worth getting a few stock responses as others have suggested.

However from your posts it looks like this is just one of a pile of issues that you have with your PIL and therefore your only option at the end of the day might be to go NC. Even if you do, I still think you have to answer your children when they ask what the p word and the n word and all the other disgusting terms mean and why normal people find them unacceptable.

Cut this idiot right out of your family's life!
You won't miss him and it's his loss!

It sounds to me as though your FIL is massively insecure. Could he be secretly homosexual?

He doesn't bring anything to my life except embarrassment and upset. I put up with him because he is DH's father.

what does your dh think? does he want to keep a relationship going with his parents or is it a case of feeling like its his duty.

you have to have a united front on this - if one of you goes NC then the children will still see their grandparents but without you on hand to step in and correct what is being said.

I don't want my children to see them/FIL without me because behaviour won't get checked. SIL lets FIL take her children in the car without car seats etc. DH won't "get" all of it. He knows his family are "rough" (his words) but doesn't recognise a lot of the off behavior. He didn't understand about the homophobic remarks until DD1 said it.

DH says not to speak to them but I don't know whether he'll change his mind when he cools down.

Sounds tough. Another vote for steering clear as much as possible tbh.

The older I get the more I am in favour of avoiding situations and people rather than trying to change them. It saves time and angst. Just avoid the stupid idiot, never see them.

Timefortea I agree. You can't change people. The best course is to avoid and cut down contact.