To hope my baby will grow on me?

[Babyblues99]

Having a hard time right now. My baby son is 2 weeks old and i think i'm having some attachment issues.

We were separated on day one as he had to go into the NICU and i could only visit and not really hold him at all. After several further days in the hospital we were released and have now been at home for a few days. I love him and think he is really cute but it is in a rather detached way and i cannot help but feel super guilty and worried about our relationship. I don't think it is PND i feel fine and positive just really concerned about doing right by my son. I was planning to spend a year off with him but now don't know how i will cope emotionally. I feel like all my energy is going into catering to his physical needs and i don't have time to enjoy him. This is made worse by my other half who is being a model loving father, cuddles the little man all the time leaps to change nappies etc etc this is hard to see when i feel its do difficult for me to enjoy this.

My mother always said to me that she was never very maternal and didnt really like us until we could interact and now we are close but she was never emotionally available growing up so i am terrified that i will inflict this on him and the cycle will continue.

I am also aware that this may simply be me worrying about something that may never happen and this is stopping me from simply enjoying my son and creating a self fulfilling prophecy.

I am hoping this is just a blip because of the separation and hospital stay.

I would really appreciate some stories about your own early relationships with your children and if you had any early issues. i do know that the immediate bond is sometimes missing and needs to grow over time so i hope this will be the case with me but i do wonder if i'm simply a bit broken from my own history and need to let that go and just enjoy the experience.

Sorry to hear that you haven't had a smooth start OP. I think the instant bond is something that is really glossed over before you have your baby.

With my first DD I also had a rocky start and couldn't be with her properly for the first few days. Unsure if it was this that lead to me feeling similar to you. I felt like I was caring for someone else's child. I was caring for her really really well, but felt like a relative had just left me with their baby. I couldn't get my head round it. And felt like if said hypothetical relative were to take her home again, I wouldn't be bothered at all.

It did pass. The bond grew. And we became quite the little team. I prepared myself for it second time round.

The emotions, hormones, exhaustion and expectations can really take it out of you both mentally and physically. You sound like you're very level headed, so keep checking the PND signs and confide in someone if you can, but be kind to yourself.

It doesn't happen straight away for many of us.

i'm not that fond of babies, but love my 5 year old to bits. My you gest is now 1, and he's getting more interestung by the day, i live him. the first months were hard as babies are boring, but it soon gets better (first smile, real interactions will be there soon)

Please don’t worry. I had ‘normal’ births with all of mine and still didn’t enjoy the first 6-8’weeks with any of them. I loved them, but I didn’t get that maternal -I would give my life for you in an instant - feeling until they were a couple of months old.
It’s a total shock to your system with your first and you need time to adjust from your old life (doing whatever you want) to being at the beck and call of a baby that literally depends on you for everything. It does get better i promise, but if you aren’t feeling better in a few weeks maybe go the GP and have a chat.

Hi, first of all, these are for you

Second, my baby is now 7 months and it's only been the last month or so that I've really enjoyed being her mum. The first 5-6 months were purely about me doing absolutely everything for her that I could do and feeling like I wasn't good enough. I do have PND which really held me back.

I am often very very lonely but things are getting better and the more character she gets, the happier I am. She's such a funny little thing now. I spend my days trying to make her laugh and smile. And she's a very happy baby and it hasn't affected her at all.

With my first there was no rush of love like I'd been told and expected. But my love grew every day the more I got to know him. I likewise knew it wasn't pnd but becoming a parent for the first time is overwhelming. There were no problems, no issues, I just needed to get to know him before I could feel it iyswim? Within a month or two I was totally smitten and still look at my 7yo with awe sometimes.

Dd was a different story - head over heels for her as soon as I clapped eyes on her.

Love can be a grower, particularly with hormones raging. Give yourself some time but keep an eye on how you're feeling as the days and weeks progress.

And congratulations

I remember the NCT teacher telling us that some people don't get that big "rush of love" when they first see their baby. They are interested in it and feel that they want to look after it, but that the feeling of love develops over the next few weeks.

I was later glad she had warned us, because my husband and I both felt like this, and commented to each other at the time. The birth of DS1 had been a bit traumatic, and we felt that we didn't fall in love with him instantly, but felt that we had by about 2 weeks later.

Now we have 3 DCs and are expecting a 4th. We love them all dearly and enjoy being parents. Hope that is helpful. The fact that you already feel you love him means that you will have no issues, I suspect, although do discuss it with your midwife if you are still concerned in 2 weeks, in case of PND xx

Maybe pretend like hes just come into the world all over again - after all it’s just two weeks.
If this is unhelpful ... just be kind to yourself. It’s still early days and you’re likely traumatised from having your baby taken away from you so your body has unintentionally tried to create a rift to save your brain from going into melt down. It will pass

Fake it til you make it. It will come

Oh love, don't worry. You're overthinking it. The day will come when you pick him up or just look at him and the wave of love will knock you off your feet. Give yourself time, it will happen.

Aww I'm sorry you've had a rough start. Congratulations on your son!
My DD was taken to SCBU frequently for a few days whilst I was ill in the post nats Ward and it definitely affected us. I was so stressed and missed what I felt was vital moments with her. I also failed at breastfeeding because of the above which I was so determined to do as I had been so invested in the idea that we would have a better bond.
If I'm honest, I remember looking at dd when she was 3 weeks old and thinking 'I love you' for the first time.
Since then it's gone from strength to strength and at 4 months I love her completely and we have a great bond.

This will get better for you, be kind to yourself, you got off to a difficult start.

I never felt that rush of love when I first saw dc1. Wanted to care for him, felt fiercly protective of him, but love, no. It came a bit later and gradually. I didnt know that skin to skin contact was a thing, so didnt do that as much as I could have. I did it more for dc2 and it felt more like what you see in the movies and read on the forums. Also I think I was just in shock after the birth.

