Blatant bragging

[BecauseIsaidso321]

My parents brag about their lives to me constantly and I don’t know why. They’re both retired and relatively well off, and spend a lot of their money on holidays and cars. They recently finished paying their (substantial) mortgage and have told me about it over and over again, almost as if they are trying to make me jealous as myself and DP have only (in our early 30’s) just been approved for a mortgage so still have 25 years worth of payments to make. It’s really irritating, as I don’t know how to respond to this blatant gloating. It’s not really behaviour you would expect from your parents.

What I can’t understand is why they would want to show off about their wealth to their only daughter. Things are tight for me and DP financially now so we have to go without a lot of luxuries, so why would my parents want to make me feel bad about what they can afford and I can’t? I have a DS and I can’t imagine showing off about my life to him when he’s just started his own mortgage. To me that just seems cruel and unnecessary.

I know I’m not being paranoid or overly sensitive as DP has commented on it too, and he is generally quite unobservant about these things. It’s getting to the point where they are unbearable to be around. WIBU to reduce contact with them for this reason? I have tried having a word with my mum but she told me I was being “too sensitive”.

I could have written your post OP!

Also, my parents are currently trying to convince me and DH to buy a house they inherited which I've recently decided I don't want because it's 3 hours away from where we are and we have a new baby.

Her answer was "you need to be more independent and stop relying on us- being far away will help with that."

We have just got back from emptying the house out for which I had to leave my 5 month old baby behind for 2 nights ☹ I missed her SO much and only did it to help DM sort the damn house out 😠 who needs to be more independent!?

Sorry for the rant I just feel your pain

My in laws do this as well. We get by albeit by budgeting and being frugal. Yet they insist on telling us in great detail how much things cost and how they are going on yet another amazing holiday, renovating or upgrading cars.

When I started pt work I was told I was selfish as children need their mummy at home, I had to explain that they needed a roof to live under and that required paying the mortgage. My dc were all nearly school age at that point.

I find it very hard as they often tell me and everyone else how they have more money than they can spend. They think we will be like them when we retire (we wont) but they dud struggle a lot financially when they were younger so they have gone a bit mad.

Op you have my sympathies, I am happy in laws are having such an amazing life but please stop bragging, as that's what it is. However they have ill health on the doorstep mil suffers with her health and is likely to be very ill at some point.

My in-laws used to do this - on and on about holidays and the money they had spent. Mercifully they decided to go nc with us.
My stepmother does it too, "Oh we have a lovely life!" she cries before she unleashes the next volley of things they have spent their money on. The more downtrodden and exhausted I am, the more she does it.

I don't think you can have a very good relationship with your parents. I just see this as them sharing their lives with you. When you like or love people, you can only be pleased by their good fortune. It seems strange to be jealous of your parents.

Have they made you feel that you are not working hard enough? That that's why you don't have what they do? Have they really? Or is it what I sometimes read on here. People feel their parents' generation had it easier with jobs, pensions, the housing market. I don't know, but this jealousy seems unhealthy.

It has nothing at all to do with jealousy.

In my case its not jealously, I am really happy for them. They had a hard life, they are only in this position due to deaths and insurance payouts and now retirement. Mil has serious heart problems and is a testament to the skill of the nhs ( not that she will help herself). They do it to everyone, constantly bragging at the cost of their massive and unnecessary extension or yet another stunning cruise. They do it her brother who is retired and struggling massively on a tiny pension that barely covers anything. I have seen their friends distance themselves and relatives roll their eyes when they start banging on.

We are very supportive and pleased for them, we look at photos, discuss their plans, look after their house whilst they are away etc.

My parents are well off and always have been, they take nice holidays and upgrade cars etc but they dont bang on about how much they have spent esp to people who are actually struggling financially.

A little tact on my in laws part would go a long way, they don't see it and wonder why no one visits.

Just keep asking how their health is........then say things like ‘Ooohh, my sofa will look lovely in that room.......when the time comes of course.....’.

@hollowtree

We have just got back from emptying the house out for which I had to leave my 5 month old baby behind for 2 nights ☹ I missed her SO much and only did it to help DM sort the damn house out 😠 who needs to be more independent!?

Being independent works both ways. They can't expect you to be at their beck and call. Are they supportive? If not, you need to start saying no, use baby as a reason!

Charlestonchaplin - it has nothing to do with jealousy. I am happy if they are happy, but I don’t understand if they know things are hard for us financially (we don’t have exotic holidays or expensive cars) why they would feel the need to constantly show off? We’re not talking a few comments here and there, it’s constant and most conversations centre around how much surplus money they have.

For example, when DP and I were applying for our mortgage, we had to scrape together every single penny we had for the deposit and it was hard. After mentioning this in conversation to DM, she instantly responded by telling me how much hers and DFs pensions pay them each month and how they’ve got more money than they know what to do with. I’m not jealous, far from it, but just felt a bit that she would brag about that to her own daughter.

Maybe they don’t see it as bragging. Maybe they see it as joy at having worked hard all their lives they can now reap the benefits. Maybe the want you to see that in the end it’s worth the financial struggles.
I think you’re being a bit mean and disingenuous about jealousy. Why on earth shouldn’t they enjoy their lives now? Do you think the money should be spent on you?

