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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp waking me up every weekend day

93 replies

taekwondo · 18/02/2018 06:00

We've just had a really big row at 5:30 on a Sunday!

Yesterday morning Dp woke me up by endlessly pestering for sex. This was about 5am!

He was supposed to work this morning so would be getting up at 5am. He woke at 5:30 and saw to ds (6) who is unwell, bearing in mind id already got up to see to him and gave him a drink about an hour earlier.

When dp came back to bed he put the laptop on and was watching a video. I said "what time is it" was ignored, checked the time, "it's 5:30, can you not turn that off?"

He wouldn't. I was getting more and more fed up and it's turned into an argument. Where he slammed the laptop closed, got up and turned on the light and started to work on his computer.

The argument went with him calling me nuts because I get up all week at 4:30 and wake him up as I leave the room. Bearing in mind he wakes at 5 to get up. And because I wake him at 4:30 all week it's perfectly acceptable that he's up at 5:30 on a fucking Sunday playing videos on and turning the light on!!!

I'm lazy for wanting to sleep for a little bit longer and lazy because he saw to ds who apparently I left in pain but he wasn't showing signs of discomfort when I saw to him.

Dp threw things at me, told me I'm a nuts and got so angry about me calling him selfish for his behaviour.

Aibu. It's 5:30 on a SUNDAY!! Every day of the weekend he wakes me up. I'm usually quiet about it, but he's so god dam selfish! But makes out it's ok because I'm up early all week. To me that's a reason to want to sleep in on at least one of the days!!

OP posts:
BakedBeeeen · 18/02/2018 07:31

He threw a bottle at your head? Please believe that this is not a normal relationship with mutual respect.

Sunnyjac · 18/02/2018 07:31

No need for me to add to what’s been said. You’ve received sound advice here, follow it. You know what you need to do and you know you can do it Flowers

Fishface77 · 18/02/2018 07:33

Get out op. He’s a piece of shit and this will escalate.

NancyJoan · 18/02/2018 07:36

When your brother arrives, can you just go out with him instead?

Sunnyjac · 18/02/2018 07:37

Could your brother help today? Tell your partner to leave? Or look after your son while you lay it out for your partner and pack his stuff? Or just be there as support while you tell partner it’s over

Troels · 18/02/2018 07:40

I wouldn't bother cleaning for you brother coming. Instead, pac some bags, make sure you have all important papers and get your Brother to help you and Ds to move out to your family.

JaneEyre70 · 18/02/2018 07:49

I agree with other PPs. Waking a partner is horribly abusive, let alone throwing things at you. It's so normal for you that you're not seeing how awful it really is. I'd stuff cleaning, I'd wait for your brother and tell him you need help getting out the house away from this monster.

OhFucko · 18/02/2018 07:49

I wouldn't bother cleaning for you brother coming. Instead, pac some bags, make sure you have all important papers and get your Brother to help you and Ds to move out to your family

This!

MrTrebus · 18/02/2018 07:50

He's 15 years older than you but you've been with him 7 years which is all of your adult life? So you were 18 and he was 33? He definitely sounds like he's just thought he'll go for a younger woman who he can rule. He is terribly abusive, pick up your son and move to near family,spend today and tomorrow getting your ducks in a row then do it on Tuesday. What are you waiting for? To be honest you're at huge risk, think about the threatening text he sent you before,what if he acts on that? He's clearly capable. Do the right thing,get out now.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/02/2018 07:52

Crikey I missed that he’s 15 years older than you and lied about his age. This in itself is a massive red flag.

Original poster
taekwondo · 18/02/2018 07:54

@MrTrebus almost bang on, I was 19. I'm worried about what he will do... my dbro is 8 years younger than me so I'm not really sure he'll be that much support and I don't want to have to put that pressure on him, he's a gentle soul.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 18/02/2018 07:57

Oh taekwondo this is not love. You just like the 'security', and fear the unknown future by yourself as you have never been alone as an adult.
You said you'd be pleased if he went. THIS IS NOT LOVE, you are a prisoner.
I agree with other PPs - can you leave with your brother today?
Either way, be strong, and start digging your escape tunnel.

