...to ask if you have ever broken anything in anger?

[mumspice]

Prompted by another thread.

I once smashed nearly every plate in the house because yet again MIL had told me she was coming to visit even though I had said no it wasn't convenient. I had this strange reasoning that if I smashed all the plates she couldn't come because she'd have nothing to eat off.

In my defence I had just had my second mc and although MIL didn't know, she had spouted off about how the daughter of one of her friends must be "infertile" because she had mc.

DH had to hold me down before I started on the cups. And bless him, he cleared up every last shard. He also told MIL not to come and we went away for the weekend (to somewhere with plates!)

I threw a mug to the floor once and the fucking thing bounced across the kitchen, completely unharmed.

All the time during my marriage. I look back and I can't believe that was me.

I was in a bad place for a very long time.

cherrycoke some of us have been victims of domestic violence and one of the first ways they show their violent side is by breaking/throwing/kicking things near you. Then when you let that go they will push/shove before punching and finally strangling you.

The escalation of DV is well documented and we are advised to look out for red flags. Every one of these posts is a red flag to an abused person. I appreciate that some of the responses are FROM abused people who are responding to years of violent behaviour, which is understandable.

However, for all those who seem to think its funny and just a normal way of showing anger, it isn't. It's intimidating for those around you, it's destructive and pointless.

I once kicked my oven in frustration as it wasn't working, not hard enough to damage it, just a kind of "grrrr work dammit!". My DS said "alright, you're not (ex-DP) " and I realised that his nasty temper was rubbing off on me. I never did it again because I CAN control it.

@Cherrycokewinning so a 'physical outpouring of anger' is absolutely fine if it's a female doing it? So from now on, when these threads come up on here Almost daily, and a male has smashed something in anger, punched a door, broken his partners eye with a pot (😲) should we refer the OP back to this thread and say 'don't worry OP, it's just a physical outpouring of anger, it's all good'! That's not going to happen is it? There will still be shock, outrage, advice on where to go for support, anger management, calls to LTB (depending on the backstory).

Double standards much! I'm not smug or 'seemingly in control of my anger'. How patronising! It is possible, you know, to not 'lose your shit' in a 'physical outpouring of anger'. There are other, less destructive, ways to be angry! 🙄

I do hasten to add that nobody witnessed me kicking the bath panels, the DDs were asleep and my DH was out. I had to own up very sheepishly. It was when I was dealing with the rage I felt when the memories came back to me of what my abusive father had done to me.

But I do agree that it's scary to be on the receiving end. My DSis's violent ex used to damage property as well as hurting her physically. And I am very concerned about my DD1's outbursts, because she's nearly 9 and is getting very strong.

It's definitely no laughing matter.

I'm glad it's not just me then

It's not a good thing to do though. At my worst was in an abusive relationship plus hormonal contraception (I had to come off it it was so bad) and ASD so prone to frustration/rages anyway. Horrible combination and I lost my shit several times to be fair but got control of myself over time. I can still feel rage bubbling though at times.

During the horrible breakup of a 9 year relationship where my ex had been cheating, and had now moved in with the other woman, I stayed in the flat we owned for some weeks after he moved in with her, and packed sons of his stuff in boxes (to get it out of my eyeline). In a very small and subtle act of revenge I packed 2 massive cheap ‘au natural’ type silver ceramic cat ornaments in one of his boxes which had been a gift from the neighbour.

Returning after a night away I discovered that he’d not only been back to pick up his stuff without discussing whether it was ok to let himself in with his keys (I was now paying the full mortgage), he’d also unpacked the cat ornaments, and had taken everything BUT them away with him, leaving them proudly on the table.

I managed to place one gently at the bottom of the kitchen bin, but when trying to do the same with the second, I lost it for a second, raised it above my head and smashed it down on the edge of the bin resulting in 1000 pieces of silver ceramic cat accords the kitchen floor, and a midnight trip to A+E wheee they had to cut my granny’s ring off me, and stitch my finger back together.

The emotional scars from that time have mostly healed, but I still have a nice white souvenir weal across my finger.

SOME of his stuff,

We didn’t have any children together that I remember packing into boxes!!

I’ve never broken anything in anger. But P has. In hindsight, I should have followed my instincts and left him the first time he did it. Since then he’s managed to push me (once), be financially controlling, sexually abusive and generally destroyed my self confidence. But, of course, he’s really clever about it (and a master of gaslighting) so that it’s hard to say at the time that he’s the problem.

I remember one time early on in the relationship I was at his flat and we were cooking something. He was supposed to be grating carrots but got annoyed and destroyed the grater. I remember sitting in his room crying about it - but he told me some bollocks sob story about how it reminded him of some traumatic factory job he had in the past and I stupidly believed him, and felt sorry for him. The story was bullshit - he did one shift in a soap factory as a summer job once, found it really boring so he didn’t go back. He broke the grater because he didn’t want to grate the carrots, and he’s an arsehole.

In defence of some of the PPs on here, I don't think they're really suggesting that it's a healthy way of expressing anger, or that they really think it's funny. But sometimes it's cathartic to laugh about things that have been really painful. I think we've all heard the phrase, 'If you don't laugh you'll cry.'