Because you’re aware of the issues, that will help. Lots and lots of people find the bond grows over time and it doesn’t necessarily lead to attachment problems or emotional problems. My second was like this and I think the phrase ‘fake it until you make it’ was quite helpful. Keep checking on PND symptoms, then plan some purposeful bonding times - eg baby massage, skin to skin cuddles/bath, lots of eye contact, sing songs, talk to him. Seriously, schedule them in if you have to!

Took me about 18 months, I reckon. Thereafter it just got nicer and nicer.

Being a first time mum is hard enough without also NICU added in to the mix. There's nothing that can quite prepare you - the shock of going through birth both emotional and physical, the knowledge that this baby relies on you, that you don't know always what to do, that others seem to know so you doubt yourself.

It's worth remembering that you are learning to be a mum, that it's going to be tough and it's really hard work and both mentally & physically exhausting. Plus your body is recovering from being pregnant for 9mths. Take it slow and don't expect too much in the way of getting it right all the time. Your other half hasn't given birth so will come across sometimes as being more able; use that to take some time out for yourself and heal.

I didn’t bond instantly with any of my 3, I mean I knew I loved them but it took time . Babies bore me if I’m honest , toddlers I find much more interesting. Don’t be too hard on yourself it’s very early days. Well done for being so honest your not the only Mum to feel that way and congratulations on your baby xxx

I don't think this is particularly unusual. I didn't "recognise" DS when he was born, in fact in my rather high and sleep-deprived state I wasn't at all sure he wasn't someone else's baby, as I felt little initial connection to him despite the fact we were never apart. The first weeks were much more about being totally overwhelmed and confused by his needs and demands than feeling love, as such, and I quite often wished someone would take him away. The love and the bond grew over time - I was fiercely protective of him from day 1, and the rest took care of itself. Baby and mum is just like any other relationship - you have to get to know each other, and even if there is an immediate connection, falling truly in love takes time. "Protective" and meeting his needs is more than enough for now. Go easy on yourself - I promise you that one day there will be so much love that you won't know what to do with it.

I actually suspect it's more common to NOT feel instant love/recognition with a first baby than it is to feel it. For one thing you're generally going through a tremendous physical and emotional shock at the time.

My first baby was in scbu for the first few days and I could have written your post. I felt really detached from her, like she was someone else's baby. Our attachment grew slowly over time. She is now 5 and we have the most amazing bond, we couldn't be closer

Dc2 was a perfect home birth and I did feel the massive rush of love when he was born, and didn't put him down for the first few days.

There is no difference at all in how close a bond I have with them now.

Me and my ds had a really rocky start, due to the circumstances of his arrival I wasn't convinced he was a real baby, let alone mine plus he had a NICU stay which I still feel a lot of guilt about. For 9 hours of his first night I wasn't allowed to see him and no one phoned up to let me know how he was as I was meant to be "resting" after a long labour and emcs. When we got home I felt so powerless, I hadn't been able to protect him, I hadn't been allowed to look after him in hospital because he was in NICU and I felt like such an inconvenience. I couldn't shake the feeling he was better off without me.

It took time (months not weeks in my case) and also talking to other mothers at groups who had what I would have described as more textbook births but still admitted to not having that rush of love my ante-natal class said we would all experience helped but I got there in the end (and am about to do it all again in June).

It will come might take months and can take years. It's a difficult time for all sorts of reasons.

I don't want to share my personal story but just want you to know it will be alright.

After DC1 was born, I felt as protective of her as I did when I was pregnant, but definitely didn't have that rush of love I expected to feel. That came after a month or so. (With DC2, it happened within a few days.)

TBH, it took months before I felt like her Mum. I think I felt as though I was her auntie!! However, a few months down the line, we developed a really strong bond and 11 years later, I cry when I think about how strong our love is.

So please don't worry - just keep on looking after her as well as you are and it will come .

Just wanted to say, I was the same... took a few months. I PROMISE it does come!

My 1st was in NICU for a few days after birth, and I felt the same. I loved him but in a detached sort of way. Your bond will grow, but some things to help might be lots of skin to skin contact. Just cuddle in bed/sofa with his bare skin on yours as much as you can. And don’t be hard on yourself! The replies you’ve had so far show it’s a really common feeling.

It’s definitely normal. I was lucky and a colleague gave me this advice a few days before giving birth. She said it was the best advice someone had said to her, that it’s completely normal if you don’t love your baby straight away, you feel protective of them and will care for them but love can come later and slowly. So I didn’t worry when this happened to me. I don’t remember the day when I started to love DS, it must have been gradual after he started to smile etc, he is 21 months now and I only felt the all-encompassing love for him from about 4-5 months.

Please don’t worry - this is normal, the bond will strengthen in time!

I wasn't convinced he was a real baby, let alone mine

Ha, me too. It's funny how common that feeling must be - and I had a very "good" birth compared to most first births. I had to accept that this was my baby, because everybody said so and I'd only been away from him while in the loo, but he didn't LOOK like my baby to me.

I didn’t feel bonded to my ds for a couple of weeks. I’d had a horrendous mc before I fell pregnant with him. I fell pregnant straight away and hadn’t processed some weird shit in my head.

For a couple of weeks I felt dreadful and faked it to everyone. To me he looked like a very ugly, angry 50 year old insurance sales man in miniature form that wouldn’t leave me alone. One day I woke up and it literally hit me how much I love him. I cried and cried. It still makes me cry.

I did speak to my gp about it at the check up. She was bloody lovely about it and reassured me it was completely normal.

Btw he is so very beautiful, not middle aged salesman-y in the slightest