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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to cut off FIL because he calls DH a "poof"

74 replies

c8h8 · 18/02/2018 13:33

FIL has always referred to DH as "gayboy", "poofter" and other words that basically mean homosexual. DH isn't gay. DH says his dad has always called him that because he wasn't good at sport and wears clothes that FIL thinks are "gay".

Now we have children and they are getting older, I am worried that they will pick up this language. DD1 has already asked what "poof" means. So we told FIL to stop doing it. He says he can say what he likes.

I can't do this any longer. I don't want him around my children.

OP posts:
Nameme17 · 18/02/2018 14:03

Yes it's easy to accept certain behavior just to keep the peace or just because you know deep down its so entrenched that you'd be wasting time and energy even trying to change their outlook. If its possible limit contact. Its so tricky. I agree with pp to use him as an example of not what to do BUT I had a situation where my children witnessed their cousins beating the crap out of each, was awful (all around the same age range 3-5) parents just stood there saying boys will be boys...there was blood! I was gob smacked and cut contact immediately but damage was done as my eldest started hitting children in nursery and I spent a few months working with the school to get my gentle boy back!...i know it's an extreme example but I've learnt that kids are impressionable and they pick up on everything good or bad.

diddl · 18/02/2018 14:09

" He says he can say what he likes. "

Decent people don't treat their kids like that though, do they?

If your husband means that he doesn't care if he doesn't see his dad again I'd grab that chance tbh.

If he changes his mind in future, I'd still keep the kids away & stay away myself.

Sweetpea55 · 18/02/2018 14:12

Protect your precious children from this bombastic tosser.
Yes he can say what he likes but he can say it on his fluffing own. What a horrible man.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/02/2018 14:13

DH was all for talking to FIL until FIL got angry. Now DH says he doesn't care if he doesn't see him again

There you go.

Why are you worried about whether it’s ‘enough’ or not? Your FIL doesn’t care how you feel, why do you care how he feels?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/02/2018 14:16

What a horrible man he sounds! Bad enough to use those words as pejoratives all the time, but to refuse to stop - ugh!

Yes, keep your children well away from that level of shit. I'm not overly surprised that DH's siblings use the same language though, it's learnt behaviour. Probably the only reason your DH doesn't is because he was the butt of the "joke" the whole time.

PieAndPumpkins · 18/02/2018 14:22

That's a shocking way to speak to your own son, particularly in front of children with no remorse. It would be NC all the way for me, without question.

5plusMeAndHim · 18/02/2018 14:29

Isn't it just banter?

MilesHuntsWig · 18/02/2018 14:32

“Banter” is an overused excuse for bullying IME. It certainly isn’t if his son doesn’t join in and doesn’t like it.

Cracker09jacker · 18/02/2018 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

drspouse · 18/02/2018 14:34

"Banter" is saying someone is greedy or soap-shy because they had an extra roastie or skipped their shower. If they are sensitive about it it's not banter.
Banter is never racist, sexist or homophobic.

chickenlegscarla · 18/02/2018 14:37

Where does everyone say that? Not around here.... Shock

He can say whatever he likes and you can choose whether you want to tolerate it or never see him again. I couldn't be doing with it myself.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 18/02/2018 14:37

Banter familiar and based on existing in-joke,not unkind.meant to amuse not humiliate
Offensive purposefully choosing unkind,mean,bullying words,phrases to deman
Hope that clears up difference between being a cunt and banter

rothbury · 18/02/2018 14:40

yanbu - I would cut all contact.

I wouldn't want anyone homophobic around my DC (or around me)

He sounds absolutely awful Flowers

Kikashi · 18/02/2018 14:40

How degrading for your DH. Cut the vile man off or if your DH is still in the FOG (living with, fear, obligation,guilt) then tell FIL to cut it out or else and follow through.

Pearlsaringer · 18/02/2018 14:43

I would cut contact, and I would tell his DB and DS why. If they are using this sort of language on social media they are no better.

Personally I wouldn’t cut off a family member for being racist, homophobic or whatever. People like that exist in the world and it’s important for children to see that, and to know that these views are wrong. I’d challenge them at every given opportunity though.

The difference here is that it is being used as a way of undermining and ridiculing your DH, and that I would not stand for.

Babyroobs · 18/02/2018 14:44

He sounds childish, cut him out of your life. He needs to learn that his comments are unacceptable to the vast majority of reasonable people and your kids need to be protected from him. Tell him he needs to stop or you will go no contact.

HildaZelda · 18/02/2018 14:51

He sounds like an absolutely horrible man OP and a nasty bully too. If it was me I'd wouldn't be letting him anywhere near kids.

SimonBridges · 18/02/2018 14:59

‘Banter’ is a term used by arseholes to say things they actually mean but they know are rude and upsetting.

Say ‘it’s only banter’ doesn’t make it ok.

Original poster
c8h8 · 18/02/2018 15:03

The "banter" comment is why I posted here. That is what FIL would say, that it's just joking. I was brought up in a different way to DH's family. No one I knew before DH would ever use those words. DH moved away (uni and work) so got a different perspective I suppose. The rest of his family have stayed put in this place where apparently "everyone" talks like that.

When DH explained that most people did use those words where he grew up, I was willing to let it go and give FIL a chance. But FIL won't stop.

OP posts:
Foslady · 18/02/2018 15:06

Yes he’s free to say what he wants......he also has to realise that that freedom comes with consequences. If his freedom of speech means more to him than his ds and family then so be it, I’d go nc

Original poster
c8h8 · 18/02/2018 15:07

And just for the record, DH is the gentlest, most honest, person you could ever meet. He doesn't even swear, ever! He is the total opposite of the rest of his family.

OP posts:
Inertia · 18/02/2018 15:07

I wouldn’t have tolerated it this long to be honest.

He can say what he likes, but you are not obliged to subject yourself or the children to it.

MrsMuddlePluck · 18/02/2018 15:10

SimonBridges: what you said.

Billben · 18/02/2018 15:13

You’ve tolerated the fool a lot longer than I would have had. And as for ‘I can say what I like’, well, not around me you can’t. If I ask somebody to quit doing something that I find offensive then they either respect my wishes and quit, or we are finished. It is degrading to your poor DH whether he has grown up with it or not. I would also not let your FIL be around my child either. Your child will come across plenty of kind people in her life to learn from. She won’t be missing anything not being around this vile man.

abigailsnan · 18/02/2018 15:18

Do you have a MIL c8h8 ? who would put this vile man in his place,if my hubby so much uttered anything like this to my DS in front of his DCs said hubby would be out of the door,this man is a bully well worth never bothering with again imo.

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