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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp waking me up every weekend day

93 replies

taekwondo · 18/02/2018 06:00

We've just had a really big row at 5:30 on a Sunday!

Yesterday morning Dp woke me up by endlessly pestering for sex. This was about 5am!

He was supposed to work this morning so would be getting up at 5am. He woke at 5:30 and saw to ds (6) who is unwell, bearing in mind id already got up to see to him and gave him a drink about an hour earlier.

When dp came back to bed he put the laptop on and was watching a video. I said "what time is it" was ignored, checked the time, "it's 5:30, can you not turn that off?"

He wouldn't. I was getting more and more fed up and it's turned into an argument. Where he slammed the laptop closed, got up and turned on the light and started to work on his computer.

The argument went with him calling me nuts because I get up all week at 4:30 and wake him up as I leave the room. Bearing in mind he wakes at 5 to get up. And because I wake him at 4:30 all week it's perfectly acceptable that he's up at 5:30 on a fucking Sunday playing videos on and turning the light on!!!

I'm lazy for wanting to sleep for a little bit longer and lazy because he saw to ds who apparently I left in pain but he wasn't showing signs of discomfort when I saw to him.

Dp threw things at me, told me I'm a nuts and got so angry about me calling him selfish for his behaviour.

Aibu. It's 5:30 on a SUNDAY!! Every day of the weekend he wakes me up. I'm usually quiet about it, but he's so god dam selfish! But makes out it's ok because I'm up early all week. To me that's a reason to want to sleep in on at least one of the days!!

OP posts:
NovemberWitch · 18/02/2018 06:58

I’ve read some of your posts on other threads. You are in a complicated situation and seem isolated, do you have friends you can talk to, to help you realise that this isn’t how normal, healthy relationships function? And that your DS is getting a warped view of how families operate?

NovemberWitch · 18/02/2018 07:01

I’m more worried because you’ve been with him all your adult life, so he is setting the parameters for what is normal for you, and you have little to compare it with. Have you talked about things on the relationships board? There are a lot of wise, supportive women over there.

Original poster
taekwondo · 18/02/2018 07:01

@NovemberWitch I have one... we've had many conversations, it's the leaving that's hard...

I took ds away one night because of things at home and was sent quite a threatening text message... I don't know what to do.

It's stupid really, a lot of the things a woman wants is to hold her family together, and to work for it, but I don't think I should lose any respect in the process.

I've had two relationships in my life. My first boyfriend cheated on me, and gave me a black eye. I left. Now this one. Not very positive experiences :/

OP posts:
Original poster
taekwondo · 18/02/2018 07:02

@NovemberWitch

Firstly thank you for your continued support, I haven't been onto that board but may have to try, I have been with him all of my adult life.

So much so that any success I have he says is because of him :/

OP posts:
NovemberWitch · 18/02/2018 07:03

It’s coming together into an unhealthy picture for you, where leaving looks like the best option. Does he own the house? Are you on the deeds?

Original poster
taekwondo · 18/02/2018 07:06

It's rented, to be honest if I'm to leave I'll be the one going, the only thing that holds me here is him, I'm 3 hours away from my family. Maybe that's part of the problem, I've had to rely on him for emotional support more than I'd like

OP posts:
NovemberWitch · 18/02/2018 07:06

No, as a parent of children around your age, he may have supported you in some ways, but your successes are your own. He is controlling and gaslighting you, and you are worth so much more than that.

NovemberWitch · 18/02/2018 07:08

Do you have a good relationship with your family? Will they support your decision, or add to the problem?

blackchina · 18/02/2018 07:08

The time for you sleeping together has passed.

Separate rooms. It's the only way. The happiest marriages have them............

Sleeping together in the same bed is an arse of as idea. Whoever thought of it is a muppet. Must hark back to the days when people huddled together for warmth.

If there is no spare room, create a makeshift one in the lounge.

All that said, your DH sounds like an utter twat.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 18/02/2018 07:09

There was an awful thread on here a couple of months ago that was started by a poor MNetter who was being hit and threatened by her 16-year-old son - and he was aping the behaviour of his dad, who he'd grown up watching abusing her. The boy was taking up where his dad had left off. Don't let this be your son in a decade's time. Your DP already has a history of abusing you - throwing things could be the start of it happening again. For your little boy's sake, please don't hang around to see if it does.

