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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Blatant bragging

75 replies

BecauseIsaidso321 · 17/02/2018 05:42

My parents brag about their lives to me constantly and I don’t know why. They’re both retired and relatively well off, and spend a lot of their money on holidays and cars. They recently finished paying their (substantial) mortgage and have told me about it over and over again, almost as if they are trying to make me jealous as myself and DP have only (in our early 30’s) just been approved for a mortgage so still have 25 years worth of payments to make. It’s really irritating, as I don’t know how to respond to this blatant gloating. It’s not really behaviour you would expect from your parents.

What I can’t understand is why they would want to show off about their wealth to their only daughter. Things are tight for me and DP financially now so we have to go without a lot of luxuries, so why would my parents want to make me feel bad about what they can afford and I can’t? I have a DS and I can’t imagine showing off about my life to him when he’s just started his own mortgage. To me that just seems cruel and unnecessary.

I know I’m not being paranoid or overly sensitive as DP has commented on it too, and he is generally quite unobservant about these things. It’s getting to the point where they are unbearable to be around. WIBU to reduce contact with them for this reason? I have tried having a word with my mum but she told me I was being “too sensitive”.

OP posts:

80sMum · 17/02/2018 10:16

My parents used to be a bit like this. My dad used to take great delight in telling me that he and mum were going "SKI-ing" again (SKI = Spending the Kids' Inheritance) and having yet another holiday. This was when I was in my late 20s/early 30s and we were struggling with mortgage payments and 16% interest. Mum used to like showing me things she had bought - new clothes or things for the home.

However, I didn't begrudge my parents any of their own money and in fact I actively encouraged them to SKI. They had scrimped and scraped their whole lives and once retired they deserved to have some fun and enjoy themselves.

My dad was struck down with terminal cancer at 68. I'm glad that he managed to have a few years of relaxation and a bit of self indulgence before he died.

UnmitigatedBollocks · 17/02/2018 10:19

Do they have many friends?

I’d say something like “Mum do you talk like this to your friends? I’m worried they’ll think you’re bragging”.

Original poster

BecauseIsaidso321 · 17/02/2018 10:22

Again, I don’t begrudge them the money (I acknowledge they’ve worked hard for it, of course) and I’m happy for them to spend it as they see fit. Also it’s really none of my business. Perhaps bragging isn’t the correct word. Gloating would be more accurate. They both, but especially DM, take great pleasure in telling me over and over again how much cash they have in the bank. This is not them being proud of what they’ve achieved. Nor is it their subtle way of saying that they want this kind of life for me. Nor do I think they are waiting for me to ask for money, as said by a pp. I know my parents well enough to see this is out and out boasting. And my post was to ask whether IABU in seeing them less because I can’t stand it anymore.

OP posts:

Weezol · 17/02/2018 10:22

Unmitigated Now that is a good idea.

KC225 · 17/02/2018 10:24

It's all a bit loadsamoney 80s isn't it? I think its probably insensitive over bragging. They have paid in and paid off and now they are kicking their heels up. At your age they were most probably in your shoes. Instead of being discreet, they probably can't believe their own luck. Rather than go low contact you need to make some barbed comments. 'No talking about money please its vulgar'. Operate a swear box system and say any bragging and they have to pay in. Silently tot up all the times they mention their money in the meet up maybe they don't realise, MAYBE it's NOT as much as you thought. Call them out on it but don't cut them off before they have had a chance to ammend their behaviour.

Emus · 17/02/2018 10:27

No, YANU to see your parents less if they are having a negative impact on you.

ThePinkOcelot · 17/02/2018 10:34

I can’t stand bragging, from anyone and would be especially pissed off to hear it from parents.
I would suggest a hobby OP, as they’re obviously so bored they’ve got nothing else to talk about. Or just say, you hope they’re around long enough to enjoy it!!
Boring people!!

CherryMaDeary · 17/02/2018 13:31

Some posters are annoyed that they don't get financial help. It's better not to expect anything, then you won't be disappointed.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2018 13:59

It's not jealousy, it's rude, and uncouth to talk.about wealth constantly in that way.

FaFoutis · 17/02/2018 14:59

BMW that made me laugh. You are quite right.

franktheskank · 17/02/2018 16:34

I'm not brain dead, or a cunt but if I'm going on holiday or have new car I'll tell my nearest and dearest and they seem pleased for me too.

franktheskank · 17/02/2018 16:35

But if my kids were struggling as adults and I had money to throw around I'd be helping them out, not bragging about my new bathroom.

ApocalypseNowt · 17/02/2018 16:43

My IL's do this too. It does feel a bit like gloating so I just tend to do a bland smile, nod along and tune it out.