My dm compared her diamond engagement ring to mine and was satisfied to discover her rock was bigger. ????

I've learned to disengage from her bizarre behaviour.

I have been NC with mine for years. This sort of behaviour was part of the problem. My DB is still in contact. He struggles financially. Its just him and his DD and he has 2 jobs. So. Imagine his surprise when my parents rang him up and told him they had a surprise for him and would be bringing it over at the weekend? Rang him every day that week going on about it making him more and more excited.

So Friday comes and they ring when they are on their way and tell him to wait outside. He does. They turn up in a brand new Audi R8, his dream car. Yeah. His 'surprise' is that they bought his dream car. For themselves.

Mincemeattart - Not once did I imply that the money should be spent on me. I also work hard for what I have, but I don’t boast to others about my possessions or how much they cost me, or how healthy my bank balance is. Its especially strange behaviour to talk about this to someone you know is struggling financially, and also when that person is your daughter.

To reiterate, there is no jealousy here whatsoever. I had a good upbringing with everything I could ever want. It would be strange to now be jealous of my parents when they have provided for me throughout my childhood. I just wish they wouldn’t tell me quite so often how well off they are. It’s unnecessary and draining.

Avocado - that’s terrible! Is your DB still in contact after that???

OP, they sound awful and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Have you actually asked them why they feel the need to do this? Just one simple, open question and then let them speak. If they accuse you of being sensitive again, I would consider going LC; if it's stressing you out, see less of them if possible.

Why would you feel bad because they can afford things? That's a bit selfish

I agree with tart
I imagine they are so pleased with themselves to have been able to buy their house - they can't stop going on about it, they would have gone through worries over negative equity, and unemployment for this goal.

What other news can they share with you? Their career goals? Their kids activities? Oh wait no, there've grown up. Shopping holidays and activities. That's all there is left!

My parents are weird and socially inept on occasions too. People aren't perfect we just have to take the rough with the smooth, and accept what we can't change, change what we can't accept etc. nowt so strange as folk!! 😨

Yes OP he is. Its not easy to break ties when youve been subject to years of that sort of behaviour. It kind of normalises it. I struggled initially myself but in the long run it was the right decision.

I agree with kissbeforelippy. Be direct. Say, 'Why do you always discuss your purchases and spending at such length? I'm obviously pleased for you that you have a good life now, but your talking about these things is excessive, it comes across as bragging.' Keep yourself and your financial situation out of it; otherwise they'll have no problem whatsoever turning it round as you being jealous. Just expose their behaviour in simple words.

My older sister and her husband are like this but in reality they’re no better of then myself and DH or my younger sis who’s single.
Older sis is massively insecure and her DH controlling sometimes people brag to convince themselves that they’re happy.

My parents do this to me too, and I hate it.

They paid their mortgage off years ago, and brag about that, but then tell everyone with immense glee, how ridiculously cheap their house cost.

They don’t tend to go on holidays, but they fritter their money away on a complete load of shite, which to me is a disgraceful waste of money.

I know for a fact that they spend the following:

Around £130 per month on lottery tickets.

Around £500 per month on alcohol.

Around £160 per month in the £1 shop (mainly on little toys for my DD that break very quickly and get thrown away, and copious amounts of sweets, crisps and biscuits).

Around £100 per month on ‘ad hoc’ food shopping, and food impulse buys - most of which go to waste.

Around £300 per month on EBay, QVC, catalogues and high street clothes shops.

Around £100 on giving to charities.

So, around £1,290 spent per month - mainly on unnecessary things. I appreciate that it’s their money, but I can’t believe how careless and carefree they are with it. They’ve never saved for anything, and have no savings whatsoever.

I’m an only child, and was always bought obscene amounts of presents, and still am. The house was just always full of ‘stuff,’ and still is. We always went on lovely holidays, and I never went without anything, but they’ve never helped me with money, or to buy anything that’s actually useful.

I’ve not had any financial help whatsoever from them, even when I’ve pretty much begged them - and for a loan, not to be given the money. We very nearly lost out on getting our mortgage, as we needed £2,000 more for some additional costs, and they told me that they don’t have any money to give me, not even as a loan.

They didn’t contribute 1p towards my Degree or Postgraduate studies, yet parade around telling everyone what qualifications I have and how proud they are. I even paid for the whole of my wedding myself (with the exception of about a reluctant £500 from them), despite having only worked full time for 1 month before my wedding day, as I’d saved as much of my student loan and part time income as I could. I just knew that they wouldn’t offer.

We get on very well aside from financial matters, but the lack of assistance and constant bragging has sullied the relationship slightly over the years. My DH’s family are completely different and always help each other with money.

They are being insensitive, but you do sound a bit jealous. You accept that you had a good and plentiful upbringing but you seem to resent their lifestyle. Presumably, in the ordinary course of events, you will inherit at some stage, but you are having to work hard now just as they did when they were at your stage in life.

If they genuinely have more money than they know how to spend and you are struggling, why don't you just ask them outright if they can help you. If you haven't said anything they may not realise.

Look on the bright side- it will be your inheritance one day.