Believe me, it was not something that I enjoyed, breaking bath panels because I was being tormented by memories of childhood SA at the hands of the person who should have protected me. But it was cathartic to talk about it on here.

I suspect there's also some relief that they're not the only ones who have reacted in that way. (Speaking for myself here as well.)

I feel awful about it now but I broke something of exDH's that he valued in revenge for the years of violence and coercion...

Internalised anger is no better.

Ripped a Motorola Razr flip phone clean in half

Yes, smashing stuff can be abusive behaviour. But it depends on context - the PP who broke an ornament her XP had left behind when he dumped her, for instance, was not acting abusively. Nor was the one who Hulked out during a fight with a persistently abusive man.
If you do it in front of someone you are angry with, and it's their stuff you are breaking and not your own, and you do it a lot, then you are probably abusive. If you break your own stuff, when you are alone, then it's not abuse, but it's generally a sign you need some help with managing your anger.

Most of the stuff i did was years ago(except the one glass) when i was a fucked up teen/young woman with a lot of anger and issues stemming from several sexual assaults and an emotional and sometimes physical abusive mother and no mental health support.

norfolkenclue your post makes no sense. Not one person on this thread said woman throwing stuff = ok man = domestic violence. Not one. You’re going off on one about some imagined slight.

As I said previously IF these self same posters are appearing on the daily threads about men throwing things labelling them abusive you may have a point. But they are different people

myrelationshipisweird I understand all your points. But normal life includes anger and conflict. You can’t associate every negative emotion with domestic abuse I’m afraid .

Yeah my toe. Was storming away from my husband mid argument and accidentally kicked the foot of the armchair and broke my toe. Really friggen hurt too!

I used to collect up old crockery just to use to vent. I had a nice spot behind the shed with a box full of crockery and when ex h used to drive me loopy off I would go..... ahhhh so satisfying.

These days I just complain to the dog who tends to snore in response while I eat too many biccies!

@Cherrycokewinning of course they haven't said it!! But it's implied by the fact that they've done it and 'feel ok' (those that don't feel ok understand the double standard, obviously!).

It's NOT ok to 'lose your Shit' and smash things up in anger and 'physically outpour' (🙄) And on here, when A MAN does THE EXACT SAME THING he's hung out to dry (and quite rightly!). So all I'm asking, is why is it ok for it to be 'ok' when a woman 'outpours physically in anger' on this thread? There's clearly double standards here. You're just not applying equality at all!

We all FEEL like throwing the TV through the window or smashing a vase occasionally, but most people have a switch that stops them at that point, and they just find another way of dealing with that anger. It's not that we walk around like bloody Mother Theresa 😇😂.

@norfolkenclue I don't think anyone is saying it's ok. I'm not proud of having kicked the bath panels because I was raging against a dead man who abused me as a child. But it was not domestic abuse, as my DDs were in bed and my DH wasn't there. So I wasn't scaring anyone. That was 3 years ago and it's never happened since.

Obviously if I did it because I was in a temper with my family, that would be entirely different.

Norfolk, how about you walk a few miles in others' shoes before you climb up on that judge's chair?

Not all anger within the home is domestic violence. You have no idea what depth of feeling lies behind the "blushing" faces In people's posts. Just because you can control your anger/ have never yet been exposed to your trigger point, doesn't mean those of us who have thrown things (which is different from hitting someone too) are out of control maniacs. And if we are, ffs have some compassion. No one is saying "yay go me, I've broken shitloads of things".

cherrycoke - I understand all your points. But normal life includes anger and conflict. You can’t associate every negative emotion with domestic abuse I’m afraid

Funnily enough that's what my ex said when he kicked the bin across the kitchen while I was stood there cooking and then refused to leave my house when I repeatedly asked him to, resulting in me having to call 999 to have him removed. It's also his excuse for calling me a cunt when he gets angry, mocking me and snapping his fingers at me like I'm a dog to get me to listen to him while he tells me what a cold, callous bitch I am for not wanting to be spoken to like shit.

There is no place for aggression in any relationship. Anger is a feeling and everyone has it. How you express that anger is the difference. I may get loud and cry and maybe say some things he doesn't want to hear, but which I believe to be true. He thinks its acceptable to call me a whiny bitch, throw things, kick things etc and that's all just 'part and parcel' of being angry.

It isn't and it shouldn't be - it's aggressive and intimidating, all the more so when done by a large man in front of a woman and children, but even if you're doing it on your own, you're showing that you are not in control of your aggression. And yes bucking , there are plenty of people on this thread pretty much saying "yay go me, I've broken shitloads of things"

Myrelationshipisweird I think it’s a real problem if you think total strangers who happen to say the same things as your ex are all abusers. I can understand why you’re so paranoid though.

norfolkenclue you are projecting. No one on here has made a distinction between men and women on this thread

I once kicked the settee in anger & broke my toe Lied to everyone about how I did that. It fucking hurt.
Also threw a pen at DH while I was in labour, he probably said something quite reasonable but I remember being enraged.

I kicked DP's beloved guitar in. I was deeply ashamed of myself. I used to be a very angry person. I'm better nowadays.