FIL is particularly like this with holidays. He'll ring us up when he's on holiday somewhere amazing and his first question will be "Is it raining?". He loves it when we say yes as he then proceeds to tell us how hot it is where he is and that he's sat on a balcony drinking a Dark & Stormy having just had an AMAZING steak dinner.

It is never raining when he rings anymore.

KERALA1 · 17/02/2018 18:33

My friend had this - 3 under 6, job, full on life, February. Phone call from her mother "darling have you any idea how stressful it is shopping in Mauritius?" Friend was

Firesuit · 17/02/2018 18:45

I think people who've been frugal all their lives can end up with more spare money than they ever imagined they would have. Unsuprisingly this makes them happy, and they might get enjoyment just from contemplating it. Talking about it is one way to keep the pleasant subject active in their minds.

I looked up the dictionary defintion of "gloating"

dwell on one's own success or another's misfortune with smugness or malignant pleasure.

If in their case the applicable parts are restricted to

dwell on one's own success ... with smugness

then I don't see that much wrong with gloating. You'd expect family to be happy that you're in a fortunate position. It's a bit insensitive maybe, but if you can't be yourself with family, when can you?

MagicNumbers1234 · 17/02/2018 18:47

Im not excusing your parents behaviour but your parents could be bragging because they were once where you are now and are finally able to be financially comfortable having paid off their mortgage and other debts. We all would love to be debt free but it can take a long time to reach the final payment.

Thehogfather · 17/02/2018 19:07

It strikes me as being a bit 'new money' in attitude, combined with maybe a lack of other interesting things to talk about.

I came from a pretty wealthy background, even though I'm certainly not now, and it is something I notice only happens with people who aren't really used to having it.

Plus it can be a validation/ confidence thing. The person I know with a similar current household income to mine, but a very impoverished background makes a very big deal about everything. As in 'I've just got some bits in tesco, aldi is cheaper but with our income I can afford it' 'just filled the car up, £30 but not a problem with our wages coming in'. I imagine that with more money she'd be far more extreme than your parents. But as she's as likely to say it to me as someone on less money, I don't think it's accurate to describe it as bragging.

It can be wearing though so if you can't change the subject I can see why you might want to avoid them a bit.

KERALA1 · 17/02/2018 19:10

Do they have friends? Being like this is generally socially unacceptable.

babyinthacorner · 17/02/2018 19:21

My in-laws are similar although I don't think they're boasting. It seems that they're just very insular people so they literally have nothing else to talk about except how much this cost or what holiday they're going on next. They worked hard and are enjoying their retirement but did also go through a stage of boastfulness just after they retired, laughing about the fact that we had to go to work on a Monday if we'd seen them at the weekend. Hilarious.
Thankfully they got bored of that quite quickly. We were just very gracious and boring in our responses "oh I know! How lovely for you, good for you, enjoy it!"
Are yours newly retired OP? Maybe they'll grow out of it?!

mogulfield · 17/02/2018 19:31

I feel for you op, it’s hard when some parents are super supportive and offer to pay for weddings/help with deposits/ Uni. Loads of my friends have had so much help.
My parents have never helped even though they could, in fact they tried to take money off me (I’m nc with them now).
No great advice but I understand. It is upsetting. I would never ever brag about money to my little boy and will help him everyway I can.

BalloonSlayer · 17/02/2018 19:41

Are you sure they are not doing this on a "don't worry, all this will be yours one day" sort of way?

Both my Mum and Dad have been very keen to leave us money to set us up and -although they never bragged - have sometimes been pleased with what they have built up over the years to be left to us and have mentioned it in that sort of way.

You are after all their only child and stand to cop the lot. Could bragging about having paid off the mortgage be their way of saying there'll be nothing left to pay off when they're gone - it'll be all yours.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 17/02/2018 19:47

If they struggled when they were younger it might be that they are a bit at sea now that 'getting by' is not the focus of every day, and where a great deal of their satisfaction / sense of achievement came from. It can be hard to adjust.

I agree it is insensitive to go on and on about it.

BuggeringNora · 17/02/2018 19:49

Urgh, my BIL and his hideous wife do this - they are arseholes. We hardly ever see them due to their vile boasting. BIL in particular seems to take a real sadistic pleasure in rubbing DH (his brother's) nose in his success. I console myself with the thought that bragging about money is the absolute epitome of vulgar and tasteless behaviour, and the pair of them are a nouveau riche embarrassment with no class whatsoever.

KERALA1 · 17/02/2018 20:51

Well they are Nora. I have never met anyone like this and would be if I did.

Rhubarbginmum · 17/02/2018 22:22

I don’t like talking about money or the cost of things I think it’s vulgar but DH’s Mum does this. But I totally agree totally with 80smum (great name btw).

This

My dad was struck down with terminal cancer at 68. I'm glad that he managed to have a few years of relaxation and a bit of self indulgence before he

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