Original poster
taekwondo · 18/02/2018 07:09

@NovemberWitch Thank you, I see my successes as my own, him supporting me is bull. Though he likes to think he did. According to him I only finished my degree because he helped me - in truth I cared for ds, he wouldn't ever take him so I could work, then I failed my dissertation so had to resit all while working 24hours a day (summer time nanny) and having ds in toe. When he says it's because of him it makes my blood boil

OP posts:
NovemberWitch · 18/02/2018 07:12

He sounds like an older man who is shaping his younger partner into exactly the format he requires with no thought for her comfort, happiness or self-worth. You are a long way from family and are isolated from other adults, so he is your reality. And your son’s.

Original poster
taekwondo · 18/02/2018 07:12

@NovemberWitch I do with my sister,

@WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo I hear you, I already see some resemblance :(

Think it's time I sorted this

OP posts:
Original poster
taekwondo · 18/02/2018 07:13

@NovemberWitch it's scary how accurate you've just been. He's 15 years my senior, he looks young and lied to me about his age for the first 3 years, of which I only found out because I accidentally found his drivers license that he's hidden

OP posts:
WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 18/02/2018 07:14

I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be to walk away from a situation like this OP and you need to find support in RL if you can. Good luck. Flowers

NovemberWitch · 18/02/2018 07:15

Good luck, but the next decisions have to be yours. If you did a degree whilst working, caring for a child and with an unsupportive partner, you have abilities and strengths he has no idea of. Use them.

Original poster
taekwondo · 18/02/2018 07:17

@NovemberWitch @WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo Thank you to you both, you've given me clarity

OP posts:
WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 18/02/2018 07:18

Second what November says - you sound strong, so be strong. Be the wonder woman your son needs you to be.

Almostthere15 · 18/02/2018 07:20

I think you would really benefit from contacting women's aid for some advice and support. He sounds hugely abusive and this will only escalate.

You clearly have enormous strength, and he doesn't like that. That's why he puts you down and wouldn't help with your degree. You'll uncover that strength again.

Original poster
taekwondo · 18/02/2018 07:22

@Almostthere15 You're right I think, and I think that's what our problems stem from, because I don't just do as I'm told

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 18/02/2018 07:23

Oh my. Yes, it is time this is sorted. Your ds is 6. He has taken a lot of your abusive partners behaviour on board. You are going to have to deprogram him unfortunately. Please get out as fast as you can. Each time this vile man tells you that your success is due to him or you couldn’t live without him, what he is actually saying is that his success is due to you and he actually couldn’t live without you. He is incapable of sustaining a normal, adult relationships and therefore has turned to coercion and abuse.

TheDowagerCuntess · 18/02/2018 07:25

I'm kind of sick of his behaviours at the moment, any argument we have I'm called "idiot, moron, psycho" before he finally gets to "this is why we can't be together because you disagree with x y z"

Do you maybe need to ask yourself why you stay with someone who so clearly doesn't like you?

It's not normal to talk to the person you supposedly love, like that. That's how you talk to someone you loathe. Would you talk to him like that?

So why do you stay and put up with it?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/02/2018 07:27

You’ve given about 5 reasons to leave and none to stay.

GeekyWombat · 18/02/2018 07:29

The next time he tells him he's leaving just say 'ok' and let him go. He'll probably end up freaking out and backtracking but either way it puts the power back to you rather than leaving him in control. You deserve better than this Flowers

Would you be able to move back closer to your family? Would you want to?

I know with a sickly DC, having had no sleep and with visitors arriving today you've probably not got the headspace to do much about this yet, but it's definitely time for you to decide whether this is what you want long term.

Original poster
taekwondo · 18/02/2018 07:31

@GeekyWombat I have started doing this, I've even offered to pack his bags for him to speed the process up, and to be honest if he left, I don't think I'd care.

I have lots of cleaning to do before dbro arrives but I can't even be bothered with that now, I have a headache and just feel tired :/

OP posts:
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