MsWanaBanana · 18/02/2018 08:08

I don’t have much to add, just that I agree with many pp that this is abusive behaviour and that you should leave now while you can. Contact woman’s aid, do the freedom programme. If you don’t feel you can ask your db for help and leave today, start putting things in place and leave as soon as you can. Go to your family. NovemberWitch has given you some great advice. Please listen. Throwing things is just the start. I can guarantee it will get worse and worse. As mentioned by pp, read the thread the other lady started about her son hitting her like her exh used to. Don’t let that be your son. Get out while he is still young Flowers

Lovelylovelyladies · 18/02/2018 08:17

Hi T,

Do you have a mum or dad that you can talk to? You say your brother is a sensitive soul, I understand he is young and you don't want to hurt him with all this but is there any chance you could leave with him today and stay at his house over night and move onto your sisters tomorrow? Or mum and dad's?
Family is complicated so I understand if it's not as simple as all that.
But you do need to leave.
Please.
Can you get in touch with a women's refuge? It feels like a strange thing to do and a may feel like an unstable start to life on your own but it's away from your partner and it will keep you safe.

ChasedByBees · 18/02/2018 08:21

When we first got together he was abusive, but won't admit to it as there are no lasting marks so "I never actually hurt you"

Many of the behaviours you’ve described even just here are abusive. I think you could be so much happier. Could you contact womens aid?

Sarahjconnor · 18/02/2018 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

strawberrisc · 18/02/2018 08:25

Your brother might be a gentle soul but he's still your brother. Confide in him. That's what families are for.

givemesteel · 18/02/2018 08:27

I'm sorry to be blunt but this man doesn't give a shit about you.

He doesn't care if you're tired and need more sleep. He's attacked you (by throwing things at you). And he's called you names.

It sounds like this is pretty standard behaviour from him.

Leave leave leave. Move close to your family. Talk to your brother about it today if you can xx

lottiegarbanzo · 18/02/2018 08:31

Doesn't sound like he loves you much.

Rosiie · 18/02/2018 08:33

Could he not have gone into a different room and put headphones on? If he was in the same bedroom as you with the laptop then YANBU

Rosiie · 18/02/2018 08:36

Cant believe he threw things at you Shock.

Stormwhale · 18/02/2018 08:44

Hi op. I think you should speak with women's aid. I think they would be the best people to support you with the next steps. It sounds like his behaviour is escalating again, and I would be concerned that it will further escalate if you make moves to leave. If I were you, I would start making arrangements to move back to where your family live, without telling him. I wouldn't tell him anything and just move.

I would also keep a log of his abusive behaviour incase it is needed in a custody battle. I fully expect him to tell you and everyone else that you are an unfit mother, so expect that to come.

Allergictoironing · 18/02/2018 08:48

Abuse isn't just leaving permanent marks. I just pulled this definition off the .gov.UK website:

^any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are, or have been, intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. The abuse can encompass, but is not limited to:

psychological
physical
sexual
financial
emotional
Controlling behaviour
Controlling behaviour is a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour.

Coercive behaviour
Coercive behaviour is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.^

I think he ticks just about every one of those boxes!

MissDuke · 18/02/2018 08:54

OP this is awful Sad I am sorry you are stuck in this. I also recall previous posts. I know i is incredibly hard but you absolutely need out. You only get one chance at life and you deserve to be happy. You will be so much happier without him.

SunnyBaloo · 18/02/2018 08:55

Hiya, just after a bit of a reality check really. Thanks for reading and hope you can help! I can’t quite decide what to do about something, or I guess how to feel about something. It’s about something quite small really! But it’s made me feel funny. I live with my 2 children, my partner and his two children. We each have the kids half of the time which mainly align. We have a good life but are trying to cut costs at the moment as we are still overdrawn after xmas and there is some debt we want to get rid of.

My partner’s daughter came down the other day with a new jumper on. She said she had a new jumper, and I said oh I thought we were saving money, and my partner said it was a hand me down, which I was a bit dubious about, and questioned it further but he was adamant that he hadn’t bought it, but I’ve just found the receipt! He definitely bought it and would have had to have cut the tags of it to put it away so I’m sure must have been fully aware of having bought it!

I think he didn’t want me to tell him off cause it was quite expensive, he’s anything for an easy life, but I’m more bothered about the lie than the jumper.

I haven’t told him that I’ve found the receipt, it’s only a jumper and I’m worried that I come across as critical - hence why he didn’t tell me in the first place about it.

Aibu to be upset about this? It’s only a jumper but it feels like more? Should I just leave it now?

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